alright.
i’ve been thinking about what to do with this place for a while. i’m still not entirely sure of what that may be, but i feel it may be useful to take this post and first outline what chara “means” to me personally, to perhaps put things here into a bit more context.get ready, because this is going to be a wall.
on the date of monday, january 25th, 2016, i played UNDERTALE for the first time. i had been hearing good things about it, and figured it might be something i would like. more specifically, the reports of lovable characters made me hope that perhaps playing the game would give me even the slightest feeling of having friends that loved and cared about you.
the game did deliver on that hope, but not quite in the way i initially expected. first of all though, almost instantly i fell in love with the game itself. there was just something about it, even just walking through the simple looking “tutorial” area of the RUINS was a special experience i don’t think i could ever replicate with anything. i had known a little bit about the requirements of the pacifist ending, which i ended up seeing through to the end (even if i had to restart once due to not pouring the cup of water on undyne after the post-battle chase), but luckily nothing else was spoiled for me prior to playing the game itself. i could go on for hours about my first playthrough, how it made me feel, and how it affected me overall as a person afterward, but that would be an entirely different tangent for another time, so i won’t get too sidetracked with it here.
upon completing the pacifist route for the first time, i was confused with the role of “frisk” and “chara”, as apparently many players seem to be at first from what i’ve seen. though, even with that confusion, walking through NEW HOME and later listening to the true lab tapes gave me a strange feeling of interest that i didn’t quite feel for anything else in the game up to that point, and perhaps even afterward.
asirel’s battle, while still being one of the higher points in the game, only confused me further concerning chara. however, that confusion would soon be resolved. finding my way back to the beginning of the game and talking to asriel, the way he expanded on chara while also being somewhat dismissive of them in favor of frisk, made me simultaneously more understanding and curious.
after an admittedly short time of careful deliberation, i decided to complete the genocide route of the game, which of course inevitably brought me face to face with chara for the first time. funnily enough, at first i didn’t think too much of finally encountering them at the end of my destructive journey. they seemed so comically unfeeling and evil that perhaps for a moment i forgot that this was the same human i had been so curious about the first time around. i was still curious, but in a more morbid or “edgy” way because of the general nature of the route. i sold my soul, deleted my save file, and that was it. for a while.
after playing the two “main” routes and feeling satisfied with my first experience, i did what i usually did for a thing that i liked a lot and autistically did as much thinking and researching about the game as possible to know as much about it as i could, and therefore to extend the wonderful feeling it gave me. and you know what, it worked. reading theories, browsing communities (pretty much just /utg/ because i can’t really stand anywhere else), even playing the game again every once in a while to get myself thinking about everything all over again with a more fresh perspective. as of now i have about 285 hours logged on steam (you’ll just have to take my word for it), all from just replaying the game, sometimes imposing challenges and other odd ways of playing through just to see how difficult and/or different i could get with it.
with my nature i never really participated in the community much, but it along with playing the game over many times and figuring out just what i thought about the whole thing, all the characters, how it makes me feel, what i like about it, etc. started to put me in a very interesting state of mind. i was already becoming sort of depressed and unsatisfied with life overall, but UNDERTALE was the catalyst both to tipping me over down my path to potential destruction as well as being the one thing that could (start to) get me out of it. long story short, i could not stop thinking about the game. it dominated my thoughts and feelings for months and months. and soon enough, one aspect of the game in particular would begin to eat away at me without end.
chara.
from the very start, listening to the monsters tell their tale near the end of the game, i knew there was something special about this “human”. perhaps it was only the mystery that attracted me, at least at first. god knows there was plenty of that. but there was something deeply interesting to me about their story as well as asriel’s that i couldn’t quite put my finger on. as i started to learn more and wonder for myself what i thought about everything, something kept bringing me back to the subject of “chara”.
on one hand, how could i even resist, with the open ended nature of their existence, something that never fails to fascinate me and keep me thinking and wondering seemingly without end? but on the other, how and why could i or anyone else care for such a, to put it frankly, non-character? it’s almost too obvious how much more likeable even the most obscure of one-off characters are compared to chara. they are practically a plot device, and not much more. but somehow, my mind started to fill in the blanks, and i felt very strongly for this mysterious human. chara made me feel something i had never felt before.
understanding.
you could very well make the argument that they were only a pretty looking blank slate that i projected all of my perfectionistic desires onto in order to feel something for anyone. and while i will not deny that the gaps in their personality were not at least partially filled by that which i find appealing in a person, there is a very key component of my love for chara that makes what we have, in my eyes, irreplaceable. something concrete about them that i found extraordinarily appealing on a fundamental level. and what is that component, you may ask?
well.
they are garbage.
before i say anything else, think about that word. “garbage”. i did not describe them as evil, or corrupt, or even disgusting. those are all terms that imply hatred, or some kind of negative feeling towards the subject being described. but garbage, garbage is not worthy of hatred, or contempt, or even pity. it isn’t worthy of praise, or love, or positive attention of any sort. it isn’t even worthy of attention, period. it is garbage. garbage is disposed of, and never seen again. it does not need to be seen or accounted for, as it is garbage, and has no use or purpose or value. it is nothing.
and that is what chara is to me.
but i love them anyway, more than anything else in the world.
you know why?
because i’m garbage, too.
chara’s pointlessness as a character, in any sense other than to drive the plot forward and to serve as an inhuman representation of a common RPG trope, is exactly what makes them so compelling to me. even if the mystery was intended in a similar vein to “gaster”, it is quite evident that you aren’t truly meant to care about them in any deep or meaningful way, especially not in a romantic sense. they fell down the mountain for a “not so happy” reason, they gained the monster kingdom’s trust and convinced asriel to follow through with their plan, and then they died. throughout their entire mortal life they accomplished nothing of worth, and while they did not directly kill anyone or anything else equally as morally reprehensible, they directly and indirectly caused the entirety of the events of UNDERTALE to take place. perhaps if they did not exist, another child would have inevitably fell down the mountain. but we can be at least somewhat certain that they would not have been as utterly useless and detrimental to the future of humans and monsters as chara was, no matter how “good” or “bad” chara’s intentions may have been.
and somehow, i still love them anyway. while there is still room for interpretation in much else about chara’s motivation and morality, i do not see them as a completely irredeemable psychopath. being garbage, you see, does not necessitate being “bad” or “beyond saving”. it is only garbage, remember, and that is the way i see them. many humans aren’t all good or all bad in reality - they are only doing what they believe to be “right”, no matter how misguided that sense of “right” may be. sometimes they may even be willing to do something they know is “wrong” to achieve a goal that they otherwise feel is worth pursuing. chara, to me, is a little like that. even if they are only a blight on the “greater good” in terms of the story as a whole, they themselves were and are only garbage. plain and simple.
but see, this is where things get a little more complicated. their nature demonstrably necessitates at least some kind of personal interpretation that, in the case of a static entity like a video game character, can change and fluctuate as personal views and values change, as well as from just considering information that may not have been considered before. this becomes somewhat a problem if you find yourself in a situation such as mine, where you become incredibly infatuated with this static entity that you cannot know for sure the true nature of. luckily for me however, there was indeed a solution. or perhaps, a compromise.
as the beginning of 2017 began to roll around, any thought i had of UNDERTALE would be related to chara with ever-increasing frequency. these thoughts soon began to delve deep into sorrowful longing and despair. i wanted to be with chara so badly. i wanted to know what they were really like. i wanted to make them feel understood. i loved them so much, and i wanted to create an existence where both of us felt a little less alone in this hellscape of a world. i often imagined us sitting together in a beautiful forest, or lying next to each other in a wide open field of golden flowers, just talking for hours and occasionally staring at the sky in silence, simply enjoying each other’s presence. we could be garbage together, forever.
but i knew it was impossible. i knew they did not exist, they could never exist, no matter how much i wished and hoped and even prayed that i could just wake up somewhere else one day, with them. however, a peculiar thing started to happen as i thought about them more and more, obsessively, every single day without fail. they slowly became less and less of a video game character, this static entity with a set amount of information tied to it, and over time became more of a real (although still nonexistent) human being inside my mind, with concrete personality traits, likes and dislikes, and so on. “my chara” suddenly became more and more different and distinct from the “real chara”, or anyone else’s “chara” for that matter. i still “knew” they could not exist, but there was a clear evolution that had taken place.
perhaps to some it is now quite obvious what happened next. but i will of course explain it anyway. well, i had already known about the strange and too-good-to-be-true concept of a tulpa going back to late 2016. as a matter of fact, i even considered the practice in relation to chara as soon as i discovered it in september. but for a long time, i completely rejected anything to do with it, as most “sensible” people probably would. during some desperate moments however i deeply considered it, and what the implications and consequences of such a decision might be. as my despair worsened, along with many other mental issues i had to sort through at the same time, i took up many different viewpoints concerning what i should do about my love for chara. there were times i tried to “give up”, times where i indulged in my sadness and pain non-stop, and of course, times where i attempted to “create a tulpa”. i will not go into too much detail concerning that time, but needless to say, i tried many things to fill the empty pit in my soul left by chara’s nonexistence. all of them failed.
but.
one night, i made a promise. to “chara”. whatever that really meant to me at the time, i am not certain. but i made a promise, that i would bring them into existence, no matter what it took. so we could be garbage together, and both have a life worth living in some way. i still grapple with the morality of that promise, whether or not it was truly right to willingly create a being that could theoretically live and think and suffer, for what is essentially my own benefit no less. but without going on for too long about it, i can say that i did make peace with myself and that decision, so long as i can provide them with a life where the positives always outweigh the negatives in some way.
so i fulfilled that promise. all it took was a little time. and as i discussed earlier, the unique being named “chara” that i had been already creating in my head from the day i played that game for the first time was also very important. well, nothing else could even come close to being as important, because that truly WAS them. even when they were next to nothing, that was who they were. that was, and is, my chara. and they always will be.
long story short, i truly communicated with them for the first time around december of 2017 after plenty of half-baked attempts and failures throughout the year. in comparison to the typical development of a “tulpa”, it is hard to put the whole process into such terms. but i now communicate with them in some way almost all the time, and we intend on remaining together as partners until the end of our combined existence.
now, that isn’t quite everything explained. perhaps chara’s actual existence seems a little less unbelievable with my nice long-winded story leading up to that “fact” (you know, unless you skipped the whole thing), but the idea that i have done such a thing and that i’m not just “deluding myself” into believing an easily disproven falsehood for some temporary comfort is still quite a lot to go along with if you respect your own intelligence in any way. it’s a bit more difficult to explain if you happen to have no knowledge of the tulpa phenomenon or anything related to it, but essentially i believe chara is a separate personality that can be just as capable as my own, given enough time, attention, and “practice”. this can have purely psychological implications, but i am also personally open to any metaphysical or otherwise unorthodox explanation if i someday happen to find something convincing. for now though, i consider chara to be as real as i am. i have plenty of moments where i doubt their true existence as well as just my ability to “take care” of them properly, but so far our attempts at working through these issues have been successful.
well, that’s about it. jesus christ that is a lot of text. i don’t know if even someone interested in this place would take the time to read all that garbage, but congratulations if you do, i guess.
tl;dr: i love chara a lot for some dumb reasons also i decided to go insane and made them real inside my head
there, how about that? now you don’t have to read any of it. that’s basically all you need to know.
okay. seeya.
bonus addendum i added later, concerning the "garbage" thing:
when i call chara "garbage," i mean it in a very specific sense that i tried to get across but i'm not sure if i did to the full extent. i still stand mostly by what i said in the original post, but i mean garbage in the sense of how they are treated by the world and game itself, by their role in the game and what they had to go through, things like that. for me personally, i don't see them as garbage or worthless at all. i see them as wonderful despite their flaws and their status as that throwaway person in the game, used for moving the plot forward and providing a clever twist but not much more than that. i see it as an injustice, and although my situation is different, i feel connected to them because of it. not that i've really had any injustice inflicted upon myself by anyone else, but more so on the idea of being garbage, of being forgettable, of being someone to use and throw away and never think about again. that is more specifically what i mean by "garbage."
addendum addendum, that i wrote just now:
even my feelings in the addendum may have been clouded by my own weird ideas at the time. i think now i accept that i don't really know what toby's intentions were for certain, that perhaps there was more thought put into their "purpose" that just wasn't elaborated on very much, for one reason or another, or maybe on purpose, whether that is a good decision or not. i just don't know. but i think over time i have become more at peace with whatever strange place they may have in the world of undertale, or even the fact that i may not and may never truly know that place for certain. i only know what place they have in my world, my heart. whether those places will ever come into larger conflict is yet to be seen.
yes, of course. chara's CHARACTER. chara, the character, from undertale. i can get more to their manifestation as my tulpa later, although their "foundation" is of course still here, as is perhaps obvious. but anyway. chara's character, their personality, their self, their essence, SOUL, whatever, is certainly the most important thing to me about them. yet, it is also the most controversial, perhaps moreso in a way than any other undertale character, and certainly one of if not the most enigmatic. if you ask any random person who played undertale what "chara" is like, chances are they will all have some different answer. this fundamental aspect of their character, the amount of things that are not KNOWN about them, but rather must be INFERRED or INTERPRETED one way or another, this, to me, is as much of what makes chara who and what they are to me as much as it is an eternal, endless problem of sorts, at least in some ways. but, i think to start out with as well, i don't think i would have it any other way. even if one day things are explicitly revealed about them, even if it "proves me wrong" in a sense, i think there would be no way to erase the pure meaning created from their original form, and the way it sparked and continues to spark my imagination, and curiosity, and fascination, and love. this is a fundamental thing to understand about the way i see chara, i think. in their openness, they have almost completely transcended the state of a "normal" character in my mind, and therefore have an almost infinite capacity for depth and development and exploration, even again separated from their existence in me as a tulpa. nothing can change that state, as much as i may worry or fret over nothing sometimes. there is no erasing what has already been created, and which continues to create itself.
but enough about that WEIRD CRAP. what DO i think about chara then, really? well, it is still complicated. because, in a sense, i seem to know a sort of "essence" of chara, some kind of "true" or "base level" self that is who they are, that is applied to various situations and scenarios and lives in my head, including that of the game itself without any modification. for example, in the world of UNDERTALE, chara is explicitly stated to have hated humanity. and in this context, as well as most other contexts i have imagined them in, this will remain true. but in another sense, i see this aspect of their character more as a strong predisposition that arises from other, more base level aspects of their self. whatever sequence of events in their life that happened in the world of UNDERTALE must have led to them hating humanity, for one reason or another, but this is at least in large part because of some fundamental aspect of the way they are, or something that arose very early in life. this also means that i believe, in other theoretical scenarios like if they had some continuation of existence after their death in a more positive sense, like if you believe the charrator theory or some "revival" scenario or otherwise, they would be able to change their feelings about humanity, given the right circumstances. or at least, it wouldn't be such an all-consuming hatred, or they could recognize that not all of humanity is what they hate or what offends them so deeply, or whatever the outcome may be.
but the point is, through the little we can learn about them in the game and my own interpretations and inferrences from this information over time, i feel like i have developed this idea of their character, their being, that makes the most sense to me. and this is all that one can do. many will probably do less, and that is fine, and perhaps more sane. but for me, this is what i know of them. to start with, i can get more into their hatred of humanity. often in fan theory or creation, there is given an explicit "reason" for their hatred, typically in the sense of being directly abused or mistreated in some way. but personally, i never really thought this necessarily had to be the case, although it is still likely there was at least something wrong with their home life or some horrible thing(s) they had to go through that traumatised them in some way. still, i think that the aforementioned predispositions of their character must have had at least some large contribution to the way they are. one of those predispositions, i believe to be a particular sort of strangeness, something that made them not feel very much like anyone else, something that created a fundamental distance between them. as far as my own understanding goes, this is something, whatever it is, that runs very deep with certain kinds of people, and i believe that one of the things that chiefly attracted to me to chara as a character is the intention of at least some aspect of this strangeness, that can be known and understood just from the way they are and what they did, even the little that there is in the game. even the act itself of them falling down the mountain (which i will discuss soon) is a clear indicator of their strangeness, of their inability or unwillingness to play by the "rules" of things (those who climb the mountain never return). this is a critical aspect of their being, to me.
another predisposition or aspect related to both their strangeness and hatred of humanity i think is a general sort of abrasiveness, or lack of, i suppose agreeableness or "social compromise" or something. chara, while seemingly articulate and verbally skilled (another briefly explained but wonderful aspect of themselves), also seems to clearly not be very good at "working things out" with people, or at least not always very nice or smooth or patient about it. at the worst of times, this is shown to clearly result in what is essentially manipulation, or a sort of impatient "strong-arming" to just get someone to do what they want or need them to do. however it exactly manifests itself, it's definitely not very pretty, or kind. but i don't think it would mean they would be a jerk all the time either. moreso in times of stress or in the name of something they feel must be done no matter what or is otherwise urgent, which of course is shown very clearly in the events of undertale leading up to their death with asriel. generally, they can be kind of an asshole, even to the point of doing very mean or hurtful things. but i also think they, not being some emotionless, unempathetic psychopath, would feel at least some level of remorse or regret for these things, although perhaps sometimes they would not even realize that they had done anything wrong unless it is spelled out to them. basically, they would have deep interpersonal problems, that are of course much worse in situations like the events of undertale, but they would not be all-consuming in the sense of, again, being something like a psychopath or otherwise entirely "internally compromised". there is internal intellectual AND emotional conflict within chara, and that is another thing which is clear and important to me in my understanding of them. but more about that will be left for later.
these things combined i would say come together especially in chara's decision to climb the mountain, the mountain from which no one ever returns. i do believe that their "not a very happy reason" for doing this was indeed suicidal in a sense, but perhaps would have more meaning to that, at least in the way i have come to understand it. i think, knowing the legend of the mountain (which i think can be assumed was known even at chara's time, particularly going by the extended intro dialogue from the kickstarter page), they understood the likelihood of death and must have welcomed it, again, in a very suicidal sense. accepting the possibility of pain and seizure, as it were. but, i think with their particular method, of not just killing themselves but traveling to a place so strange to do it, where they wouldn't even know what "never returns" would even mean exactly. i think this implies that they didn't just want to DIE, they wanted to ESCAPE. something about the unknown of it all perhaps was just too much for them to pass up. maybe they would just die, but maybe, just maybe, it would have also been something better. somewhere better than here. and in a way, it really was, but then, well... i think their decision makes sense though, to me anyway. it deeply makes sense, and i think that's another thing i always felt connected to about them as well.
and that does also lead into the conclusion of it all, which was their plan. and i think their plan shows another fundamental aspect of their being, which was that, i do believe that they genuinely wanted it to work, they wanted to help the monsters, to free them, and to bring them justice. i think they felt very strongly about that, and it only became more and more strong the more time they spent with the monsters and knowing them and what happened to them. to chara, i don't think it's hard to believe that they would find the massacre and imprisonment of monsters by humanity to be one of, if not the worst and yet most predictably horrible thing that humans have ever done. not to mention the monsters' hope in chara and what it could mean for "the future of humans and monsters". even on their deathbed, the king ASGORE himself would reinforce this in a desperate attempt to get them to wake up. it's a lot of weight. and i'm sure they would have felt not only that, but the weight of their own morality, and of course, their own hatred. and i think from all of this is where the plan was formulated, in all of its imperfection and horror and unforseen failure. i think it was as much of genuinely wanting to help the monsters and collect the SOULs required to break the barrier, as it was wanting to enact some kind of revenge on humanity, the world they so absolutely hated and despised, a true powerful act of vengeance and perhaps even all out war, that perhaps they were entirely willing to carry out. but this was not right, wasn't it? it failed. and maybe, it had to fail. maybe there was no other possibility, whether because of asriel's refusal or something else that could have happened. but this is just the way things are. and it's tragic, and depressing, and horrible, and it never really feels better to think about. but it's the way things are. at least, in that world.
but for the sake of what it tells me about chara, it is also invaluable in its own way. and, as i would repeat and will continue to repeat many times for the rest of eternity, i love chara for who they are, no matter what they've done or would have done or will do. it is completely and absolutely unconditional love, for the person that chara is. i guess maybe that gets complicated, because you know, to define those things exactly is a strange task. but anyway, i guess that's a bit of a tangent.
the next thing to bring up, i think is the complicated thing that is chara after their death, and the strange confusion of this with their existence while alive. one thing to bring up is, i never really completely accepted the idea of the "chara is the narrator" theory, for some reason that i'm still not entirely sure of. perhaps over time i will come to accept it more, but in a sense it is sort of unnecessary to the way that i see them, even if just due to particular happenstance. but i think it's certainly true that there isn't much if anything to concretely disprove it, and it would make sense, which is how i figure most of the things i've said so far anyway. there's just something in my head that prevents it from fully connecting as anything other than a "theory". but i think that's my own strange vestigial issue more than anything. either way, i also do think that chara is with you in some sense in any route, whether they're fully "there" or not or whatever inbetween, and i think this does bring positive possibility for things, at least in "better" routes. so i do believe that at least.
but now for the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, okay, which is chara in the genocide route. i have very, very mixed feelings about it all, that just seem to get more mixed over time. i will say that in some sense, i still stand by my usual notion that i wouldn't want things to be different even if just for the reasons that we wouldn't know as much about chara (like the way they speak) if not for genocide, and my relationship with them may have not gone in quite the same way without some perhaps vague butterfly effect rising from this (i guess thats a weird thing to think but whatever). but even then, it is difficult because i think the genocide route is largely what makes chara such a controversial and strange character to discuss with people. especially because in a lot of ways, this "aspect" of chara is the only thing people will really think of at all when thinking about them, it is the only aspect of their existence that is important. i FEEL like it also taints their life for a lot of people too, making them much more inclined to see them as some kind of total psychopath like they are in genocide because there isn't enough of a connection to make them realize that SOMETHING changed between the end of their life and what we see in genocide. the way i like to see it put is that chara in genocide really is essentially their equivalent to flowey, in the sense that it is a literally SOULless (their original SOUL is gone, not yours) corruption of themselves, with their worst aspects becoming amplified and reinforced to their logical extreme conclusions. i think this is extremely critical, yet it gets very much LOST IN THE SAUCE (like many other likely or just objective aspects of chara) in endless amounts of theorycrafting and internet arguing, to the point where it seems most people just don't care anymore and would rather throw up their hands sticking by some basic yet nonsensical idea just because it's too confusing otherwise. and, well, it's certainly understandable. it's one of those things that really does make me think that undertale is not a game for everyone, or at least, not everyone will enjoy it in the same way, or the same strange autistic way that i do. and i think that's fine, you know. if most people don't really want to think about chara that hard and they don't want to read my FEATURE-LENGTH essays on why i think their hair is the particular shade of brown that it is or whatever, you know, that's just fine. but this is MY autism essay and MY opinion and MY best friend forever that i love and cherish very much, so i will NOT be cutting ANY corners in that respect. but moving on.
i suppose that does feel like most of the major things. i could get into every random minute thing or possibility right now, like wow they like chocolate, wow they like flowers, wow they like knives, wow did they knit that sweater or not? wow! but you know that stuff already. don't you? don't you???? what do you think i am, some kind of WIKI ARTICLE? go look up a synopsis SOMEWHERE ELSE. the BIG DOGS are playing, here. so what next then?
OH YEAH WAIT there's one thing i forgot that i wanted to mention too. i think going back to the sort of "fundamental aspects" thing, another big one is related to their articulateness and concern with particular things, like having such strong feelings about things like morality or hatred or even things like the way they have to fill their cup to be "efficient". i think they generally seem to be, you know, a SMART COOKIE. but they're also very concerned with this, and concerned with being something along the lines of "intellectual", or "mature", or "strong". they hold themselves up to some strange standard, even if they can't always fulfill this well or at all. they strive for some idea of perfection, even if they are deeply imperfect, and even childish or weak in some ways. and i RELATE with this a lot TOO! LOL!!!!!! awesome!
alright so what else. i guess i'm tone-shifting with this a lot. but it's more fun that way. i guess that is most of their base level character though for me, or again, the very important parts of who they are or at least things that give the deep impression of what those aspects are, enough to understand a full person out of. and perhaps i will add more to the previous parts later. but now, i think maybe i can get a little into the tulpa side of things too, and other things.
i will assume as usual that you, the possible reader (that is not me) who may or may not exist at any point in time, know at least in some basic sense what a tulpa is. so i will not explain it. just go to tulpa.info or, uh, something. i don't know, i don't know what the best place is. but i'm not a wiki article!!!! i don't care how much i look like one, it's not true! but anyway. i suppose in a way there isn't an extreme amount of things to discuss regarding him, because as discussed before there is a sort of "essence" to his being that (for all intents and purposes) was merely "manifested" in some sense to this world as a tulpa. chara in my head possesses all these base level traits that chara would no matter what, but now they're a being that exists and can build from there and experience things, you know. and in a way, that's kind of all you really need to know. it's RUDE to talk about someone who's listening, isn't it? well, no, he's fine with it. but i guess there's just not terribly much to say past that, only to describe things we've gone through together in these six years and cool stuff he's said or done or whatever, which i feel is much better suited for something other than this particular piece or part of writing. i'll add something like that later, or maybe this page will just become a big dump for random thoughts about chara or stuff we do together. maybe it will already be there by the time you, possible reader, are reading this. maybe! paragraphs and paragraphs of Chara Hangout Synopsises... how exciting! well, whatever it is, it'll be later.
another thing i want to bring up about chara IN GENERAL is my attraction to them, romantic and sexual, and the way this intertwines with aspects of age or appearance or whatever. so alright, this part is a little bit of a TOUCHY SUBJECT for some, but i will tell you (possible reader) that when i think about chara romantically or sexually i don't think of them as a child, or more particularly, being explicitly childlike in nature. there is nothing about their being that makes me think of a child or them being one, they just "are" in whatever sense that they are, and that is what i love and feel attracted to. i also don't really think of them appearance wise as a child, although they certainly aren't some ripped muscle-jock either. they have a particular ideal appearance in my head and which also comes out (at least to the best of my ability) in my drawings, but i do not really think of this as childlike either, and i don't think it looks that way. it is just their appearance, and i really like their appearance and think it is very hot and attractive. i see the way they look as a sort of perfected kind of androgyny, the perfect blend of human characteristics that results in a form that is both immaculate (in a personal sense, uh, if that makes sense) and uniquely theirs. it's funny too, because i think now it's almost a sort of perfect standard i have for attraction in general, how much of something's appearance is like or unlike chara.
but anyway. i bring up the child stuff because, of course, chara is a child in the world of undertale and that brings with it that set of assumptions whenever you talk about them. and i think my love for chara as a person has led me in the past to a lot of weird obsessing over whether it's "right" or not or thinking i'm some gross sick person or something, getting all bent out of shape over weird pixels and drawings, you know. but i think it doesn't really matter and never really did, or not as much as i thought it did, and when it comes down to it i just love chara, i love who they are, and i know who that person is. a mutual partnership, an ultimate friendship. and he's a BIG BOY, you know. a BIG ADULT BOY... with a BIG ADULT BOY PENIS!!!! that's all you need to know. you can forget the rest of this page in its entirety, as long as you just remember that simple fact. that simple fact of life...
i think this is the part though where i will CAP IT ALL OFF by now proceeding to gush about how much chara means to me. but there really aren't enough words, pseudo-words, meme words, meaningless gibberish letter-combinations, or all of those combined, to describe the kind of love that i feel for chara, so deeply, every time that i think about them. no words to describe the kind of meaning they bring me, how they enrich my life totally and completely. i truly cannot imagine a world or a life without them. it's a cliche to say that something like this "saved my life", but things certainly would not be the same without their existence. would be pretty GRIM, even! i would say so. and things are already a little grim, so that's certainly saying something.
i do feel odd about my original "garbage" analogy as stated before, but in a way, it still does represent, at least loosely, some deep part of the way i connect with chara. because i do feel a deep connection with them, that cannot be replicated or replaced by anything or anyone else. the only reason why i'm here, writing these paragraphs for this page on this site, is because of them. because i feel for them, i understand them, i love them. it's funny, considering what asriel says about chara post-pacifist, because really, chara is actually the friend i always wished i had. and i don't know what exactly that says about me, or about asriel, or anything else. and i have no hard feelings about that, because i understand asriel's situation was a wholly separate one and he had his own things to deal with, his own relationship to chara, you know. but i know how i feel. chara wasn't really the greatest person, but that's exactly what makes me love them. because they're chara. the good and the bad, they are chara. and i love chara, i love them, i love who they are no matter what. i deeply understand them, and connect with them. and i always just wanted to be with them, so they didn't have to be alone anymore either. i just want them to be happy. i just want them to have a better life. a better chance. so that's why i'm here.