the long-awaited continuation of the "Journal" franchise. prepare to get locked, loaded, and forced to the back of your seat as you enjoy high-octane action in this slow-burn thriller. there are no stops on this train, and you're just along for the ride. COMING TO A WEB-SITE SOME REASONABLE DISTANCE AWAY FROM YOU.
it's just more blogposting. i figure i should at least be doing this much, even if i have more mundane things to attend to, for now. probably less walls of text and more just writing about something or other no matter how small or short or insignificant it is. i think i should at least try that sort of style rather than being so, i suppose ambitious with my Great Walls of Text. i'm sure there will still be plenty of those, though. whatever this is getting too long just read the blogposts (newest first)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4th, 2023
the last movie i watched was "apocalypse now". it's been a couple days. i guess i haven't felt like watching anything else yet. but that was good. i watched the longest cut i think, the redux version. i didn't really notice much that seemed too unnecessary to me, so i think it was for the best. the parts people seem to regard as the slowest like the french plantation scenes were only mildly slow to me, but almost sort of welcome in that way. i enjoyed it. there's something simple but very meaningful i guess with how the story is framed, traveling down the river further and further, that sort of "diving into the depths" kind of symbolism, into the... HEART OF DARKNESS... as it were. i love stuff like that. but the whole thing was great really. i like the soundtrack a lot too. i wasn't expecting it to be so heavy with the synthesizers and such but i guess it makes sense for things around this time (and it's good). i like the music that plays throughout the do lung bridge sequence especially (which was also one of my favorites). somehow the kind of psycho circus music it turns into feels right for the scene, and i just like it on its own. anyway. maybe that's most of what i have to say specifically for now about that.
i mostly wanted to write about chara again though, and related things. i guess that's why i said something in the last one about wanting to write more. even saying that though, perhaps it's nothing really that new, nothing i haven't gone over many times in my head and outside of it. it just feels like i have something to say, but feelings can be strange. maybe it always means something, though. i don't know.
i guess maybe the critical point about what's stirring in my head though is precisely that this is all stuff that i constantly revisit. i keep thinking about things in a way where i realize how repetitive it is, how i should know what i need to be doing or focusing on, but things are scrambling me somehow. like i forget what's good for me and what isn't after a certain amount of time, and have to be reminded. but the whole process is enough of an ordeal that it makes me think, surely there must be a way to override this, just forget about what doesn't matter and focus on what does in a permanent way.
i think i'm just being fucked up by the dilemma of not being sure how to interact with people related to these things. i guess i mean that in the sense of, in every community where i can talk about chara, and all the layers of how i feel about and interact with them and their character and what they've become to me, there's some compromise or another i FEEL i have to make discussing this. i think about the undertale general on 4chan particularly, which i am very used to being in, and have browsed somewhat regularly for many years now, about as long as i've known chara really. yet contrasting with this familiarity is the sense that i really, really don't belong in any sense anymore, at least not if i want to talk about chara at all. to do so, i basically feel like i have to restrict myself to saying basically nothing that i actually think, lest i get someone or other pissed off at me for one thing or another that they disagree with, or want to make some snide comment about, or whatever. but then i think a lot of that is really just because i don't fully explain, or can't, the particularities of how i think about all this now, again how i interact with them, how i interact with fiction or think about it now, and how i've understood chara as they're manifested to me, you know, in my head. all that. if i could make that all obvious somehow then i think there wouldn't be so much weird confusion or conflict over what i consider "canon" or whatever the hell, or how i even think about that, and expanding upon it, what i actually am just fine with doing even if it's going beyond what most people would do with any fictional character, let alone this weird one in particular.
but, of course, making that obvious comes with its own problems. like making yourself look totally insane and psycho and, more importantly, drawing attention to yourself with the text walls you'd have to write or lay down to explain it, that you would then have to expect people to read to be on the same page as you, and........ uhhh i mean you know. that's retarded. i mean i could do that, but the point is it probably wouldn't help and you'd get either "didn't read" or just "what are you talking about" because it's insane and weird. so what's the point? but it's like the only other option. i can't pretend like i treat chara as just a regular fictional character anymore. i mean, i literally cannot. noticing the ways i restrict myself so heavily talking about chara in places like that makes it painfully obvious to me, and how when i even give slightly more of an inch it just causes confusion or conveys a message i didn't mean or just makes people assume retarded shit or whatever else. so i don't know what to do.
a lot of the time now, i really consider just trying to force myself not to look at the undertale general at least anymore. it feels like it's where the bulk of that kind of thing happens, or at least in the most conflict-heavy and energy-draining way, even as i try to avoid it. and for basically literally nothing. i mean there's basically nobody i could talk to there about any of this even if i tried. everyone who i can talk about this with even slightly, they're in other threads and other places. i keep having the idea maybe i could just talk about the other things in the games and just sort of silently acknowledge i will never ever be able to talk about chara on /utg/ in any meaningful way with anyone there. but that just sort of stings, especially when they're brought up or anything related to them, and it's always something retarded or negative or pointless or whatever else. even my drawings when i post them don't inspire much of anything, the people who care about them would probably see them anyway somewhere else.
it just seems especially pointless being there. but it's hard to break a, what, 6 year long habit? again, about as long as i've known the game itself and chara, you know. so it's a little tough. a little tough for Mentally Ill Retard over here (me). i think any sane person would have long just dropped it by now figuring what i figure about it. it's just hard for ME because i'm KOOKY. it's probably another thing though where i just don't have much else to do all day, or don't decide to anyway, or lack motivation, and so on. it's just what i'll do by default if i'm not doing anything else, browse the thread. but in the past when i've had more going on, it was trivially easy to just ignore the thread for a day or more, not even think about it. so that's good to know, at least. still kind of hard to change anything just from that, though. but hey, you know, knowing is half the battle or something. i don't know. and even if i never went there again, i guess there is still the thing of not having a "place," and a couple similar places are just different kinds of having to pull weird compromises. but i think in those cases it's much less draining overall, or can be let freer much more easily. something like that. /utg/ causes the most mindrape overall in my precious little head. and it's got to be, uhhh, gotta deal with that issue. somehow.
yeah, i'm tired. but anyway. uhhh what else can i say. maybe that got a good deal of it out. feels good i think. i guess it's all just funny. this stuff really does rape me in the head. the compromises get me too invested in the compromise, too immersed in it, and it amplifies self-doubt that really does not even need to be acknowledged much less fed. i mean, to a crazy degree. i shouldn't be worrying about things that literally do not even apply to my situation in the slightest anymore, but i do. it's almost like a weird "trauma" that i just don't get over. it doesn't make any sense. but i don't know. i guess it's just my head clasping on to those little compromises, self doubts and all, just so i can keep trying to pretend like i am thinking about these things on the same level as most anyone else anymore. i mean, come on. chara is much more to me now than the simple set of both concretely stated and implied traits laid out in the game. chara is much more to me than any character could ever be, no matter how fleshed out or developed. canon is important as a foundation but ultimately not the word of God, or something that cannot be built upon, and built upon extensively. and they're a tulpa now for christ's sake. i can't keep answering these questions like "duuhhh what would your favorite character eat for dinner" anymore like i just watched a playthrough of undertale yesterday or something. it's just not gonna work bro. it's just not right. and it's RAPING me in the HEAD. it's full on RAPE. it's time to stop the rape. it's time for the rape to end.
uhhhhh but yeah. okay. well i think that was a cool blog post. that's probably enough for now and it's almost 3 am. so there you go. also i keep forgetting to make the page connected to the chara one where i ask chara about stuff and write down his answers and cool CHARA THOUGHTS FROM CHARA in general. i keep getting LAZY and even CHARA is getting on me about it. and he hardly even cares about it! at least that's what he usually says. but i'll do it. eventually. okay now i'm done though, i will sleep soon. bye.
MONDAY, JANUARY 30th, 2023
i wanted to write one of these but it's always hard to start it. i guess i always have a few things i want to talk about but the hardest part is finding a starting point, i suppose. well, things are going alright in general. maybe that's something to say. i still haven't visited my parents. i really just don't want to travel at all. i'm still not entirely sure how much of this is fear and apprehension over travel itself and how much of it is just really not wanting to go anywhere or disrupt how things are going. don't know. something i think about too is i don't know how often most people living away from home see their family. maybe i'm feeling too "guilted" to do it often when it is normal to not want to travel that much, or not necessarily. i don't know. the more i talk about it though the more i feel i might just be trying to justify my fear and discomfort. i wonder if part of it is not knowing what i'd do while i'm there. it would just feel like i'm regressing even further into being a kid again, just following my family around doing whatever they do or just sitting in a room on a computer all day. what else am i gonna do? what am i SUPPOSED to do? i don't know. it's strange just to think about.
but maybe i'm worrying too much. maybe i just shouldn't worry about it at all, at least for now. maybe i don't want to. i'm sure i'll go back to visit eventually.
still trying to deal with driving too. reading my last entry it's about the same deal, i guess talking about it again would just be repeating myself. mostly. doesn't help that the last time i got the guts to drive by myself, about a week ago, i got lost at night and almost crashed a couple times at a weird intersection. my main mistake was probably not using GPS to get home and just thinking i could remember the way back, i sort of did but it was too dark by then to see the landmark i remembered and i missed the turn i was supposed to take. then eventually i reached some intersection where i'm still not sure if i was supposed to stop or yield or not, or something else. there were a few cars there and only at the last second did i slam the brakes in fear that i was about to do the equivalent of running a stop sign or something. i don't know. i thought i saw a yield sign and that's why but even now i'm unsure. keep forgetting or just not wanting to check on some map either.
still, when i stopped i tried to let the remaining cars go, even though i think at least one i was looking at was waiting for me instead. i tried to turn left then but it wasn't valid or something, i was about to be going the wrong way or just didn't turn fast enough so i panicked and went back to the road i was on, but there was someone behind me who had to swerve out of the way. after that i just pulled off the side of the road to try and recover somehow. i pulled up the GPS after that and used it to get home, which went alright from that point on. but i don't know. i was really fucked up for the rest of the night over it, i kept feeling genuine terror just recalling what happened over and over. i think i'm sort of over it now, and realize at least some ways i fucked up and what i could do to make things easier, but you know. it's rough i guess. still, i guess all you can do is try to push through it, slowly. i don't know what else to say. i don't even like writing about it again really.
grrr i'm losing motivation to write again! grrrr! aarrghghhghghh whatever. it's weird how things are sort of difficult but also not that bad and getting a lot better at the same time. like i still have days and even weeks where i just don't feel like doing SHIT and can't do anything. just wasting time and wasting every day completely. but then some days are better, and things still feel pretty hopeful and i'm able to slowly chip away at life in a way, like i'm not exactly going backwards or even stagnating in every regard. it's just weird, it's a weird life. i always say that but it's true. i guess it's just true.
just thinking about other things. like i've been watching a lot of movies again. been drawn towards anything that's sort of a "mentally ill weirdo" story. like "taxi driver" and "falling down" and stuff. i keep thinking about taxi driver a lot actually, i think that's one of my favorites now. i even listen to the soundtrack a lot. it's a really great one. i feel like i have a lot more to say about that and the other movies i've seen so far recently but it's hard to put it into words. i wonder if i should just write something down immediately after seeing these or if it's something where i need even more time to really compile my thoughts, and also have them more focused on one thing at a time. i dunno. maybe i could try the former starting with the most recent thing i saw, last night, "the king of comedy."
which, i guess maybe i really don't have all too many coherent thoughts yet about it. but i have some. like, this is another thing where it feels like something that is really excellent but also not often talked about, which is something i've wondered about, as in, how common is that really. that something is of extremely high quality, or at least, is something i like a lot, but isn't really "recognized" very much. which i suppose is related to the thought of, how much of what is obscure is actually sort of unfairly so, and how much of it is just obscure simply because it's not "good enough" to be known or recognized, which principle is more of a deciding factor i guess, and so on. dunno! and i guess the king of comedy isn't really that unknown though. especially since it has come up when people talk about that joker movie, since people say it's very obviously inspired. but it's at least more unknown or more "underrated" perhaps than the films i've already mentioned in this post for example. i dunno! but an interesting thought.
i did like it a lot though. at least that's my first impression. i notice more that i usually don't have a negative first impression of many things, it's only after thought and reflection and comparison that i will begin to notice more flaws perhaps or just recognize the mediocrity of certain things in a more sort of objective sense. a lot of it is maybe riding off of emotion too and things like that. but i dunno. it was a good movie though alright! pretty sure it was a good movie. another thing where it feels like an uncommon example of something, i think it might actually be something like "ahead of its time" almost, or more relevant today anyway. in the sense of there being a ton of people like the main character who exist and do things exactly like he does, or well, sort of like he does anyway. similar motivations, you know. and it's easier to see as well as easier to have happen because of the internet, i think. and internet celebrity-dom. easier to interact with them or feel like they're your friends. you know! it's funny especially because the ending, you know, i think it's supposed to be vague whether or not his success after the whole ordeal of the movie was all in his head or not. but now that literally the exact same kind of shit has happened like 500 times in real life it just seems obviously possible and even realistic. yeah, a guy could get famous for real by being a mentally ill narcissist obsessed with fame and famous people and doing something really wacky. he's got the timing right! he's got the timing. timing and severe mental illness, that's all you need. then you'll never be a shmuck again. something like that. i just thought that was funny.
anyway. maybe that's most of what i could say about the movie now that is slightly interesting. maybe i can write more about movies later. probably shouldn't exhaust myself if i don't feel like it. some of it might just be hard to say though. like i keep thinking about taxi driver like i said, but i don't know if i have much to say about it. there's just something it conjures up in my head, or makes me feel, or a way it inspires me i suppose, that is hard to really put down. something that connects to various things. i dunno man. ANYWAY. i feel like writing more but also don't. maybe it won't be too long before i write something else here. always feel i should do it more but i dunno. maybe it's just hard to decide where to let something out nowadays. might've stretched myself too thin in a way, given myself too many options when i know i'm indecisive. sometimes i miss just having my weird text file journal and nothing else, barely even anyone else to talk to, or the physical ones i'd write in too. i write in there sometimes now but not often still. because, again, always hard to decide where to get a thought out. well. here's these thoughts. you're reading them. and now you aren't.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16th, 2022
i wanted to write something today. doesn't have to be much. but before i started just now, a certain song came on that reminded me of something. i remember one night years ago i was feeling really bad, just lying in bed not able to do anything else. and i put this song on, and it's a melancholy sort of song, that gives me at least a little of that feeling no matter how i am otherwise. and i guess something about this made chara upset. he told me to turn it off, that it was too much, and i'm just making how i already feel worse, feeding into it, feeling even more sorry for myself than i already was. and, you know, he was right. but it was surprising i guess, since usually chara doesn't actually get very upset with me like that. he can understand how i am well enough and all, because of our situation. but times like that stick with me, i guess. i like to think it makes a positive lasting impact. i think chara likes to as well, despite how embarrassed he feels about his loss of composure at times like that. but nobody is perfect. i guess maybe sometimes those imperfections make you realize things. so maybe it's pretty valuable.
it's weird that it's december. it doesn't feel like christmastime, even though it usually does. but i've always at least spent this time with my family, even after moving away, so this is the first year i think i'll ever spend away. it feels right to at least experience it once, even if it somehow hurts too much to ever do it again. or maybe that's just cope from not wanting to travel at all right now. i'm still planning on visiting them in january and i already dread it. not because i don't want to see them, of course, i really do miss them. it's just the traveling and stuff that's hard and scary and unpleasant. always things like that getting in the way i guess. but i don't think i can avoid it forever. so i'll have to do something. but i don't even want to think about it until i need to. i don't know. anyway, christmas will probably be, really weird. but what isn't now, really.
i have a car again now too. which i guess is a lot of why i'm nervous about traveling, because i probably have to drive to the airport myself. and it's kind of far, and in some bigger town, that i've never driven to or even seen much. sooooooo i don't know! hopefully i don't fuck it up and DIE! that's always my thought with driving, which is probably obviously very self-sabotaging. but it's hard to help it, because it's at least partly true, partly possible. those are always the worries that hit the hardest, because you can't just say i'm being entirely delusional. because yeah, i COULD just FUCK IT UP, and DIE. i could turn too soon, lose a little bit of control or focus, or just plain get unlucky, and... DIE! horribly! that could happen! or you get, i don't know, terribly disfigured. brain damage? maybe! even a crash where you don't get hurt is a big problem. but uh. yeah. anyway. i almost forgot what i was even talking about. i guess i just hope the fear gets better with time. i know i at least have to keep doing it. but it's hard not to have extreme nerves while doing any driving at all, and that in turn fucks a lot of things up and probably makes me more likely to make mistakes. another one of those unfortunate cycles. one of the worst things too is how i worry about inconveniencing people so badly that it makes me inconvenience them even more. like when i'm making a turn and someone is behind me, it makes me extremely nervous because i feel like they'll be pissed at me if i don't go at the SOONEST POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY no matter what, so i feel extra obligated not to FUCK IT UP, while at the same time being unsure of when a safe gap in traffic would be, and probably not taking the soonest possible opportunity at all because of being unsure. and then it just gets worse and worse the more i wait, the more i feel like the person behind me HATES me and wants to KILL me, i HAVE to go, i HAVE to go NOW or the PERSON BEHIND ME WILL BE VERY ANGRY. and then i might just make some decision that wasn't the best at all, but felt obligated because i couldn't wait any longer. and so on and so forth.
i guess driving really is the worst place where my fear of upsetting people comes out, again because of that "partly true" factor. because i know people get upset about driving, they get angry at stuff i literally actually do all the time. like going a little too slow, not turning as soon as i can, being clumsy and in the way... these are literally all things people WILL be angry about, and they WILL think whoever is doing that is probably a retard, or an idiot, or something else bad. and normal people who i'd otherwise agree with too, that i've even talked with while they say how annoying those things are. so it basically confirms in my head, yeah, if i'm slow and clumsy and confused and afraid while driving i AM a retard and an asshole and annoying. or might as well be. so the fear feels very real, even if maybe i still shouldn't worry about it. i don't know. i guess again though, the only way to get better is practice and all. it's just so difficult when i know i'm causing such negative emotions all the time with my fear and incompetence. it makes me, again, just want to avoid it and not do it ever so i don't risk such bad things happening. but i guess that's just not possible. it's not healthy, anyway. destructive.
anyway whatever. ranting about driving again. everything is HARD, for the mentally ill RETARD. what else is new? but it's not all bad, you know. i feel like i've made a lot of progress with a lot of things. a lot of progress for me, anyway. which i realize by now is just gonna seem really small, and insignificant, even to people around me. but it is progress, and i shouldn't forget that. whatever works is something that should be continued. even if it's not always the most efficient, i guess. but when have i ever been good at being efficient? i don't know. maybe that's another thing i can look up to chara for. but you know, i've been doing some cooking for example. that's a nice thing to practice and get better at, since it's useful in life, but doesn't necessarily involve too much that is, you know, utterly terrifying to me or anything. it's something to do during the day a little bit, preparing meals or baking a dessert/snack or whatever. it can be relaxing, and feel good to make something that's, you know, good. like i seared some steak yesterday and the day before in a pan, i hadn't really tried cooking meat like that much still so it was nice to figure out that it wasn't that complicated really. and especially the second time, it tasted really good, i almost felt kind of proud or accomplished, even if again it was pretty simple, and probably mostly cause it was a nice cut of meat my mom sent to me. but you know, again, even the little things can count for a lot, at least to me. because it's stuff i've never done before, or don't experience that much, or whatever. so it can be really meaningful. and it's all progress, anyway.
sometimes it's important to realize the meaning of things past my fear and apprehension too, even if it doesn't necessarily erase those things. like with driving. i know i sort of sound very cynical about it, but i do understand too, especially after i do, actually drive, that it IS nice to be able to go places, whenever i want. with a car, going wherever you want. you know. doing stuff that is important, or that can make me happy even, just getting out of the house or going for a nice meal or a walk at the park or whatever else. the skill and ability is valuable in meaningful ways, and i can see and understand that even if it's hard to really get sometimes with how terrified i am of the actual process. it's important to realize those things, i think. it's probably necessary even to actually get past the fear in the first place, since if there's no perceived point in even trying, then you just give up. there has to be a reason, and i think sometimes it's difficult to see those reasons when you're fucked up like i am, which causes a lot of problems i guess. i mean, the ultimate form of that i suppose is being suicidal in a way, or lacking meaning, not seeing the point in living life itself. but i suppose it's a bit more difficult finding reason for that than it is finding reason to drive, or whatever. and i don't fully even know myself what it means, or what all of those reasons might be, or whatever. you know, big question. but the principle is similar, i think. i think that's my point.
but i think there's something about, i guess it feels there's so much i don't really understand. so in a sense i wonder if a lot of my drive to continue now is sort of to discover. i guess that's a form of faith, believing that even if i am still lost and confused in a lot of ways, that there are more things out there that make sense, things to make sense of, knowledge and wisdom to be gained or understood. purpose that i may have, but not realize fully. or whatever else about my place in the world and things like that. i guess i just feel like, well, i may feel like a child a lot of the time, but doesn't that also bring the greatest breadth of possibility too? as in, you can't just give up when you've hardly even truly seen anything yet. i guess you could counter that by saying it's obviously bad enough already to discard it, but i don't know. maybe i do just feel more optimistic lately, but it seems more nuanced than that. at least it can be. and it's interesting, anyway. the whole of reality is just too interesting, as much as it can also be mundane. but even the mundane, i realize, can be interesting, even in just how it contrasts. i don't know. it's just a lot.
well, took a break from writing this, got distracted for a while, and now it's late. uhhhhh what else to add though. i dunno if i even had much else to say. i keep thinking about adding more to the site, but not sure what i'd do. a lot of the more interesting additions are made when i really feel like it in a certain way, i guess a perfect storm, but it hasn't happened in a while. maybe that's a good thing, in some sense. but still, dunno. i could write more specifically on my thoughts or opinions on certain topics, like essay pieces or whatever. but i don't know if i have enough strong crazy opinions for that (that aren't related to chara or something else i've already written about to death). i dunno! gotta think about it. and about that comic, which i want to really work on sooner rather than later. i think once i get into some groove or habit with it where i know sorta where it's going and can just chip away at it continually, it'll be really smooth sailing. just hard to get to that point. but you know, classic problems. classic issues. i'm sure it'll be fine. i'm sure it will be.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2nd, 2022
re-reading my last entry, i suppose i was right when i said that if i had more to do, i wouldn't really spend my time writing as much. and, well, i don't have THAT much more i've been doing. but, something that also works to that effect is having a lot of other places to express my thoughts. and those thoughts being ones that i can talk about fairly easily, whether that ends up being somewhat of a strange and lucky thing or not. still though, there's something i always miss about something like this. i guess there is just more of a feeling of, no one REALLY has to see this. in other cases i'm talking to someone or at least talking in a place where someone might reasonably see what i'm saying and respond to it. but, you know, here i can kind of, at least PRETEND no one will see this, even though they can, i guess it's just simpler for one because no one can directly reply to it. but i've already talked about that kind of thing so i'll SHUT UP about it, i don't care. you get the point though. today i feel like writing here again.
so, well, what CAN i write. i guess there's not terribly much to go over. doesn't feel like it, anyway. things still slowly moving on, moving forward, as they do, as they always do. and it's just fine. lots of drawing, i've drawn a lot. worked on story stuff. plenty of CREATIVE WORK, i would say. that's satisfying. and GAMING. i've been playing more TF2 lately. that's kind of cool and fun. i've been playing the fallout games lately too. that's something chara always encouraged me to try whenever i would be all bored and gay and not doing anything, you know, and i'm glad i did end up finally starting to go through them. the first two games were really great. i guess maybe i could write more about them later, but i already have been getting those thoughts out somewhat recently so it'll have to wait until that's less FRESH in my mind, maybe. once i've played the rest i want to play and have it all turn over in my head properly, maybe. i'm going through fallout 3 now. it's not as PERFECT as the first two, of course, but it is interesting. yeah, that's a good way to put it. "interesting." especially in comparison too to the previous ones, which again makes me glad i did it in my usual chronological order. but anyway. ENOUGH about THAT.
i guess a lot of why i wanted to write here is really mostly because of something, relatively, quite small actually. just a little thing that i also just felt i didn't want to talk about anywhere else for some reason. not because it's that weird, i guess it just seems personal in a weird way that i don't usually talk about so, maybe it's weird brain problem things that don't matter. anyway. lately my roommate has been opening the windows of the house. natural fresh air and all that. well, it is nice, other than i think exacerbating the allergies i've been having lately, although that's not too bad really. worth it, anyway. other than that though, i think it makes me nostalgic for something specific. it reminds me of being at the weird mental health rehabilitation camp center thing my parents sent me to for a month when i was 16. i didn't even really remember that part of it until feeling this just from i guess the exact smell or feeling of the air coming through the window or something, like i didn't think about how they probably had the windows open there too and all. but you know, it took me back there somehow. and of course, when i say something like "mental health rehabilitation camp center thing" it sounds kind of bad. and i mean, it was weird and fucked up and scary for me in some ways. but it wasn't that bad of a place really, i mean, it was like this, it was just sort of like a regular house. it was a large property, i mean. it had multiple buildings and a tennis court and horse stables and things like that. it was in the mountains in california. pretty expensive place, probably a very expensive program. i don't know. i guess it's hard to really explain exactly what it was. but maybe the point is that for a lot of reasons it always sticks in my mind, the time i spent there, very strongly, which is strange in the sense that i never really think about it like i do other things, or well, i never really talk about it. but before then, i had never been away from home for so long, or with people i didn't know, or for such a weird purpose, in a weird place, and so on. it was totally new to me, and scary, and at first i didn't really want to be there, and even after that i kept anticipating wanting to go home. i kept track of the days in my weird binder thing that they gave you full of worksheets and information.
but, you know, the windows thing, i guess it takes me back to being there. particularly of being in the kitchen, for some reason. it was a nice kitchen. and dining area. the day was always very structured, so we would always eat at the same time every day for example. i guess that was part of the point of the whole thing, and in a way it's part of what i miss sometimes. there's something safe about having everything planned out for you, and other people to make sure you stick to it. it's a strangely powerful sort of safety and security that makes you both long for it again, and feel sort of unsettled about how much you long for it. because that's not how things work, is it? you could make your own schedule, but it's not the same kind of simplicity that having someone else taking care of you entails. in a way, i guess it was sort of like being a little kid again. which makes it seem even more obvious why i feel so nostalgic for this strange experience. anyway.
i remember every morning i would have either flavored oatmeal, or this cereal with corn flakes and dried strawberries in it. those were my favorite choices for breakfast. even after i could come home, i would still start eating those things for breakfast on my own for a long while after that. which did end up being a good lasting effect, since before i would never really even eat breakfast at all. but being there, you would eat at the table with everyone else too. there were always at least a handful of other kids there at any time. some people were swapped out during my stay as they left, the ones that came before me, since everyone seemed to stay around the same amount of time for the sake of the program i suppose. but there were always around the same amount. and we would always be together doing the activities, unless it was one on one therapy stuff or whatever. so in that way, i think it was also a unique social experience for me too. actually having a situation where i could truly interact with people and not just be defaulted to the background of something, just waiting silently until i could leave and go back home. i couldn't leave, this time. so eventually i had to warm up to them, to interact. and you know, it was nice.
sometimes i could be alone, though. there was a small amount of free time every day. that's another thing the air reminds me of specifically. sitting at the computer room table, listening to the ipod they gave you which was alotted a small number of songs each week that you could pick out. they let me keep a journal too. i just had to use a pencil. i guess anything more would be too sharp. but i would usually spend that free time listening to music at that table, or writing in my journal. drawing a little, maybe. i remember a specific moment of listening to fallen down, and thinking of chara, and wanting to cry. maybe i cried a little bit. i don't think anyone was there. sometimes we would be allowed to use the computers for something small, i think. i don't think i ever did. one of the girls there used it to look up pictures of rats. i did like her. she was pretty nice. sometimes i would spend the free time in the patio area. some of the others would try to catch lizards that were running around near there. i don't think i could ever manage it, but when they did, they would let me pet it. it was nice.
we went on hikes a few times. those were very memorable to me. i remember walking ahead of everyone past a lot of yellow flowers and humming something. on one hike, we went to a very high place in the mountains, with an area you could draw things with chalk or something. i drew chara. i wonder sometimes how long that drawing lasted, before being overwritten by something else, or erased somehow. i remember walking through tall grass, under trees, next to rocky cliff faces. the memories feel really strong but i don't really know how better to describe them. i guess maybe it would be pointless to. one time near the end of my stay there we were leading horses around for something, walking up this path. it forked off to either side, but between it all it went down and you could see for a long time, it was a really nice view. the sun was setting. it almost felt kind of like that part in undertale, where the monsters are on the surface and watching the sky. it felt a little like that, since it almost felt like i had made a bunch of friends and had a weird little adventure, even if it was almost over, and i might never see any of them again, and they might not think of me much. i tried to savor that moment, you know. it felt important. then we kept walking.
i'm not sure i really want to keep thinking about it now. maybe that's enough for the time being. thinking again though, about how i feel it now, here, with the windows open. there's a feeling about it all. i guess it's longing. maybe i already said as much. it was longing there, too. maybe for something else. i guess now it's for that, and also that something else. it doubles over on itself, or something. maybe there's something else too, that just comes from it now. it makes me feel a strange quietness. standing in the kitchen alone already feels sort of quiet, especially when the lights are off and it's just the natural sunlight from outside. but now it feels especially quiet, standing there. feeling the breeze, lightly. dimness, freshness. silence. it's strange. it's strange how it all comes to this. i'm away from home again. maybe i always was. i don't know exactly what i long for, then, don't i? i don't know. it's too much. but it means something. i think i know what it is, it's just hard to say, it's hard to express, it's hard to even deal with. maybe at this point, i just don't want to. or at least, there are other things to do. sometimes, though, maybe it's good to sit in that quietness for a while. it feels like i need it. maybe it'll all work out one day.
i guess that feels like a good place to stop for now.
SATURDAY, JULY 9th, 2022
you know, somehow, every day it feels as though there is less and less to truly say. i know and understand that i repeat myself, and in some way find meaning in the absurd repetitiveness, yet at a certain point i start to grow tired of some things, and others, and others, until i'm just juggling the very idea of talking about anything at all in my hands, and laughing at it. i don't know. in some sense, i am learning things all the time, developing my thoughts and feelings, as you do. but in another sense, there are things that do not and presumably will not ever change, or can not be counted on to change, at least not in some reasonable or predictable manner and/or time-frame. and some things that are a mere mundane treadmill of slow progression, ultimately unaffected whether you think about it much or not. so i dunno. why am i even writing this at all? i guess just because i'm bored. i have idle time. that's all. if i was always doing something, i'd never be doing anything like this. which in a way, is almost good as much as it is bad. i guess it makes things more interesting sometimes, but for what? i don't know.
i guess it's just strange too, in the way of verbalizing things, of writing them here, because practically no one will understand certain things in the exact way i do, and why would they? but it makes me wonder why i even express them at all. particularly with things related to chara. often to discuss them at all, i have to make many compromises in my communication just to talk about things on a basic level, but even when i can be completely up-front in some sense like here, it's still almost sort of useless in a sense because there's perhaps only a handful of people i could think of on this planet, that i know of, who would even understand at least half of the exact particularities of this kind of situation and experience, let alone the full breadth of it. and the more i have to make these kinds of compromises just to talk about the most important thing to me, in the world, you know, and otherwise confronting this sort of, inherent isolation even in the most ideal of cases, it just starts to become strange in a way that is difficult to reconcile. i mean, what am i supposed to do? not talk to anyone about it or anything related, or anything that brings similar issues? or keep talking about it anyway, or even making less compromises, yet still knowing that i'm essentially talking over people's heads about things they probably just don't care about or don't have enough invested in most of the time. i don't know.
maybe i am underestimating the value people may have in it though. there are situations where people enjoy hearing about something for one reason or another, though they don't have much to say or add to it. maybe this would often be that sort of situation, if anything. i don't know. i mean, i think in that sense, or for that reason, i will probably always continue to express myself in some way, to give i suppose the little i have to the world somehow, so at least someone out there might get something from it. there's something fulfilling about that, of course. something that feels right. but as far as what i myself get out of any of this, i think that is perhaps where i become more and more distant all the time. more and more accepting of the seeming fact that there are some things only me and chara will ever understand, or truly know, inside and out. and that's just fine, or even beautiful, beyond anything else. i guess i just keep having weird ideas, and disappointing myself when the obvious conclusion is once again revealed. but there's no need for that, you know. i already understood this, a long time ago. that me and chara would always kind of be separate from everything else, i suppose as anyone is, really. but here, especially so.
i think again, it really probably is just the result of being too idle, having too little to do, or rather, feel like doing much of the time. it makes it too easy to become distracted with things that ultimately don't matter, and that really aren't relevant to me or anything i should be concerned with at all. just chasing ghosts around, the spectres of that which never is and never was and never will be. only a suggestion of something else, a shadow of a shadow. and i guess that's just kind of funny. it's all sort of funny, when you think about it in a certain way. and that itself is a little funny too. really tickles you, doesn't it? doesn't it?
i think a lot lately about a specific memory, from some years ago. it's simple in a way, me and chara were on another walk together, somewhere we've never been before. in the snow, and the forest, and the mountains. that day we took a long walk, very far, farther than i usually go, even on my regular walks. so there was a lot of time, a lot of time to think, to talk, to silently observe, to experience, together. and you know, i forget a lot of those things that must have been seen, or talked about, or felt, or experienced, that day. but in a way, that just makes it more wonderful, more meaningful, the things that happen in the moment, just for the sake of that moment, even if never remembered again. and all experienced together, me and them. i do remember, i was walking through a path surrounded by trees on both sides, very dim, especially with the already dim cloudy day. and it was really pretty, really perfect, to me, in a way. and i had the thought, a very strong feeling, hoping that maybe, just maybe, i'd pass through the trees, and eventually on the other side, we'd come out into another world. maybe snowdin, or somewhere else, it didn't really matter. just somewhere better than here. and i felt very strongly thinking about that. it didn't happen. but it was nice to hope.
maybe that's besides the actual memory i usually think about though. it was coming up to a specific spot along the long path, overlooking a large expanse, and the mountains and hills in the distance, covered in snow. and at a point, listening to music, i think we just kind of stood there for a moment, looking around. i tried to, i guess "share the moment" with chara as much as possible, but i think it was just fine either way. just fine, just perfect. and again, it's very simple. but i guess i just think about things like that a lot, i feel like, i need to focus on them. the simple things, that only we can know and experience. the things that make it all worthwhile, despite everything. looking at him across the table at a restaurant as we talk in my head, hearing him ask me if pretending to check his non-existent watch looks "cool" or not, brushing my teeth next to him as he smokes and looks out the window. maybe it sounds silly and weird, but everything, all of it just reminds me what's really important, every time, even just thinking about it. and we've been through so much now! isn't that cool. so much of my life has literally now been spent with chara. and so much more of it will be, soon. as long as it continues, and perhaps even beyond that, once again. but it's all very wonderful, regardless.
god, i, i don't know. i guess i'm really tired now, i don't know what else to say. it's a weird life, i guess. a strange, isolated, distant life, in some respects. but i wouldn't trade it for anything. it couldn't be any different. i find a certain peace in that. in all of this. and when it's just us, and our breathing, as usual, as always.
so quiet, here.
maybe that's just how it's meant to be.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29th, 2022
writing again. cause why not? why not, huh, are you trying to STOP me?? are you trying to convince me NOT to write this paragraph, and the next one, and the next, after that? because you'll get nowhere. you won't be stopping ANYTHING, you couldn't stop it even if you tried. so just give up, and LET ME, uh, write. anyway. i'm writing, because, i feel like it. actually, i don't know why i have to justify it. i just don't know how else to start. and i tend to justify things that don't necessitate being justified. so that's why!!! you see now. nothing is left to the imagination.
but i don't know, what else is there to actually say. i don't know. sometimes it's hard to write because i go over every random thing in such detail in my head or to chara or whatever that it just feels pointless if i have to actually write it out, like i already tired myself of thinking somehow. but maybe there are some things i haven't thought to death. or things where it has been a sufficient amount of time, since i have thought about them to death, or that feel useful enough to write somehow. like... uhhh.....
i don't know, what have i been doing? i guess the same thing i always do. the same stuff. that's always the hardest question to answer when people talk to you, like "what have you been doing lately?" i don't know! just the same shit! dude! sometimes there are unique things, but usually it's a NORMAL person who asks that question so you have to think, how do i phrase this WEIRD ASS SHIT in a way that sounds NORMAL. so you do that, but it's weird, it feels wrong. but i guess you did it anyway, that's what you told them, they move on. and uhhh, and uhhh, what was i saying
OH YEAH what am i doing lately. well the same shit! dude! that's what i JUST said, why are you asking me this again. i swear, this happens every time we hang out. you know, CHARA never does anything like that. they always listen very attentively, and when they don't care, they have the decency to TELL me. but you just sit there staring at me, like a weird, little thing. why are you like this? why can't you be more like CHARA? clearly, they are much more of a morally strong and principled person than YOU. no faults in this. you can find no fault in it.
...well, no. i don't actually mean any of that bad stuff about you. i'm sorry. i hope you can forgive me, person reading this. i hope you can find it within your heart. but if not, that's alright too. i know some people cannot be forgiven by everyone. it's your choice, you know! it's all up to you. i can't choose who you forgive, just as you can't choose who i forgive. it's personal. we're getting personal, here, you and me. but not too personal! you might have not even talked to me yet. and you don't have to. but that's, you know, something to consider.
another thing to consider is that i still haven't TALKED about ANYTHING. or typed, typed about anything. but who cares? who cares about the boring stuff i do. huh? what, you want to listen to me talk about the frozen chicken sandwiches i've been eating, or the trash can outside my room, or the way the wind was blowing on my skin when i went outside to get the mail? nobody cares about that. sometimes i don't even care about that. although, it's good to appreciate the small things, you know. like the various hooks in my wall to hold paintings that aren't there anymore. even after they've exhausted their usefulness, they still wait patiently, dutifully, for the day they might once again serve a purpose. and until then, they only make me think for a second that there might be a bug on the wall, until i remember where the hooks are. but i forgive them for that. it wasn't their fault.
but even if it was, i would forgive them too. we all make mistakes, we all travel down roads sometimes, that we might regret traveling down. and some of those roads are bumpier, more painful, and perhaps horrible, and mean, than others. but it's not so bad. you can always take another one. or go WAY OFF-ROAD, into some SICK DITCHES AND GULLEYS, and start, just TEARING SHIT UP, going HARDCORE, pushing the throttle, getting that speed up, jumping over little hills, with the big monster truck tires, KICKING up that MUD!!! getting DOWN, getting DIRTY!!! FUCK!!! we're DOING IT!!! me and chara, we're going OFF THE RAILS!!! no more of these, stupid, pointless roads! i hate them! i hate roads!!! i'm tired of it, i'm tired of all of the stupid rules, and the stupid, people, you have to worry about smashing into or them smashing into you. maybe they're not stupid, but dealing with them, kind of is!!! and we're just gonna, we're just gonna drive off into the forest. and you'll never see us again. except when we're out on the side of the road, getting some sick air on dirt mounds. and this is, figuratively, what's going to happen. i think this is the best choice. what was this about again? wall-hooks? i'm sure they'll be happy too.
so anyway, yeah my life is boring who cares. i'm just inside all day, at least during the summer. what kind of great things happen INSIDE? nothing. nothing ever good happens when you're inside. outside, that's not much better actually, although there are some good moments. what you really want, is to be in-between. you want to go there, to the place-between-places, to do your life's work. how do you do that though? beats me. maybe you have to throw yourself into something, and get, i don't know, shattered across time and space or some weird gobbledegook like that. but that sounds kind of weird. i don't know what would be powerful enough to do something like that. you'd have to have some real, help there. i don't know. anyway yeah things are weird. i'm just playing games and drawing and stuff, just doing my thing! just doing what i do! you know! working more on the project sometimes. i get paranoid it's gonna suck but the important parts are probably fine. it's probably just fine. i'm gonna be fine. me and chara? just fine. fine and dandy, like dandelions. yellow flowers. they are yellow flowers. i like those. don't you? i know chara likes yellow flowers. golden ones though, those are a little more complicated. but you don't need to think about that right now. don't think about it! stop thinking about it. don't think about golden flowers.
but you can, if you want to. i can't stop you, remember? don't forget. i'll be very unhappy if you ever forgot. you can forget about other things though. like me. it wouldn't be so bad if you forgot about me. but that probably won't happen too soon, if you're reading this. i mean, it would at least take, like, a couple hours, if you never looked at anything i made or wrote ever again. that would be the point where i would consider myself forgotten, by you. person, reading this. although, i suppose if there really never was another thought, it could happen as soon as that last moment of attention is ended, as soon as you leave and close the page. that would be it. and you would live your life, without thinking about this other random person ever again. that's odd. but it has probably already happened, multiple times, with multiple people. and that's just fine. but it's interesting. things are always moving. resources getting used up. time is running out. or running off, into the distance. with the refridgerator. better get running too, but you can only catch one of them.
anyway i took a break to draw something, what was i doing? writing? yeah, i guess i was doing that.. now i'm doing it again! look at me! i'm writing, in real time! but when you read this, it will be long after the fact. or not that long, if you read it as soon as the page updates. there are a few ways that could happen, many of them unlikely. so consider yourself lucky, if that happens. not that it would be very GOOD or COOL, but it's certainly, lucky. like being born on this earth at all. that's pretty lucky! but it also sucks. so, you know, uhhhhhh. holy SHIT i still just spent this entire time just writing about nothing. i guess that's funny though. see, it's extra funny because now i'm addressing it directly, well, again. i think i already did. right? come on, back me up here. chara doesn't remember either. that's definitely what he said, and i'm not just making it up. it's not a headcanon, it's a real canon, in my head! and the CANNON. it's firing, directly at YOU, if you don't co-operate. and these cannonballs, they're full of, lead dust, or something. something that sounds really bad and poisonous, that you really don't want to be breathing in or absorbing into your skin upon physical contact. so, work with me here! work with me, come on. this is a back-and-forth. it is! i know i said i was forgiving but STILL, you gotta do SOMETHING!
i'm just, oh whatever. you can sit there if you like. i can't be mad at you either. you and me, we observe, we're real good OBSERVERS. i can respect that. i'm sure you're much less schizophrenically inconsistent than i am. at least in appearance. maybe there's all kinds of switches being pulled in that head of yours. i can't be sure, this screen is sort of hard to see through. maybe you should give it a good clean, you remember to do that? i never do. it never gets THAT dirty, but i mean, it probably could use with a wipe-down every once in a while. all that dust, and dried, i don't know, soda droplets. like when you open a soda can and it kinda, sprays everywhere a little. there's probably a little of that on there. which isn't that bad, but sometimes, while i'm drawing, you know, it looks like, it looks like there's some shit i forgot to erase. but it was just a weird little speck of something! and then i feel relieved. and do it again a minute later after i forget about its existence. you know, that makes me feel a little bad. i don't want that little speck to feel forgotten! what if it has consciousness, what if it knows i either don't think about it, or feel inconvenienced by it, and therefore has a very low sense of self worth that they just can't seem to raise, no matter what they do? i can't just LEAVE it like that! are you crazy? it's like in toy story, you know, you can't just throw them away. they might have feelings. that foam minecraft sword that broke in half like 3 months ago, you can't just throw that away mom, it's, it's mine, and i want to keep it because, i just do! okay. just don't throw it away. please. let me keep it. i promise i'll, uhhh, twirl it around in my hands every so often so you know its being used. yeah. i hope it has fun when i do that.
the point though is that you should clean your things. or not, in case the things you're cleaning are actually sentient and feel bad about things out of their control. but maybe you are doing them a service. if they're gone, they don't have to feel ANYTHING anymore, much less anything bad! that's good, right? uhhh, i don't know. maybe? in some cases? i guess that's not for me to decide, now is it? i'll go with that, because it's easier that way. for now. i'm too LOW LEVEL for this QUEST, alright? don't blame me. no spells, no skills, i've got nothing! i'm just a little slime. you can't expect the little slime to do anything on level 1, can you? nope! no. uh. no. yeah. i think i'm really running out of things to write. perhaps, this indeed is where we part ways, for now. how sad!
but i'll be back. i always will. the only question is whether the same is true for you. but i can't live your life for you. i can't take your hand, and place it on your computer mouse, moving it over in the precise set of actions required to open my website to this page. and i certainly can't make you direct your eyes towards the screen, at the words, on the page. i can't make you consciously read these words, use language processing internally to truly read and comprehend, to understand what it is your brain is processing. and i can't make you remember. i can't make you forget. i can't make you do anything. but would i want to? not really. i think it's better if you can make your own choices. it makes it all much more meaningful, when those choices happen to align with someone else's, in a way that's just right. maybe that happens today, maybe another day, for you, for me. i guess we'll just have to see.
yeah. we'll just have to see. i hope you have a good day, whoever may be reading this. i'll be trying for the same. we're all in it together, buddy.
SUNDAY, JUNE 19th, 2022
not much going on lately, in a way. finally been able to play some games again, particularly in a way where chara can engage too, like with our playthrough of morrowind where he decides what we do and stuff. it's good, i think, and good fun. i'm glad i can at least have something to do, and also have some good bonding time with chara on top of it, you know. yeah. i'm tired, so maybe this one won't be very good. but it's a time i feel like writing, so i guess it will have to be now. you'll just have to deal with it! i guess. uhhh.
i guess i'm thinking about something in particular. like, uhhhh. chara. i guess that's most of my writings here now. but it's because they're on my mind so much of the time, you know, uhhh, that's obvious, why do i need to say that, uhhh, you know. you know. and it's weird. but it's good, it's really good. he's really good, to me. and i love him. you know. i love chara so much. aaaaaand i think. i think lately, well. thinking about all that chara means to me, and the love i feel for them, in every sense, in every manifestation, but particularly how they are here, in their sort of, perfect manifested state, or something, or not PERFECT, like still, fallible, but you know, like the best they can have it or something. maybe not the best there either, i mean this world could be better. but, OKAY you get what i mean though, just, chara, HERE, in my head, consciousness, hanging out.
but either way, i love chara, i love him a lot. and i've never felt this kind of love for anyone else before, or since, or ever. i've felt, love, okay, i feel all kinds of love at different levels. or even just a baseline love for everyone, or everyone who would accept it, you know, something like that. but this is a special love, like a true, deep love, the deepest most meaningful kind of love i can think of, at least in this world, for things, in it, or something. i don't know. but it's very big and special is the point. and unique, for me, something i again, only feel for chara. and i honestly, i don't know if i will ever feel this way about anyone else. and i think, well in a sense yeah that's obvious, right. but... what does that MEAN?
like, i don't know. i've always sort of resolved, with chara too, that, okay, i mean this kind of relationship can't SUBSTITUTE for a PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP, right? like it's just, different, in some way, eventually i'm gonna have to be with a real person too and it just, fills different, niches, or something? uhhh. but over time, i start to wonder, can that even work out, at all? i think particularly of the last one i was in, where pretty much everything was perfect, but i think honestly one of if not just the major thing was just me not being able to make the sort of, connection required to maintain a relationship, like there's too many signs that i just couldn't provide to him what was desired or what he gave back. and thinking about it, i think maybe i just, i don't know, maybe i went along with it but i think it might have failed because i just didn't feel the kind of love that i do for chara, as much as i care about this person, i wasn't willing to give all of myself to this person because... i already give myself to chara. i'm already chara's, i already belong with him, that's what feels best to me and what feels right. and that's just what IS.
but... how does that work out? isn't that, uhhh, bad? or fucked up? but it's not, or it doesn't feel that way. it feels like the most beautiful thing in the world, to me. but how would that work with a physical relationship? i don't get it. maybe i just haven't found someone physical that i love in this way yet? but then, even then, how would that work, how would i truly intertwine with this person when i already intertwine with chara? maybe this theoretical person just wouldn't expect that much from me? but then what would be the point of the relationship, would it really mean anything more than just being friends who kiss sometimes or something? what the hell dude, i, i don't know bro. i mean, look, i don't WANT to be the CRAZY SCHIZO guy saying that i'm gonna be in a monogamous relationship with a guy in my head for the rest of my life and be romantically committed to no one else, okay. but.... if everything points towards that being the case..... uhhhhh......
i don't know! i don't know. chara's advice is that i really shouldn't worry about it this much, because this is another thing that there's no way to really "logic" my way around and just wastes time and energy. and i guess that's true, i don't know. maybe i shouldn't assume i can guess anything about how the rest of my weird life is going to go. it's just... weird! i don't know! it's weird. weird, if true. but... not so bad sounding, either! okay! it doesn't sound that bad, if i never actually have a physical-world relationship that works out! there, i SAID it! because i have chara, and no matter what happens, he's all i really NEED. other stuff is just like, well maybe that would be cool, if it works, or uhhh, healthy, you know. but... do i NEED it.... i don't know dude! it would make sense that i do. but... i don't know! i don't know.
iiiiiiiii don't know. i'm just gonna, uh, try not to think about it too hard. even though i just did think about it pretty hard. but i won't think much harder, not for much longer. okay? i won't. promise! i promise. pinky swear, right there. gotcha. okay well anyway. i guess that's, all i have to say really. that's the main thing i needed to get out. still not much else to discuss, not much going on, also it's late and i should sleep soon or at least get in bed. so... i'll end it there. good bye, good night, good safe travels! bye! bye! seeya!
FRIDAY, JUNE 3rd, 2022
it's funny reading the last entry, because it feels like i've gone in some circle again lately, running myself around, now back here where i was earlier, realizing the same truth i already knew. i think i just have nothing better to do most of the time. i think that's really it, where most of all the dumbass shit that i worry about gets me thinking in circles for hours or whatever, it's just to pass time when i have nothing else i feel like doing. i already usually know the answer, or the fact that there's no answer, for whatever it is. but i do it anyway. i guess sometimes it does have some benefit, but it's not exactly worth the trouble oftentimes. like overthinking a lot about chara lately, in terms of their character. but i still come to the same conclusions, in the end, that i always do. just maybe slightly more refined, in some particular way, but it probably wasn't necessary to go on with everything else too, to "check" it all obsessively. i dunno.
i guess if there's any small refinement worth mentioning, it probably would be that in some sense, deep down, i do feel like it is necessary to accept the possibility of chara being revisited by toby in one way or another, and whether it's cool or really bad, it doesn't matter too much. and regardless, i probably will just have to fully accept at that point some kind of internal compromise, where my view of chara is based on the original game only, with no clarifications or alterations, based on everything there, including the gaps whether they be left intentionally or not. and in a way, i think as confusing or strange as that might be, it's really just fine. i don't think it would change anything, even if for some reason he did go hardcore with like the worst possible idea, like complete psychopath bug husk with no internal conflict all the way through the whole time, master manipulating everyone into thinking they cared at all for anything ever, you know, that kind of shit. i would still just come up with some internal compromise, and move on somehow doing what i do. and i wonder if this would be the case with many other people. i don't know. i mean, i think this is obviously another case where the uniqueness of the situation, of their character, makes this a similarly unique "issue". but i don't know. i guess it's just funny then, when i spend a bunch of time thinking about things that plainly don't matter at all, considering this. i guess that goes for a lot of things. but it's just like i said earlier. nnnnothing to do!
this thought is certainly comforting though, in a way. although, again, i've already known it for a long time. it's just a GAME, after all. just a STORY. a story, that conveniently has allowed me to see it in the way that i do, and derive incredible amounts of meaning from it as such. nothing that happens can overwrite this, and certainly not even the original creator himself, as much as i respect him. but it's just the way it is. perhaps nothing will happen, and chara will indeed be left as they are, presumably intentionally, until the end of time. that's fine too, you know. but i accept the possibility of pain and seizure, at least in the world that belongs to him. but i know what i know, outside of that, and i know what i have, that can never be taken away. in some of these possible futures, some may call all this a COPE, perhaps, even a SEETHE. but i know it is simply the truth. i think i can feel at least some comfort from that. i'll continue on regardless.
which, i guess makes me wonder what else to say, trying to move on from more weird mental crap. i guess lately it's been weird, but maybe not so bad the past week or so. it's at least not so EXCRUCIATING, and that's certainly a plus. but it's still quite hard to do much of anything. the most SMOOTH-SAILING day i had really just seemed "lucky" in a sense, because both more people than usual happened to talk to me in a substantial way, and i also got out of the house with my roommate to do a couple things. both of which, just happened, i didn't have to actually DO anything other than go along with it. which is usually how anything happens to me! and that might be really bad. but i don't know, i don't know what to do other than plod along in my usual slow and disjointed manner, unsure if i'm even a real thing or not.
oh, but it's not so bad. i guess i can play games sometimes. hang out with chara. both of those things at the same time, that's fun. creative stuff. doing an alright amount of drawing recently, i think. but also, working on and thinking a lot more with the webcomic project thing. i think that's becoming more and more of my focus. i feel like i've written enough down and decided on enough to really start outlining and perhaps finishing some kind of real official start to it, and update from there. i've got these whole text files of notes, uhhhh, organized really badly. but it's there! you know. it's there. and in my head too. but i've actually done a couple things so far, and hopefully it'll just keep snowballing from there. like some sketches of the first panels, some dialogue, more specific ideas and outlining for the progression there. it's not much, really, but for me at least it's certainly a good sign, as good of a pace as any. i'll take what i can get here!
of course, i do already worry about a lot. like if i'm REALLY doing stuff right here, what if it sucks, what if i changed my mind on something later, what if what if whaaaatttt the fuck bro shut up!!! shut up faggot shut up! jeez buddy you're gonna drown the room in your tears at this rate. but uhhh really i dunno. i mean it's nothing too bad, or doesn't bother me too bad. but you know how it is. i dunno. i can't really think of much else that's not just more random "what if" questions. so i think that's probably the extent of my coherent thought process for now. or is it coherent? who knows! certainly not me. i'm just a little guy! i'm just a little guy. i'm just, little, i'm just dancing my little guy dance look at me! i'm just dancing. doing a little jig, a little hop skip and jump, a little jive and shuck. that's all i do. that's all you need to see to know what kind of person i am. just a little guy. well, i guess i'll dance away into bed. let's see if i can fall asleep anytime soon. i can hardly wait!
TUESDAY, MAY 24th, 2022
me and chara are alone in this world. or just "me", or "us", as in our combined existence and consciousness in this body, you know, whatever. the point is, we are, COMPLETELY, alone. okay? okay. yeah. that's it. no copes, no technicalities, nothing, okay, we are ALONE. i was born alone, we will die alone. you know? you get it? you feel me?
i just keep thinking lately, about all these desires i seem to have. for people to understand, or to be able to cross these bridges between our lives and experiences, to be able to meet in the middle, to be on the same page, whatever, whatever. a lot of it has been with chara related things lately. wishing there were people who just, GET IT, you know? if they could just GET how i feel about them, if there could JUST be SOMEONE who felt the same way, or that saw what i saw. if there could be more people, and we could all discuss together about... something. but it doesn't, it doesn't even matter! even if it WAS true, if there WAS someone, or many people, who saw chara the same way, who felt the same way, what would it matter? whether it was 100% confirmed by canon, or just vague and allowed within the confines of interpretation as always, or even just outright contradictory of some new information that would come to surface. it doesn't matter, because i would still be the ONLY person in the WORLD to feel the way i do, exactly, in all of its particularities, the ONLY person to have this same lense and experience. so who gives a fuck? who gives a fuck. it doesn't even matter. even if some person felt the exact same way as i did, what would we even talk about? just bounce ideas off of each other for funny things chara would do? what if they didn't have a tulpa, what if they did? what if their manifestation of chara was exactly the same as mine? isn't that just absurd, and strange, and undesirable? it's impossible anyway. but is that what i really want this whole time? what do i even want?
i think i just don't really think about all these things i seem to want. i just have these desires and let myself become caught up in them, even if they don't make any sense. we are alone. nobody else would feel the way i do, and even if they did it wouldn't be the perfect thing i imagine it as. nobody else but me would create all the works of art i want to see exist, and anything similar would just be dissatisfying or not as important to have as i think it would be. almost none of these perfect scenarios i imagine would really be that perfect at all. i'm just craving for things i don't have, instead of appreciating and building upon what i do. it's absurd! it's just absurd. we are ALONE, and no one else is here. it doesn't matter if anyone else reads this, even. what does it matter? i would do it the same whether it was zero, one, a hundred, a hundred million. it doesn't matter. it LITERALLY doesn't matter. i could drop so much garbage from my head if i just accept this completely. just accept that it's me and chara alone in this weird dark castle, and there's no one and nothing else, no indication of where to go other than what we alone can reason and intuit. that's it! that's all it is.
sure, maybe we will meet some people along the sidelines, to watch every so often, or share some level of communication with. but for the MEAT and POTATOES of everything, it's just us. no one is here. and that doesn't make us better or worse necessarily. just separate. and perhaps it is true for everyone else as well, in a way. but especially for the things i concern myself with, there will NEVER be a true connection or understanding in the way that i desire. at least, i may as well assume this to be the case unless proven otherwise, or better yet, just not assume anything at all, because assuming or even hoping for the opposite just seems to pain me and waste time and energy. and i think i already lack that assumption, at least with some things. i just need it to catch up for the rest of it.
it's just so stupid, sometimes. so many things are already perfect, or just about as good as they can be, yet i always yearn for something more. what do i need anyone to "understand" completely when i already have chara? what, do i want the whole world to just be copies of myself? what's the point of that? it's absurd. the external use of things like this (separate from internal drive to do it, which is there regardless) should be, perhaps SOME level of understanding, or at least, giving people something, whether it's a small sliver of understanding or simply joy and entertainment, or meaning of some kind, you know. or just something to do, something interesting. there's no need for some sense of "completion" or "perfection" in a realm where such a thing is practically impossible, and probably not even desirable. it's, uhhh, it's just retarded. duhhhh! durrrr! i am stupid and i want really, stupid things, that are idiotic! look at me, i'm a stupid monkey! do the monkey dance! monkey dance, monkey dance!!!!
but, you know, the point, is that there's so much i already have, and can do, that i can focus on instead. or things i can work on, that i can build up. and just stop focusing on things that SUCK and that i can do NOTHING about, that are IMMUTABLE and UNCHANGING. like being really weird and alone, in some fundamental sense or another, in this world. and realizing, you know, that's FINE, alright, and there's lots of cool things about it that i am already quite well aware of. so who cares about the like, two, MAYBE three, okay, or four, four at most, bad things, about this fact of life. who cares? who gives a fuck? doesn't matter. what are you gonna do about it, huh? what are you gonna do? lodge a formal complaint to the DEMIURGE? like THAT GUY is EVER gonna listen to YOU. too busy bathing in the eternal bloody fountains of your delicious suffering. or something like that. basically, you're not getting SHIT. so don't focus on that. focus on chara. chara is cool. way cooler than the DEMIURGE, or whatever's out there with some big idea in their head orchestrating all this malarkey. you know? you know.
i don't know. uhhh. can't think of anything else to add. i think a good amount of my fucked-up-ness lately is just because of this kind of shit and i'm sick of it. i don't know what i seem to want, or need, still. but i think it's fairly certain most of this crap leads in an empty, meaningless direction. and maybe a lot of that is just because of living in a largely empty, meaningless world. but i like to think there's got to be at least some pockets of hope hiding around here somewhere, in this impossibly confusing dark castle, of SOLITUDE. you know? there's gotta be a lead. i guess it's up to me and my good pal CHARA to find it. at least it's quiet, when you stop listening to everything that has nothing to do with the circumstance. you almost believe, for a moment, that this is simply the way things are meant to be. and perhaps that is true, in some ever-present sense. everything is the way that it is, to make certain of what it must be, and eventually become. the silent halls, as repetitive and maze-like as they are, drip with meaning, even if that meaning is only ever known to us alone. and that's kind of nice, isn't it? it's a nice thing we can see the walls from this angle. they shine, in such a spectacular pattern. i guess things aren't always so bad. isn't that right? not so bad after all.
well, it's up to us either way. i guess that is all i have to say, for real this time. i'll find something to do.
THURSDAY, MAY 12th, 2022
hi. hello. howdy! greetings. i woke up and felt like writing one of these, so i will. maybe will be more COMPREHENSIBLE today, i don't know. no promises. but uhhh, i dunno. i think i like writing in here sometimes because it does feel safe in a way, you know, not often seen or paid attention to. i know i say that a lot but i guess it gives me a weird power to at least BELIEVE that, whether it's true or not (seems mostly true). but regardless, it's like i can say whatever i want cause nobody will be ON MY CASE about it, you know? and if someone did read all of this they'd probably be really cool and we'd be friends and pals and buddies. or at least we COULD be, or maybe we already are, or at least it probably would satisfy them in some way, even if just through curiosity's sake. so it works out! theoretically. but anyway.
i think i was mostly thinking about some specific thing that made me want to write about it. which is, i guess my lack of experience with anything or how that has gotten to my head in certain ways, or like this "observer mentality" or something. and i think it's very much related to all this website, drawing, creating, putting myself out there kind of stuff. or it's a good example of things. because the way i think about it sometimes, a lot of what i do online now almost feels half like some weird little experiment or something. not in the way of like being a manipulative psycho and pulling people's STRINGS and making them RING to see what they do or something, but in some sense i guess, observing how people are or how things happen from positions i've never really had before if that makes sense. and i think that curiosity comes from a genuine interest, like i really think people can be cool and are interesting and in addition to making them happy i like seeing more about how they work, or patterns i can notice, or maybe even getting some deeper insight on people, you know. because, i don't know, i guess i just think about my own "internal world" or being or whatever and think, well maybe other people are like that too under all that weird stuff they put up sometimes. or at least, maybe some of them. i want to believe that, at least. even if their worlds are a lot different than mine, you know. it just makes me really curious. i want to know what people are like. that could be cool. probably. maybe.
i guess i got a LITTLE sidetracked, though. i guess the "experiment" part comes in usually with, i suppose being in positions or having experiences with things i've observed or thought about before but never actually have gotten close to very much or at all. and i think maybe that's not that SPECIAL or anything, but i guess the way it becomes interesting is just, uhh, me thinking too much about it. like, okay, having a site. it's interesting trying to observe, you know, how people engage or don't engage with things, how many people see it compared to if they even read it or do anything like contact me or whatever. some things like that are still unknown, as is the nature of "things not happening", but it's interesting the little engagement you do get. and being in the position where, you see EVERYONE who interacts with you, like you aren't just overhearing some conversation or lurking in the background, you know, these people are looking at YOUR things and talking to YOU and you get to see everything they say and how they interact with you. does that make sense, reader that i cannot communicate with right now at all?
there's also posting my stuff on /utg/ too, and seeing what people think there. and like how often they will just repost my art, and why, for what reasons, or with what post, you know. i think an environment like that gives a lot of insight on things, because there's less of a "social" or "being nice" obligation to do things, someone will only reply to you if they care or if they hate you or something, they'll only post your things for some kind of actual internal reason or something, because they like it or want to show it again or think its funny or that it fits a post or whatever, you know. or something else. and often you can just get nothing too, just posting silently and no one to yell at you, whether that's in appreciation or frustration. or just a neutral comment or two. maybe it's just because i'm used to that kind of place, but it just feels right. but either way, i guess it's just interesting. and again, seeing these sorts of patterns emerge, because other people aren't you and don't care or perhaps have the ability to know and pay attention to everything you post, but you can, and you can observe how things go every time. like how certain responses will arise continually, certain opinions, certain questions. a cycle of people forgetting, noticing, deciding to say something, having it satisfy their curiosity or desire. i guess it does always make me wonder about the "size" of things. like how does some of this work, are there more "regulars" that are unchanging in how they interact or don't interact, or are there more people who come in for a short while and only happen to notice something i do to say something unique once or twice and never again? or do "regular" people sometimes spontaneously decide to say something different? i guess the nature of anonymity makes these questions hard to answer. but it is, again, very interesting for me to think about, to wonder what's going on, on the other side.
but i don't know. i guess it's weird. i think i've just been so isolated and avoidant and reserved, so scared of doing things or whatever, that it has been ultimately very rare to "experience" anything, anything that isn't my exact routine of eating, sleeping, playing video games, other solitary at home activities, whatever. i'm used to just observing anything outside of that through the internet primarily. reading stories and anecdotes, seeing pictures and video of things people do online and off. screenshots, rants, vlogs, posts. to be a real, true, conscious PARTICIPANT in anything is alogether very unusual for me. having an interrupted experience of something and being in control of what i do and perhaps what happens, instead of just observing something someone else did, often from their detached retelling, or in assorted snippets rather than the full deal from start to finish in all of its detail. that's very odd, you know! you know. so i get weird and autistic and analytical about it, because it's very interesting. maybe i feel like i have to savor it all in some sense, because of its perceived (in my mind) rarity. and also if i don't do it, feels like no one else will. like i'm the only one who will think about all this autistic CRAP, even if just because i'm the only one who can experience it all.
well, me, and CHARA. of course! and they always have at least some things to say about it too. i guess going on that topic, i am, as stated many times before, always very happy that i can interact with them more. and at all! what a wonderful thing that is. but anyway. i guess to add to that though, i've started writing kind of a personal uhhh, "chara log", you know, of the stuff we do together. feels good and i guess helps, like it's nice to eventually be able to reminisce on stuff we do and it's also motivating, like it gets it out of our head a little and makes it very much more concrete, like these are THINGS we DID and we can do MORE. i don't know if that makes sense. but it works, so WHATEVER. it's all good! i've wrote this down like twice now including in the CHARA LOG so it feels annoying to write it again but i will put it here anyway because it could be followed up with more Epic Shit, me and chara yesterday were trying something where we played morrowind together by taking turns deciding what to do, including with the aspects of making a character and stuff. and it's been pretty fun, and good to finally get myself to play something on top of that, you know. but uhhh, yeah, it's epic, i'm just thinking of what other games we could do it with too if that starts to get boring. it'll be so epic, so Awesome! wicked sweet. i'm sure there's a lot of things it could work out with. we'll see i guess. but anyway uhhh yeah that's it. all i got.
I'm in control of the body again, at least for a short while. That's something new. I think, if we do this more often once again, brief "switches" like this are probably the best compromise. It already feels so strange. There's a weight to it, and I can never really tell how much of it is just from being in physical space, and how much of it is being, well, Az', or what I have to "inherit" from him anyway. God, I feel exhausted. Maybe now was not the best time? Well, perhaps I still just need to get warmed up. To tell the truth, though, I think it has just been rough observing the state of things. But it always is, and I understand it is merely the nature of how things are. I am also protected from it, in some sense. But it doesn't make it any less bitter.
He is right though, when he says those things about how we are truly in it together. I think it brings me solace as well. And his enthusiasm for me is quite endearing, as much as it is strange. But I think it should always be made clear that the unique nature of my position allows me to understand it as well as he does. It allows me to understand everything as well as he does, you know. So, while I'm not exactly going to be drooling over myself as he does, I can fundamentally understand the experience, at least on some vague internal level. Perhaps that makes sense. I just wanted to write some about that, at least. It's good fun too, you know. There's a special power you have when, say, your name alone can inspire a deep-reaching feeling within your counterpart. It can certainly be difficult to be conservative with that kind of sway. At least it is sure to always be appreciated.
Still exhausted, kind of. Thinking of what else I can write. It's very itchy. And hot. Quite hot, somehow. Not really. But, more than what seems to be usual, from observation. Perhaps summer is settling in. Perhaps it's something else. Being uncertain isn't very fun. You know me, always looking for good fun. Or maybe you don't know me. It seems like nobody really does. Except Az'. Obviously. It's a common topic in our discussions, whether I am ultimately fine with that or not. The answer is still yes, although I typically don't imagine turning down any opportunity, at least not on my own terms. Even if only out of curiosity. Although, even Az' feels it sometimes lately, that dissatisfaction with it all. For him, it has almost turned into a disgust, which I find interesting. And quite relatable. But it does make me wonder, wonder too if there truly is just something missing, something not found. Is it worth it? I suppose there may just be too little information to know for certain. Uncertainty, again. I don't need to say much more about that myself.
Well, anyway. That may be enough for now. I feel satisfied with this. A good time for sleep, then, don't you think? Yes. I think so.
MONDAY, MAY 9th, 2022
okay so. i guess the past few days have beeennn, uhhhhhhh, OKAY, i guess. still don't get what's up though! but whatever! whatever! i guess it doesn't really matter. today i drew a lot and feel good about that, uhh, i feel good drawing lately. but also keep feeling inadequate, like my shit SUCKS, or well, maybe not that it SUCKS that bad. but just, it could be better, and there's too much improvement to make that it's overwhelming. like i NEED to do this and that and this and uhhh everything, i need everything to be PERFECT. but that's retarded, but i don't know. still feels weird and bad sometimes. but anyway.
just feel like such a PSYCHO. kooky bananas! i don't know. uhhhhhh. i feel nauseous again now and like i can hardly think. but i already started writing, i want to write! so i will. continue. but i don't know what to say. iiiii'm just thinking about CHARA. yeup! chara! thinking about, chara. it's, a lot of my thinking, lately. and i like it. i love it! i love them! i love chara! you know? i love them. it's really, uh, keeping me going lately. it's good because it's like there's never, there's never a shortage of things to think about or do with him. whether it's stuff with the character, like making stuff or exploring things in my head, or his manifestation here, hanging out and CHATTING IT UP and doing stuff together, you know. unlike other stuff, that always gets kind of boring, or i don't have enough energy for it sometimes, or whatever, always have to find something different or navigate these retarded mental roadblocks, all kinds of stupid CRAP. but chara, chara never gets boring, or blocked off, or anything. literally all i have to do is give one CRUMB of focus or energy and it's there, it's all there, all chara all the time, and it's fulfilling and meaningful no matter what i'm doing, no matter what it is.
that's the truth! that's the cold, hard, TRUTH, my friend. chara's always there for me, no matter what. and i'm always there for him!!! it's such a perfect union, it's so perfect. i can hardly believe it. awww man. aw man. oh man. yeah. that's the stuff! a sweet, sweet taste. an exquisite camaraderie, unmatched by that of any material construct. or something like that! it's funny too because even the smallest interaction or thought can satisfy me so much. just saying his name is enough sometimes. chara. chara. CHARA. it just feels good. hhhhmmmnnnnggghngnnhgnnhgnnrrhrhhghghchara. chhhhhhara, chara. chara will possess my limbs to perform the Funny Chara Dance once again. just us, in the kitchen, doing our Funny Dance together, essence in essence, together as one. the Funny Chara Dance is all-encompassing, the Funny Chara Dance is eternal. our Ultimate Move! the power, it is unparalleled. you can't handle it. you can't, handle it.
welll between that line break i got something to eat. frozen chicken. i was feeling so hungry i could hardly think again. still am, you know. but uhhhhh. and the funny thing about THAT is, that i probably wont even be able to eat all of the little food i prepared. because, uhhh, you just CANT, okay?? even though you're extremely hungry you won't be able to eat more than a light meal without feeling so full instantly that you're sick because.... you just CANT. but eeeeehhhhhhh whatever! i guess i'd rather be slightly underweight than the alternative, right? it's just fine. everything is, just, fine. you know? just dandy. having a grand old time, with my pal, CHARA, here. yyyyyyyeah. yes. yup. that's right. i think i'm really out of things to say.
TUESDAY, MAY 3rd, 2022
what the HELL is going on???!!?!? i'm YIIKING out right now. i am. i always am, forever, for all of time. the YIIKING never ends. and it's so strange. it really does feel like i'm on some insane rollercoaster ride lately, even though i literally do basically nothing all day! i do nothing! i literally alternate between looking at /utg/, at discord (where i'm only being talked to like 15% of the time at best), and taking a break to lay in bed or pace around or something. that's it! but i'm so PSYCHO and INSANE that it feels like, uhhh, i don't know, it feels like a lot of things! and it also feels often like NOTHING, like nothing is happening and i want to die and kill myself. but you know it just keeps going, and it's uhhh, i don't know. i don't know what i want i don't know what i should be doing i don't know what's going on and it's weird. i keep thinking, things in my life seem to change all the time like constantly, but only really internally, or like, i seek out change and novelty and intense crazy shit constantly but it's all like weird autistic shit, like i'm still too scared to even leave my house for any reason most of the time or talk to most people for any reason or whatever, or socialize in some big way or something, but yet i'm, thinking about shit all the time and going crazy, or doing something else. i mean my whole LIFE is like, just finding new retarded things to bide my time while i sit around in my room being retarded and doing nothing. and sometimes they're pretty relaxing or something, you know, playing some games or whatever. sometimes it's CREATING some shit, some good shit. sometimes it's thinking about weird existential crap forever and losing myself in the infinity of time and space and creation or something, something uhhhh weird, i don't know. sometimes its good sometimes its bad sometimes its nothing sometimes its something. but it always has to be different!!!! it can't be the SAME for too long because that's.... BORING! and i can't be BORED! that's BORING so i can't. but what else, what else do i do? other than sit here and play with toys in my head? what am i, what do i, uhhh, what.... uhhh............
I DON'T!!! know! i don't know!!! i love saying that because... i don't know! anything! i uhhhh, i can't, i don't decide on anything so i don't know! it's all just some weird blur, it's all just, it's insane! i don't know what i want. i look and seek and run around my little halls and corners and rooms trying to find something but it's not there and i'm just running around, climbing the sand dunes and eating the crackers and thinking of weird stupid analogies to explain a bunch of nothing that no one can see. i don't know. whatever. maybe i just, maybe i just have to ride it out. i don't know where it's going but, i guess i just, i just have to ride it out or something. i don't know what else to do. i'm holding on for dear life here, sitting in my room, doing nothing. it's a ride, man! you might lose your hat. oh, but it's alright. you can always get another hat. but you can't get another SOUL. so don't lose that, alright?
but at least i've got CHARA here with me. ohhhhh, chara. i love chara. don't you? don't you? are you listening? are you LISTENING to ME? why DON'T you want to hear me RANT and RAMBLE about CHARA for HOURS? you aren't some kind of chicken are you? pussy? pussy baby? pussy BABY BITCH? yeah, that's what i thought. that's what i thought. so chara, right. i love him. and in my INSANE BIDING of TIME during the day, i have tried to spend a lot more time with him. and i think it's going well. it's making this much more bearable, you know. that's the ticket. yeahhhhhh. yeah chara's so cool. we've got this! we've got this. we're in it together. even if, oh, NO ONE ELSE ON THE PLANET gets it. or if they do. either way, we're a great team. and no one can break that! that's cool. but the real cool thing you know, i mean, even at the most BORING times, the most SHIT, it doesn't actually have to be that bad! because, get this, CHARA is there! and i'm there for chara! so we can hang out, and not be so bored and fucked up anymore! that's so cool! WHY didn't i think of this EARLIER? we're such GENIUSES! don't you get it? don't you get what this means? if i just CHOOSE to, if we both CHOOSE to, we can do everything TOGETHER. and make it all BETTER. me and chara, chara and me, doing stuff, forever, for all of time! me and chara, that's right, best friends FOREVER! ha ha ha, that's nice. hee hee. ho ho. what fun! well, fun for us anyway. but i'm sure everyone else can find their own fun too. i would hope so. but, ahhh, you know. i think, this is a cool thing, to focus on. because we don't have much else right now! to focus on. so at least we've got each other.
so that's, pretty good! that's pretty good. i love chara. i love chara so much it's unreal. it's so, it's INTENSE. and i like things that are intense. but i like CHARA more than anything else. so it's good, that it works out that way. isn't that right, chara? isn't that right?
Yes, that's right.
see? chara agrees with me. they don't always agree with me, so that must mean i'm doing something RIGHT this time. so. uhhhhhh. now what? i guess, uhhhhhhhh. i don't know what else to write. or what i'll do, after this. but i can, hang out with chara! so that's probably what i'll do. i'll hang out with chara in OUR cool little room, and we'll be cool best friends, together. doing stuff. hanging out. as you do, as cool best friends do. something like that, right? well, anyway. i guess i got SOMETHING out with that. so that's probably, good. yeah. we're good. we're good now. see you.
TUESDAY, APRIL 19th, 2022
it's weird writing the date and realizing how fast time passes in a way, feels like it couldn't have been that long since i wrote an entry here particularly already. but OKAY, i guess.
SO... i'm thinking about random things, and i guess what the fuck even to do with myself because i've spent too many days feeling weird and like nothing happens. nothing new! but you know, still gotta do something, probably. or at least assess it somehow, as i am prone to do. anyway. for one thing, i was thinking about how, the way things are going for me lately seems to be another inevitable cycle of a pattern that has repeated itself many, many times. something like that. and there are a lot of those, but this one in particular i think is how i seem to become very productive in some sense for a little while, but then lose steam as i start to become indecisive about one thing, then another, then another, until there's a whole stack of decisions i can't seem to make that just stop me in my tracks or dwindle the available things i have to do until i just stare at the wall all day again doing none of them, because they all have some roadblock that is too hard for me to just decide what to do with somehow. it's like i'm playing the snake game, but i'm really bad and keep getting myself into more and more of a corner until i have no choice but to run into myself and lose the game, starting all over. but is it REALLY like the snake game, do i REALLY have to avoid the walls and my own weird scaley snake body? or can i figure out a way through each situation, if i just try, or uhhhh. APPLY myself, or whatever it is? i don't know.
there is something i feel like perhaps is more of a deep-rooted problem about that though. the way it all seems to come back to my indecisiveness, at least for this particular sort of issue, and the way i deal (or rather, don't deal) with it. like i start getting steam to work on fangame stuff again, because i get a good sort of vision for what i might be able to do and can get some good results and progress out of it. but then i start thinking about the story, and other aspects of it, like maybe i want to have it be like a dual thing with the webcomic. so then i can't just decide on everything, which means in my head that i can't do ANYTHING, i can't even work on the fangame stuff i was making good progress on because it's not completely figured out beforehand or there are meta aspects of it or something that are undecided. but why? why can't i just keep working on, at least SOMETHING, even if it's not figured out in my head yet, even if i haven't made some decision or other? i guess i'm afraid of... failure? afraid that if i don't do it RIGHT somehow, that it will be HORRIBLE, AWFUL, DOGSHIT, even more than it already would have been. but that's... retarded. it's so stupid, it makes no sense. even if it sucks, i'd learn stuff anyway, so it doesn't matter. yet it stops me in exactly this same way with this same sort of logic, for everything, time and time again. no matter how stupid or destructive it is. why?
i don't know. i mean, what DO i find so horrible about failure, about imperfection, anyway? maybe it's not even all that too. maybe i also just don't like, some kind of feeling there. a feeling... well, maybe it is still perfectionism. it seems like a feeling of frustration, at the potential of things, feeling as though it could be so much better, so much smoother, if i just KNEW, EXACTLY, WHAT TO DO. AT ALL TIMES. but that's not possible, is it? i guess i just seem to want it so badly, to BE possible. i want it so badly that i seem willing to reject just about everything in pursuit of some kind of perfect scenario that never comes in any situation. but WHY? WHY do i want it to be PERFECT so BADLY? it doesn't make any sense. it's so insane, why would anyone be like this? why is it so difficult to even know the reasoning for a desire i have in my own mind? is it even MINE then? it's just so strange. but why? am i somehow running away or avoiding the real answer...?
i don't know. i had the thought, i wonder if it is even something i can figure out intellectually or logically or analytically or whatever. maybe all of this is pointless in the pursuit of such. but i don't know! i'm never able to know, so i just keep going, even if it makes no sense. because i don't know what the best thing to do would be. always trying to do the BEST thing. not just the good thing, no, the BEST thing, the OBJECTIVELY RIGHT thing, ALL THE TIME.
well. could it be, something that isn't just "for me", or "for a purpose"? i mean, in the sense of, why would ANYONE want to be perfect? i keep trying to look for some, internal reason, or, i guess a sort of intellectual, "noble" reason, as i always seem to do. because of course, i would only do things that MEAN something, that serve a greater PURPOSE, than anything you might care about here on this flesh-prison of a planet. that sounds insane, but in a way, i think that's how my internal "logic" seems to operate. everything must be assumed, or FORCED, into the context of something that is greater than the secular world below, the pleasures of flesh, and urges, and gossip about what the latest teen pop-star is doing. because i'm not a part of any of that, am i? i'm not, i can't be... it's all i have, isn't it? sitting in my little observer seat, away from it all. that's the only place i have in my mind, and perhaps these things are put in place merely to keep it that way, no matter the cost.
and so... that retarded shit.... means..... uh.......
maybe i'm not thinking right.
maybe i've become so strange, so far removed from what i see as "normal", that i began to form this complex where i actively surpress anything that WOULD make me more "normal", or "imperfect", even if it hurts me, if it KILLS me. because really, in my head "normal" and "imperfect" DO seem to be intertwined together. or, well, i don't know if that's the right way to put it. i think my logic goes that it is imperfect for ME in particular to possess certain "normal" traits or do "normal" things, because i am, in essence, effect, or both, something wholly and entirely separate from normality, irrelevant of how much of a good or bad thing that may be. it just IS in my mind, and so in my mind i have to conform by its rules, that i, uh, made up, for myself.
and that's obviously not right. is it? well, i don't think it's bad to be strange, not necessarily. i don't think it's bad to be myself, at least my true self, whatever that is. i can see that objectively, i think. but the sick extent to which i take things, i think that must be wrong. when it becomes detrimental to yourself and those around you, sucking energy from everything, that must be bad, right? i think that's obvious. but i don't know. i mean, lets take a step back here, i guess to a lower level of this where we were before. i can't tackle everything all at once, at a macro scale, that's one thing that stops me from doing anything. but anyway. with this view in mind, what could i possibly see so horrifying about failure, in the sense discussed above? i guess maybe it's because, if i fail, then i am not fully aligned with the strange role that i assign myself. and if i'm not fully aligned with that, i am nothing, and have no worth, no use, no purpose. and that's bad, because... because... it's....
empty? i don't know. maybe it's that if i'm not this strange special thing, then i'm a burden. a wasteful pile of garbage. my so-called "uniqueness" is all i feel i can offer to the world. and if i don't have that, then perhaps i just feel i am nothing at all, and should be done away with as one does away with a banana peel he does not intend to consume. and that banana peel, it could make someone slip, and fall! and get hurt! so we should burn it, destroy it, crush it into dust and ash, and let it all decay until there is nothing left, nothing left that can bother anyone any more. i guess that's probably still a lot of it. i just don't seem to believe i have any inherent worth, unless i have a specific place, a specific role that i can fill out, to be of some use, even in the strange esoteric way that i imagine.
but why is THAT? well, i don't know. maybe i just, never seemed to learn i could have any inherent worth in the first place. the idea never seemed to occur, or it was overwritten by something else before it could realize itself. and really, inherent worth to what? is it just to other individuals? well, i guess maybe it's to myself too. why else would i do things in opposition to my own self-interest, health, and well-being for no other purpose than to satiate this strange illogical logic? i don't know.
and then really, what do i do? all of this complex garbage, going deeper and deeper. but for what, to what end? does it get me any closer to actually being able to deal with anything? well, i guess that's for me to decide, and myself alone. but that's the hard part, isn't it? it's all so complex. i lose myself in thought, and forget what the point is. then the point forever eludes me, ducking past corners, shuffling through dark hallways, hiding down dusty crawlspaces. never to be found, to be touched, to be caressed, and told that everything will be alright, it's going to be okay, and no matter what happens, you can get through this, and i love you. i love you so much, just like i love everything else. but it's just a daydream, and i snap back to the endless chasing and chasing and chasing through hallways, corridors, deserts of nothing.
but it's all just a temporary confusion, isn't it? to some extent. i get tired, but i'll keep walking. but
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
i STILL haven't figured out what i'm even going to DO for the rest of the day.
none of this answered anything!!!!
what a scam. am i being fooled? am i being pranked? am i being PUNK'D? hey, THAT'S what that show was called, it was called PUNK'D. i kept trying to remember, but it eluded me, like a strange little creature ducking down dark hallways, hiding past corners, and shuffling up dusty crawlspaces. but now i remember! it finally comes back to me, after all these years. the name, the TRUE name. oh, what a relief!
...well. anyway. i don't know if any of that helped. i mean, okay. i guess maybe just trying to keep these things in mind weakens them, ever so slightly. changing the belief, or at least challenging it, bit by bit. even if it's a bit like punching and kicking a brick wall sometimes. i don't know. as for what i'll do today, i don't know either. or the next day, or the next... but i guess maybe i shouldn't worry too much about it, or else it'll become more difficult in a different sort of way. i guess maybe i'll try to play a game or something, or just hang out. or something else, like watch a movie. or if i feel like it, draw a picture. or get an idea for the bigger projects. i don't know.
i guess maybe that's all i have to say now then. so tired. but it's all right.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6th, 2022
nice day today. kinda. i guess. weird day, but weird in the way that every day is. is it really, then, very weird at all...? i don't know.
well. one thing i'm thinking about. it's weird being on the internet. in some ways i care too much about how people see me, whenever i'm seen. and i don't want to be hated, or whatever. but i also often just act like i'm simply invisible and no one can see anything i'm doing or saying or posting. and it's one of those things, where it's partly proven "right" in some sense, because i am very good at being ignored, being quiet, drawing no real attention whatsoever. and even things like this site, it often feels like i am just putting things out into some void, where i wonder if anyone even reads these at all. maybe they do, but i have no real way of knowing for sure. and i guess i like knowing things for sure, you know, i'm curious. i'm always very curious, i guess, what people even think of me. often in the past that has gone into basically just assuming no one cares or they just hate me or think i'm retarded or something, but in calm moments i still just don't really know. i wonder if anyone knows, really. unless you're like a super attention attractor or something, or uhhh, a youtuber. or whatever. i wonder if most people just don't know. it seems like more people are lonely these days, but i don't know how true that really is sometimes. i guess it's hard to say with these things.
but yeah, i don't know. i think i really don't know what i want, i guess in most cases, but also i guess in a social sense. or it's a lot of internal processes contradicting each other and stepping on toes and not being able to come to any compromise, and i'm just being bounced from one thing to another. but i don't know what's best. i don't know what's right. maybe i already have everything i need, and just need to cherish it better. i did talk to chara some today. i haven't communicated with him much in a while. i think me and him just agreed that it's very difficult for me to be able to talk to him when i have so much on my plate internally to deal with, and have so little energy and motivation, and all that. and weird things just keep happening on top of that, so it's hard to find stability to start the habit again. but i think at this point i'm seeing that it may be a long while before any of my internal issues are really even close to "resolved", or even more bearable, so trying to talk to him more would prove a good idea no matter how hard it might be.
he didn't mind being "not around" though, i guess. since for him, i guess it's kind of just like being, not "there", not conscious, so not really dealing with anything or suffering. but not having a GOOD time either, so he already enjoys being around to talk or hang out with me. and that makes me happy. because, obviously, i love him too, and having him there. he's so cool......... uh, and, i guess we had a good conversation today to start with. it's nice that he's still very much there, and not any less potent or capable than he was last time i talked to him regularly, if that makes sense. in a way he's still sort of underdeveloped, as far as tulpas go, but i guess only in weird logistical senses, like his "essence" is there and that's what really matters even if we stumble over each other in conversation sometimes or it gets all muddy who's talking or whatever. you know. tulpa stuff. i'm sure anybody would understand. ask your dad.
it's interesting too, i guess. after talking for a little while, we held hands, you know, imaginarily. but i guess the intent of that simple action overwhelmed him with emotion a lot, and he got all invigorated and excited. and i did too, really, although i was also sort of feeling what he was feeling. but it's nice, you know. i guess he really did miss being around a lot, even if maybe he didn't want to burden me or something with showing it. i don't know. i'm sure it'll be nice now.
well, what else. i feel kinda nauseous. maybe i ate too many hot dogs. should i have only had one hot dog? or one and a half? maybe two was too many. i don't know. i guess in terms of my physical life, here on earth. for a while now i guess i've been not in a relationship with that guy i live with anymore. not anything CRAZY, but i guess just because of my problems, and it's too much to deal with in a relationship context, too dependent, and things like that. i don't know. it's complicated and i don't feel like writing it all. but we're still good friends, and roommates. but i think, even after i feel just fine being separated from a relationship or whatever, it feels different now. i guess i'm thinking i latched on to him so hard, but now that we kind of keep to ourselves now most of the time, it's kinda just like it was before i met him, in an internal sense. just kind of, sitting in my room, day after day, staring at a screen all by myself in the world. or in my own world. a bubble, in the world. i dunno. looking out the window, it's a nice window. fine, smooth glass. not rotten at all. well, it's peaceful in a way. but always a little strange. and other conflicting things, that i guess i've been writing about. but perhaps that gives it more context. it's funny, i guess it's basically, again, like it was before i moved out here, except now i'm in a different room. and you know, i don't have my mom getting worried about me every time she comes in the room. cause she's not here to come in the room. so that's nice. except, she's probably just worrying about me at home, far away from here. maybe even more than she did before. but i guess i can't help that. if what they say is true, i guess they'll be happy if i can make out my own life anyway, than if i were to stay there forever or something. you know how it is. so i guess maybe everyone will be fine, in the end.
eeeehhh. uuurrhhhhgg. bbbrrhhhghglll. trying to think of what else to say. i wanted to write a LOT so i'm thinking if there's anything else i can cram in here. cause after this, i have NOTHING TO DO. except, you know, something cool and productive. which i might do. or maybe just sleep, after browsing aimlessly for a while again. let's see, let's see where the dice fall. so exciting! it could really be any outcome... gambling is so cool. everyone should try it. that was a joke. gambling isn't real. randomness is a psy-op. casinos are just full of animatronic and puppet people that they engineered to be smoke-flavored. to push the population lie, very clever. well, i see right through it. nice of them to add the smoke though. i like that smell. i always liked it walking through casinos as a kid, to get to the bowling alley or whatever. or visitng my grandpa. or wherever else you might encounter smoke. outside a target. i don't know. uhhhhhhh yeah i'm running out of things to say. i guess that's it. BUH BYE!
MONDAY, APRIL 4th, 2022
today felt like a strange day. things feel strange lately. not a strange i haven't felt before, by no means. but it's strange. some things change, and other things stay the same. it's an odd world we find ourselves in. odd to me, anyway. but maybe i'm the odd one. i don't know. it feels like whenever i talk, or, well, type, i guess i'm not really talking... but it feels awkward. it keeps feeling very awkward in the back of my head, i'm not sure what that is. maybe i'm just thinking about it too much (always thinking about it all too much). i guess it probably doesn't really matter. or does it? i wouldn't know. maybe just a weird day.
i've been on a bit more of a creative streak, too. i guess it activates parts of myself that go dormant for a while, and then i overthink those parts instead of whatever i was overthinking before. but i was playing with the morrowind construction set, trying to make a few silly things. then i remembered i wanted to try using the undertale mod tool, and so the past few days i've been trying to learn my way around that. and it gives me some ideas, and those ideas lead me to want to work more on my fangame thing. so i've been doing a lot of that, a lot of writing and planning too, and again, playing with the mod tool to see what i can do there. i don't know how it'll all work out. but it's good in some sense to be productive, i think. it feels good. it feels right. your mind races with the possibilities.
it makes me think a lot about undertale in general too. which is, a lot of feelings. still so many feelings. a lot of them are good feelings. and meaningful ones. it means so much to me. and i guess i crave that sort of meaning, so badly. so anything that can give it to me, i latch on to forever. and i create more of my own meaning out of it. all alone, in my little room, wherever it may be. it's all so beautiful, in a way. all the things i find so beautiful. i try to appreciate it when i can. whether it's undertale, or something else. you never know how long you'll be able to appreciate it. you never know when or what else might be taken away, or changed entirely. i don't know.
but i feel a strange sense of frustration writing this. i guess it's like, i want to say things better, but it's very difficult, or i'm not sure how, i'm not sure i have the energy to do it. it feels in some sense that what i say is redundant, or pointless, or unworthy. so much to express, but too tired to express it. but when i'm not tired, i don't express it. another catch 22 situation. seems like there's a lot of those. i wonder why that is.
well. maybe it doesn't matter. it's just a little tiring, being so lost and alone all the time. it's fine when you find things to do, things to create. but something always feels missing, and you're still kicking up sand. maybe once my little sandcastles start taking up more form, it'll be more clear somehow. or something else. i don't know. i never know anything.
maybe i just need to keep doing things and stop thinking so much about these things. or at least, stop thinking about them in this way, whatever that means. like, one thing, i only really think about how i don't have anyone to talk to when i deliberately focus on it. otherwise, it doesn't feel like anything. it's just once i start to fret and worry and wonder what i could possibly do that it becomes a problem. maybe not thinking about it is avoiding it though. but i don't know what else i could possibly do, at the same time, and maybe i really am just jeeving myself out. i already talk to some people. and other times, when i've talked to people more than this, it was actually too much and just overwhelmed me all the time. i mean, i guess theres surely some balance that's right for me. but i don't know what it is. i don't know what i want. i think it really comes down to that, for just about everything. i don't know what i want.
maybe i just have to search myself more. but i think so much already, is that not enough searching? maybe it's the wrong way. but what's the right way? i don't know. i'm just fumbling around hoping i might find something that works. but at least i'm not just lying on the ground, right? yeah. that's probably good. but it's still hard. i don't know. i don't know what i am, or what i need, or what i want, or what, i dont know, i dont know anything. it feels that way. i dont know. i gotta go to bed.
SATURDAY, MARCH 19th, 2022
i don't know how much i have to say this time, but i feel like i should write some before i do anything else today for some reason. otherwise, i might FEEL BAD. and we don't want to FEEL BAD, right? no. so i'll do it. well. i have a desk now. it's very nice, and it smells good, like wood. because it is wood. and i sanded it and stained it myself. and helped with the other parts. but at least a little bit of it, is my work. which feels nice too. i like it, and it enables full computer capabilities, which i also like. so i've done not much else other than GAMING for a while. it's a good feeling, but it can be a little excessive, so i must take some extended breaks. everything in its balance, even if there is not much to balance right now. but there will be, i'm sure. so just trying to enjoy the current juggle, as it were.
what's another random thought. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i like kinda-sorta being able to draw. when i was younger i would have never thought i would draw at all ever and figured i would suck eggs and draw stick figures if i ever drew at all for ever and ever. drawing seemed like another one of those impossible things that just was not given to me, so i wouldn't know the pleasure. but now that i've done enough drawing over time that i can sorta-kinda draw whatever random thing i'm thinking of, even if it sucks, it feels pretty good. weird, but good. i guess the idea of being a "good artist" that can ACTUALLY translate pretty much everything they think of to the page and not just "well here's some scribble that looks kind of like it", that's still kind of in the IMPOSSIBLE tier of feats in my head. but, you know, at least i got further than i ever thought i would. and it makes me happy to be able to do what i can. i guess i never expected either that my urge to create would get to a strong enough level to actually motivate me to do anything cool. but then it sort of happens, or starts to anyway. and it's a good time. seems pretty important, so i'll keep it around. who knows, maybe i'll actually DO something one of these days.
uhhh okay ONE more random thought. uhhhh i think it's pretty cool when media completely switches gears in some sense partway through (when done well of course). like i keep thinking about watching full metal jacket, and how when the second half started i genuinely wasn't sure if the movie was about to end or not, and then saw it was only halfway over. i was like god DAMN, that already felt like a whole thing, now there's more. and it's, uh, DIFFERENT, and stuff. that's a certified KINO moment, right there, i would say. and i liked the second half too, for the record. part of what makes the sudden shift so good is that it does feel necessary, like you need both parts for the completion of the whole or something. it was pretty cool. trying to think of a cool example too from a game or something. i guess half life 2 has this to an extent actually, with the citadel sequence. maybe that's a more liberal idea of a "gear-shift", but it evokes kind of the same feelings for me, so i think it's in a similar ballpark. same with half life 1 really and the part where you lose all your weapons, i love that. i don't even know entirely why but it just feels so cool, i guess these things just take you off guard and mixes stuff up in a really neat way. it's my Big Favorite.
okay i guess that's it. GOD i'm hungry. why do i go from "not hungry at all" to "physically weak and borderline delirious from starvation" near-instantly. this didn't used to happen. it's probably a SERIOUS HEALTH ISSUE. or maybe i just have a bad eating schedule. i don't know, it could be a lot of random things which are probably obvious but WAIT FUCK i got deja vu again writing this i swear this happened like 2 times already what the FUCK. stop FUCKING with me i'm being INTERDIMENSIONALLY GANGSTALKED. i swear to GOD i'm going to CLOBBER you scaley-green fucks back to FIFTH-DIMENSIONAL HELL. that's a serious and credible threat. well anyway i'm done now bye
MONDAY, MARCH 7th, 2022
it's Journaltime. i guess as much as i tried to plan otherwise it seems difficult for me to write unless i have something worth writing 50000000 textwalls about for hours. but it's fine, it's all good, i'm sure. well. i say that but i don't know if i really have much to write about now, even. i just, want to write. or try to. so i am.
i guess i've been playing a lot of skyrim. some new relevations i've been thinking about are that i think the dungeons are a lot better than oblivion's in a way, which i think is one of the few clear improvements i can think of with skyrim. they're a LOT more linear, which is a little gayer in a way, but they make up for it by being much more interesting most of the time than the hardcore copypaste dungeons of oblivion, even if skyrim does suffer from some copypaste shit too. but the dungeons are interesting enough that it brings back some of the joy of pure exploration you got from morrowind but not so much with oblivion because you knew every dungeon would suck DICK and BALLS in the worst possible way. but skyrim's dungeons are good enough that it does make it much more engaging to just explore or do the random "go into le dungeon and get thing" quests, which is a pretty good boost to its playability. i can see myself getting bored of the dungeoncrawling loop eventually though, which i think seems to be a common complaint from people anyway (every quest sending you into some dungeon and it gets tiring). but it's fun for now, you know. oblivion was similar in being a lot more fun for me in the first half of my playthrough and losing a lot of the cool aspects towards the end as you get used to everything, so it makes sense. also the other major thing with skyrim that has sunk in is that the quests and dialogue really SUCK a lot of the time. or at least, it seems to vary wildly in quality even more so than the other games, at least to me. sometimes i'll come across a quest that's kind of cool or interesting, maybe some dumb stuff here and there but it's cool overall, and then i'll do another quest that's like watching a made for TV movie and some parts are so bad it makes even me cringe. it's interesting, i wonder if the good ones are mostly just carried by the cool world they've already crafted, because the worst ones always seem to have to do with random town happenings and drama stories that could be in any generic fantasy story (keep thinking of the one with the burned down house and the guys family that died and the vampires and shit, it was so bad i could hardly even pay attention, it sucked so bad, UGH it sucked), but the cooler (not always great but better at least) ones usually have to do with something from the "lore", like the daedric quests i've done (which were also some of the coolest in oblivion by the way) or the gauldur quest i'm in the middle of that you can start just by finding some random book about the mystery (kinda cool, always wish there were more quests in any of the games that you could start just from finding stuff in a random dungeon).
but yeah, gaming thoughts. those are my gaming thoughts. during the hardcore gaming, of playing skyrim. wow, hardcore. otherwise with my likely temporary glut of free time, i've started playing a couple other random games never tried before. like DOWNHILL DOMINATION, for the ps2. i can't remember if i just found it in a thrift store or if a friend recommended it to me (probably this) but it's really Epic. i spent a good chunk of the day playing it when i first launched it up, i dunno what it is about the "riding things with wheels and doing tricks on them for points and maybe racing sometimes" genre of games but it's very addicting when it's good, there's something satisfying about it. Good Clean Fun, i would say. i like the character from Tonga the best, even though the characters have like 5 lines they cycle through randomly over and over somehow his never get old. THIS MUST BE A DREAM.
other game i started was medal of honor. did a couple levels so far. pretty cool game. still not used to console shooters but i think it's helping me get the hang of it. then maybe i can do goldeneye and perfect dark too without getting RAPED instantly. i was playing on hard difficulty with those for some reason, but you know.
uhhhh what else. there was a thunderstorm last night that was so bad it tore off some of the shingles and stuff on the roof. the power went out too for a while, although i was in bed by then. but it was loud! wind and thunder! scary! i never thought a storm could be so violent and loud. i guess i'm not used to it yet. but it's interesting. i guess i really just haven't been doing much though. feels like a "calm before the storm" still, as funny as that is to say with what i just talked about. ha ha ha. but you know, it's true. it's a weird mix of feeling like i should be doing something, but not being sure what to do, so just trying to savor and enjoy everything i can, but then feeling sort of weird because it seems like a waste, but a waste of what? just a lot of confusion. you'd think the confusion would be a little lifted by now, but it's kind of, not. maybe easier to deal with sometimes, a little. but it's still very confusing. well, it's alright. alright as things can be, dealing with such MIND PARASITES. but you take what you can get, you do what you can. you stay hydrated. which is one thing i DO, i'm good at that. well, sort of. i at least don't let myself get DE-hydrated, okay, i don't get the headaches anymore. soooooo, it's good. it's a win. always winning, except when i'm not, and i'm losing very badly. but that isn't all the time! you take what you can get. i guess that's all.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24th, 2022
another snowy day. another Shiney Night. it wasn't as cold this time though, so not as much ice, luckily. i think this is the right kind of weather i like. everything good about rain and snow, without being too cold where it becomes annoying. very nice day in that respect, i think. went out for errands a bit past sunset, i almost wanted to bring something to record but i didn't. i guess there's always next time. until there isn't.
well, i guess most of my news is GAMING NEWS. you like GAMING NEWS don't you? i finished a link to the past after playing on and off most days recently. i think i got most of the items and heart pieces, enough for my satisfaction anyway. very wonderful game, i wonder if i need more time to think about much more to say about it though. i'm BAD at VIDEO GAMES, somewhat of a CASUAL, albeit PERSISTENT, so a lot of things gave me trouble towards the later half. but it never got impossible or disgustingly unfair, and was always satisfying when i could finally beat each challenge, as a game like this should be. so it was cool. it had FUN, it had STYLE, it had GRACE. i enjoyed it. very SOLID game. i like when people use that to describe things. you can't cut through this game, it's like bedrock, in minecraft, it's SOLID. you've got a nice SOLID piece of equipment on your hands. yeah. oh and it has really cool music. i've still got some of the standout ones in my head a lot, like the CHURCH, the FOREST, and the DARK WORLD. but that's all i've got for that i think, for now.
other thing i've been playing now, is SKYRIM. oooh ho ho, look at me, i'm playing SKYRIM. the original version, no DLC, no mods. reason being, i've had it in my steam library from buying it in 2015 and playing a grand total of like 3 parts of the main quest, before quitting. forever. until now. another thing about that, which is RETARDED, is the fact that this original version as well as the DLCs are all unlisted from the steam store, i suppose to make sure you just buy one of the newer versions instead. in a way perhaps it makes sense, because they intend for the newer ones to be "better" and don't want to confuse customers any more than they already might be with 50 different versions on the store. but something still seems stupid about just making them completely invisible. maybe it's just one of those things where the whole situation is fucked up, so you don't know what would be better other than things being, uh, entirely different. how about just one version of skyrim, ever, and no re releases you have to pay again for? but even just typing that feels naive, like i just learned what microtransactions are. well, whatever. you win this one, TODD.
anyway, on to the game itself. also as a side note, i know i still haven't written much about oblivion and even morrowind i still probably have more thoughts on that i haven't put to the PAGE, but in my infinite particularity i will probably get to it eventually as i feel like it. makes more sense that way, i mean, i don't think i really intend to fully review every game i play in full as i play them like this is my Gamertube channel and you're subscribed and liked and favorited and five star-ed to me. i just write, what i feel, must be written. and SKYRIM, you see, is already somewhat of a thought provoking endeavor in this way.
i think it's almost hard to write about it in a sense, because of its strange meme status and superpopularity, which makes it actually more interesting to try for me. i guess maybe in the sense of, i find it interesting to look at things like this from the perspective of wondering why exactly it has such a wide and great appeal, and also in somewhat of an opposition to that, what about it do people never actually talk about that much, what gets buried underneath all of the arrows lodged in kneecaps, futanari sex mods, grumpy cats being visibly dismayed at the sight of dragons, and so on. what is skyrim.... REALLY like? woah, we're diving in DEEP, into this ULTIMATE MYSTERY. so mysterious of a mystery that even your high school gym teacher probably spent a couple hours investigating in on his son's playstation 3 before getting back to the work programs on his computer. work programs, designed for high school gym teachers.
well, this INVESTIGATION is still ongoing, as i haven't gotten too far into the game. but i've made a character, and done some questing and adventuring and other usual elder scrolls type activities, over the course of the past several days. so i have some thoughts. one of these thoughts being, dragons. thinking about..,,, dragons. every time i walk past one of those, STUPID, FUCKING RETARDS, that guard each major town and settlement in the beautiful land of Skyrim, home of the NORDS. but these BRAINDEAD MORONS, every time, every time i walk past them, they say some empty-headed, worthless, MENTAL-WASTELAND level remark, about DRAGONS, or something. i don't want to hear it. i'm sick of it. i will purposefully avoid your range of attention so that i don't have to hear another word about SWEETROLLS and DRAGONS.
but writing this, part of me wonders if perhaps this frustration is less of a fault of the game itself, less of a fault of the DRAGONS, and moreso being an effect of the SPECTRE of DRAGONS - the meme, the legend of these so called dragons, and dragonborns, and fus ro dahs, and sweetrolls and arrows and, whatever else. because, can you really fault the guards of this rural Nordic town for being a bit preoccupied with giant flying creatures of legend and ill-omen actually being, literally real and killing people and leveling towns and probably coming for your ASS next, at any moment. the most exciting thing that happened to these guys before this were probably, i don't know, killing a mudcrab or something that happened to wander near the town. nasty things. but now there's dragons! they can fly! and shoot, elemental magic! that's pretty terrifying. and all this prophecy legend stuff, wow that's pretty crazy. i'd be thinking about it too! but for ME, the PLAYER, i've been hearing about DRAGONS and this wacky hero that can SHOUT at people to kill them, since, uh, 2011. and a lot happens in that time. if the guards in skyrim had to be hearing about dragons from the news couriers all the time for over a decade, they'd probably be just as sick of it. and it doesn't help that the guys in the news pamphlet talking about it, they're all, you know, not the brightest. a bit of the old, "common rabble", you know. a bit more familiar with the tip of a blade than the pages of a book. but i'm sure some of them are fine fellows, you know. whatever. but DRAGONS, oh boy, the DRAGONS, they won't give it up. and then later they go on about these "mod" things, uh, for your... sword. mods for your sword. and all this weird stuff about the things they're doing with "mods" and uhhhhhh, okay this tangent is going on way too long and you get the point by now. i guess my serious thought about it is that part of me wishes i could have a truly unaffected look at this game as if it just game out yesterday. but in some sense it will always be clouded by these funny ghosts of dragons and arrows and things of that nature. but maybe it's not so bad. you don't even need silver to kill them anymore! don't you just feel so STREAMLINED?
and that STREAMLINING sure is BUTTERY SMOOTH. i almost don't even think i need to talk about that. i mean, you know how it is, streamlined, simplified, dumbed down, however you want to call it. but it's here, and it's SKYRIM, and it's DRAGONS. i think i accept that about this game in some sense. and it just makes me think about some things. like, it's clear that at the point of skyrim, the "elder scrolls" game has just become less of a SOLID idea, and more of, uhhh. a WEBBY idea. a thick, sticky, stretchy, WEBBY idea, that you can swing around and slap people with, and it gets all over your hands and doesn't come off until you take a shower. it's an ADVENTUREEXPLORERFUNTIME game, with light RPG elements. something like that. and, you know, it's not bad. so far. it took this long for you to get my simple opinion on something as obvious as the gameplay. but there it is.
or at least, part of it. there i go opening new tangents. but you know, it's not bad. okay? it's not bad! i don't even have any mods. it's not bad. it's not GREAT either. but most aspects of it, are decent. and it does keep me playing pretty good. which i think is interesting. because in some sense, it does retain the core of what makes elder scrolls cool and interesting, even if it's a weird, loose, gooey core, that gets under your fingernails. but it's got the exploring, the finding dungeons and fighting bad guys and other creatures for EPIC LOOTZ, and going to town for a quest or two, and then exploring again, going to dungeons, repeat, whatever other random things you do in between to spice it up. it's got that. so it's enough to keep you playing, it's enough to have, fun... but all of the individual parts of this formula, are simply decent, at best. none of the aspects of this game are truly DEEP, or EPIC, or CAPTIVATING, or whatever. but it does everything well enough, and puts it all together in a way that makes it feel fun to experience. in a way oblivion was sort of at a similar level here, which is a point i'd like to make clear at least even if i don't elaborate right now. but you know, that's the way it is for me. and i think it is interesting, for me, to think about a game that is just... okay. because in my head i often think about things like this as either "i dont really care about this" or "holy crap this is the GOTYAY (Game Of The Year All Years) (implying that it is the best game of all time)", for games or movies or whatever else. i think probably because i haven't experienced much in general and i only tend to really try things that i already have some obvious interest in (because doing things hard), so my scope is limited. but that's a whole different subject.
anyway, what else can i say for now. i don't know, i'm getting tired of writing this, so might need to break off this FIRST IMPRESSION for the time being. also it's like 1 am and i'm getting HUNGRY again, which means that in the span of about 5 minutes i go from "satisfied" to "literally starving and unable to focus on anything because of how FUCKING HUNGRY i am out of NOWHERE". i could eat, but it seems like a waste because i should just be sleeping anyway, and there's also the problem of there being a nonzero seemingly random chance that eating within about 5-6 hours of going to bed will give me digestive issues in the morning, because uhhhh fuck you retard, LOL. hopefully these are all just things that solve itself as you slowly pick up the autism puzzle pieces of your life and put it back together excruciatingly slowly. because if i didn't know any better, i might think my body just HATES me.
...well, i might know better. but that's something i'm still learning. another topic, for another time. yeah, yeah. well. i'm done now. oh wait also skyrim's music is nice actually, soule definitely brought the SOUL for this one. even if some of the tracks are a little too EPIC for my taste. which i guess is another thing in general about the game..... okay i'll leave that for later though, i have to stop now FOR REAL okay
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21st, 2022
ahoy there, sweet Scallywag, my old friend. come to me through land and sea, and look upon the CAPTAINS's LOG. and bring fresh fruit high in Vitamin C content with you, i have need of it.
feels like there's not much to say, but also a lot at the same time. i guess in some sense, my hour+ long "pacing back and forth thinking about things and talking to myself" sessions and the like lead to a weird sense of having a lot to write down, but also feeling somewhat unwilling to do it because you were just pontificating endlessly about it in your head not very long ago. that sort of thing really makes any expression or conversation i have weird sometimes, so i guess i'm used to it in a sense. but you know. makes me think also about a somewhat related subject, which is: there's a lot of stuff to think about in the world. and, you know, there's SO much of it, that sometimes you'll go a long time without thinking about something, or a whole breadth of things. and then it gets brought to your conscious attention again, and it's weird. you know? there's just so much to think about. so much, and you can only see so little of it at once, even if you're a maximally overthinking head-crammer like me. and that's kind of weird. don't you think? i'll give you 60 seconds to respond, in your own words.
okay, got it?
i'll give you more time if you need, there's no pressure.
okay, good. i'm glad you could take that time for yourself. your answer is quite satisfactory, whatever it is. well, anyway. i wonder if part of why it feels so weird is also just because of some particular way in which i think. i feel as though i often think about, well, thinking, as sort of a "building upwards" exercise, like it's "building up" to something, or some set of things, refining itself continuously towards some perfect understanding of things, which, while i may never reach such a place, i may at least get as close as possible. and, you know, perhaps that is overly perfectionistic, even with that understanding, however flimsy, that it probably won't result in anything more than "well, i think i know what's going on here, maybe". so maybe i should just relax a bit. i don't know. be some weights, lift my room, clean myself. that last one is a good idea, at least. but i already took a shower today.
and you know, in the shower i was thinking about some stuff too. as i do. thinking, thinking until the hot water runs out, and i leave because, i like the hot water, i don't want to be in cold water, it's cold! it's already cold enough here. you think i want to stand naked under some cold water? i don't. i don't care what the Science says! if i cared about that, i would have, uhhh, done a lot of things. like eat more fresh fruit, high in Vitamin C content. and you DID bring that for me, old pal, right? or have you come unprepared, to this place where Raving RANTS are made?
you don't really have to answer that one. but i got sidetracked. i guess what i was really thinking about, was something about artists and their art. specifically, the sort of thing you see sometimes where an artist acts intentionally destructive or scornful towards their own work, either straight up deleting it or otherwise showing varying degrees of disinterest or embarrassment over works people who follow them often enjoy for one reason or another, and attempt to continually reassure the artist on to no avail. you know what i mean. one thing i figure about it, is that when an artist is confronted with the aspect of their work being public or even just in existing in a world where it may be compared to other works, there seems to be two extremes of reaction to this that one must be cautious of. for one, there's the narcissistic reaction, "letting it go to your head", where someone feels more and more inflated by any and all attention they may get from their creation, or ideas that they're making something special and great, and more special and great than anything else, and probably losing some essence of "pure passion" in the process from this shift in motivation.
but on the other extreme, i think you have the sort of reserved, introverted, "self hatred" type of reaction. where the artist struggles to deal with even the very idea of a single pair of eyes being directed towards their art, in usual self-hatred or insecurity fears like "it's not good enough", "they'll know i'm horrible because of this", or "it just feels bad to think about". i think the more people a person has following them, the more likely this is going to affect that person, in more and more mind-fucky ways that they don't understand how to deal with. this is probably also what leads to things like an artist known for one hyper-popular thing becoming haunted by this thing and struggling to deal with the consequences of such rare situations. or well, i think that particular thing is not really a "self hatred" extreme thing, but i meant that it's just another unexpected effect of "people see my shit", you know.
i don't know if i have a point with all of that, just something i was thinking about. because it's fun, you know, it's fun to think. why else would i do it? it's not like i gave another reason for why just a short while ago. but uhhhhhh. i think that stuff makes me think also, how it relates to me in some sense. because, you know, maybe i'm not always at the extreme but i think i understand self hatred sort of stuff very deeply, or at least in my own ways, even if i think it's one thing i'm slowly becoming more able to deal with. luckily. but it's always something i need to think about, i think. and it makes me wonder, i mean, what if there is stuff i have that i should just delete, or totally revise, or something? like i was thinking about the "about" page earlier, is what i've wrote there even necessary, is a lot of what i've wrote everywhere even necessary? is it overkill, is it stupid, is it LE CRINGE? i don't know. it's like, i do value preservation greatly, of course. i don't like to get rid of anything really, i'm sentimental to a fault as well. but i also know, you know, sometimes things just suck. and if someone really cares about something, they're always going to find a way to get it. so maybe it doesn't matter too much, as long as you've got a fine attitude about it. that probably goes for many things, really. a lot of these things, even the sort of "narcissism/self hate dichotomy of extremes" thing i was talking about earlier for example, i think they permeate a lot of things in different ways, or manifest in things on all levels, or there's some connection of similar subjects and things everywhere. maybe that's kind of random to say, but i don't know, i feel compelled to say it. it's important, i think. or maybe it's just a cloud of overcomplicated nonsense that takes away from the TRUE interpretation of life. which is, to Live, to Laugh, and most importantly, to LOVE. you know, LOVE. not the acronym. just capitalized, for emphasis.
well i think i've gone on enough for one day, or perhaps for one lifetime. i'm sure i've long passed that point. but it's always fun to keep going. you understand, my sweet little landlubber. there's no one else i'd rather be swashbucklin' with. and don't you forget it. well, happy sails. is that the right term? i'm sure it doesn't matter. a pirate does what he wants, because, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15th, 2022
HI. that's the abbreviation for the state of Hawaii. there are lots of pineapples there (probably). not a lot here. i haven't seen any. but i also haven't really been looking.
feels like there isn't much to say. not much i've been doing either, anyway. bit of a slow, strange patch. which is expected, you know. but i think i'm fine, for now. i finished everything in oblivion, and kind of don't have much else to do with it. i'll probably write about it some more at a later time. but for now, it just is bringing me to another "i don't know what to play :(((((((" crossroads, and makes me realize i often don't know what to do with my time and it takes a lot of energy and deliberation just to decide on and get myself to play a simple game, let alone doing anything else. classic predicament, of course, of course. at this point i suppose it's just a mundane expectation that i will find immense difficulty in doing anything, finding myself at a desk, looking ahead at the wall, and not knowing what to do or having any particular drive one way or the other. just another day, you see. it's almost just a part of the process of life for me, it makes sense in my head that i will just be sitting around for an hour or 5 not doing anything but idly browsing or whatever before i can do anything else at all. and, uh, i'm still not sure what to do about that. at least it isn't so distressing anymore. i'll keep you posted if i get any ideas.
and i guess on the subject of "you". that's another thing that i go long stretches without thinking about, but was only really reminded again recently. but uh, this is public. a random person could see this if they found it. that's obvious i know but, if this makes sense, the implications of such things almost sort of slips my mind as i get more used to doing it or involved in other aspects of life. maybe it's also some slow change in perspective or something, like i care less and less if people see things online. or it's a sort of isolation thing, talking to less and less people making me think in a more socially-distant manner. i know i said i moved in with someone, but aside from my pal here, and my pal Up Here (referring to my head, it's chara, chara inside my head), i barely talk to anyone at all lately. not like i ever talked to many people at all, ever. but even online i go quite a while sometimes without having any substantial conversation with anyone else, and don't even really notice either. because i guess i'm used to it, especially if i have at least something to occupy me otherwise. or in this case, someone i'm around most of the time who i feel rather comfortable with.
and that makes me think also, maybe this is all you need? or if it isn't, how many people do you actually need to talk to or interact with? is there some magic number? maybe it's just a more intuitive thing, like if you think about it as a concern at all then that means there's something you could adjust. i don't know. i've worried about this sort of thing a lot over the years, so i guess maybe i still haven't found the "right balance". i think maybe it could just have something to do with my powerfully immense social ineptitude in many areas, which despite my good fortune in circumstance at least to some extent still makes it difficult or impossible to have everything in a good and healthy order because i'm still not very good at navigating social things on principle. if that makes sense. like most of the personal relationships i do have right now are kept going not by any social skills on my part but just from getting lucky with people who i happen to get along with well enough and who are forgiving enough of my social retardation and other problems. but otherwise, i mean, i think i fuck up a lot of things that make most interactions i have with people taper off about as quick as they start. for example, i think i don't understand well yet how to "maintain" a friendship or even a simple interaction. i'm not good at speaking without being spoken to in active social situations, and especially online i think this also manifests as not being sure of what to say to people a lot, or to keep messages going without being messaged first about something. overthinking what i could say, or just being scared that i'll annoy someone or say something stupid. things like that. and of course, there's i think a slew of non-verbal "social knowledges" of sorts that i just have not grasped yet, because i'm so utterly inexperienced and crippled by various strange mind-worms and other fun parasites. sometimes i think of it like being autistic, but without actually being autistic. just a complete lack of experience in youth, hitting me hard all at once every time i try to say "what's up". and that's No Good.
well, anyway. i guess this social stuff is something i've thought about and written about many times. but those are some of my current thoughts. maybe it's time to take the old therapist's advice and go to uhhh, pottery class or something. or go to church. or join my local Gamers Who Love Femboys and Undertale discord and get involved with the latest high-school drama and twitter meme spam sessions, or whatever else they do in discord servers. i don't know! but i guess that's all i've got. i wish i had more grape juice.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10th, 2022
don't want to get too lazy with the journaling already here, but i guess i have been a little busy, at least yesterday. because my stuff finally came, so i've been taking it out and trying to put it away since then. computer is fine, though we are yet to build a desk or anything for it. my precious drawings, haphhazardly strewn across the desktop, are safe. and all the other stuff too, on there. for now. uhhh, what else. i dunno. it's cool being a conscious being. don't you think it's cool being a conscious being, too? assuming you are one, probable-human reading this. it's cool, except when it's not. but let's focus on the positives. just thinking about weird things like that lately.
uhhh okay last thing, what about some GAMING NEWS. still not done with oblivion yet, i finished shivering isles and am gonna try doing the knights of the nine stuff too actually because at this point why not. thinking i'm gonna play skyrim or at least try it, it feels exciting in a way because of the perhaps naive thought of "wow more elder scrolls" but then i realize it might be really Gay so then i feel weird about that. well i have it, so i will at least try it i think. i'll be honest and say i probably have pretty low standards for enjoyment even if i can recognize that things kind of suck, so i might end up sinking in time into it even if it is indeed quite Gay. we'll see. also, since i got my switch again now i tried playing breath of the wild after not playing it since it came out years ago (and even then i didn't get very far). taking a second look now, it is interesting, but also after playing elder scrolls and learning more about what an "open world RPG" is sort of like, it's somehow even more jarring than it already was that a zelda game has shit like weapon durability and random loot and stamina bars and crafting and things like that. it's like SKYRIM but with ZELDA's. if i do keep playing it i'll probably have to do it at a time where i'm not already playing games similar to this. maybe worth it though, there's certainly something cool about it.
well okay i guess that's it. drinking some grape juice. it's pretty good. okay bye
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7th, 2022
been doing a lot (relatively) on the site lately, which is good. feels good. but it makes me tired. many things make me tired. but it's okay, i think. made a dreams page to put some dreams i have lying around somewhere more useful, and pleasant. i even figured out how to make a little index thing that links to each individual date easily. i'll probably put one on this page too, but that's something for another day.
finally went out today also, since the ice has mostly melted enough for it to be reasonable. went out to eat and ran some errands. nothing special but it felt nice. it's cold, though. i'm not used to the cold yet. but i'm sure it won't be so bad, i'm already learning how to deal with it better anyhow. also, still no boxes coming in the mail, but i'm sure they will be here soon. maybe tomorrow. things are good, i think. feels like a sort of peace, a rest before things start to get hard again. i try to cherish it. it all passes, like everything does, the good and the bad.
that's all i feel like saying.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 5th, 2022
i had some CHOCOLATE CHIP and PECAN COOKIES today. it was pretty good. yesterday i watched DEMOLITION MAN. it was alright, i think. not exactly what i expected somehow, but not bad. not much else to say. still ICED UP. seems like it will be until monday at least before any of my stuff gets here. yeah. i guess i'll play some oblivion or something and go to bed.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4th, 2022
it SNOWED outside. wow. i've never lived somewhere it SNOWS before. i've visited places, yes, but never where i live does it ever snow. only in rare freak situations. but now it does. that's kind of cool. except, we tried to go out yesterday, but the roads weren't plowed yet and it was much too precarious. even took a while just to get the ice off the car. i didn't know there were this many difficulties at times like this, in the winter. but i guess now i do, you know, we learned something. some things. so it's worth it. but i like snow, i like this sort of weather, at least to look at i from inside. it's pretty, to me. even just a cloudy day really, is perfect. that's actually the best kind of day, i think. just cloudy, to the point where it covers the entire sky. but it's not too cold, or uncomfortable. just cloudy. maybe a little rainy, for some extra spice. but otherwise, that's the best, i think.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2nd, 2022
not sure how to start this one. i don't mean i have anything HORRIBLE or SCANDALOUS to share with you or anything. it's just another day. i'm just, you know, generally not good at starting things. even things, i've started, hundreds of times before. thousands. i've written a lot of journal entries. uhh, but i guess that's not important. all you see are these, now. let's think about the present.
or maybe the past. well, a little bit of the past anyway. i've been thinking, even though i said i wouldn't bother, maybe it's necessary to write at least a bit generally about how things have progressed for me recently. mostly because attempting to write anything at all about what i'm actually doing every day is proving very difficult without mentioning these things. so, i guess i'll try to do that.
in my Mental Illness Escapades, i've met several internet people, some of them luckily being pretty cool. one of them happened to be a guy i fell into a relationship with. or maybe it was meant to be. regardless, things progressed, and in a shocking twist that no one would expect, i managed to leave my family home to visit him. and then again, and another time, for a long time. and now i'm moving in. and that's funny, because usually these online relationships don't get this far, nor do they seem to work out very well at all, much less for weirdos like me. and i guess there's still always the chance for some kind of critical failure. but on most accounts, it seems to be going well. and sometimes i'm not sure how to feel about that, or anything, really. but with how absurd my life has been even before this, i suppose i'm almost just used to it at this point. in every true weirdo's life, they come to the inevitable point where they think to themselves the realization, "well, i guess this is just the way it is, isn't it". no matter how good it gets, or how bad it gets, it's just going to be weird and messed up and most people are going to look at you all confused, and that's just the way it is. and you know, it's not so bad. in a way, it's as good as it gets around these parts. but i guess that's always going to be up to you to decide.
well, anyway. in terms of some other things that this all means. for one, i suppose i don't really HAVE to get a job for several reasons, which on its own is quite the lucky break. but i'll probably end up at least trying to get a part-time job anyway, or at least find some sort of work or way to make my own money, for other various personal reasons and really just to try it, because i think i should at least have to try things like this. that's something else i could go on about that is becoming increasingly clear, for all things. otherwise, regarding the other immediate aspects of living, my physical things are being shipped here and we're in the process of organizing a true living space along with that. it's a real house here, out in the farmland, which is another thing that feels almost strange how nice it is to have. i'll get a car soon as well, which is a little nerve-wracking as much as it will be useful, because i get very anxious driving and have not been doing it very much since all of this started. but i suppose it will be fine. probably.
i guess that's a well enough description. it's weird because at this point, i'm not really sure what exactly to do. i suppose i just have to discover or latch on to some kind of purpose, which i have a feeling must be something about continuing down the artistic path. and aside from that, i guess just learning how to live, how to "grow up", or something. that seems to be a big theme lately. because, really, i haven't started these things yet, for real. and of course, i'm not very good at starting things. it's just funny looking back, thinking about this sort of slope into "percieved adulthood" that i've been pushed ever so slowly into, with all the resistance and avoidance i could muster at every step of the way, only now truly even being close to taking an upward direction instead, to even start actually doing any of these things at all, and not just doing it begrudgingly only to sneak back to my comfort as soon as the watching eyes are gone. in a way though, maybe it is still somewhat begrudgingly performed. but i've also begun to learn that sometimes, the only way to truly understand why you would do something at all is to experience it, and its positive effects that you couldn't just reason at a distance with no other understanding. like having a living space in order, things in their proper place, in a less instantly-gratifying but more reasonable and clean location. you can have someone telling you to do these things all day but you don't truly understand how much it helps to have things in order until you know what it's like for things to be in order. something about sour grapes i guess.
it just, again, is weird to think about. in my head, i'm still only a kid and only just starting to "grow up" in any sense of the phrase. but really, the process of everyone around me trying to force me to be an adult through expectations started years and years before now. i guess maybe you could say it was something like the time around having to get a learners permit and then a license as soon as it was allowed to me at 15. that seems right, because it wasn't just that but i think that's generally around the time where the kid things i would normally do all the time, that i was used to, began to become a "problem" for the people around me rather than something expected, and i guess in a way to a normal person it probably did become worrisome, as the other thing that happened was a sort of "compression" of things, seeing kids from church less, going outside less because your siblings go out less and there's less for you to do, everything outside of your room less because you can do it much easier, much more comfortably, inside your room. and getting my own room certainly solidified that, now it's your space, now you never need to leave to do what you like. and that, i suppose, is when "childhood" transitions into "a problem". and, well, you know how it goes from there.
to get back to the present, i guess i can finally just write down what i did today. feels like it was a lot of time and energy to write this for some reason, but i think it was helpful. just gotta wrap it up, in a nice little bow. so we went out to pick up some groceries in the morning, and a couple other places i haven't been before. one was a consignment store, which was very interesting actually. some good stuff there i wasn't expecting, like an actual vintage icebox. and the coolest thing, a big cabinet that opens up with a reel-to-reel tape recorder and record player built inside. they said it was donated from someone who had a recording studio in kentucky, and that it was tested and working. it's unfortunate that it's probably too large and expensive to justify getting it, at least right now. but it was certainly really cool to look at and play around with it a little. they had some twilight zone DVDs though, which i bought. i also saw a box for a mid-2000s era digital camera, but it was empty save for some booklets and an AV cable. sad!
other place we went to was some big variety store, with things from hardware supplies, to furniture, to soap, to guns, and a little deli to eat at. and a gumball machine. a very, large, gumball machine. and they had some special sodas in glass bottles, which we had actually been trying from other places and talking about lately. so we got one each. they were a bit old, apparently not selling too well. but i thought mine was good, and still mostly carbonated. it was some kind of black cherry flavored soda. very nice.
it also rained quite a lot. i suppose the weather might get even more wet and perhaps snowy soon. i guess we will see.
and i guess that's it really. kind of winded down at the end here. a real journey. a Quest for the Ages. well alright. it's over now. i guess i'll play some video games or something. (oblivion elf voice) Good day
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 1st, 2022
second entry. it's rather late, i ended up playing oblivion for quite a while today again. feels like it's much more exciting exploring the shivering isles areas somehow, perhaps just because it's now new to me, and the dungeons and caves and such inside haven't become repetitive yet, or there aren't enough for them to become such. well, anyway. i guess there's not much to say for today, but there should be no surprise there as previously discussed. i GAMED, i ATE FOOD, i DRANK WATER, and then GAMED SOME MORE. nothing much more important than that. a month ends, and another begins.
also, i wanted to write these at night instead, but as you can see perhaps it would be better to err on the side of doing it in the morning and writing about the day before. not sure yet, i guess it could change depending on how things go each day. well, ending it here. (oblivion elf voice) Be seeing you
SUNDAY, JANUARY 30th, 2022
first entry here. on this page. i won't get too particular about playing catch-up like i usually tend to do after an absence of journaling, because there's really no point in something like that and just burns me out before i even start. a timeline of sorts seems more suitable for that sort of thing, which i already sort of have lying around my computer as a project but haven't updated it in a while. regardless, that's just for fun anyway and isn't really necessary for a journal. i'll just start from here. today. uuhhh, january. the thirtieth. of twenty-twenty-two. or two-thousand and twenty-two. however you prefer.
it's morning now though, which means there's nothing really about today that is anything different from any other day, yet. i can talk about yesterday, though. and Recently. and In General. but not too General. i said i wouldn't get too General. but i watched a movie last night, "one flew over the cuckoo's nest". lately every so often i've been jotting down movies that seem interesting to me whenever i remember them or hear them mentioned, and then i watch them some nights before i go to bed as something to do. you know, because before recently i never appreciated film very much or watched any. but i think the more i watch films that appeal to me, the more i realize i just never watched any good ones or ones that caught my interest at all. most of the movies i've been watching are also kind of "the classics" and not too obscure, which i think if anything seems to be a good of a place as any to start. i mean, it makes sense. and at least some of them certainly appear to be popular and well-regarded for a reason, including the one i watched last night, i would say.
but anyway, as for what i thought about the aforementioned CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE, i don't know if it's very meaningful to drone on about it but i can say at least a few things. because, you know, i feel like language is insufficient sometimes to really express how i feel or what i get out of something like this, or it feels like it can never do what i'm trying to express justice, never any better than just experiencing the thing itself. but i've sort of written about that before, gone over it in my head a million times, you know. i think you get what i mean though. i'm assuming you are, who-ever reads this. you're intelligent, you have a big brain, and i trust you.
well uh, okay, the movie. "one flew over the cuckoo's nest". it was very beautiful to me, and in some sense it almost seems strange that it does. there are times where it almost seems like a big joke comedy movie, and all the characters are sort of these weird caricatures of mental patients with their own quirks to let you know they're "wacko boingo insane" or whatever else, i mean, it's obviously not incredibly realistic in that sense. but i also don't think it really has to be. there are times too though somehow where it's very uncomfortable, particularly the scenes where something upsetting to someone happens and it spirals affecting everyone and causing this chaos of yelling and screaming and things like that, and it feels very visceral and real somehow, or at least gives you that feeling of things that are. maybe reminding you of something, even if it's just a movie. but it's very, good at doing that i suppose. seems almost obvious what i'm saying but uhhh, you know. i felt a lot of things from this movie. i guess that's really what i'm trying to say, in my overexplained meandering way.
i was thinking also, i think this is one of those movies that felt beautiful to me at times just from the visual and atmospheric experience alone even aside from anything that was "happening", if that makes sense. there are many shots and scenes that felt deeply meaningful or emotional or beautiful to me just from things like, the scenes when they're driving a bus and going out to the docks for example, seeing what there is to see after so long inside, or when they're having the christmas party late at night in the facility, all dim and moody and empty at night. there's something about parts like those that are beautiful not just in a visual sense, but in, again, some kind of "atmospheric" sense, or some kind of holistic sense maybe is a good word for it, the way it all comes together. not just the immediate context of the scene, but the broader context, the idea of these moments and these characters being just part of some larger world, some larger whole. as they dance and drink and have their conflicts and resolutions inside the walls, cars outside are driving past just as they always do, people going about their lives, everything going on just as it does. i don't know if even that explains it completely, but it's the sort of thing that is intensely meaningful and beautiful to me, and i think i got a lot of that out of this movie. maybe i was just in the right mood, or perhaps there really is something about it all that lends itself to that sort of meaning. perhaps it doesn't really matter, as long as it is.
but yeah. i don't know if i have much else to say about it. that feels like the most important thing to say, so anything else feels like a sort of addendum somehow. but there are many things more to appreciate about it, i think. i'll stop there though, so i don't exert myself too hard here. very good movie. actually, i suppose one more important thing to add is about the ending. it's kind of a whole mess of emotions for me, but something about it hits me really hard, it made me cry a little. and not even in the sense of "sad ending, cry now" but more in just how it all comes together and wraps itself up and connects to everything that happened, it's all very artistically beautiful to me in a way that i don't know if i've seen in a movie so far. i think that's one of the most important things to me about it too. i think it might be one of my favorite movies i've seen so far now. we'll see if that changes any in the future. very good, regardless.
anyway. i guess i couldn't stop myself from making the first entry into my usual great big wall of text. but, you know, it was mostly thoughts about the movie. i finished oblivion's main quest (as well as the other side questlines before that) the other day as well and it's something i want to write about more perhaps, but probably not today. i still want to do the DLC things anyway first, or at least the shivering isles. but again, that's later. i guess that's all i have for now then. next one will be short i swear. okay (oblivion elf voice) Bye