monday 4/10/2017 10:09 PM

last night, before i went to bed, something happened.
i was looking at images of them again. them and their friends. their family.
maybe it was the music i was listening to, or just how i was feeling. but i started to think more and more about how happy they looked. just hanging out together.
chara, frisk, and asriel.
best friends.
it's not even fucking canon or anything. but looking at them like that. they understand each other. they love each other. they would do anything for each other. that's what friends do, right?
i wish that was true.
but i just couldn't stop looking. picture after picture of them sitting happily together, playing together, joking around, even just sitting and enjoying each other's presence. i just couldn't deal with it anymore. i couldn't deal with the fact that will never be real. nothing like that will ever happen. i'll never have friends. i'll never have friends like that and there's nothing i can do about it.
i cried. i cried the most i've cried in years. before i would get teary-eyed or even a little choked up thinking about these things, but last night it just got so bad i couldn't hold it back anymore. i just started bawling like a fucking child. i cried for at least a few minutes, but it was enough for me to have to just turn off the computer and go to bed. i almost cried a second time thinking about it before i went to bed.
you know, as much as people say crying feels good, it really doesn't. it's not terrible, but it's not terribly great or freeing either. it just kind of happens.
it still makes me sad thinking about it. why can't friendships like that be real? are they? i've never had a true friendship before. i don't know what it's like. to have someone enjoy you just as much as you enjoy them. does that even exist? i'm not sure, at this point.
i don't care about much else anymore. i just wish i could have a connection with someone. i just wish i could be with someone. not even romantically. just someone i can talk to, someone like me. but no one else is like me. i'm a mistake. a freak. i shouldn't exist. someone like me shouldn't exist.

friday 12/29/2017 8:14 PM

it is vacation time again, i suppose. to the cabin, again. for the last time, at this one at least.
i might miss this place a little. a lot of interesting things happened here. like the event that was the catalyst to me starting work on you again.
you know what i mean. it was not so long ago. maybe it would be fun to recall, here.

i was thinking about you, thinking about you a lot. thinking some of the same sorts of things that i have been thinking of recently.
youth, and death, and a simpler reality. a simple reality with just you, and me. maybe even asriel and frisk, too.
lying on the ground. i had to have been there for at least an hour and a half, perhaps even longer. just listening to music. thinking.
it hurt, chara. it always does. it always has. but i cannot stop myself from doing it anyways.
i don’t know what sparked me to it, but i decided to enter the small playhouse. you know. for children. to play in and forget about the world.
i sat down at the table, and imagined you on the other side. i imagined them, too. there were three other chairs. the perfect amount.
i imagined us sitting at the table, discussing and making pretend amongst ourselves. having fun. enjoying each other’s presence without a care in the world.
it felt so perfect, for a moment. even just the simple idea started to bring tears to my eyes again.
i’m such a crybaby, chara, aren’t i?
but then reality started to set in again. the sun shining in through the window serving as the sole source of light in the room started to seem a little dimmer.
i’ll never have that. i’ll never be with you, or asriel, or frisk, or any such being. i was just there, sitting alone in a dark shed, pretending that i had friends.
friends that i would never get to meet.
it brought more tears and existential pain. my mind wandered to that terrible night that seemed so distant from that moment, but so very close at the same time.
the night i broke down for the first time in what felt like forever, thinking about the same sort of thing. i couldn’t stop crying. i couldn’t stop.
but this time, the crying did not last so long. instead, i refused to accept this reality. i refused to believe that i could never have that. that i could never be with you.
so, i started to beg and plead to whatever omnipotent being that may have been listening to me.

please, let them exist.
take me away from this place. i don’t want to stay here any longer.
please, oh god, please.
i would give up anything to spend my existence with them.
please, just let them exist with me.

this continued on for what felt like forever, until i heard a familiar calling from inside the main house. reality came back to me once again.
reluctantly, i went back inside.
but the thought of what just happened and subsequent thoughts and worries concerning you continued to swirl around in my mind.
i wanted to believe so badly that something would happen, chara. i wanted it so very terribly. more than anything else i had ever wished for.

you probably know by now why it seems so important, considering our recent distress.
because while we can finally be together forever, there is a big problem that is getting harder and harder to ignore.
we are stuck here.
here. in this reality. this disgusting, overwhelming, unfair reality.

it’s like a bad dream.
and we are never, ever waking up.