thinking about sig again today. well, just a little. some things just remind me of him, out of nowhere. although, sometimes it's when i'm thinking about life in general, or relationships, which happens to be a lot of the time now. and i'll go deep into some things. but other times, it's just a random thing.
like i was watching 11.22.63 with garrett and everyone, there was a line in there about a "niggertown", it was funny, making me think of when sig used to say that about the east side of (town), where it gave way into (neighboring town). that his dad would call it that, and that's why he did too, i think. just a little thing. but it reminded me of him, of conversations we'd have
lee harvey oswald as he's portrayed in this show, he has a bit of this... lisp, or something. it makes him sound a little, well, retarded. that kind of speech impediment or whatever it is, whatever it's supposed to imply, i don't know much about him. but it reminded me of something else. the last time sig really came over, the last time i really saw him, talked to him, i guess. he had already mostly been away, not interacting for a long while, months by then.
suddenly, i forget the details but he asks to come over, his water was out and he needed to take a shower. that's all. of course in my head i treat it like this big thing, i finally get to see him, maybe something will become clearer about what's happening or what's going on or.. something. i don't know. but it was rather uneventful, i guess. for him, i guess that's not unusual. no time to be sentimental, no time to explain, not really. there are things that need to be done, or the thing he came for, and that's it. maybe a little idle chatter, but then he's gone. and that's about what happened. just came for a shower, talked a bit, then left. but there was something a little strange, even aside from the general strangeness, or the way he seemed more and more like he really was just somewhere else, like nothing down here really mattered to him anymore, not truly.
he was speaking in this strange way, like, well, having a speech impediment. lisping like he had mental problems. i don't know. i asked him and he said something about, a true germanic dialect or, i don't even remember. something about germans or his heritage thereof. i didn't really try to pry further at that point. it just felt wrong. like he was talking to me and it felt like he was brought down to a very low point. like speaking that way, it was undignified. i don't know. it felt very sad to me. i guess because it seemed like yet another strange thing he felt compelled to do for reasons that i could never truly understand as much as i tried and tried. he had traveled far beyond the benefit of the doubt. i suppose in that way, it was a meaningful last true meeting. but really, it just felt sad. it made me really sad. and it felt very wrong. but i still didn't know what else i could do. he said another thing i remember. something about it being nice, to have people you know that you can ask for help with things like this. it seemed like he was saying, it was good to know me, that he was grateful for me in some way. but it felt strangely ignorant of the circumstances. i guess i didn't know how to reply in that way. like he really just thought nothing was wrong. i think i said something to the effect of reminding him how i still don't understand what's going on with him, i want to see him more, etc., but i forget what he said, or anything. it must not have been anything new. but i think he really did just not understand. i guess i really couldn't hold that against him in the end.
well, that's just recounting things. i don't know if i have a point to it. maybe there doesn't have to be any. i think i get too caught up in thinking there has to be one, all the time. there must be a reason, a purpose. i think it's why i haven't written like this in so long. it feels pointless, but that feeling is a particular one, like it's not so much a complete lack of any reason, but more an inability for it to meet some arbitrary standard or justification in my head. it must not only have a purpose, but a specific kind of purpose, a purpose that is of a certain caliber, that reaches a high enough level, for it to be artistically or philisophically significant enough... to what, be stored in the god damned library of congress? i don't know. might as well. it's just a road block, police tape, it doesn't truly mean anything, i don't think. well, it's indicative of something i'm sure, subconsciously, right? but it doesn't MEAN anything. it's a scarecrow. and it seems like it has worked quite well, until i knocked it down. now we can mourn its death, until it ressurrects tomorrow at the crack of dawn. as it always does.
been here in ireland for a week so far. doing that workaway volunteer thing. it was scary, leading up to it... but then in reality it wasn't so bad. typical story i guess, my fear is always worse than reality. but that's not what i'm thinking about. i still just keep thinking about her.
even saying that feels stupid, like i fell for some "trap." maybe you can say that. but i just don't understand. she's such a wonderful beautiful person, and we get along so well. everything feels so perfect when we're together, even now. but she just, doesn't love me that way i guess. or something. maybe part of how i can even cope like this, just hoping, maybe she will change her mind, maybe she will realize, whatever, is because she almost doesn't really know how to describe it, how she feels, why, so on. and i feel for that really deeply, you know... it's just hard to deal with. i don't know. i just don't know whats gonna happen and that's what is so frustrating. i don't know why this is happening. i have to lie to these people and say it's still true, and that makes me want to believe it. but can i? i can't decide if it makes me an utter idiot or not. i can't decide, i don't know.
when they suggested i just marry her to move to france, that one really hurt. i wish. i wish i could. i would marry her tomorrow if i could, if she agreed and wanted it too and loved me. but i don't know if any of that will ever be true now. i just miss her too. it just makes even the simple things more intense, makes me yearn more for them. just to talk to her, see her, hug her. even after a week that hurts a lot not having. i don't know.
it always feels like i have so much to say or get out. but i don't know. maybe it's just this deep sadness and uncertainty. it's heavy. or all the what-ifs, and all the "did i do something wrong" and all. what if it is the way i look, maybe my body isn't good enough, what if it was the sex, if i couldn't make her feel good or comfortable enough, what if it's just my personality, if i showed too much weakness, if i couldn't be enough of a rock for her to lean on, or at the very least useful enough, helpful enough, strong enough. i don't know. i know she's said so many times it isn't my fault, it's not any of that stuff. i just don't know how else to understand. i don't understand at all. and it really really hurts.
and i just keep thinking. like, why am i even doing anything? or i just wonder about my motivation in life. i feel like i'm so motivated by people i love. and if something has nothing to do with them or they can't join me, it's harder to care. it's hard to do things just for myself, or at least, anything that isn't quite leisurely i suppose. if i only did things for myself i would be even more of a manchild than i am now. i mean like being here in ireland, doing this work thing. it's for her, or was, or to make my parents happy, or because people say its a good idea, maybe itll give me experience. and no, i mean, i can believe it somewhat, i can get behind it. i think it's true and it is probably good for me. but when i think and feel deeply and reach into my soul and wonder, what do i really want in life? this has nothing to do with it. it's just a side quest, is all. i guess that's how it feels. and there's nothing wrong with side quests, i think. but it's like my heart can never really be in it. i don't know. maybe that's normal. i can't tell. i just wish she were here already, at least. i hope she does come.
but again, it's like it's just hard to do things for myself. doing anything alone is so, so hard for me. it would be so much easier if someone i was close to was doing it with me. and wanted me to do it, and was benefitted by it along with me, and so on. that's why i want so badly to have a life with someone, to have a life with her. because she makes everything easier, makes everything have a purpose, makes it all feel better, more right. but do i provide the same for her? i don't know. maybe not. maybe i am just a burden... but those thoughts are dangerous. it just hurts so much because i try my best. i try to help, i try to be there for people and to hold up my end of things as much as i can. i tried to do everything i could to be there for her like she is for me. but is it not good enough? i don't know. it's a complicated thing, i guess. i can figure that much. but i just don't know.
just makes me feel incapable i guess. but it's strange that way. since clearly i'm not that incapable. i mean i'm not crippled, even mental illness wise, there's a lot i've done, that i'm doing right now, which is incredible for someone like me, they're big improvements, very brave and whatnot. like traveling alone to a country i've never been to and stuff. but it's like there's something else about everything i mention in the paragraph above that makes me insecure anyway. like sure i can do these things, but i seem to fixate more on the reason why, or the meaning it has, which seems to be deeply uncertain to me. i feel weak and insecure in the way that i can't just be happy with these things, or satisfied with myself. because everything that i ACTUALLY want, i'm failing to get, or to keep... it remains elusive to me and transient. so by my own strange metrics i feel like a failure. and what if i don't even know what i want? what if even with these things i long for, i'd still feel incomplete? it just can't be entirely true though... i've experienced it. i know exactly how it feels to have someone to do things with, to do things for, to live and love with. and i know what it's like to be without it, or to face the possibility you may never have it again. and that's a cursed sort of understanding.
it's just so strange. i guess it does all bring me back to that familiar feeling of being entirely not fit for this world. like everything that other people want, or think i should want, i don't want. everything that should be a metric of success or progress or happiness, i don't care about as much or i only care about in a strange way or by strange relations. everything i do care about would bring me to an odd, probably unsustainable existence. but it's the way i feel and i feel it so strongly. so i don't really know what to do. i don't know how to live. and i miss her. i miss her so much.
i did this jungian word association test thing i found online yesterday. i feel like the results were kind of... grim, for maybe obvious reasons even not seeing the key word details. but it is interesting i suppose. the word in the middle i keep thinking the most about... well, don't worry, i mean not literally. but in the sense of that being what i ended up with, as the final word. in that slot is the key word of DESTINY. which again i think is not like a literal prediction or something. but it represents something like, in your state of mind, the ultimate unconscious goal, or what everything on your mind seems to be gearing towards, preparing for. and i guess it's strangely meaningful that way. even when i'm not feeling too bad, people keep telling me i seem like i'm still deeply depressed, or cynical or pessimistic or something. and i guess this is yet another thing that makes me think about how that can even be.
i mean, maybe to someone else it does seem obvious. i guess i can see how it's obvious even reading these journal entries especially. but to me a lot of the time, i actually feel like, even at the worst times, i'm more optimistic than i've ever been before, more able to cope with things and feel alright with the challenges laid before me on average. which, again, this is comparitive, which i suppose is maybe the important part. like it used to be so, so much worse. considering that, every small victory to me feels like a miracle and a blessing. but i guess to anyone else, or maybe just objectively... it still doesn't look great.
and i keep thinking about this. about positive and negative thinking. i think maybe it is true indeed that a lot of my thoughts are either neutral, or negative... i don't have a lot of actual, concrete, positive thoughts or self talk or whatever going on internally. a way of thinking about it i actually considered earlier was like, i think a lot of my thoughts that aren't neutral to begin with go in a short sequence of, basically being bombarded with any flavor of negative thought, or worry, anxiety, what have you, often pretty delusional or at least exaggerated. but the only response to that i have is a sort of logic-response, rationalization, or "objective voice," trying to work through the issue in that sense and that way only. which is often how i'll end up pacing around thinking to myself for nearly hours when i have really bad anxious thoughts and worries, trying to make myself feel better by exploring every possible angle and reminding myself continuously of what seems "true" and "correct." but in all this i think i never actually make the jump to having a truly "positive" thought. it's all cold and logical and neutral in a sense, even if maybe it's an attempt at reassurance in the only way i can think how, and even if i try to make it light and humorous and joke with myself and all, you know. it's just not actual reassurance, it's not positive thinking, it's not feeling good about myself or about my future or anything at all. even when i realize there's probably nothing wrong or whatever, there's an element of bleakness i guess. but i suppose i'm used to it?
i don't know. maybe that's overthinking it too. i mean, for some things i wonder what a positive thought even looks like. well, i think saying that is disingenuous actually. i think i usually know what it would be like. i just can't bring myself to think it. why? i guess a lot of the time it almost seems as simple as just, it's more effort. it comes far easier to think about the negatives rather than the positives. the things i don't have rather than what i do. it almost feels like positive thoughts are a "dead end" somehow, or like they're "boring," like yeah of course i'll get this thing if i take this risk, or of course it's nice i have this. that doesn't make this horrible, terrifying, scary thing that won't get out of my mind become any less of an issue... or will it? maybe i just haven't been positive enough. there's that nebulous, unfalsifiable, "am i trying hard enough or not" type question again too. i don't know. jesus. writing about this i suddenly feel like i'm being tangled up in knots. i guess that's what trying to figure myself out feels like sometimes. figuring any of this stuff out. i don't know.
it makes me scared, i think. that word association test makes me scared. i think above a lot of other things i worry about how it makes other people feel, how it makes them see me. maybe that's an awful thing, or conceited, whatever. i feel sort of embarrassed thinking about how i must look. and guilty about how i must be to deal with. i don't want to bring people down. i don't want to hurt them. it's like a thousand knives in my chest thinking about hurting the people i care about just by existing near them or involving myself. but that's what it feels like happens sometimes. i don't know. i think these things are great and terrible fears that hang over me at all times, and this is part of why it's probably so plain how awful i'm doing all the time even when i don't seem to realize or accept it. but what else can i do? i just try my best. i feel like that's all i can do. but is it enough? i don't fucking know man. i just want to be enough i guess. i want to do right by people. do i want to do right by myself? i guess i almost don't know what that would mean... which is perhaps another problem. what do i even want for myself. i have no idea.
i think my self esteem is just still really low. i thought it got better for a while with sig, but maybe that was all just sort of illusion... no, it did take me out of the worst of it. i think. but there's still a whole lot left. and it comes out especially at times like this. really, i've also been thinking my whole relationship trouble has probably been the most massive trigger for it. maybe that's incredibly obvious, i don't know. but you know, it just calls so much into question and makes me even more crazy about stupid shit. i question things like if i'm a failure as a man or not masculine enough in some way for example, that's something i never really cared much about before. or it makes me confront feelings like jealously, or potential jealousy anyway, in my delusional imaginings. but above anything else maybe is again just how it all makes me question my worth as a person, even. or if anyone i know would care that much if i was gone from their life forever tomorrow. if she would care. and people can tell me one thing or another. but these fears don't seem to be alleviated by that. maybe because i don't think positively enough, going back to the earlier points about that. i don't know.
i just have a hard time with it. i feel so embarrassing and retarded. like everything i do is embarrassing and retarded and worthless. even this site, or my drawings, or whatever. i guess i'm still not the type to be so extreme that i delete everything for real. but you know, i have thoughts even about this is the point. all of my thoughts and feelings are embarrassing and retarded and delusional. that's how it feels anyway. i'm treading water here mentally. but what else can i do? things aren't so bad in reality. so what else can i do? just grin and bear it. i don't know. i'm trying really hard to do that. and it's tough. but what else can i do, man? maybe it's just a rough spot. i have those, it's not unusual. but.... what if..... ohh there could be something more i can do.... i need to have better thoughts.... god! what thoughts! i don't know. fucking hell man. it's hell to work it out in my head. but even being here going out doing stuff "in the world," talking to people in real life and having real concrete physical experiences, actually fucking WORKING, i'm doing WORK, honest to god days WORK and yet all i can do is think about this stupid shit all fucking day and feel all sad and lonely and wistful, woe is me. same fucking shit. what am i supposed to do? what am i doing wrong? really. what is it, exactly?
but i know, i know those are stupid questions. i'm fine, whatever, it's just a process, nobody has all the easy answers, yadda yadda. fine. maybe it's still just my sour god damned attitude. maybe i let this happen. if i would just think more positively, if i wouldn't give in so much to this. to all this. but it's hard. that doesn't excuse me. but it's hard. i'm sorry. i guess it is always partly my hope in my long-standing tradition of whining in my journal that maybe it helps get this stuff out so it would be easier for something better to take its place, or just get it off my chest anyway. i think i just leave it empty too often. sig told that to me. in fact, i guess a lot of this sort of thinking i got from him, the idea that perhaps even if you aren't thinking negative thoughts, neutral space will always attract them unless something positive actively takes its place. like how water will always flow into an open container, unless it is already filled. or well the fundamental nature of entropy, really. or something like that. i always thought a lot about that. i think it's one thing that is true. i guess i just struggle to be positive, to find things to be positive about. or at least, to do so with anything that isn't quite easy to find myself satisfied with... you know, my fanciful entertainments and fungames and the like.
i think it goes back to how i once again have very little i actually do or want to do, purely for myself. personal goals, aspirations. i don't know what i'm doing in life or what i want, other than things i can accomplish in a day, or knowing i sure as hell don't like being alone, or whatever other uncomfortable thing. maybe some vague artistic ideal in there for good measure, "make something cool," yeah heard it a million times. nothing very concrete. that's the point. i really don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going or what i want. that's why it often goes to other people, because i know i care about them and i care about them deeply. this girl, every moment i spend with her makes me so happy. just looking at her, being near her. even with this confusion, and the pain it makes me feel. it's just good to be around her, and it hurts when i have to be away. in my heart i want to do everything i can for her, even if it isn't much, or it's not good enough, i don't know. but i wish it could be. i want to be someone she relies on, i want it to matter that i'm there and around. i want to be a positive presence in her life, you know? so the complications hurt. and maybe that all just sounds so retarded and embarrassing and pathetic again. i don't know. but the point is i guess, that's how people, the real good people, make me feel. even chara can be counted really, i mean absolutely in a sense. they make everything seem worth it, they motivate me, keep me going, help me to do things i would never in a million years do otherwise.
so i guess i just feel lost when i encounter the idea, what if that's all flimsy, what if it can all fall apart? people always say, you can only truly rely on yourself. or even, that relationships can't even work if you aren't fine on your own anyway, if you can't be okay with your own company, if you don't have your own life, your own desires, your own ambitions, totally separate from others. maybe that's why i'm in the situation i'm in. i worry about that a lot too. i don't know. but what can i do? i'm trying all these different things, doing everything i can. but i still have no idea. maybe it's still just a process. it sounds like a platitude, but i guess it's usually true. you just wake up one day and you know. or you know that you've known, a long time, and just couldn't realize until then. maybe it all comes to me. slowly, maybe. maybe. fucking maybe. maybe i already have some things and i'm just insecure. maybe this is going on too long, and i should stop now. probably. it's 10 PM. yeah. i should probably just stop. maybe i'll know what i want when i'm 30. or 40. or 60. yeah. that'd be nice.
who knows.