i just don't give a shit about anything. i don't care. i don't fucking care. i want someone. i want love. that's all i want. that's all i give a shit about. i don't care about any-fucking-thing else. and i don't know why. why do i have to be so obsessed with this? why do i care so god damned much? why do i think it'll somehow solve anything for me? but it did. when i had it, i felt so happy. and when i don't have it, i feel miserable. it feels so cut and dry. it feels so fucking obvious. but it cannot be, apparently. i guess you call this "dependence." it's unhealthy, right? unhealthy coping mechanism, a mentally ill obsession, just draining the other person, even if it doesn't feel like it, even if i feel like i do everything i can. but it's like this invisible, unseen leech, attaching me to the person and making them eventually want less and less to do with me. i just don't get it.
i mean, maybe i do. well, when you look at me now, you get it. right? makes sense. looking like a real neurotic freak here. wouldn't want to be around me, right? but i don't know. i feel like i've gotten so much better, when things are going well. i guess it's just still not enough. maybe it's enough for someone. but would i even love them? it's true that people have wanted me before, who i didn't feel the same about. nothing that ever went very far, mind you. but still. i should know how it feels, right? or i should at least accept, it's hard. it's rare. but i hate that. i hate that it's something i feel like i can't really strive for, i can't really have it as a goal. can i? it just seems to put it further and further away from me. and the closest i ever get to it, is when i'm not even thinking about it or expecting it at all. and then it hits me. it's just so elusive. like sand in the palm. it's the worst possible thing i could attach my feeling of purpose and well-being to. yet i can't seem to pry those fucking things away from it. they're locked on tight and i don't know what to do.
it's something i've always been attached to. ever since i was a kid, having those dreams, about the perfect best friend, just like me. i didn't even understand it, but i think that was my ideal of a lover too. and i would cry waking up from those, it made me so terribly sad. then with my obsession with chara, it's the same thing. someone to love, to be with no matter what, who i understood and who could perhaps understand me, on some deep, unshakable level. someone to pore over every inch of, someone to give everything i have to and for them to give me all they have in return, to strive to be better together. but then.. what can we even strive for, if i have nothing but them? i don't know. maybe i truly am just a fucking loser. maybe i am just an empty shell. what would anyone see in me? what does, or did, anyone see in me, at all? it feels as though it must have been only an illusion. what do i have to offer anybody? i'm a fucking loser piece of shit, autistic faggot freak. sorry. i'm beating myself up, but i think it really is still the way i feel deep down. i want to be nicer to myself like people tell me. or something. but it's really hard. i find it so hard to really think of anything i respect about myself. or if i do, it feels like the negatives, or the lack of anything "important enough" puts it out of balance. so what if i have these small, tiny things, if the rest of me is just empty, negative, or never good enough? it just makes it feel so pointless. it makes me feel so pointless, just as a person. like i really should just be dead.
but that's, dramatic. you know. it's dramatic. i'm dramatic. just being a drama queen. i'm just being miserable, giving into these thoughts again. i can't. i have to stop it. you know? it's not good. it's not good for you. not good for me. this is about me. i guess. i guess it's about me. it just hurts. it's the only thing that feels right, even now. to insult myself. that's when i finally feel, damn, it's true, something's really being said, there's really a point being made. when people compliment me, i guess it just feels strange, like something i have to deal with, try to accept politely, move on. not that important. it's just so horrible. why am i so horrible to myself? maybe it's a self fulfilling prophecy. i mean, it is, isn't it? i'm probably only so horrible because i think i'm horrible. i'm miserable because i make myself miserable. if i would just be positive for once, focus on the good, maybe things wouldn't be so bad. maybe people wouldn't get sick of me, when they actually get close to me and have to deal with me or rely on me for fucking anything at all. if i could just... i don't know. just be better. whatever that means. no, but that's making it seem vague, which it isn't. being more positive is obvious, even if it's just a small step at a time. it's not fucking hard, i just don't do it. i just conveniently forget, and...
doing it again. insulting myself again. see? it's constant. incessant. like a demon on my shoulder. i let myself free without holding back and this happens. the only thing i feel i can do is try to suppress it, grasping the reins of my mind with a death grip so fucking tight it makes my hands bleed, but even then it's so out of control i can only last so long before it's absolute chaotic self destruction all over again. i don't know. that's probably not the only way. i have to replace it with something better, right? better thoughts, better words. but when i feel like this, i just don't want to. i don't believe anything. it all feels like lies to try and fill the void. and it hurts. it what makes me feel like i should be destroyed. it feels like i'm a broken machine, beyond repair, and the best thing to do might just be to salvage me for parts. no use to anyone otherwise. no use. no use at all.
i don't know. maybe i just want to get all this out here, so i can at least try not to be such a faggot sad sack all the time around other people. it's going to get grating on them too, even if they say it's fine. but it's not fine. the same complaining and whining and crying and beating myself up and making things worse for myself, over and over. there's only so much of that anyone can take before it just becomes annoying and draining. that's why i have to put it here, as long as i still do this. i hope i don't do it forever. i hope it gets better. i want to try and make it better. even though evidently i'm doing a poor job. and i don't know where the fuck i'm going now or what i'm doing, now that my life feels basically over, or pointless. but whatever. that's just my feeling. and my feelings change all the fucking time. for better or for worse, huh? yeah. i don't know. i don't know what else to say. there's my sad faggot putting spokes in his own bicycle diary for the day.
i don't know how to think about my life anymore. i don't know. i say that so much. i don't know. that's nothing new. it's not exactly riveting commentary from me. but uhhhhh. i really. i really, especially don't know what i'm going to do now. i mean. it feels so stupid to say, like i mean it's a joke. it's a joke, right. so i don't want it to be the first line. but i just get this overwhelming feeling like, in the failure of this relationship, i literally failed the main quest of life, i failed it morrowind style, i fucked something up real bad and now i have to persist in this doomed world that i have created. it's a joke but i'm serious, you know. i mean i guess i just like my video game analogies. but that's really how it feels. now there's only sidequests, or just making up some random thing to do to pass time, sitting on my fucking PC or going for walks or something. and nothing else. i have fucking nothing. maybe i just am nothing. maybe this is my problem. maybe that's why it failed.
but i don't know what to do with that. it makes me feel unimaginably discouraged. i'm going to be honest. i'm gonna be honest here. it almost makes me want to kill myself. i'm not going to, of course. but it makes me passively suicidal. like asking what i even have to live for anymore kind of thing. because i don't know. i feel like it hasn't got this bad in a long time. i thought maybe i was past it. but i thought i was past a lot of things, like my self hatred, that i really, really wasn't. so i don't know. does anything change? does anything EVER change? do i ever change? i mean, it changes, in a sense, but does it really truly change, in some deeper way? it feels like there's some immutable bedrock to life or to my being that just never seems to budge no matter how i struggle against it. or how much things seem to get better on the surface. i mean, maybe that's just the nature of it. the core is always going to be more well-protected. so maybe it just needs more time, more effort. but god. it's so, so frustrating. and so demoralizing.
and it really does feel like, it fucked everything up. i fucked everything up. i fucked it, and it's my fault, and i can't go back to fix it. i relied on her too much. i was too dependent, too mentally ill. i needed her too much. no matter how much i tried, no matter how much i tried to hold up my end of things, no matter what i did and struggled through and managed and even improved at. it wasn't good enough. it just wasn't fucking good enough at all. and that's not her fault, she can't do anything about the way she feels. but it just feels so horrible. it was so perfect, and i was trying everything i could to keep it that way. but it just wasn't good enough. and it didn't work. and now maybe it will never work. and i might never have that ever, EVER, again. i'll just sit here slaving away in the desert doing nothing all day until i die alone. that's what makes me feel like my life is truly over. i failed completely at the one thing i had, the one hope that i had, the one purpose i feel like i could hold on to. now it's gone. and i feel like i have nothing.
and again. the horrible thing is maybe that's why! it failed perhaps precisely because i have nothing else, because i need this so badly. i need it, therefore i cannot have it. it feels so cruel when i think about it that way. but it seems like that's just the rule of life. i can only have it, or some lesser thing approximating it, perhaps, now, if i don't need it anymore. but i don't know how not to need it. i feel like i need it so terribly badly. i can't find anything else that i need so much. i don't know what else i want as badly, i don't know what else i care about, i don't even know what the fuck else to do. i don't know what to do with myself just to fill my day half the time. to find a purpose, to feel happy on my own... i don't know how that's even possible. i just don't know. maybe it is. but i don't know where to even begin. and again, now it almost just feels pointless, because what am i doing it for? that's my problem too, i mean, i guess it's the purpose thing. like i can imagine doing it, if it's for someone else, to be with them, to maintain a relationship with them, to make them proud. but what does it matter for myself? if i feel so unsure i'll ever get her back, or ever even meet anybody else that i love as much, what is the point? if i feel so certain that all else i have is just wasting away until i die. i don't know how to change this.
i don't know. do i need religion? do i need to do it for god, or something? the way i put that itself makes it seem unlikely. but i don't know. what else do people do things for? is it really just, for yourself? just for the sake of it? i mean. i can understand such things, of course. but i just feel like i'm running out of things that even get close to that, and none of them really feel like enough to sustain a life, to feel like a real purpose, and not just something to fill up time. i don't know. and i still don't know if this is even fundamentally wrong. i mean plenty of people want to find love or have a family and that's their goal, right? it feels like people only really say you can't do this when it fails. or maybe it is still just, you need a dual purpose or something, or this can only be one goal out of multiple, or it can't take up TOO much importance. but how do you judge that? how do you even know if you're ready or not? i don't fucking know. i guess you just know when something like this happens and you fuck your whole life up for good. i guess that's how you know.
i don't know. maybe this is the first step to figuring all this out. i just have to be this despondent and nearly suicidal and feeling like i'm perpetually trying to claw my way out of rock bottom, a rock bottom that sometimes feels like it only falls apart further beneath my feet as i try to climb up. i just have to be this way for a while or something. or forever. or just for a while. i just don't know. it hurts real real bad. but i don't know what else i can do other than take it one step at a time. one day at a time. i guess. what else can i do? i suppose i have a funny kind of "optimism." i seem so utterly suicidal yet i can't actually let myself give up. sometimes i don't really know even if i'm optimistic or pessimistic. i don't really know. maybe it doesn't matter, maybe it's too complicated. it feels too complicated. i could write and write and think and think all day and never really feel like i'm getting anything entirely figured out. guess that's just life too. or my life, since i can't seem to convince myself i understand anything, always second guessing. i dunno.
what else is there to say. probably not much. but i feel more and more the urge to write lately. i guess it's funny how much easier it is, when i'm feeling awful, compared to when i'm doing well. i guess because this is like a cope, it's a release valve, you know. it helps me. or feels like it does, anyway. but nobody really says it's bad to journal, so maybe it's fine. maybe it's fine. maybe everything is fine. it really doesn't feel like it's fine, at all. but feelings are untrustworthy sometimes, aren't they? i don't know. maybe it's fine. maybe i have to keep telling myself that. telling myself until i believe it. maybe it's fine. maybe it's fine.
it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. again. almost every god damned day, something else. something that sets me off, and makes me spiral. i thought the new deltarune chapter could at least make me feel alright, for a little while. it did. but just a day later i'm back to this. back to thinking about it, agonizing over it. it's like i can't help myself. maybe i was even supposed to learn something from it, or something. no. i just can't get over it. i don't even want to say "not yet." i'm in love with her. i can't accept it being gone for good. i'm delusional. but i can't accept it. i love her so much. and it really, really hurts.
it's like i just. have this gaping wound or something. and almost every day, it's like i get stabbed in it again. salt poured on, torn apart further with fingers, poking and prodding, whatever makes me scream the loudest. and i know this isn't even the worst that can happen. yet it's like agony. i hate it. i hate it so much. it's hard to help from hating myself. but it hurts. it feels like there's nothing i can do. i don't know what i can do. distracting myself doesn't help. distancing myself doesn't help, nor does getting closer. it's all just as painful, just as horrible. i don't know what to do.
i just wish i could get her to love me again. or to feel even a little of what she felt before, to want to try. i think it feels so necessary for me to hold on precisely because i don't understand, and maybe she doesn't understand either. it just doesn't make sense. but in that, there's nothing so final or so resolute that really, truly severs any hope. i still can't help but hold on to this idea of, what if, maybe in this or that amount of time, or with this or that amount of effort, or of patience, or of love, or just backing off and doing nothing. or, something. anything. it feels like there could be something there, maybe it's just being, i don't know, repressed, or ignored, ran away from. blocked by something, by these things she won't talk about.
and she still wants me around! she doesn't want me to leave. what else am i supposed to feel with that, other than this simmering hope, this need to grasp and reach and struggle, for anything, anything at all. just a little bit of progress. a little bit of change. what else do you expect from me? what else can i do? i have to delude myself. if this really is delusion. because i love her. i love her so, so terribly much. and all of this just makes me love her even more. it makes me want her even more. i feel so many emotions at once, it's utterly overwhelming. from one to the next to the next, all just as intense. and sometimes i feel this excitement, feeling like these things are true. that maybe it will all be alright. and soon she will want me just the same again. maybe even more so. maybe breaking through some kind of wall, i can help work through her problems or fears or hesitations, or whatever it may be, and she'll feel things she's never even felt before with me, just like i'm feeling things i've never felt before either... but in a good way again this time. and it would be so intense, so beautiful. so perfect, even in our imperfection. things would be good again, for both of us.
but oh god. oh jesus. it's psychotic, isn't it? it's a fantasy, it's delusional. it's insane. i'm insane. i'm crazy. there's something wrong with me. i don't know. it's just too much. why do i feel these things? it's just, i mean it's dramatic isn't it? but i really do feel these things so strongly. that's why i put them this way. i would do just about anything to be with her again. if i could just know, if i could just know what i had to do. if i had a tally, of all these days, these horrible days where it feels horrible and awful and agonizing, ruminating and crying and panicking, if i knew there were only so many before things could be better again, i'd endure it. 50 days, 100 days, 3 years, 10 years. i'd do it, if it meant we could really be together. if there was something she needed me to do, i would do it. but i don't know what that is. i don't know what i have to do. maybe nothing. but not knowing is really what hurts.
i don't know. i don't know! i don't know how to stop this. maybe all of this is precisely what's making things worse. maybe we could be together one day if i stopped being so emotional, so tortured, so psychotic and borderline and hysterical about all of this. what about that idea? maybe this is just another self-defeating prophecy. maybe i'm just hurting her, and myself, and driving her further and further until there's not even a single chance at all, and she really does cut me off with finality. even if there's no chance anyway, maybe it's still horrible. i don't want to be horrible. i don't want to hurt her or even bother her or be a negative influence in any way. i wanted it to be a positive relationship. i wanted it to be something where we both made things better for the other, help share the weight, stand on equal and fair footing. but now it just feels like i really am the burden, even in this distanced state. it hurts, and i hate it, so much.
but what can i do? i feel so utterly, completely destroyed, and trapped. i feel completely fragile. there are no defenses left, if there even were any before. it's like i said earlier with the wound. i try to grasp at anything to cover it up but nothing works. i get damaged and hurt just the same again, or even worse. i don't know how to cope. i try to ignore it, i try to distract, i try to focus on something better, it doesn't work! it doesn't fucking work! this is all i care about. i love her, and i want to be with her. that's what i want. and that's what hurts me. that's what hurts me so fucking much. to feel so strongly for someone, to feel so close. like we're perfect for one another, and everything she is and everything she does is so wonderful and so beautiful to me. and i desire her so deeply. and i want to spend the rest of my life with her. but she doesn't want that. because she's scared, or disillusioned, or blocked by something, or just, doesn't want it anymore, or whatever else. i don't know. i don't even know! but the idea of it failing, of it falling apart, just like that, to lose her more and more until one day maybe we don't even know each other anymore, it just hurts. it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. how can i just ignore this. how can i move on from this. do i even want to move on? no, i don't. i don't truly want anyone else. i don't at all. and it fucking hurts.
i don't know. maybe it's something fucking stupid. like i just get tired of feeling this way and it stops and i fucking relax for once. let things be what they will be. i don't know. i can almost feel that way sometimes but it never lasts. what the fuck am i supposed to do. maybe i just feel the pain. maybe this is the only way. and i just have to accept it. i have to keep accepting it. that it will just be horrible for a while. this is another horrible day in a long series of horrible days ahead of me. but maybe it'll be less horrible one day, however that happens. maybe i can hope for that, at least a little. but it sure is hard right now. it's real hard. and i don't know if it's okay for it to be this hard. i don't know if any of what i'm feeling, or more importantly, what i'm doing, what i'm compelled to do, and torn about with, is okay. maybe it's horrible and reprehensible and makes me a bad person. that's what i'm scared of. i'm scared, like i said before, that it's hurting people, pushing them away... especially her. it makes me feel so, so horrible. so i don't know if it's okay. i wish these things didn't happen. i wish i could just be positive all the time, a positive influence to everyone, always a help, always making their life better and not worse. but that doesn't always happen. and i don't know if that's okay. i don't know what to do if it isn't.
feeling so strange. i guess i just feel so embarrassing now, all the time. or maybe like a sickening feeling, that maybe i've always been embarrassing, and pathetic, and worthless. like i'm just a clown show to make fun of, or to look at and feel better about yourself, thinking "at least i'm not that guy." i don't know. maybe it's just in my head. but it feels so heavy all the time now. it feels like when i'm not distracting myself from it, it's eating me up inside how lost i feel, and how low. i feel like i really don't respect myself. like no matter how much progress i make, or what i do, or how i try to reach for some sense of living up to my ideals, i'm just this weird little ugly pathetic freak. just this laughingstock coward, afraid of everyone, everything, afraid of his own shadow. afraid to stand up for myself, afraid to believe in anything, to do anything. just afraid.
and someone that no one really respects, no one will ever really look up to, or depend on. i think about those things a lot lately especially. maybe it's the "blow to masculinity" thing. i just feel like a little kid, in every sense, but in those ways especially now. i don't know. i guess there's almost no way to put it other than i feel like a failure as a man. maybe that's just the association, those things with manhood. well, i again at least just feel like a failure in those ways, i feel like someone no one should really respect. i feel like i have no strength, physically or mentally. i haven't achieved much of anything that anyone should really look up to or aspire towards. i guess maybe that's not so bad though. well, it depends on how you define achievement, maybe. but no one depends on me either. i wanted her to be able to depend on me, but i guess she couldn't. i don't know.
it's the kind of thing that really does make me think about being a husband, even a father. i fantasize about it more and more. but then i realize, or i get told things that amount to the realization, that i'm still just some stupid kid myself. how could i take care of anyone? how could i even be the other half of anyone, or i don't know, just hold my end of any relationship? it seems like i just keep failing. but what does it even mean, to succeed? what does it mean to have strength, or to be dependable, or to be a good partner, or even just a good person, or any other strong definition of identity? do i know what these things mean? am i just throwing them around as vague concepts, things i don't have that i wish i did, that some nebulous "other people" seem to, do i even understand what i'm saying? maybe i don't. but i hate that about myself. just playing around with things, entertaining them, but i can't just decide what i think. then something might actually happen, or i might develop some sort of concrete identity, and we can't have that. just remain some bumbling fool, forever wandering, forever questioning, babbling to himself, repeating the same "i don't knows" through the wasteland until he keels over in a ditch one morning.
what do i even want? what do i want for myself? anything? is it all just to impress others, to make them happy? what do i really care about anymore? maybe that's the problem about all this. maybe all of this has just made me realize how i want to do anything, anything at all, just to be liked, for attention, for reassurance, for validation, for understanding, for love. for others, for others to be benefitted, and for others to care about me. a people pleaser to the core. all concepts of self, of personal drive, beliefs and values, can be discarded and destroyed, if i may even grasp for a taste of the sweet forbidden nectar of The Other. i am mundane, but they could be interesting! i know my thoughts and feelings, but i don't know theirs! they have opinions, and beliefs, and understandings to discover. even ones about me! it's an entire world, in every single other person. a pandora's box. i think i become obsessed with this, terribly obsessed. and i forget about myself.
so when i have to remember, when i am forced to remember, it pains me. to myself, i am not one of the interesting people. i am not one of the respectable ones. in my hubris, perhaps, i feel as though there is nothing left to discover within myself. and, maybe more importantly to me, i feel as though no one else sees anything to discover in me either. yes, i think that's what hurts the most. that's it. no one finds me as interesting and beautiful and meaningful as i find them. or, even if i find what i think i want, and they do find me so interesting, i see something horrible, and ugly reflected inside, i see it and it looks like me. the desperation, the self-debasement. it may not even be in them, truthfully, it could simply be an illusion, a projection. but i face myself in that, and i don't like it. not at all.
so then, do i even find people interesting? is there anything to truly back up how i destroy myself for everyone else, or is it simply empty, simply its own illusion that i constantly avoid shattering? i think there are some who i respect, and some who i don't. but like with many other things, i cannot seem to allow these values and opinions to actually be expressed or to matter. i can't let myself have standards, i can't strive for ideals. because i am among those who i don't respect. i allow myself anything that i desire, anything that makes me happy, like a petulant child i just want to leave me alone. i don't facilitate learning, or growth. only stagnation, and fun distraction. the people-pleasing routine, i run it on myself, every day! i am one of the people that i please!
ugh. i guess i'm not sure what else to say. maybe there really is something to discover in all this. i mean, i realize that i am still neglecting myself. i understand this in some sense. i don't know what i will do, or could do, but i sort of understand it, or at least i grasp at an understanding. i am at a very low point again, it feels like. or really, again, i question if i ever even left. perhaps i never climbed up more than a meter or so, over and over... just learning to imagine how far i was getting, how much progress i was making. maybe it doesn't matter. no use fretting about the past, or something. maybe i can still believe that one.
but anyway. i don't know who i am. or whatever seems like me here, i don't like it very much. i guess i'm just thinking about what i want. who i want to be. or what really is so wrong about me now. maybe all of those things tie into each other inextricably. i'm not really sure. i guess i always feel better, at least a little, writing about these things. that's why i've always done it, of course. through all the worst times. even with how much contempt i seem to have for myself, i have to accept that in these times, or in this personal sense, there's no one else to go through it all with. no one better to go down the list, to make note of it all, to try and make sense of it. it's all i really have, at the bottom of this pit. i think it's the only way i'm ever making it out of here.
yeah so it's over. it's straight up oversville. so well an update, finally, on what i talked about in the entry before the last one. that person who had a crush on me did end up contacting me. like a week ago now actually. and uhhh yeah i mean. it didn't work out. luckily this time before too much time had passed, but yeah. it's interesting though, i mean what killed it was he just wasn't attracted to me after seeing my face. which is fair. although it does still make me question my attractiveness... although i don't know. i don't think it means i'm ugly since he said i wasn't unattractive (although you could figure maybe he was being nice) and everyone has their preferences and all. i mean look i know it sounds like cope but really. i think my face is weird, like i have attractive features but they're not arranged in the most conventionally attractive way or something. so i look sort of autistic. but i don't know i think i still rely on the rare experience like this to even understand some semblance of how i look to other people. it's hard to judge myself for obvious reasons... but there you go i guess.
for some reason it doesn't hurt that bad though. i mean even the possibility of what if my face is hard to be attracted to or something. i mean it's nothing i can really do that much about anyway. i suppose. maybe it just hasn't hit me yet or it'll factor in next time i'm feeling more fucked up about all this and worried over my future prospects (or lack thereof). i guess there are some things i can do. like i wonder if i'd look better with a different hair-style. i wear mine sort of chara style since they're so COOL AND BADASS and stuff but i wonder sometimes if it would look better with my face if it was more a behind the ears sort of thing. or something like that. i just get conflicted because of the aforementioned chara thing i'm autistic and attached. but i don't know. i don't know man! i'm hoping i'm not coping. hope it's not a cope. hope i'm not super ugly and retarded looking. sure do hope i'm not. yeah.
but uhh well. to be honest too maybe this additional rejection hurts less because of my thoughts discussed in the last entry. you know, how i'm almost not even sure if i'd want to be with a man anymore, or if i really even could. and that's still, you know. uhhh. kind of scary! and fucked up! i don't know what i'm gonna do man! be alone forever? what do we think of that one. what do we think of that one guys? any thoughts on this very real and very terrifying possibility rapidly approaching my poor frail unprotected form at one million miles an hour? no? no thoughts? just feelings. yeah okay. just feelings for you today sir. that'll be 14.99 please. cash or card?
yeah. well i think that's actually all i have to say right now. i just wanted to close the loop on that whole arc. so now you know i am totally romantically alone rejected multiple times still crying over a girl i love who doesn't want me anymore embarrassing divorced asgore style in this bitch. that's my current status. reporting in sir. over.
i think i might be straight dude. i think i might actually be fucking straight. and this may be an incredibly dark and dire realization. but i think it might be true.
i mean, immediately you can argue with that and it's true i mean something specific by it. i'm still bisexual in effect, i think, but it's like a fake bisexual where i only like certain kinds of men that are at the very least androgynous or have certain features, usually feminine ones. and i think chara is like the absolute male ideal to me, in terms of a partner, and i'm wondering if that especially is something that basically ensures no real man will ever measure up, no man could be my real partner in a way that even gets close to chara. and that leads into how i think i really, truly, cannot imagine now having a life with someone who isn't a woman. hell, maybe i even want to have a family! i mean, jesus christ. this is dark.
it's dark because i don't know if that is achievable. i don't know if that will ever happen, now. i feel like i had my chance, but i blew it, and that will never happen again. i don't know. well, jesus, look. i mean maybe i'm just really demoralized. you know? you see a lot of bad stuff these days. a lot of bad stuff. maybe it's all not true. maybe it's more possible than i think. i guess i just thought i could escape it. maybe thinking i could be with a man was a cope this whole time. chara is a special case, but from the beginning i was always into women, only imagined them. chara changed that, but even then it was limited. i think that really is my true preference and desire, in the real world. and i simply pressed it down within me, found distractions, since it seemed less and less possible especially for someone like me. just never even had a chance. just in the way of never even knowing women personally, by happenstance or otherwise, not because i was trying to avoid them but it just never happened. mostly. and all that bad, real bad crap you see, that gets in your head.
but i don't know. maybe it's just that bad stuff, but it makes me feel like a sucker. makes me feel like i'm taking the bait, falling hook line and sinker, for the oldest trick in the book. i'm scared of getting hurt again, basically. actually, i suppose it's interesting. failing with a woman has felt so much different in a sense from failing with a man. failing with a woman, it's made me feel a unique blow to my self esteem, feelings i've never really felt before. i never cared about being emasculated before, but now i feel it, now i worry about it. it's like it all brings up totally new vectors of pain that i thought i could avoid before. but perhaps that's it. i thought i could avoid it, but i couldn't, and now it catches up. in a way, maybe that gives me a strange sense of hope. is this part of how you really "become a man?" maybe there really is a lot i was just running away from. i don't know.
i just don't know what i'm going to do about it. i still don't know if this is right. maybe i'm being led by biology, by instinct. even then, i don't know if it would be good or bad. there are just a lot of strange feelings to it. again, so much that i just never feel. it's a lot to take at once. maybe in that way this is one of those things where even a week from now i'll be in a totally different spot again, and reading this will feel strange and make me cringe. well, i guess that's just how it is. but christ, man. i don't know. i want to find a woman who i love and who loves me and i want to be with her. i might be fucked. hooooooly shit.
thinking about a lot today. i guess i've been reading this book collecting some works of jung, and i read for a while today. and that always gets it going. i almost don't know or don't want to talk about anything in particular even though i'm writing this. or maybe my thoughts are just too scattered... i don't know. strange day. and at the same time, quite normal for me. the strange days aren't unusual, but they never get less strange.
it's been two weeks now at this volunteer room and board thing. i've really pretty much gotten used to it now. i guess after living in missouri the physical aspects aren't that bad, and much much more comfortable here even compared to how it was there. it's not much new though to me anymore, in that way. actually working, and to a schedule, is though. and i suppose that's interesting. it's interesting to finally know i can handle it, at least in this strange configuration. but it is being handled nonetheless, and i don't feel unusually stressed out or anything. even on a sunday afternoon like this. maybe there's something beneficial to this after all. at least it isn't quite regretful.
i just wonder what i'll do after. i think about, maybe this is all so bearable simply because i know it's only temporary, it will end in another two weeks. if i had to start working indefinitely maybe that would feel quite different. i think a lot about how, at least for me, anxiety and anxious sorts of feelings often seem to be tied almost inextricably to a sense of eternity, the idea that whatever unpleasant thing i'm fixating on might last forever, might never end. i wonder if it's the same here, that i'm only so alright with this because i know it will end, and quite soon at that. maybe. again though, the question of after. i thought about going to the UK just to travel for some time, but i almost don't know if it's worth it, even with the idea of seeing online friends i'm quite fond of. it's nothing against them though, i think it's just that since i don't think i'd be able to impose the idea of staying with them, i wouldn't really have much to do when not hanging out with them or not much drive anyway. i guess traveling alone, as much as i suppose i've proven i can do it, isn't very pleasant. and maybe i'm just tired now of these things for a time.
so a big part of me i guess just wants to go home. or, well, i don't really want to. honestly i don't at all. but what else can i do? and i mean "home" too just in the sense of going back to the US. i do have a friend i could likely be staying with too. but even then as cool as that might be, i'm still just so aimless, and it's back to sitting around in the middle of a suburb where there's not much outside of staring at concrete all day and getting driven to walmart or something. it's funny, i used to not really understand when people would say like, there's nothing to do in a small town, nothing to do in the suburbs, that kind of thing. but now after experiencing being rural and being in a city i guess i really am a city slicker. or maybe where i was, was just a very nice place that gave me a good impression and not many city environments are like that. or really, small town places could be nicer in certain places too. or in situations unlike the one i was in, certainly... i don't know. i guess i could be satisfied with a lot. i just know some things, i know i hate driving, i like having at least some places to go, i would like at least some opportunity to be social or see people, yadda yadda.
anyway, kind of a tangent i guess. i don't know where i'm going with it. and i don't know where i'm going! in any sense, really. i'm honestly wondering if i should go to college or some shit like that at this point, which is something i used to be so against. i don't even know. i mean, can i really just NEET forever? even if i found someone else, or whatever, live in a NEET mansion where we pool everything we got together, all our disability bucks, i don't know. i guess what i wrote about last time really still muddies all of that, since i simply don't know what i want at all. the only ideas i have or have gotten passionate about are just related to people, and when they go or make distance, it all vanishes before my eyes, dreams dashed, the whole shebang. which, of course, makes me consider, what if i could find someone else. as hard as that is to think about... but it's as over as over can be in that department, despite my own feelings. at least for the forseeable future or something, but it's probably just forever. and yeah, that fucking hurts. but i guess it's the truth. can you tell how hard i'm trying to detach myself to say that?
but anyway. maybe i can say that only because i had another taste of being wanted again, even if only very much just a taste... but that was enough to change my tune a bit the past day or two, which is strange. someone on the undertale general said they have a crush on me the other day. and, i mean just before that i was still feeling so horrible about myself like i have been lately. all the stuff i talked about, feeling like i'm unlovable, a total failure, failure as a man, stuff like that... but when they said that it almost kind of punched a hole through my self hatred and demoralization or something. it made me really happy and excited and curious. i still wonder who they are really, if they will ever talk to me more, what kind of person they are, so on. i guess i don't know if i'll find out, though... well. they just said they were anxious, worried about freaking me out or something, i don't know. which is funny to me since i know that kind of thing is likely impossible especially with how i am right now, but it's understandable from another's perspective, you know.
part of me is a little worried too though. i mean, with this girl i love, who doesn't love me back anymore, when we met it was really the same thing. she had a crush on me and sought me out and things went from there. so with this person, what if the same thing happened, we got closer, then suddenly one day they change their mind, or start to feel differently... i don't know. maybe it's against better judgement, but i still feel like i don't even care. maybe that just makes me desperate, stupidly desperate. i just still can't shake my desire for loving and being loved. i don't know what you call this. maybe this is another mental illness of mine or something. i don't think it's as bad as BPD, but maybe i really am codependent or something of the sort. or needy, or however you want to put it... i don't know. i guess you could make your own judgement from all this stuff i've said recently. i just don't know. but people are exciting. that's what i do know. and i'm not seeing a lot of any other better opportunities, i didn't in the past and i don't now. so i feel like i can't and don't want to be one to decline such things, just because i decided it might go badly. that sort of anxiety is reserved for ruining the rest of my life instead, with fun ordeals like "going to the store" and "asking for help on basic tasks when i really need it" and so on.
saying all this though, again, maybe they just never talk to me. either they remain afraid and drop the whole thing, or maybe their feelings go away before we even get to truly talk, or maybe it isn't even the sort of feeling for them that would lead to wanting to get to know each other better in the first place. i don't know. even writing this much about it, thinking this much about it, maybe that is the most ultimate, damning sign of my absolute desperation and pathetic neediness that there ever could be. maybe i'm retarded! maybe i'm just a big dumb idiot! durrrrrr! i don't know. i guess if nothing else, it does help my feeling that i'm totally unlovable and unattractive to anyone and every time i've experienced that was a fluke, and every time may be the absolute last, i'll never get so lucky again. well, it helps that feeling for now. but i'll hope for the best, as cynical and pessimistic as my mind can be. i hope i don't cringe hard reading this in like a year or something... well, i've written far worse. far, far worse.
i don't know what else to say though. i still feel conflicted with all this in contrast with how i still feel for that girl. again, in practical terms, maybe if i did find someone now it would be a good thing, or at least these feelings of maybe being wanted overriding my anxieties, giving me hope... but i worry somehow that i'm "feeling things wrong" or something, like i need to distance myself from all affection for like a year now or else it's evil or some crap. or maybe it'll fuck me up. maybe i am stupid. i don't know. but i guess all of these feelings and events can exist and happen simultaneously, the immense loss and pain and longing, but also excitement about possibility. i don't knowwwwww i don't know! this feels like something you're supposed to go through in puberty and not at 24. but in 2026, buddy, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. yeah. maybe a week later nothing happens and my mood swings back down again and i'll be back with another downer entry. that's just my stupid retarded life. tee hee!
also maybe there's a chance that person has found my site and this secret page on it and is reading this right now. if so hi i hope i'm not scaring you. actually i hope i'm not scaring anybody else, just, you know, in general. yeah. yeeah.....
i did this jungian word association test thing i found online yesterday. i feel like the results were kind of... grim, for maybe obvious reasons even not seeing the key word details. but it is interesting i suppose. the word in the middle i keep thinking the most about... well, don't worry, i mean not literally. but in the sense of that being what i ended up with, as the final word. in that slot is the key word of DESTINY. which again i think is not like a literal prediction or something. but it represents something like, in your state of mind, the ultimate unconscious goal, or what everything on your mind seems to be gearing towards, preparing for. and i guess it's strangely meaningful that way. even when i'm not feeling too bad, people keep telling me i seem like i'm still deeply depressed, or cynical or pessimistic or something. and i guess this is yet another thing that makes me think about how that can even be.
i mean, maybe to someone else it does seem obvious. i guess i can see how it's obvious even reading these journal entries especially. but to me a lot of the time, i actually feel like, even at the worst times, i'm more optimistic than i've ever been before, more able to cope with things and feel alright with the challenges laid before me on average. which, again, this is comparitive, which i suppose is maybe the important part. like it used to be so, so much worse. considering that, every small victory to me feels like a miracle and a blessing. but i guess to anyone else, or maybe just objectively... it still doesn't look great.
and i keep thinking about this. about positive and negative thinking. i think maybe it is true indeed that a lot of my thoughts are either neutral, or negative... i don't have a lot of actual, concrete, positive thoughts or self talk or whatever going on internally. a way of thinking about it i actually considered earlier was like, i think a lot of my thoughts that aren't neutral to begin with go in a short sequence of, basically being bombarded with any flavor of negative thought, or worry, anxiety, what have you, often pretty delusional or at least exaggerated. but the only response to that i have is a sort of logic-response, rationalization, or "objective voice," trying to work through the issue in that sense and that way only. which is often how i'll end up pacing around thinking to myself for nearly hours when i have really bad anxious thoughts and worries, trying to make myself feel better by exploring every possible angle and reminding myself continuously of what seems "true" and "correct." but in all this i think i never actually make the jump to having a truly "positive" thought. it's all cold and logical and neutral in a sense, even if maybe it's an attempt at reassurance in the only way i can think how, and even if i try to make it light and humorous and joke with myself and all, you know. it's just not actual reassurance, it's not positive thinking, it's not feeling good about myself or about my future or anything at all. even when i realize there's probably nothing wrong or whatever, there's an element of bleakness i guess. but i suppose i'm used to it?
i don't know. maybe that's overthinking it too. i mean, for some things i wonder what a positive thought even looks like. well, i think saying that is disingenuous actually. i think i usually know what it would be like. i just can't bring myself to think it. why? i guess a lot of the time it almost seems as simple as just, it's more effort. it comes far easier to think about the negatives rather than the positives. the things i don't have rather than what i do. it almost feels like positive thoughts are a "dead end" somehow, or like they're "boring," like yeah of course i'll get this thing if i take this risk, or of course it's nice i have this. that doesn't make this horrible, terrifying, scary thing that won't get out of my mind become any less of an issue... or will it? maybe i just haven't been positive enough. there's that nebulous, unfalsifiable, "am i trying hard enough or not" type question again too. i don't know. jesus. writing about this i suddenly feel like i'm being tangled up in knots. i guess that's what trying to figure myself out feels like sometimes. figuring any of this stuff out. i don't know.
it makes me scared, i think. that word association test makes me scared. i think above a lot of other things i worry about how it makes other people feel, how it makes them see me. maybe that's an awful thing, or conceited, whatever. i feel sort of embarrassed thinking about how i must look. and guilty about how i must be to deal with. i don't want to bring people down. i don't want to hurt them. it's like a thousand knives in my chest thinking about hurting the people i care about just by existing near them or involving myself. but that's what it feels like happens sometimes. i don't know. i think these things are great and terrible fears that hang over me at all times, and this is part of why it's probably so plain how awful i'm doing all the time even when i don't seem to realize or accept it. but what else can i do? i just try my best. i feel like that's all i can do. but is it enough? i don't fucking know man. i just want to be enough i guess. i want to do right by people. do i want to do right by myself? i guess i almost don't know what that would mean... which is perhaps another problem. what do i even want for myself. i have no idea.
i think my self esteem is just still really low. i thought it got better for a while with sig, but maybe that was all just sort of illusion... no, it did take me out of the worst of it. i think. but there's still a whole lot left. and it comes out especially at times like this. really, i've also been thinking my whole relationship trouble has probably been the most massive trigger for it. maybe that's incredibly obvious, i don't know. but you know, it just calls so much into question and makes me even more crazy about stupid shit. i question things like if i'm a failure as a man or not masculine enough in some way for example, that's something i never really cared much about before. or it makes me confront feelings like jealously, or potential jealousy anyway, in my delusional imaginings. but above anything else maybe is again just how it all makes me question my worth as a person, even. or if anyone i know would care that much if i was gone from their life forever tomorrow. if she would care. and people can tell me one thing or another. but these fears don't seem to be alleviated by that. maybe because i don't think positively enough, going back to the earlier points about that. i don't know.
i just have a hard time with it. i feel so embarrassing and retarded. like everything i do is embarrassing and retarded and worthless. even this site, or my drawings, or whatever. i guess i'm still not the type to be so extreme that i delete everything for real. but you know, i have thoughts even about this is the point. all of my thoughts and feelings are embarrassing and retarded and delusional. that's how it feels anyway. i'm treading water here mentally. but what else can i do? things aren't so bad in reality. so what else can i do? just grin and bear it. i don't know. i'm trying really hard to do that. and it's tough. but what else can i do, man? maybe it's just a rough spot. i have those, it's not unusual. but.... what if..... ohh there could be something more i can do.... i need to have better thoughts.... god! what thoughts! i don't know. fucking hell man. it's hell to work it out in my head. but even being here going out doing stuff "in the world," talking to people in real life and having real concrete physical experiences, actually fucking WORKING, i'm doing WORK, honest to god days WORK and yet all i can do is think about this stupid shit all fucking day and feel all sad and lonely and wistful, woe is me. same fucking shit. what am i supposed to do? what am i doing wrong? really. what is it, exactly?
but i know, i know those are stupid questions. i'm fine, whatever, it's just a process, nobody has all the easy answers, yadda yadda. fine. maybe it's still just my sour god damned attitude. maybe i let this happen. if i would just think more positively, if i wouldn't give in so much to this. to all this. but it's hard. that doesn't excuse me. but it's hard. i'm sorry. i guess it is always partly my hope in my long-standing tradition of whining in my journal that maybe it helps get this stuff out so it would be easier for something better to take its place, or just get it off my chest anyway. i think i just leave it empty too often. sig told that to me. in fact, i guess a lot of this sort of thinking i got from him, the idea that perhaps even if you aren't thinking negative thoughts, neutral space will always attract them unless something positive actively takes its place. like how water will always flow into an open container, unless it is already filled. or well the fundamental nature of entropy, really. or something like that. i always thought a lot about that. i think it's one thing that is true. i guess i just struggle to be positive, to find things to be positive about. or at least, to do so with anything that isn't quite easy to find myself satisfied with... you know, my fanciful entertainments and fungames and the like.
i think it goes back to how i once again have very little i actually do or want to do, purely for myself. personal goals, aspirations. i don't know what i'm doing in life or what i want, other than things i can accomplish in a day, or knowing i sure as hell don't like being alone, or whatever other uncomfortable thing. maybe some vague artistic ideal in there for good measure, "make something cool," yeah heard it a million times. nothing very concrete. that's the point. i really don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going or what i want. that's why it often goes to other people, because i know i care about them and i care about them deeply. this girl, every moment i spend with her makes me so happy. just looking at her, being near her. even with this confusion, and the pain it makes me feel. it's just good to be around her, and it hurts when i have to be away. in my heart i want to do everything i can for her, even if it isn't much, or it's not good enough, i don't know. but i wish it could be. i want to be someone she relies on, i want it to matter that i'm there and around. i want to be a positive presence in her life, you know? so the complications hurt. and maybe that all just sounds so retarded and embarrassing and pathetic again. i don't know. but the point is i guess, that's how people, the real good people, make me feel. even chara can be counted really, i mean absolutely in a sense. they make everything seem worth it, they motivate me, keep me going, help me to do things i would never in a million years do otherwise.
so i guess i just feel lost when i encounter the idea, what if that's all flimsy, what if it can all fall apart? people always say, you can only truly rely on yourself. or even, that relationships can't even work if you aren't fine on your own anyway, if you can't be okay with your own company, if you don't have your own life, your own desires, your own ambitions, totally separate from others. maybe that's why i'm in the situation i'm in. i worry about that a lot too. i don't know. but what can i do? i'm trying all these different things, doing everything i can. but i still have no idea. maybe it's still just a process. it sounds like a platitude, but i guess it's usually true. you just wake up one day and you know. or you know that you've known, a long time, and just couldn't realize until then. maybe it all comes to me. slowly, maybe. maybe. fucking maybe. maybe i already have some things and i'm just insecure. maybe this is going on too long, and i should stop now. probably. it's 10 PM. yeah. i should probably just stop. maybe i'll know what i want when i'm 30. or 40. or 60. yeah. that'd be nice.
who knows.
been here in ireland for a week so far. doing that workaway volunteer thing. it was scary, leading up to it... but then in reality it wasn't so bad. typical story i guess, my fear is always worse than reality. but that's not what i'm thinking about. i still just keep thinking about her.
even saying that feels stupid, like i fell for some "trap." maybe you can say that. but i just don't understand. she's such a wonderful beautiful person, and we get along so well. everything feels so perfect when we're together, even now. but she just, doesn't love me that way i guess. or something. maybe part of how i can even cope like this, just hoping, maybe she will change her mind, maybe she will realize, whatever, is because she almost doesn't really know how to describe it, how she feels, why, so on. and i feel for that really deeply, you know... it's just hard to deal with. i don't know. i just don't know whats gonna happen and that's what is so frustrating. i don't know why this is happening. i have to lie to these people and say it's still true, and that makes me want to believe it. but can i? i can't decide if it makes me an utter idiot or not. i can't decide, i don't know.
when they suggested i just marry her to move to france, that one really hurt. i wish. i wish i could. i would marry her tomorrow if i could, if she agreed and wanted it too and loved me. but i don't know if any of that will ever be true now. i just miss her too. it just makes even the simple things more intense, makes me yearn more for them. just to talk to her, see her, hug her. even after a week that hurts a lot not having. i don't know.
it always feels like i have so much to say or get out. but i don't know. maybe it's just this deep sadness and uncertainty. it's heavy. or all the what-ifs, and all the "did i do something wrong" and all. what if it is the way i look, maybe my body isn't good enough, what if it was the sex, if i couldn't make her feel good or comfortable enough, what if it's just my personality, if i showed too much weakness, if i couldn't be enough of a rock for her to lean on, or at the very least useful enough, helpful enough, strong enough. i don't know. i know she's said so many times it isn't my fault, it's not any of that stuff. i just don't know how else to understand. i don't understand at all. and it really really hurts.
and i just keep thinking. like, why am i even doing anything? or i just wonder about my motivation in life. i feel like i'm so motivated by people i love. and if something has nothing to do with them or they can't join me, it's harder to care. it's hard to do things just for myself, or at least, anything that isn't quite leisurely i suppose. if i only did things for myself i would be even more of a manchild than i am now. i mean like being here in ireland, doing this work thing. it's for her, or was, or to make my parents happy, or because people say its a good idea, maybe itll give me experience. and no, i mean, i can believe it somewhat, i can get behind it. i think it's true and it is probably good for me. but when i think and feel deeply and reach into my soul and wonder, what do i really want in life? this has nothing to do with it. it's just a side quest, is all. i guess that's how it feels. and there's nothing wrong with side quests, i think. but it's like my heart can never really be in it. i don't know. maybe that's normal. i can't tell. i just wish she were here already, at least. i hope she does come.
but again, it's like it's just hard to do things for myself. doing anything alone is so, so hard for me. it would be so much easier if someone i was close to was doing it with me. and wanted me to do it, and was benefitted by it along with me, and so on. that's why i want so badly to have a life with someone, to have a life with her. because she makes everything easier, makes everything have a purpose, makes it all feel better, more right. but do i provide the same for her? i don't know. maybe not. maybe i am just a burden... but those thoughts are dangerous. it just hurts so much because i try my best. i try to help, i try to be there for people and to hold up my end of things as much as i can. i tried to do everything i could to be there for her like she is for me. but is it not good enough? i don't know. it's a complicated thing, i guess. i can figure that much. but i just don't know.
just makes me feel incapable i guess. but it's strange that way. since clearly i'm not that incapable. i mean i'm not crippled, even mental illness wise, there's a lot i've done, that i'm doing right now, which is incredible for someone like me, they're big improvements, very brave and whatnot. like traveling alone to a country i've never been to and stuff. but it's like there's something else about everything i mention in the paragraph above that makes me insecure anyway. like sure i can do these things, but i seem to fixate more on the reason why, or the meaning it has, which seems to be deeply uncertain to me. i feel weak and insecure in the way that i can't just be happy with these things, or satisfied with myself. because everything that i ACTUALLY want, i'm failing to get, or to keep... it remains elusive to me and transient. so by my own strange metrics i feel like a failure. and what if i don't even know what i want? what if even with these things i long for, i'd still feel incomplete? it just can't be entirely true though... i've experienced it. i know exactly how it feels to have someone to do things with, to do things for, to live and love with. and i know what it's like to be without it, or to face the possibility you may never have it again. and that's a cursed sort of understanding.
it's just so strange. i guess it does all bring me back to that familiar feeling of being entirely not fit for this world. like everything that other people want, or think i should want, i don't want. everything that should be a metric of success or progress or happiness, i don't care about as much or i only care about in a strange way or by strange relations. everything i do care about would bring me to an odd, probably unsustainable existence. but it's the way i feel and i feel it so strongly. so i don't really know what to do. i don't know how to live. and i miss her. i miss her so much.
thinking about sig again today. well, just a little. some things just remind me of him, out of nowhere. although, sometimes it's when i'm thinking about life in general, or relationships, which happens to be a lot of the time now. and i'll go deep into some things. but other times, it's just a random thing.
like i was watching 11.22.63 with garrett and everyone, there was a line in there about a "niggertown", it was funny, making me think of when sig used to say that about the east side of (town), where it gave way into (neighboring town). that his dad would call it that, and that's why he did too, i think. just a little thing. but it reminded me of him, of conversations we'd have
lee harvey oswald as he's portrayed in this show, he has a bit of this... lisp, or something. it makes him sound a little, well, retarded. that kind of speech impediment or whatever it is, whatever it's supposed to imply, i don't know much about him. but it reminded me of something else. the last time sig really came over, the last time i really saw him, talked to him, i guess. he had already mostly been away, not interacting for a long while, months by then.
suddenly, i forget the details but he asks to come over, his water was out and he needed to take a shower. that's all. of course in my head i treat it like this big thing, i finally get to see him, maybe something will become clearer about what's happening or what's going on or.. something. i don't know. but it was rather uneventful, i guess. for him, i guess that's not unusual. no time to be sentimental, no time to explain, not really. there are things that need to be done, or the thing he came for, and that's it. maybe a little idle chatter, but then he's gone. and that's about what happened. just came for a shower, talked a bit, then left. but there was something a little strange, even aside from the general strangeness, or the way he seemed more and more like he really was just somewhere else, like nothing down here really mattered to him anymore, not truly.
he was speaking in this strange way, like, well, having a speech impediment. lisping like he had mental problems. i don't know. i asked him and he said something about, a true germanic dialect or, i don't even remember. something about germans or his heritage thereof. i didn't really try to pry further at that point. it just felt wrong. like he was talking to me and it felt like he was brought down to a very low point. like speaking that way, it was undignified. i don't know. it felt very sad to me. i guess because it seemed like yet another strange thing he felt compelled to do for reasons that i could never truly understand as much as i tried and tried. he had traveled far beyond the benefit of the doubt. i suppose in that way, it was a meaningful last true meeting. but really, it just felt sad. it made me really sad. and it felt very wrong. but i still didn't know what else i could do. he said another thing i remember. something about it being nice, to have people you know that you can ask for help with things like this. it seemed like he was saying, it was good to know me, that he was grateful for me in some way. but it felt strangely ignorant of the circumstances. i guess i didn't know how to reply in that way. like he really just thought nothing was wrong. i think i said something to the effect of reminding him how i still don't understand what's going on with him, i want to see him more, etc., but i forget what he said, or anything. it must not have been anything new. but i think he really did just not understand. i guess i really couldn't hold that against him in the end.
well, that's just recounting things. i don't know if i have a point to it. maybe there doesn't have to be any. i think i get too caught up in thinking there has to be one, all the time. there must be a reason, a purpose. i think it's why i haven't written like this in so long. it feels pointless, but that feeling is a particular one, like it's not so much a complete lack of any reason, but more an inability for it to meet some arbitrary standard or justification in my head. it must not only have a purpose, but a specific kind of purpose, a purpose that is of a certain caliber, that reaches a high enough level, for it to be artistically or philisophically significant enough... to what, be stored in the god damned library of congress? i don't know. might as well. it's just a road block, police tape, it doesn't truly mean anything, i don't think. well, it's indicative of something i'm sure, subconsciously, right? but it doesn't MEAN anything. it's a scarecrow. and it seems like it has worked quite well, until i knocked it down. now we can mourn its death, until it ressurrects tomorrow at the crack of dawn. as it always does.