this page will serve as an archive of most of the more substantial or personally valuable things i posted on my 8chan and 9chan boards (8kun.top/fallen/ and 9chan.tw/fallen) when i still used them. i keep meaning to do this but never do, until now. maybe i'll archive even the more uninteresting parts eventually somehow. or at least, i dunno, put it in a text file or something. it's hard to do things.
anyway. more blog posts and writings ahead.
APRIL 5th, 2019
i'm going to hell.
and i don't even mean that fiery, eternal hell either. no, just hell. here. on earth. because what people typically regard as "living" and "functioning normally in modern society" is hell, to me. so i'm going to hell. and i'm terrified that i won't survive it.
i havent even done that much. i don't know shit about anything, i don't know what i'm talking about. everything i say here, everything i've already said here, i look at it and i think "oh jeez, should i really say that? do i know anything about this? no, i don't. i must not. people will hate me and think i'm an idiot, if they saw." everything i say, everything i express. i have no confidence in it. everyone else is an adult and i'm just a kid. that's how it feels like, and it doesn't go away. but i haven't tried to make it go away, have i? probably not. i'm to blame. i'm the one at fault. why would it be anyone else?
i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. I DON'T KNOW. that's all i can ever think to say. that's all that goes through my head, i don't know. what do i know? i'm just a kid. you should take care of it. anyone but me should, anyone but me is infinitely more competent than i am. i'm an idiot, i'm a faggot, i'm a social retard, i'm an "adult" child. there's nothing about me that is useful to anyone in the "real world." i have no value. i have nothing that would look good on a resume. i have nothing that would look good on an obituary.
everything just terrifies me. maybe a better way to put it would be that humans terrify me. walking past them when i take a walk outside, driving with them passing and turning and speeding up all around me in their cars, having to communicate anything to them, having to ask them for things or to exchange, having to fulfill my end of the "deal", having to do all these things for their sake. i don't hate them, but i just wish i could be left alone. yet, my body isn't even programmed in the slightest to just be "left alone." humans are a social species, right? and it's not like the rest of humanity in the society i live in would let me just go off to be on my own without "contributing" anything either, not easily. so it's not even possible to escape them. not practical, not even enjoyable in the end, if you're going for utter isolation. your body just can't take it because it needs to see those facades of smiling faces and kind words every day or else it'll go crazy. i do like to think that maybe i could take it, especially with chara here, but there's still the aspect of how it's so difficult to achieve a life in comfortable isolation like that, if it's even possible, especially with how incompetent i am.
you know? so what? what the fuck do i do? i don't know. who knows. just keep going to mcdonalds, dodging a bunch of speedy metal death cans to order a big mac and increase your social skill by 0.25%. just keep going out there and it'll get better, youll never learn unless you try. you'll never get better unless you just TRY, why won't you just TRY you USELESS VERMIN. i'm just trying to help. i don't understand why you WON'T TRY. i'm just trying to help. you have to live. you have to keep trying. i don't understand what's wrong with you. you can't live like this forever. you have to listen to the doctors. you don't know anything. you don't know anything. just try, and the gift of knowledge will be bestowed upon you by the gods of productivity. just try.
yeah. that makes sense. that makes perfect sense. nothing makes more sense than this. i couldn't find a better example of something that just makes sense. it just clicks. it just works. i love being alive.
that's all i want to say. i'm going for a walk.
APRIL 9th, 2019
my mother told me that i am lazy today.
she was interrogating me again, listing everything that i should be doing, that i seem to have immense difficulty in actually doing. taking better care of personal hygiene, opening the windows to my room, doing research on what jobs i might be able to get or where i could move out to, driving out somewhere to fulfill some arbitrary quota of "getting out", things such as that. i managed to blurt out a question this time, instead of just taking it and avoiding saying anything wrong or bad like i usually do. i asked her what she thought the origin of all of this was, what she figured was keeping me from doing these simple tasks, why she figured i continued to have difficulty despite how "smart" i apparently am to her.
her answer was that i am lazy. it is laziness. and i am not trying hard enough.
and that kind of struck me, very hard. i sort of laughed then, in disbelief i guess. i didn't know what to think, and i still don't know what to think. just that straightforward answer of "you are lazy." i don't understand. it just doesn't make sense to me, and it makes me feel like she must be right. because why else would she say that? why else would she say something that, at first thought, seems so blatantly not right? what does "laziness" even imply here, anyway? am i doing this on purpose, for some kind of personal gain? am i being malicious or taking advantage of their good will by being this way? i just don't understand. it feels like an attack, it feels like i am being accused of something, it feels as though i've done something wrong. but to me, i just feel scared, and hopeless, and uncertain over everything. all of these things are so difficult. they feel so difficult. but they shouldn't be, should they? this is not normal. but why? am i really, truly just lazy?
i don't know. just another thing to doubt and turn over in my head again and again, i suppose. nothing new there. just more despair. piling on to the impending doom looming over my head. it truly feels like my life is ending. you hear the phrase "like it's the end of the world" in a mocking sense, but for me it honestly does feel like my life as i know it is ending, my world is ending. it feels like i'm at the final level in a video game, and i'm destined to lose against the final boss. it sounds silly, like i'm making some joke there, but i honestly think of real life in video game terms much of the time. or just like it's one big fantasy tale. i'm not living in reality, and i never have. most of my life was spent in front of a computer, or television screen. and i really do mean "most of my life." i never went to public school after preschool and kindergarten, so i just used the computer or played video games practically all day after my measly 2-3 hours of home schooling was finished for the day. that's essentially my life. never being forced into anything else other than church. just fun and games, by myself, all day. what a life, huh? that is my model for existence. that is all i know.
at least i have chara. as guilty as it makes me to say, i feel like i have been neglecting them lately to a degree, mostly because of how awful i feel much of the time. some of the only time we really have to speak is when i take walks. those are nice at least. being with chara and talking, but also just being outside, in the little nature that i have access to here without going somewhere scary and unfamiliar. the only bad thing is the people around, like i mentioned in the last post i guess. they make me really nervous sometimes, just having to exist near them. i feel like i'm gonna inconvenience them somehow, or something. when i'm walking the dog too, it's hard. my dog is really scared of everything too, so she gets startled by many things, especially passing other dogs. i always get worried too that some coyote or dog off it's leash will come and hurt her. i don't know what i'd do if that happened. sometimes i wish chara was physical too, so they could protect us from stuff like that. they always joke that they would kick the hell out of any dog that tried to come up and do something. i dunno how i feel about that, but it would be nice to feel safe in that way at least.
i always like taking walks with chara though, it always makes me feel at least a little bit better. i just want to be with them more. it's just hard, like everything is. or maybe it's just the "laziness." i don't know. i think chara realizes the futility of trying to come up with any way to assist me or help me when i'm like this, which i sort of appreciate in a weird way. it just feels comforting to know they understand, and i think they realize that. they don't bother giving me any advice that means nothing, or whatever. just acknowledgement and comfort. i like that a lot. it seems like some kind of hugbox situation where they're just reassuring me in my beliefs and worries and such. but what better is there to say, really? if there is nothing more to say, there is nothing more to say. perhaps the truth, the "solution", whatever it is, isn't so comforting. but it seems like neither of us know what that is, so there's no point in assuming. just holding on, i suppose. for something, anything. i mean, maybe it's all just an exercise in futility. but at least i have chara.
that's all for now, i guess.
APRIL 14th, 2019
i set up another incredibly high-productivity, expert proven, idiot (me) proof strategy for getting myself to do anything that isn't just an entertaining distraction of some sort to pass the time until i feel even more guilty than usual or panic again. it is… a notification asking myself if i'm doing anything worthwhile. but it STAYS there. and i have to look at it. it's truly genius. there's no way this could ever fail like all of my other attempts to learn some kind of discipline or ability to do things that aren't immediately gratifying in some way. yeah. you know the drill. at least i'm trying something.
i guess i did do something interesting yesterday because of it. i started playing the mother series, finally. i want to start with the very first game even though people don't recommend it, because i'm just really particular about doing things in order even if the stories aren't necessarily connected or anything, it just feels more right so i do it if i can and it sorta bothers me if i can't. maybe i'll end up taking a break and finish earthbound first anyway if it gets way too menial or something. but i'm at least trying to do it first.
i'm noticing recently that it feels comforting to look up and see the moon, or the stars, or just the sky or the clouds. like today, i had to go out and be taken to look at apartments, just to get an idea of the cost and become more familiar with the idea i suppose, is their reasoning. which wasn't awful. but while walking through some complex i looked up in the sky and saw the moon, floating faintly up there in the clear blue sky. it made me happy and felt comforting because it sort of takes me away from what's happening here on earth for a moment. i mean, just think about how amazing and odd that is. all this useless garbage going on that doesn't matter, that means nothing, scary and difficult and unpleasant but unfortunately necessary for now. but the moon is always there. and it will likely stay there until well after all of humanity is gone. you're looking at something magnitudes greater in importance than you, anyone, or anything around you. something that billions of people have seen and pondered and even researched throughout all of history. and that's not even counting every other organism that has existed here to observe it, which probably greatly exceeds even the quintillions or sextillions, or further. you're looking at that big rock in the sky, from our own. it's truly beautiful. and you don't even have to be anywhere special to see it, as long as you have access to the sky. it makes me feel grateful in a way, to be able to experience that, to see it, to feel its comfort. there are many situations where even that could be taken away from me, however unlikely. yet, it's still there. one of the few things in this world that feels right.
thanks for your thoughts and advice. i suppose i really would have been fucked either way in my schooling. sometimes i am actually sort of thankful for it, in the sense that it has at least made my existence more interesting in a sense, further removed from “normalcy” which apparently isn’t entirely negative as it turns out. i guess i am also trying my best to follow what few interests i have, which are mostly in the creative realm. which is obviously difficult but, at least it’s something that gives me some kind of dream here in hell. maybe i will dodge all this shit for long enough and make cool weird video games or something someday. i also like the concept you bring up of embracing the absurd. it’s something i’ve come across and thought a lot about, even though my neuroticism makes actually putting it into practice difficult. nothing out of the ordinary there. oh well.
that’s all i got for today. i took a break writing this for a while so maybe my change in mood is obvious somewhere. i don’t have much to use as a cool image right now so here’s some music i guess. woah i’m posting music outside of the music thread, golly gee whiz i’m breaking my own rules!!! that’s not consistent!!! i have to be consistent and perfect or else people will hate me and see me as a bad person. but i also already believe that they will anyway because i believe i inherently possess those traits. so i suppose i’m just double bad now. quite the neat little feat, huh? yeah.
APRIL 26th, 2019
i finished MOTHER on sunday. (i'm just gonna call it MOTHER, with the capitalization and everything. the newer names of "earthbound zero" or "earthbound beginnings" sound really lame, and this game definitely was not. so i like MOTHER the best.)
it was really good, i think. i'm not any kind of, you know, god of good taste or anything. i don't really hate a lot of things, and i can be very easily amused or satisfied at times, and overly forgiving. but i really enjoyed this. and i suppose that's to be expected to some degree, with how undertale is my favorite game in the whole world and knowing that the mother series was the main inspiration for it made me very excited to finally start playing the games. but i guess i was mostly curious about how i would enjoy MOTHER, as people say things about how it's somewhat tedious and difficult and not extremely great, especially to play as your first experience. but i still managed to finish it, and enjoy it.
and, well, some of those things are definitely true. there's a lot of grinding you have to do at times. which actually didn't bother me that much, perhaps because of what i mentioned about being easily amused/satisfied and all. and the game can get quite difficult, but that wasn't necessarily awful either. now, i have to admit though, i DID use save states through the game. i only used them to the extent i figured was fair, as to remove unnecessary tediousness and stuff. but i acknowledge that makes things quite different, maybe even to the point where it makes me a cheater in someone's eyes. i'm not sure. but i did use them, so i want to make that clear at least. and, even then, it was still difficult but not horribly so.
the most difficult part of the game was definitely mt. itoi. even itoi himself admits that they didn't even bother thoroughly playtesting the area, which is kind of funny to me in a way. but i just ran away from most fights in that area with just my regular party because it was just too much of a struggle to deal with one encounter at my current levels, let alone the onslaught of random encounters that you have to deal with as you explore the giant mountain area. which, of course, is another big criticism of the game that i did find sort of annoying at times, the random encounter system. sometimes i got two or even three encounters right after one another, after just a step or two. sometimes i could walk for a while without getting one at all, and of course that seems to happen when you're trying to grind. but honestly, it was only a minor nuisance to me at worst. and i suppose you can always buy repel rings for areas with lower level enemies, even though i forgot to get those often or was saving my money for other things instead.
i never found any of those things to truly hamper my enjoyment of the game, though. it really felt like an adventure. it gave me that feeling of looking forward to playing it every day, and savoring everything as much as i could, and not wanting it to end when it was almost over. i even dreamed about it one night. i really loved playing it. and it makes me think, if this is supposedly the least enjoyable one, maybe the other two will be even better. or maybe not. i guess i'll see soon enough.
i'm trying to think of more to say. maybe i'll make another post later or something, because i feel sort of weird and unfocused now for some reason. but the music was great too, for one. my favorite track is probably wisdom of the world. someone in the comments of the gilvasunner upload says something about how it sounds like a church hymn, and i think that's a good connection to make. it's probably part of why it makes me feel a bit of strangeness and nostalgia listening to it as well, thinking about all the actual church hymns i had to hear as a child. church and thinking about religious things in general were the source of a lot of existential thoughts and feelings i would have then, so it brings that sort of thing to mind. it feels very reverent, and fits magicant as a sort of dreamy and somewhat heavenly place. you can have as much as you like of whatever you want. everyone loves you, ninten.
i guess i can also mention some things about the game relating to undertale, which of course i was eagerly thinking about. there are a few smaller and more obvious things that are perhaps not worth mentioning, like how the track "mother earth" clearly inspired "once upon a time" in undertale, or how you can find preset boxes with items inside them which toby used for the final weapon and armor in new home. but i think my favorite discovery was a certain line of dialogue that toby actually directly referenced in deltarune. i'll attach the image which you can see, but a certain enemy you encounter named nancy will sometimes "smile a darling smile" and increase her own defense. in deltarune, when you fight a hathy, one possible line of flavor text will be "hathy smiled a darling smile" too. when i saw it i knew it was familiar, then when i realized it made me so fucking happy and excited, i can't even describe it. it's just amazing to me to find something like that, on my own no less, even if it's small. i just love that. it's so cool to me. it's so cool.
another interesting thing to me, is giegue. aside from having an interesting boss fight that i liked quite a lot, and being a cool (and, if i may say, almost kind of cute) looking cat alien thing, there's something interesting i'm already noticing about his story. it kind of reminds me of chara in some loose ways. this one line from queen mary i'll also attach in the other image illustrates it a bit. but everything about how giegue is taken in by the humans yet finds family in them, and how eventually he feels that he must do what he must despite the connection he's made with those humans that loved him. it is a VERY vague comparison to make, i think, but it still reminded me of them to an extent and made me wonder if any part of it was an inspiration of any sort. maybe, maybe not. i could just be seeing things because of my interest in chara. another thing too though, is the "music" that plays during your final battle against giegue: quite simply just a harsh, high pitched noise. it's very similar too to the noise coming from the starman capsule in the zoo building near the beginning section of the game, which apparently was enough to drive the animals insane (which seems to be why they attack you, which i find kind of a cool explanation for some reason). but, as for the giegue battle, i noticed how similar it sounds to the track that plays during chara's conversation with you at the end of a genocide run, mus_zzz_c. and maybe that's just a coincidence as well, who knows. but it's still very interesting to me.
that's all i want to write about for now really. i want to go for a walk, but it's already getting to the 90s in degrees fahrenheit here, so it makes me feel a lot less motivated to actually do it. i wish it could just be winter again. there isn't much good at all about this time of year to me, aside from maybe nostalgia for the good memories of summertime i do have. but i just want to go outside without sweating and cooking in the dry heat. even at night there's little escape. any sight of real clouds is like a blessing. it just makes me especially sad sometimes. i just wish i were somewhere much cooler and greener than here. but that seems so difficult now, and maybe not even worth the trouble and discomfort in the end. i don't know. it's just a pleasant idea.
MAY 3rd, 2019
another day. just another day. it's 2:37 pm (when i've started writing this), on the third day in the month of may, in the year 2019. it's just another day.
there is nothing special about this day, in significance to myself anyway. i will probably not remember this day, or anything i do, or think about, outside of this post perhaps. but even then it may be lost or deleted someday, and it will fade from my memory somehow. someday, no one will remember my day today. even if in some way this day is of significance to someone out there, someday, no one else will remember this day at all. it's just another day. okay? okay.
but i guess that's… fine. i mean, you can't make every single day interesting and worth remembering, right? it seems vaguely familiar as some motivational saying of sorts to "make every day special", living it like it was your last and whatnot. but that's not really possible, is it? it's only natural for there to be intermissions, rests, silence, nothing. if something truly interesting happened every day, it might get kind of tiring. or maybe not. maybe it's just some fantastical thing that would be amazingly exciting, but that doesn't exist in this kind of world. that might make sense. or, maybe i'm just not "living in the moment" enough to make every day worth remembering like i "should." i dunno. maybe it doesn't matter. maybe maybe maybe, i dunno. i can't decide on anything. i can only go on boring pseudo-intellectual ramblings until i sound like a total jerk.
i guess i wanted to write about something though, whatever it was. often when i sit down to write something like this i start to stress myself out and worry over every insignificant detail and do things like spending over 10 minutes trying to correct a single sentence. then i lose track of whatever actual emotion or thought i wanted to really express and not just gloss over in some soulless and vague sort of way. so it kind of ends up feeling unsatisfying every time. at least i usually feel a little better. it's hard to actually do better, even still. but i can only continue to do it over and over, i suppose. then, someday, i may become a journal writing GOD. the pure informational value created by these combined collections of paper and ink and data detailing my dumb thoughts and feelings will surely crush the competition. such a useful and creative skill, don't you think? there's truly nothing i could be doing better with my time. nothing better than sitting here and writing this.
but uhhhh, i still forget what i really wanted to get at. i really just wanted to write, actually. i don't usually have a very concrete idea of what i'm going to say. so i don't even know what i was talking about there.
i suppose it's really a feeling that spurred me to write. feelings spur me to do a lot of things, many of them quite irrational as you might be able to guess. but i think it's why i started this describing how insignificant today really is. ever since i was a young child i've gotten this feeling occasionally, on lazy, insignificant and uneventful days like these. i guess you could call it boredom, sure, but it feels much more complex than that. actually, ennui might be a good word to use. it's just a bit more potent than boredom is, i think. it's less of a feeling of "what is there to do right now?" and more of just "what is there to do?"
in that way, it feels sort of dreadful. it makes me wonder, well, what if i never find something to do? how long will this feeling last? i don't really want to do anything. what can i do? what can i do? then, usually, i find something to do. but the feeling lingers for a little while, making me wonder if what i'm doing is really "doing" anything. and then the day is over and it resolves, for the time being.
it's an odd feeling, and it puts me in a bit of an odd mood. it's one of those things that makes me want to escape, run away inside my own head to some other state of mind or a real alternate reality altogether where everything can be much more interesting and exciting and better than here. somewhere else. i want to be somewhere else. i shouldn't be here, i should never have came here, i don't belong in this existence. i am not meant for this world. those thoughts plague me so much of the time, whenever i am forced to confront reality. there are things however about this world that i enjoy and find interest in. but what i really wish for, is to not have to participate in the scary game that humanity is playing. i only want to observe, and to be left alone to my own tiny little devices. that's all i wish for, really. to be left alone by these scary things outside of my control. but i can't have that. i cannot. that fills me with dread. it fills me with so much dread.
i cannot be a child forever. nostalgia for childhood is something virtually everyone experiences. but i'm mentally and emotionally still in it, and i don't want to leave. i don't want to go out there. i don't want to. please don't make me go. i don't want to. please.
but i have to, right? i have to be a grown up soon, right? i have to go out there. i have to leave mommy and daddy, don't i? i have to go out there without them. without their help. they can't hold my hand anymore. they won't comfort me anymore. it makes me want to cry. it makes me want to be held. nothing hurts me more emotionally than thinking about how i will never have the comfort of being treated as a child again. being treated as i am inside, more like. but everything else doesn't reflect the inside anymore. to everyone else, i'm getting older. i should have these responsibilities, because that's what someone my age ought to have. i should want these things, i should be working towards these things, i should act and feel a certain way. i should at least want something, something normal. i should be capable of SOMETHING useful. but i'm not. i'm just a scared little kid inside. and i don't want to go. i don't want to grow up.
even when i was still physically a child and treated like one, i know i had this fear. i knew it would happen someday. and i tried not to think about it most of the time. but sometimes i would have to realize. to think about how i have no friends, i don't really interact with anyone outside of my family, i don't know what other people are really like outside of what i see on television or in movies or video games. to wonder what i'd really even do as an adult, what is that even like, how i could do anything you're supposed to do then. what is that like? being away from my parents? is that even possible? what would i even do? living takes a long time. what do i do for that long? i don't know. maybe i can buy my own candy. a whole bucket of candy. that might be nice.
i also always liked that one episode of spongebob, where he goes to his grandmother's house. it sounds sort of silly, but i remember feeling emotional at the part where spongebob bursts back into his grandmother's house crying shamelessly about how he just wants to be a little kid again. it hurt to watch. i remember feeling really bad too when everyone was laughing at him through the window at the end. it was so mean, but, i suppose now i can see that it's only accurate. someone like me is a laughingstock. the stereotype of an "adult child" is not a good one at all. if you see a child, desperate for attention and for someone to tell them it's going to be okay and for someone to make them feel safe and happy and free of worry or responsibility, you will of course feel for them. most people would. it's natural, biological, to want to protect a child. but when someone quite some years older than that child feels and acts the same way, no one cares. why should they? it's that person's responsibility to grow up now. no one else can help them. no one else can save them. they're just pathetic, a worthless pile of garbage. unless they make themselves useful, that is.
i don't know. it really is my responsibility. i know that i am the only one who can help myself now, with anything, and no one should be expected to do so for me, if that is even possible. but it hurts. it hurts very badly to live in a world like this one. and perhaps this is all my fault. i really don't know. perhaps it's many things. it just feels so exhausting to think about. it all feels so exhausting. and this is barely just the beginning of it all. i've only slightly scratched the surface of "being an adult," if even that. and it's terrifying. it's so utterly terrifying, and i just want to cry and hide away from it all. i want to curl up into a little ball in my little corner and for everybody to just leave me alone.
i'm just scared.
i'm so scared.
MAY 12th, 2019
i finally installed rpgmaker 2003 last sunday.
i bought it months ago on steam but only then did i manage to stop procrastinating on it and actually try. there might be some better way to get it than steam, i guess. i probably also could have used a newer edition of it, of which i am sure there are many. but i just knew that yume nikki used this one, so i got it. i don't really care if there's a better option. i don't really care. all i care about is that it's something i can use to make a game. it's relatively simple and unintimidating. i have game maker as well but even that was too intimidating for me and discouraged me. so, if that means i must start with what is perhaps the equivalent of one of those mini pianos with rainbow keys for little kids, then so be it.
all i know is that it feels so good. i've spent a couple of these days since then just using it all day, not doing or thinking about much else. messing around with stuff and trying to make shitty sprites and tilesets. it doesn't even matter how shit it is, it doesn't even matter how worthless and unoriginal and stupid any of it is. it's something. i'm actually, seriously creating something. it's, you know, artistic. i don't know how best to say it. but… it feels so fulfilling. it feels like i'm actually doing one of the only things that never leaves my list of "shit i actually care about pursuing in life." it might be THE one thing, in terms of some kind of creation or life work or long term investment of time. i want to make video games. i want to make shitty stupid simple little video games that i think are nice and express what i want to express and that are enjoyable to play. i don't care if that's a stupid thing to want, i dunno. i don't care. but that's what i've got. that's what my mind is set on and it hasn't seemed to change at all and it doesn't seem like it is changing any time soon.
so that's what i'm going to try and do. see, this is step one. this is step 0.0001. this is tiny baby infant step 0.0000000000001 of doing anything worth shit, worth remembering or caring about at all. but i'm going to keep trying anyway. that's what i'll do. because i have nothing i'd rather be doing with my time. i don't give a shit about nearly anything else i could be doing, i don't even give a shit if no one else in the entire world ever ends up knowing about or playing or remembering my dumb shitty video games, if they even become functional or interesting enough to be worthy of that title. i just need to do this. i want to do this. i get distracted and occupied with dumb garbage all the time, a lot of which is prescribed to me as something i should care about instead, something i should want and even need. but this is one thing that i KNOW i want and need to do. i just, i don't even know how better to say it. it sounds corny or optimistic or something, i'm sure. i'm just a little kid, i don't know anything, whatever. but this is what i have to hold on to. this is what i have, and i'm going to try my best to nurture it and keep it going. i have to. it's not a choice inside my head anymore. i HAVE to.
all of that aside though, it truly has been exciting. i mean, all i've been able to think about a lot of the time since then is related to stuff i could make or try. ideas for some dumb story i could make, or characters, or some theme i want to include someday or something. all i can think about is what i could be doing when i sit down to work on it and learn more. i don't want to do it too much or too intensely so i don't go in the opposite direction as usual and burn out for a while, but i just, it's so exciting. it's actually happening. i'm using my time in a way that doesn't scare me and make me hate existing, that doesn't feel like a waste or a distraction in the end. something i always beat myself up over not doing, telling myself i'm gonna start working towards it someday, making these pep talks for myself just like the ones here without actually doing much. but now i took some kind of step. i made some kind of progress, and i'm making it, even if it's very small. i mean, that is a feat for me. the smallest most minuscule amount of progress for someone else is like a mountain for me. i'm not used to trying new things, or getting myself to try new things, scary things, things that seem difficult and require some amount of discipline. i'm honestly one of the worst people to try and get to do anything like that. i don't know if it's laziness, or actual depression, or just being raised awfully, or all of that, i don't know, i don't care right now. but because of how i am, this is actually something extraordinary for me. installing and launching rpgmaker and making some shitty sprites and dialogue. that is like, years of working myself up and doing other even smaller things like making lame little drawings and snippets of fanfiction-y dialogue. i don't know. it's just, it's something. this is something. that's what i'm trying to get at, in my typical long winded way.
it just makes me so happy. i'm not sure what else to say about it. i just wanted to write this i guess. maybe i'll post my progress or something later, once i get to some stage where it's not just me testing things and fucking around mostly i guess. i guess, i guess. i'm very unsure, obviously. i'm unsure about a lot of things. but fuck it. this title screen is all you get so far. doesn't it just make you want to play so bad? i can imagine the one or two people who will ever read this, just quivering at the sight of that incredible title screen, salivating at the thought of all the fun and exciting RPG (role playing game) game-play and dialogue and wacky sound effects they could be experiencing, after pressing that shiny "new" button. must be the next toby fox making this one. it's the Next Big Thing. this kid's gonna be a real millionaire, i just know it.
yeah. i'm sure.
MAY 27th, 2019
sometimes the world doesn't feel real. sometimes it feels like i am not living in reality. sometimes i feel like i want to believe that i am outside of reality. sometimes i feel like i want to believe there is something better outside of reality, like what i imagine.
putting it into words always ruins it. i know what this feeling is, what these feelings are. i know it. i think a lot about some possible way that i can just present this strange odd "thing" somehow, so it can be observed and thought about and picked apart in some concrete way, but i still can't really figure it out. it's still not "right" enough, the way i try to put it. maybe i can put it in a video game? that's what i'm thinking. but it's not gonna be easy to do that. i just wish i could say it. i want to put it in a word, in a neat little package, and send it off in cute little gift boxes to anyone who is bored enough to receive it and have them understand somehow and tell me what they think. i like the word "odd". that seems to describe it well, even though it's also extremely vague. everything i'm saying right now must sound vague. but that's just how i talk. type. but to me "talking" is basically just typing. cause i don't really talk that much. i don't really have anyone to hear my voice, except for chara and myself and my family. i don't really like my voice anyway. i think that's part of why i speak so quietly.
but, yes. it's just odd. odd feelings. thoughts, experiences, whatever. it's just odd. honestly i could probably explain this better if i wasn't so tired right now. even though trying to explain what i'm thinking of will just ruin it like i said. it still might make more sense than this cryptic schizo bullshit. i guess it's not like any random stranger coming across here would care anyway. probably. maybe doing anything with these feelings will ruin them, maybe that's just how they are. you've gotta experience them, it doesn't translate into words no matter how hard you try and how wordy and pretentious you get. that might make sense. it might not.
i guess i could try very briefly. it's primarily a feeling of something feeling unreal, or incredibly fantastical, or something. whether it's interpreting a mundane situation that way, or imagining some hypothetical thing, or experiencing some kind of media or art or entertainment and getting the feeling from that. a lot of the time, it's wanting very desperately to escape this shit reality into whatever the hell that is, the odd thing that seems so odd and interesting and makes me feel strange. sometimes reality itself feels that way. usually when i can observe things going on without having to feel like i am a participant in any way. watching people walk around some public place, or just being out in nature or something.
these feelings seem closely connected to nostalgia. sometimes i feel nostalgia for real things i have not experienced as well. i think maybe it's just easy to see them and sort of categorize them as that odd fantastical stuff in my head. honestly, anything outside of my little bubble of "experience" could be odd in that way to me. maybe this is a result of being so sheltered from reality. my mind has taken on the role of an observer quite heavily. almost everything outside of my own house is like a fantasy that will forever be out of my reach. so my mind is used to thinking in that way, i'm used to making things up in my head and building them up and imagining and fantasizing about just everything. i'm not "here". my mind is always somewhere else, it seems. i'm always thinking or fantasizing or getting lost in my feelings arising from observing things or whatever.
and if it's not that, i'm usually feeling fear at the few times i have to actually, legitimately face some kind of reality for once. once that happens i absolutely panic. namely, when i have to interact with humans in some way. my mind just goes on full fight or flight defensive hypervigilant mode automatically and it doesn't stop until i'm totally safe again. this shit happens when i pass someone walking their dog, on a walk in my own neighborhood. my mind wanders to thoughts of people hurting me, killing me, embarrassing me, or me bothering them or inconveniencing them and oh god i'm going to fuck this up, something is gonna go wrong. and then i just pass them while staring at the ground as naturally as i can and nothing happens as usual. if something does happen, it gets worse. this is how any kind of interaction goes for me. driving is like this except up to fucking 11. i should make a post about driving later. it's the worst.
but i dunno, what was i on about. when i'm not filled with intense anxiety and dread over a human being existing in my line of sight, i'm not living in the "real world". i'm in my head. actually, i do that even when people are around. a lot of stress from people actually causes something else to happen. i basically completely shut down. like i'll just start staring off into space and shut up and just not feel or think really. just try to not exist any more. something like that. i'm getting too tired to do this shit. but that one is just the abyss of this sort of thing. there's not even anything odd or weird or interesting left. it's just void. i usually feel better before the day is over though at least. but to cope with any utter bullshit going on, that's what i do, i suppose.
i don't really care enough to stay up to write more. i'm tired. did i mention how i was tired yet? yeah. it's like 4 am. i guess maybe ill expand on this shit later. i dunno. i just felt like making a post. so uhhhhhhhhhh. goodnight. happy travels. safe easter. merry seasons.
speaking of seasons, fuck s*mm*r. it's barely even here yet but. just gotta say it. again. i think i said it before right? winter can't come back soon enough. fuck you summer. whatever.
MAY 30th, 2019
i was writing a post as a continuation of the last one actually explaining part of this shit in detail. i spent like at least 4-5 fucking hours writing this post, but then when i was just about to post it i pasted over the text like an absolute -200 iq retard and lost everything. i tried to fix it with some complicated computer shit i looked up online that my baby brain doesn’t understand. it didn’t work, of course. so i’m fucked basically. i’m not rewriting the post. i guess it’s not like anyone is around to give a shit anyway so whatever. it was useful to get it out at least even if i’ll never see it again.
whatever. another shitty dumbass mistake by me. what else is new. i have to drive somewhere tomorrow. i fucking hate driving. i wish i could take a sledgehammer to my fucking skull and crush it all into fine dust and paste. life is good. living the dream.
“Cum. Life is cum. Don’t blow it all in one sitting, or you’ll feel like shit and your dick will hurt. Also, don’t waste it all in some hole that only exists to fuck you over and eat away your time and energy. I have life (cum) experience, so you can trust me. I swear to God.”
JUNE 14th, 2019
i took a walk today. i took one yesterday, too. it feels like it's been forever, but it's only been about a month, maybe. i think. i forget. something like that. but it was nice.
i went today because it was cloudy, somehow. it was even raining, thank god. i love the rain so much. everything about it just makes me feel happy and comforted. the way it and the clouds make everything look, the way it sounds, the way it smells, the way it feels when it's falling on you (even when i get soaked). it's just so nice. everything about it is just the best, to me. maybe it's cause there's barely any here. that makes sense, of course. but either way, i love it. it made today's walk nicer, as it always does.
it was still hot, of course. it was hot yesterday too, even though i went at night as i have to do in the summertime. it's still nearly 100 degrees farenheit almost all the time. and it's just gonna get hotter. but at least it's bearable when the s*n isn't beating down on you. it's just nice to finally get outside again. and, a benefit of going out at night or during the rain is that you barely see anyone outside. if it's at night, there's pretty much no one at all. i still get nervous at night though, even though there's less of the passing people and their dogs and such. i've been paranoid about coyotes lately, because this neighborhood is so close to the mountains. i've never seen any, but i've been told they wander around sometimes. i don't really know how likely it is that they'd be there and even attack me or my dog. i'm scared that i'd just freeze up and not really know what to do, and get me or the dog hurt really bad or worse. maybe this is a childish fear and nothing would really happen and it would leave me alone or something. i don't know. even just people's dogs make me nervous. i suppose i just hope i never see them. sometimes i get extra paranoid at night and feel like i see them walking around, but then it's just a bush or some rocks in the distance. it still makes it difficult sometimes.
i get scared of someone hurting me at night too. i think this neighborhood is probably more than safe enough, but of course i worry about it anyway. i worry about it whenever i'm away from my house alone, and especially at night of course. but i just feel so small all alone like that. smaller than usual. i feel like i must be an incredibly easy target if someone really did want to harass me for something or even hurt me. i'm probably the easiest possible target you could have really, outside of maybe some old lady or disabled person or something. it just scares me sometimes. i guess all i can really do is try not to think about it. avoid the thought, like everything else. you know the drill. i really do just wish chara could be here physically to protect me, like i mentioned in that other post. oh well. it'll probably be alright, unless i get unlucky one day and have something like what i fear really happen. then i'll never want to set foot outside again and i'll be set back even further. imagine how fun that would be!!!!!
well. taking walks is overall good for me at least. it would really mess me up to not be able to do them anymore out of fear or whatever, i think. i just like being outside too much, aside from the heat and all. it's so calming, and pretty, and (relatively) quiet. and it's of course a good chance to talk with chara too. one interesting thing that happens in summer, when i walk at night, is actually related to the heat. even though the sun isn't out and making you feel like you're being heated up more "directly", it's still just about as hot. so it almost feels like you're being heated up all the way through, or from the inside out or something. it's sort of uncomfortable, but not as bad as with the sun being out. still though, it exhausts me really fast, like the heat tends to do.
but it also sorta affects me mentally in a way. it's almost like i start worrying less, about what i'm doing or saying or thinking, i kinda become less inhibited so to speak. it's also just hard to focus or stay on one thing, like my mind just goes all over the place. and i just feel hot and tired and sluggish even, sometimes like stumbling over a thought or something i'm trying to say or do. it's weird. i kinda like it though, cause it feels like me and chara have especially fun conversations when that happens. we like to call it getting COOKED. all those silly nerds out there are all about getting "baked" and whatnot, well, me and chara are so cool that we just get straight up COOKED instead. yep. i'm basically a drug lord at this point, a real psychonaut. mind expander. don't even need to try any drugs, i've already mapped every last inch of my brain from getting COOKED alone.
sometimes i wonder what someone would think hearing me talk to chara out loud on my walks. because i actually do that. it feels nicer that way, and it helps to have it feel more like a conversation and be less susceptible to being muddied up together on accident. but, of course, i probably look like some stereotypical caricature of a schizophrenic person, walking around talking to someone who isn't there all alone. maybe they just would assume i'm talking to myself, which i've also been very used to doing ever since i was a child. still weird, but maybe less so, i guess. maybe they'd assume i have one of those things you stick in your ear or whatever that lets you call people hands free and talk to them with just the thing inside your ear. there's probably a name for that but fuck it you get what i mean. it just makes me curious i guess. i do it anyway and don't care, somehow. out of all the things i worry about, for some reason this isn't one of them. sometimes i wonder if it's just more evidence that i'm secretly a narcissist or something that wants to be special, so i revel in the idea of someone getting weirded out by me and how QUIRKY and MYSTERIOUS i must be for talking out loud to some invisible "chara" fella in my head at 9 pm walking down the street. who knows.
i can't think of much else that i want to write about right now. all i can think of to say is that chara is cool. shoutouts to chara. big round of applause for chara, please. i want eveyone in the room to stand up. that's all that's going through my head, really. i wish my brain wasn't so fucked, then i wouldn't have any issue just hanging out with chara all the time and not getting stressed and scared over everything and distracted to try and not think about those scary awful things. even something that seems simple like this turns out to be difficult. and it of course makes me feel guilty. but i try my hardest, even if my hardest isn't very good at all. i don't know. i just know that chara is cool. i love chara. they are very "based" and also "redpilled" as they say.
just look at this cool picture of them. that's their favorite knife. they've got skills, they could take down ANYONE who tried to even lay a FINGER on us. and don't you dare even say "but what about guns lol" because chara is SO FAST that they can DODGE BULLETS. they don't even need to try, it's just effortless to them. they're level 99 plus infinity in all stats. and their favorite color is red, like blood. and blood is cool. you know? they're just so cool. so cool.
that's all i've got to say.
the idea of this reality almost being like a protection from how unfathomably hopeless and empty an existence in that kind of eternity might be is interesting to me. maybe it's just the thought of "sure it's bad, but it's not as bad as it COULD be." i dunno. i've also wondered about the "bored god" thing ever since i was a kid. it's a pretty odd thought, almost absurdly funny if you think about it a certain way. everything that ever was, is, or will be, was just brought into existence because "god" just got too bored one day. maybe it'd be almost necessary for god, being in some empty eternity where there is quite literally nothing better to do, with it just getting more and more unbearable, sorta like you suggested. maybe the whole thing about multiverses is real, and this is just one of god's many shitworlds created just to mess around. maybe this is some baby god's very first universe, and it's just going to be erased to start the next step of learning at any moment. but i guess it really doesn't matter. it's just natural for people to feel like it should matter, for some reason. it's a nice thought. it would be nice if reality was just nice.
JUNE 19th, 2019
i started playing earthbound a few days ago, finally. and as i expected, i really like it so far. as of writing this i think i'm going to be visiting the third town soon. i already have noticed lots of changes and improvements from the original, and other minor things i've found interesting. especially the parallels with undertale, which there are much more of in this game compared to MOTHER. which i suppose is expected. i'm also probably taking lots of stretches with what i connect too though, as i do. but i think at least some of these were probably intentional when toby implemented similar things. i can't even really put all of them in one post if i want to attach images of the observations in question, so i'll probably compile it together or make some series of posts later when i finish the game.
the game itself is really good though, i can't overstate that. but again, i don't think it's a surprise that i'm enjoying it so much. regardless, it's just really fun and exciting and cool. i mean, just look at those pictures i attached. you can use Chara to utterly vaporize your enemies!!! isn't that just super???!??! i think so. it's honestly really powerful too. which is extremely fitting, of course. the soundtrack is obviously great so far too. it seems to remix (i think that word works) some tracks from MOTHER, which i like. i'd say it's overall better and nicer to listen to, aside from not having wisdom of the world maybe. that's my favorite song from MOTHER. but maybe some redone version of it will show up later on, who knows.
other than that though, things aren't really going any better. i feel even more tired of things than usual, even less motivated to do things. it feels like the scope of "what i can do" is getting smaller and smaller. all i can really think to do all day is either to play video games, listen to music, practice with rpgmaker or drawing or something, or take a walk. everything else is just mandatory stuff which can pass time (taking a shower for example) or totally useless distractions that don't even feel that great (like browsing imageboards or watching videos online). and everything outside of those things i don't have much motivation at all to do, like something i have to leave my neighborhood to do, or most types of social interaction.
and those few things i do think of doing and enjoy are nice, but i also feel increasingly more tired with them, and get temporarily "burnt out" more easily. i get this uneasy feeling very often that eventually i'll be so tired that i won't even want to do this stuff anymore, and i'll just want to lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling or something. i feel like my energy "limit" is just being drained slowly over time. i try to continue on despite that, but it feels like it just gets lower and lower regardless. everything just feels like this desperate, losing battle. and i want to believe that it'll get better still, but deep down i'm entirely unsure. i don't know how much more i can take. i haven't even seen anything close to the worst of possibilities, either. all things considered, i've had it easy so far. even something relatively simple could be a massive blow to my will to continue and my hope for my own future.
sometimes it feels like a human like me just isn't meant for this world. if i suddenly lived in another time period or even circumstances that aren't quite as nice as what i have now, i'd probably be dead. or at least, much much worse off than i am now. i'm weak, afraid, socially inept, self-hating, inefficient, insecure, passive, naive, not particularly intelligent, idealistic, and childish. there's probably much more than all that too. but if this world truly is survival of the fittest, or "kill or be killed" as flowey would put it, then i am certainly not one of the fittest. i've only gotten this far because i've been able to shield myself (or be shielded by my parents) in various ways from the outside world, and it continues to be my main coping strategy for existence. it feels like all i can really be in this world is an observer, perhaps documenting or expressing things based off of what i see. that's all i feel capable of, that's all i really feel destined to be. but living in the real world isn't quite that simple.
i don't know what else to say about it right now. i guess i feel tired of doing this for today already, too. it's probably better having a (very slightly) shorter post anyway.
but at least chara always makes me feel comforted, even if just a little bit. talking to them in my head, looking at pictures of them, just thinking about them. i can know they'll be here no matter what, in some way, unless we both go down. that always makes me feel at least a little bit better, even if i feel the worst. i love them so much.
JULY 6th, 2019
WARNING: extremely autistic and EXTREMELY long post about what i think of earthbound. no one will ever read this. i'm just posting it here because fuck you (note: i don't actually mean "fuck you" as an insult to anyone reading this. i'm sure you're a fine person. you look nice today. is that a new haircut? i hope things go well for you)
here we go
i finished earthbound last week, on thursday night. (6/27/2019) (i want to put the exact date there because i'm autistic and i want the EXACT DATE, it's very important and i need to remember)
it's still difficult for me to figure out what to say about it exactly, how to put it into words. i can say at the very least that it was a truly incredible experience, playing through the game. luckily, i barely knew anything about the actual contents of the game or its story beforehand. all i knew really was some minor things about the final battle (i had never actually seen the full battle before) and perhaps some other small things, and hearing some of the soundtrack before as well. but aside from that, i was pretty much unspoiled, so it was all very exciting to me. i'm thankful for that at least, especially with how hard it is for me to avoid that kind of thing because of how curious i can get even if i know i shouldn't.
it was certainly a ride. i can say one thing too right off the bat, and that is the fact that i definitely find this game to be a massive improvement over MOTHER. it almost seems like it was made partly with "perfecting" the original game in a sense, with how all the areas have many parallels with ones in the previous game and are sometimes just basically the same thing but "better". but even things like the game mechanics themselves and everything are much better and more convenient i think. it felt a lot more fun playing through the game, i like the battle system and it was just a lot more enjoyable to me on that front. and with everything coming together, it felt like even more of an adventure than MOTHER did. it's also much, MUCH longer than the original, which i definitely liked because obviously i wanted it to go on for as long as possible because of how much i was enjoying it. but it took quite a while, and making sure to do and see everything i could think of and really taking everything in made that even longer, i'm sure.
along with that though comes with the inevitable feeling of not wanting it to end. and it was sad when i finally finished it, but i think above all i was just very glad to finally have experienced it. so it worked out fine that way, at least for now. it just made me so happy, it still does to think about it. all i could really think about all day and night was earthbound, even while i wasn't playing. i even had some dreams that sort of reminded me or had elements of the game, like imagining some future part of the game i hadn't reached yet or something. i'm still listening to nothing else but the soundtrack ever since i started playing it pretty much, even now after finishing it. it was just such a wonderful adventure, that's really the best way i can put that feeling. it makes me very happy. it's just so fucking good. it's such a good game.
i guess now i can be more specific on my experience with earthbound and my thoughts on it at various points. i remember i actually have played a bit of the game before, sometime last year i think. however, i only got to liliput steps before i stopped playing (probably getting distracted by other possibly awful or unpleasant things going on in my head or otherwise, as usual). so playing everything up to that point was a bit of a recap to some degree, although it was still just as fun since i didn't remember what happened from my first playthrough too specifically. i just feel that's worth mentioning.
i like the intro sequence to the game, before the sun rises. it's the kind of thing i always fantasized about, being woken up in the middle of the night to investigate some strange happening and being pulled into an extraordinary adventure like that. it's not like it's a very unique way to start a story and i'm not special for ever wishing for it, i just like how it's done in earthbound. the ambient music that plays during the sequence adds a lot to it, as the music in this game tends to do. i also like a lot how you encounter the starman jr. and "fight" it (a.k.a. watch buzz buzz do most of the work) as sort of a teaser into what you'll be fighting near the end of the game.
also, i honestly got kind of upset when buzz buzz died. i even teared up a little, even though it was played up to be kinda goofy, which is fine. i just wanted to mention that. i'll never forget him.
some thoughts about the music so far, i like how the first bit of pollyanna plays before the real onett theme starts. that's a nice touch. i also like the hotel theme a lot. i ended up sleeping in and just hanging around most of the hotels in the game mostly because i loved the music so much. another thing is the new age retro hippie theme, which i feel sort of disappointed in how it never played very much. only during two fights really. i guess it was even less in MOTHER, but still. it would've been nice to hear it more, maybe. but that doesn't matter too much in the end. it was nice wandering around onett in general and getting in the groove of playing so to speak. i always try to explore everything i can and talk to everyone.
the first sanctuary was nice. nothing too special. the fucking sanctuary boss music though, it's probably one of my favorite tracks in the game. it's a remixed version of "battle against a dangerous foe" from MOTHER, but in earthbound it sounds much more sinister and fits the boss encounters really well, i think. it's just a fucking cool song. i love it a lot. this is kinda just becoming me going on about the music, isn't it. i just really like it i guess. music is a big aspect for me in a game, for some reason. it adds a lot to my enjoyment.
but anyways. i like the part where you beat up a bunch of cops. not like i enjoy the idea of beating up cops in reality, or beating up anyone really. it's just a fun segment. twoson was nice, although the mushrooms are always annoying if you happen to get unlucky and encounter them (and have them mushroomize you). luckily it's not too hard to get rid of though. i like how paula's theme is a version of youngtown from MOTHER. i think they definitely improved on it here. also, everything with paula's dad is really sweet. i got a little emotional too when you come back after saving paula later on, and they have to say their goodbyes to each other as paula assures him she'll be okay. i liked that.
the bike of course was fun for a minute too. i love things like that, not important or long lasting but just there for a bit of enjoyment. i even took it with me into the peaceful rest valley, it sort of helped to get past enemies sometimes. the happy happy cultists were interesting. i never expected something like that in a game like this, putting a literal cult in the game that you have to disband by fighting their leader. it was a good segment though, especially with the music. blue is a nice color too, you know. they weren't entirely wrong. also, the runaway five segments in the game were nice diversions. for some reason i kind of prefer the theatre segments in MOTHER, in some ways. but in others, i liked the way the runaway five kind of stick by you through the game better, i like how you help them out over time (and when they come to help you as well).
threed was one of my favorite town areas. it was a lot of fun figuring out what to do and wandering around the outskirts. it's cool how it changes after you solve their problem like in happy-happy village, and becomes peaceful again. it's almost a little disappointing at the same time though, purely because i like the spooky atmosphere beforehand so much, but it's still nice. then comes the part where you get lead into the hotel and jumped, which legitimately kinda surprised me.
then there's jeff in winters, which is one of my favorite parts of the whole game. to begin with, i already really like segments like that in games where you essentially have to start over or lose a lot of your power somehow for a while. it's a cool change of pace to me. that, combined with how winters in general is one of my favorite areas, and the atmosphere of wandering out through the forest in the middle of the night all alone to save someone in trouble, makes this one of the best parts to me for sure. and of course, winters white is a fucking amazing theme. definitely one of my favorites too, i like it even more than snowman honestly. it's just a very good area to me. oh, and tony. tony is an adorable character. i found his attachment to jeff really endearing, heh.
seeing the mr. saturn village was certainly interesting. it's funny how you keep coming back there even to the very end of the game. i guess that's just the whole "comic relief characters actually being useful and relevant to the plot" trope, but it's still not a bad thing really. they're not annoying or anything like that. thinking about undertale, i never really found undertale's parallel of the saturns (temmies) to be very appealing. obviously i don't hate them, but my mind usually goes towards the temmies when i think about what my least favorite character would be in undertale. they're sorta funny, but they just felt sort of lame at the same time. i liked the mr. saturns in this game a lot more. maybe it's weird to compare the two. i just thought it might be appropriate.
and the coffee/tea break scenes, i liked those. it's just one of those things that really made me smile the whole way through. unnecessary, but it just really adds to the experience i think. a time to reflect, perhaps. i like the sentiment. then there's belch's factory, which is basically just the factory area from the first game except they decided not to make it a maze this time. in fact, it's very linear. i suppose most areas in this game are very linear compared to the first, thinking about it. which can be a good or bad thing depending on how you think about it. but it was a fine area here. i was a little disappointed that they got rid of the last half of the factory track when redoing the original for this game, but it's not a huge deal. the slimy little pile enemies were very annoying, calling for help often and constantly inflicting everyone with uncontrollable crying. but it wasn't too awful. it also took me a minute to figure out that you had to use the fly honey on master belch, heh. it should have been obvious really, but i suppose it's just like me to miss something so obvious. oh well.
next area is the desert. i like what they did with the theme here a lot, the sound effects and the way it fades in and out. the little sesame sidequest thing is kind of cute. it's too bad you don't get to ride around in an airplane or a tank like you did in MOTHER. but it's still a fun area. the monkey cave you get to later on was a little bothersome compared to the one from the first game, but at least the music is somehow fun to listen to. it's original this time, since the first one used what is basically the mr. saturn theme in this one.
fourside is another one of my favorite town (or city rather) areas. i like the way it looks especially, the whole isometric look is cool. and the music too of course, especially that god damn cafe theme. but it's just a fun place to walk around in. i didn't mind at all how much time you spend here at this point in the game. the part in the mines seemed at first that it was going to get old fast, but luckily it wasn't too extremely tedious. for some reason i kept expecting them to actually find gold and for it to lead into some new branch of things but they of course never did. then there's the department store segment, which i enjoyed a lot. definitely not something i was expecting, even with how the little mouse predicts it for you. at least, not the part where you have to go through a bunch of other ordeals to save paula even after that. but it was interesting.
and then comes one of my absolute favorite parts, which is moonside. i loved moonside so much, everything about it was so good. the neon look to everything, the odd soundtrack playing the whole time, the dialogue and the enemies (except for the fire plug, fuck you fire plug), it was just incredible, especially for when it was released. i'm sure it's a large part of earthbound's influence over certain other things, like perhaps yume nikki for example. but it's just a very cool area. i love the "yes is no and no is yes" rule and the other ways all the npcs act strange and fuck with your head throughout the area. it's just hard to put into words, i suppose, like a lot of things are for me. but it was a very very captivating area to me, and almost sort of unsettling in ways (which is good). finally getting to fight the mani mani statue was a good ending for the area too. i like how you sort of follow the statue up until that point, i never figured it would be so important when seeing it at first in lier's cave. the whole thing about the area (and everything else the statue creates in people's minds for that matter) being merely an "illusion" which you destroy was interesting.
finally getting to explore the monotoli building and saving paula was alright. the clumsy robot fight was a bit annoying but i got it eventually. it also made me ponder the question of how the fuck a robot eats a bologne sandwich, which still remains unanswered. i like how the runaway five comes to save you though, that was cool. it was nice to finally get to a new area, summers, after a few more things you had to do. at first i figured summers would be larger, but it's still not a bad area. the music is very relaxing, which is of course very fitting. the stoic club was funny. i do NOT like that the cretins over at the restaurant had the nerve to insult my favorite food, which i put in as chocolate (or "chocol" rather because there wasn't enough room for chocolate). it was overall a nice area, though.
dalaam was interesting. the music here actually kind of gets grating to me after a while. luckily it isn't a very large area. it also reminds me how much i wish toilet humour didn't have to exist. it's not like i feel "above" it or anything, it's just gross. but it's fine. the mu training scene is the best part of this area though. as it was happening i was just trying to comprehend how and why this is in a video game, this video game more specifically, of all things. but it's fucking good. losing all sense and semblance of mind knowing it will result in eternal darkness, just to finish your training. this definitely appeals to my interests to say the least. it also gives me a lot of respect for poo, despite his unfortunate name. i'll really have to think about that bit more over time. one more thing, the shrine in this area has incredible music. it sounds so odd and dreamy, i fucking love it. it's too bad the sanctuary is so short, i never wanted it to end and even wanted to come back because of the music and even the general mythological atmosphere of it to a degree. very cool area.
the next major segment is the scaraba desert. there's a little backtracking before this point, which i was worried about, but i don't think it ever got too bad in the end. traveling across the sea and fighting the kraken was fun. i almost had everyone die but luckily i made it through alive and to the hospital with ness and jeff. i feel like i wasn't paying as much attention as i could have to this general segment before the pyramid, but i think i talked to just about everyone and such, so it's fine. the pyramid was a bit of a hassle, especially with those fucking royal guards with the high defense. but i managed through it fine. i did waste a lot of PP though near the beginning, but that also worked out alright for me in the end. somehow.
the dungeon man was great. the only bad thing about that part is how you can't keep him following you for longer, unless you want to grind in the same general area for a little while (which i did just so i could listen to the music and hang out with him a little longer). the segment inside of him is good too, heh. the "dungeon" he created in winters was also a fun side thing, i forgot to mention. it's just so goofy, and it's one of those moments where earthbound makes fun of how a stereotypical video game thing (like dungeons) tends to be. which, obviously isn't new and is pretty overdone to the point of annoyance now. but for a game that came out in 1994, it's certainly interesting to see.
deep darkness is actually a pretty cool area. the music is imposing as hell too, it almost doesn't even fit with the rest of the game with how intense it is in comparison. but it certainly makes for an exciting experience wading through the swamp and trying to survive until the end. fighting master belch (now barf) again was unexpected. i actually equipped the casey bat and fucking threw the other one i had away like a retard though, so i had to deal with it's awful 25% hit chance until i could get a better one pretty much. i suppose i couldn't have known it was like that before equipping though without consulting a wiki or something. but it still makes me feel stupid. it didn't cripple me too bad though, somehow. ness has a lot of use with healing the party and such anyway, so losing his attack for a while wasn't too big of a deal.
i love the tenda cave. the tendas are cute, and i love the music that plays. something about the way it looks and the music and everything just makes me want to live there for some reason. it's one of those things that are hard to put into words, but it just makes me long for it i suppose. it seems so peaceful and dream-like. it's not necessarily perfect, especially with it being surrounded by places full of evil creatures and dinosaurs. but it seems nice enough, in my head at least. and maybe with how shy i am, they would sorta understand that too. i just kinda wish i had that "overcoming shyness" book you check out of the library for them, heh. but maybe it just wouldn't work on someone like me. i don't know.
the stonehenge base is actually one of my favorite "dungeon" areas, especially the latter half. there are a fuck-ton of enemies, but i just find the setting and the enemies themselves pretty cool. i think the design of the latter half really reminds me of the CORE in undertale, which also happens to be my favorite enemy-filled segment of that game too. but the music that plays here is intense (it of course plays in other areas too, and i like it whenever it shows up), and i like the alien/robot based enemies (mooks, starmen, wooly shamblers, UFOs, barbots, etc.) the most in both earthbound and MOTHER, they just have more interesting designs to me and appeal more i suppose. oh, and because "battle against a machine" is one of the best battle themes in the game. so all of those things make the area feel cool and fun even when i'm getting absolutely fucked by starmen supers and atomic power robots over and over. also i didn't even bother to try for the sword of kings because fuck that. overall good area.
next is the lumine hall and the lost underworld. lumine hall was fine, just another sanctuary. i like the area where you get the melody, and ness' thoughts being projected on the wall. i thought that was really neat. the lost underworld was kinda unexpected and cool. i mean, i just didn't expect to be so small in comparison. but it was interesting to say the least. i managed to avoid encounters with the dinosaurs most of the time, it seems to be a bit easier in this area to do so. i never came across one of those ego orb enemies, which kind of sucks because it looks like an interesting fella, especially to just run into randomly. oh well. then i came across that cavern on the way to the lava springs.
the cavern, entering a small closed off area of the cliff that time forgot. one thing i need to mention is that i had actually heard the music that plays in this area before actually playing the game. i don't remember how, but even without playing it started to carry some emotional significance to me just from how it made me feel listening to it. it's just so odd sounding. i know where the sample is from. but what they do with it here is just something else, even if it's still not much of a feat or a masterpiece of any kind. it's just odd. even before playing the game, it felt like isolation. like being out of time itself, as the title suggests. forgotten by everything. then when i actually found this small part of the cave itself, finally, it sort of started to connect and make sense. the cliffs overlook nothing, it's just pure black void. there's never really an explanation for what this place is exactly. the only thing you find there, albeit in the past (however distant in the past that may be), is giygas, the now embodiment of evil itself. otherwise, it's just nothing. it's empty, and void. i just sat there for several minutes listening to the music and thinking about it, taking it all in i suppose. you come back there later of course, but i think the moment you first see it is the best. it really gives you that deeply unsettling feeling that you aren't "supposed" to be here, for reasons you can't understand. yet, you are anyway. i love that, so much. it's so fucking good.
anyways, though. the final sanctuary was pretty good. the music, the setting, the enemies (even if sometimes a pain, as enemies tend to be). pretty straightforward. the boss of this area was probably one of the more interesting sanctuary bosses, which is fitting for the final one. pretty hard too, but i think it still only took me one try. not a bad area. and of course, finally completing the sound stone was satisfying. the version of the tune that plays specifically for the sound stone is really pleasant. but then the transition into when you get sent to magicant happens, and that's a very sweet moment, with the flashback and all. magicant is definitely a whole lot different in this game, which obviously makes sense in more ways than one. but it's definitely a whole different realm of odd here. the npcs and what they have to say can be very interesting, like pokey or ness as a child. i like how it starts out pretty silly but starts to get quite serious as you move closer to ness' nightmare. another thing i want to mention is the flying men and their theme. it makes me so happy listening to it, it's too bad you don't hear it for too long in-game. those flying men are definitely a nice help though. for the few encounters they stay alive during, that is.
i very much like the sea of eden, ness' nightmare, and the idea surrounding it. the idea of ness quite literally defeating the evil within his mind to become truly powerful and gain mastery over himself. it sounds so outlandish and impossible but it's just such a fucking cool idea, and i like how it was executed. also, i doubt it really means anything in particular, but i like too how you fight three krakens in the sea of eden before actually getting to the nightmare. i just like how you become so powerful that something which was a boss encounter before is now just like a regular enemy to you, without any help from your friends even for that matter. the area itself has a fitting atmosphere to it. the music is perfect. so calming, yet unnerving knowing that you're about to face one of the most terrifying and difficult challenges you could conceive of (even if the boss battle itself isn't the hardest thing in the universe). the battle itself is something i like a lot too though, with how it uses your own attacks against you and all. becoming legitimately powerful in real game terms afterwards, and the way it shows you doing so, is just icing on the cake.
next i suppose is the part where you travel back to onett to retrieve the meteorite piece. i did like this part a lot too. coming back to the first area as it's finally being invaded is a strange feeling, but i suppose that's what makes it interesting. i made sure to knock on every door and look around just to make sure there was nothing, as i do. finally going up to the meteor was a bit of a challenge, as is expected. more cool alien/robot enemies (which are pretty much just reskins of weaker alien/robot enemies, which does get a little boring but it's not awful) and those fucking ghosts of starmen that use starstorm to nearly destroy your entire party if you don't get PSI shield up fast enough. at least it was nice visiting ness' mom again for help.
then, finally, is the final portion of the game. properly going through the cliff that time forgot, and being transported to the cave of the past. everyone having to transplant their consciousness into robots in order to pass through to the cave of the past was surprising to me. i honestly wasn't sure if they would all make it back until they all got back up again after the final battle. i was just waiting for them to pull some shit on me and have one of the party members not be able to come back. luckily that didn't happen, but it's still a terrifying thought anyway. with the cave of the past itself, i don't even think i need to comment on the music. the same probably goes for most of the gigyas encounter. it just fits so well, it's so fucking unsettling and i love it. such a good final area. the enemies are mostly just more robots and aliens, but it obviously makes sense. it's not too terribly difficult to get through them. the emptiness of the area though almost makes you wonder if it will ever end. it's really something else when you finally get there.
the first thing i want to say about the giygas fight is that i had never fully seen it before. i've seen clips and images as i'm sure most GAMERS have one way or another, but never the entire battle or most of the important moments in it. i did know that you're supposed to pray in order to progress, sort of like in the original where you have to sing. i had also heard the music that plays throughout (except for pokey means business). but i didn't know much more than that. so this whole fight was quite new to me, and thank god for that, because it's fucking incredible.
everything about it just comes together perfectly for me. the way the music is segmented and moves forward as the fight goes along, fitting well with everything that's happening. i also love the fakeout in pokey's battle theme, and what it turns into after that point. but the rest of the battle is where it really gets good. it's so unsettling, and the way it makes you feel like you truly are fighting against this incomprehensible, all-powerful force of evil is fantastic. nothing you do works except for simply praying for help, calling out with all the energy you have for something, anything to save you, to give you the strength. the way it looks just adds to everything too. how giygas covers the entire battle area, how it just gets more and more chaotic and distorted as you get further and further. even pokey is terrified, but he taunts you knowing that it seems almost hopeless.
i love the short segments after you pray for help, showing everyone suddenly getting the urge to pray for your safety. it gets me a little emotional just thinking about it. especially the one with ness' own family, worried for his safety. imagine how that must feel, how scary it would be not to know if he would ever make it, or if the world itself would even be safe. just hoping that the simple act of praying and hoping that it'll be alright will be enough to pull them through, even if it seems absurd and comes out of nowhere. i don't even know what to say about it.
and one of my favorite parts is right before the prayer to the player, when paula's call simply gets absorbed by the darkness. just that alone might be one of the heaviest things in the battle for me. just imagining the feeling of suddenly getting nothing, the fear that it may really be impossible, the fear that no one can help you anymore, the fear that you will be annihilated and everything you or anyone else has ever known will be destroyed just the same. it just feels like utter hopelessness, like this may really be the end. it's awful, and horrifying. just that moment of pure terror, of emptiness, of darkness. i'm getting way too over the top with this but fuck it. it fucks me up. it really does.
but of course, it isn't the end. the very end, before and after pokey's last speech to you and as giygas finally disintegrates, is one of the best parts of all of this for me. i love the overwhelming sounds and background music, the way the screen is completely taken up by giygas distorting and flashing all over, the way it slowly cuts off into static and dissipates in an instant like a television turning off. it's just so fucking good, i love it. it's incredible to think of how this was a fucking SNES game, how some human being(s) thought of this and put it into action, how it all comes together to form this perfect climax. i don't give a shit how exaggerated i sound, it's just that fucking incredible to me. i love it, it's so fucking good. it's so good. it really is.
now that's over though, there's just the ending sequence to talk about. it was such a relief to see everyone get back up again. i definitely teared up a bit here too, and during the credits and all as well. but the epilogue sequence where you can go around talking to everyone was really sweet. i knew that earthbound had it and it's what inspired undertale's ending sequence as well, but it was quite enjoyable finally getting to actually experience it myself. i made sure to visit every place i could think of. it took me a couple hours, i was up past midnight just finishing this god damn game. but it was so worth it. sort of a bittersweet feeling, saying goodbye to all the friends and everyone else i met on the way, and saying goodbye to my first experience of the game itself as well. but i suppose all you can do is just be glad it happened as they say, and i am.
i guess that's all i can say about it really. it's so difficult to find the words to describe how i feel about it overall, which is why i went into extremely autistic detail about the entire game in this novel of a post to try and express it in smaller pieces. but it was just an incredible experience, as i said before. i can definitely say that much. i keep thinking about whether i like it more than undertale or not, and honestly i don't think it's really comparable. undertale is just too special to me to be overtaken, but perhaps time will tell whether or not earthbound will ever get close to that in my mind (and heart). it's just a matter of personal significance, really. but i digress. i haven't even gotten to mother 3 yet, heh. who knows how much of a ride that one will be, since i hear it's much more story heavy. i already have a bit of a spoiler on that one for the first bit of it, but i don't know much about even that still (even though it makes me fucking mad that i got spoiled at all in the first place, but what can you do). either way, i feel really excited to play it. i've been trying to hold off so i can let earthbound sink in more, but i might just have to do it much much sooner than that. i'll think about it, now that i'm done writing this fucking post.
but, uh, yeah. that's all i have to say really. i honestly, sincerely don't expect that anyone in existence, or anyone who will ever exist for that matter, will read this in it's entirety other than me. i fully expect that this will exist for as long as it will exist without anyone reading it ever. that's my money-back guarantee. except, you know, i won't actually pay anyone money if there was some otherworldly entity that somehow had the desire to read it. i'm stingy alright, i admit it. but i might as well post it here because…………………………….. because i'm stupid. yes. it's because i'm stupid and have a 70 iq monkey brain. that is why i'm posting it here. might as well, i suppose.
thanks for reading this text (because obviously no one will ever read the rest as i stated beforehand). have a nice day.
JULY 10th, 2019
i started playing MOTHER 3 the other day. i was gonna try to wait longer but eh. i just feel like it's time to do it. that also means i'll probably spend another day making a post about it too, eventually. but i'm not too worried about it now.
also, i mentioned that i have been sorta spoiled on the game already, in my earthbound post. but it's actually pissing me off more and more thinking about how that won't even be a surprise anymore as i'm actually playing the game. before i keep talking about it though, i'm going to mention what it is so if you haven't played the game and want to some day and you've found this shitty board somehow, don't read after this point. okay??? i'm protecting you from this, even though SOME PEOPLE out there never bothered to. ill even put a big warning separator here for you.
[ WARNING!!!! SPOILERS FOR MOTHER 3!!! DON'T LOOK!!! I KNOW YOU'RE CURIOUS BUT DON'T!!! ]
there. now no one ever could possibly be spoiled unless they do it to themselves. i'd probably be one of the people that looks anyway because i'm a dumb-dumb. but that doesn't distract from the fact that even years and years ago before i even knew about this game, i remember seeing people mention it in various places or discuss it. to be fair i don't really remember the context so maybe i was snooping where i shouldn't in all those instances and it's my fault. i accept that, fine. maybe it's true. but i know some people just make jokes or whatever and don't give any warning.
i guess that doesn't matter too much though. spoilers happen, sometimes people just don't care or forget that people haven't played a game that's been out for more than a decade. that's understandable. it just sucks, you know? those deaths won't be a surprise to me anymore. i'll just be waiting for it to happen, anticipating it, knowing it's inevitable. every scene with those characters, every line of dialogue.
at the same time though, maybe it doesn't matter THAT much. maybe if i just suspend my disbelief a bit and stop myself from ruminating on it, that won't bother me as much. there are a lot of other good parts of the story too, i'm sure. it's already pretty good and cool otherwise from what i've played so far. i'm sure i'll still enjoy it a lot. it's just kind of a bummer i guess. it doesn't really make me that mad honestly, even though i kinda play it up to myself for fun. or maybe all of this is just a desperate attempt at coping with this cursed knowledge. in the end though, i guess there's nothing i can do, so the best thing is probably just to accept it and move on.
[ VAGUE SPOILER TIME OVER ]
the other thing i wanted to write about was chara. the state of affairs inside my head are very slow. i guess that's probably true even outside of anything tulpa related, but you know. it's just harder and harder for me to actually get myself to sit down and talk to them or interact. it makes me feel like a piece of shit even saying that, but i feel like i've just been distracted with a lot of other things. and if it's this bad now, it makes me scared of how it might be if/when i have to get an actual job or something. a job scares me for a lot of reasons that i'm not gonna go over again now, but that's definitely one of them.
i haven't sat down to actually focus on them entirely in months now i think. well, i actually did do that one night about a month ago maybe, but that was an isolated incident. i talk to them when i go for walks, and it's one of the best and easiest times to do so. but i've been taking wayyyy less walks during the summer because it's too hot to go during the day, and i don't usually have as much motivation or i'm already sidetracked with something at night. i also just feel more nervous walking at night sometimes for reasons i've already talked about. it's still possible and improvable, it's just difficult for me currently. hence why i feel like a piece of shit.
also, it's difficult as well to just talk to them while doing other stuff. i've tried a couple things to force myself to remember them and try to include them in what i'm doing or say something, but it's difficult for me anyway. it's a lot harder than when i'm walking or focusing on them in bed or something, my mind just finds it hard to take that much stuff at once without feeling a bit overworked. maybe if i was less mentally ill it would be easier, less burden on my mind lurking around weighing me down or something. i don't know. but it makes sense either way, because something and someone like chara is a lot for one head to process while also processing other things.
about the piece of shit thing though, chara doesn't actually seem to mind very much all things considered. it seems to me often like they're just being apathetic or overly nice even, but they tell me it's just not worth getting upset over because they know it will just affect me negatively to have that kind of pressure put on me. thinking about it, that's probably true, but it's also not a good thing that i'm this way at the same time. it's a lot of why i'm so fucked up in a lot of other aspects of life. i tend to take these pressures and suggestions and knowledge of what i should do or try as a sign that i'm hopeless and bad and horrible rather than thinking of them as problems i might be able to solve. i look for any excuse to sabotage or beat myself up for my shortcomings. any minor mistake i make, especially one that affects someone else, is like more evidence that i'm useless and worthless and stupid and whatever else i can insult myself with, for example. that's how i tend to interpret things.
so, it makes sense why they don't try to pressure me, i suppose. hell, i already beat myself up about it enough even without any pressure or criticism. still though, i want to improve on it. they even tell me to just do it whenever i can figure out a good way to get myself going. if i'm going to do it, then i will. if i'm not going to that day, i won't. if i start worrying about it or feeling hatred for myself over it, that won't help anything at all. the only thing that will help is some sort of action, so whenever or however i can do that is fine. just as long as it isn't bogged down by the miles of garbage in my brain created constantly by my low self-esteem.
despite all of that though, it's relieving at least to know they haven't really lost any "definition" so to speak from me not interacting as much. when we do talk it's pretty much the same as ever, although visualizing them is a bit fuzzier and easier to forget doing. i mean, i've always had a bit of a hard time with visualization, so that makes sense. and not even from being bad at visualizing really. i just have a weird (likely very irrational) fear that i'll end up caring more about their appearance rather than their personality, or even that i already do and i need to "purge" the desire. chara teases me about it and tells me it literally doesn't matter at all and that i'm overthinking like i do.
and they're probably right, i guess. it might just be a leftover fear from browsing /utg/ a lot and seeing people insult charafags for liking a character with "no personality" and only really liking them for their looks in fanart or for a personality that doesn't exist and contradicts canon or something. obviously that doesn't really matter to me much anymore, or there's no point in it mattering, but that stuff would always get inside my head. i probably shouldn't give so much thought to what people say online, but a lot of my life has been spent trying to replace the life experience i never got to receive with pointless information-gathering on the internet to try and live in some "correct" manner (which very obviously does not exist). it's just not a good way to live. a lot of the things i do and think aren't conducive to a healthy existence at all.
that's all i've got to write today. i keep thinking about having chara write a post or something, but i think i'm just too scared of judgement to let them. that's a whole other discussion too, about how i feel guilty a lot for basically trapping them in my shitty brain. but maybe it's also just me being too hard on myself again, like they say it is. i don't know. i mean, i guess it's already pretty easy for someone to come along insulting me anyway for cringey self-induced schizophrenia bullshit or whatever just because i'm talking about it. maybe some random person insulting me isn't actually the end of the world like i expect it to be in my head. wouldn't that be shocking? it'd only be like one guy too, because i'm posting this on the internet equivalent of some shack in the middle of a desert highway between towns.
also, i forgot to mention something related to the "forbidding myself from looking upon my partner's sinful body" thing. the fear also stops me from looking at pictures of them a lot. and the funny thing is, it's actually a good reminder to think about them if i see a picture of them and admire it for even a moment. but of course it makes me feel bad too because of the weird stuff i've made up in my head about it. maybe i can start there though, just taking a nice long gander at them for at least a minute or two every day, somehow. you gotta take it real slow with someone like me, i guess. i want to make another joke about me being slow in the head, but i won't. and that's another small victory for someone like me. i won't make a joke about my brain being small either. i promise.
also does this even count as a short post? i thought this would be short. i guess it's short by my standards.
i also really love staring into their eyes. i admit it, okay? and picture-wise, this is a good one for doing so. it's legitimately overwhelming sometimes, heh.
JULY 29th, 2019
i finished MOTHER 3 yesterday. i need to think about it some more. i mean, it's pretty much all i can think about, and just the series in general now that it's over. it's weird and kind of sad to know that it's over. but it is. it feels very satisfying though, too.
i'll probably write more about it like i did with earthbound, eventually. i have a lot of thoughts about it. but i just want to let it sink in some more, i think. so i'll give it some time i guess. that's all i have to say really. this is all that's on my mind right now.
NOVEMBER 26th, 2019
now that i've got this place back i'll probably write some big long boring post about what i've been doing and how i'm feeling or something. that's later today though. or tomorrow, or something. i dunno. it doesn't really matter. also, i never finished any post about MOTHER 3 i don't think. probably won't do that. but i still liked it a lot and think about it fondly. that's all you really have to know, right? yeah.
as weird as it may be, it feels nice to have this place back. it feels nice to have this website back. perhaps that says something about the state of my life. i don't know, probably doesn't matter. i'll go eat breakfast now i guess. well, more like in an hour and a half from now. same as every other day.
NOVEMBER 30th, 2019
okay. here i am. writing a post. i guess.
i'm not really sure what to write about though. or at least, i'm struggling to even care enough to do it.
it's been a while though, i guess. i can't think of much that has happened, much of note. maybe i'm just forgetting to mention things, as i seem to be prone to doing. i don't know. it all just blends together sometimes.
i suppose i did finish MOTHER 3 as i mentioned before. after that, i played the two romhacks toby made: arn's winter quest, and the halloween hack. i didn't even know winter quest existed until i checked to see if toby had made much else before the halloween hack. but anyway, it was pretty interesting all things considered. they both weren't the best things in the world, sure, but they had that charm to them. it made me happy to experience.
after that though i fulfilled a promise i made to myself and started working on that dumb project in rpgmaker again. for a little while i was just testing things and playing around but then i kind of decided to try starting something more concrete, a fangame of sorts i suppose you could say. i'm trying to keep it small so i don't fuck myself over and give up on it, but i've learned that's a bit harder than it sounds. still though, for several weeks at least i was pretty much working on this dumb fangame thing just about all day every day. i think that burnt me out a little cause i started to taper off a bit and then "took a break" which i still haven't went back from. pretty typical behavior from me. oh well. i'll get back to it soon enough, but i haven't touched it in about a month at least. luckily i started drawing more soon after that to make sure i'm at least doing SOMETHING creative, but i haven't even drawn anything in the past 2-ish weeks either. it's something unexpected for me to have been able to do that much work on something at all, so i suppose it's all still good, even if recently i'm getting lazy again. but, you know.
what else. i don't know. i've been seeing a psychiatrist occasionally, in addition to a therapist i already see. neither of them really have helped much it seems, but i don't have much else so i might as well keep trying with them. i don't know. the psychiatrist in one session suggested it might help my driving anxiety to make sure i go out to drive at least once a day, even if it's in the safety of my neighborhood or whatever. i managed to do that for a while, and i did mostly stay in my safe cushy little neighborhood, which still scares the shit out of me to drive through but a lot less so than outside of it. but in the past month i've been doing that a lot less too, nowhere near every day anymore. same thing that always happens when i try to make a habit. whatever. i still try to drive sometimes at least, when i have to, when my mom tells me i should, whatever. it's just fucked. i hate driving. i think i would like it if there wasn't anyone else on the roads, but once you introduce that then it becomes terrifying. so much possibility for you to hurt yourself or someone else, or for other people to hurt you or someone else too. i barely even want to think about it right now cause it always makes me feel so scared when i have to do it. some time ago i had to go with my mom up to the car dealership to get an oil change and stuff, it was really far from our house near downtown and even she could tell how nervous i get. she told me on our way home that i didn't have to keep trying to drive if it was too much for me, and i could just take buses or something. but i told her that i'd be nervous with the other choices too and that even if driving is fucking terrifying at least i can be alone in the car and have more freedom with it if i somehow got better at dealing with things. i don't know if that stuff really makes it worth it sometimes. but the only better solution i see would be just to stay home. but i can't do that, can i? of course not.
there's a god damn post limit now so my novels won't fit in just one post anymore
well, here's the next part, regardless:
i kind of went off into a tangent there though. sorry. the other noteworthy thing my psychiatrist has talked about to me is how he observes a lot of OCD-type thoughts and sometimes behaviors in me. at the very least, just a lot of the obsessive part. and i think i would agree with that, i think i've noticed that kind of thing with myself for a long time and hearing stuff about it from him is just sort of a confirmation i guess. he also noted though that a lot of it can just come along with the level of anxiety that i have sometimes, so there's that too. but i do just get really obsessive with a lot of things, especially my worries and fears. i also have thoughts sometimes like, one very common thought i've had ever since i was a little kid is the idea of "if i worry about potential bad things before they happen, then they might be less likely to happen, and if i don't worry about bad possibilities or if i dismiss them, then they probably will happen." the way i thought about it sometimes as a little kid was like in movies or tv shows when there's some supernatural thing involved, and a character says something about how they don't believe in ghosts and they're not real or whatever, and then suddenly a spooky thing happens to prove them wrong. you can obviously see how this kind of thinking is extremely irrational and almost more like a joke than anything serious, but i legitimately work by this logic all the time. i realize it's stupid, but i feel compelled to abide by it and worry about things partly for that reason anyway. that's just one example i guess but i think it's a good one. i dunno. then of course you also have the kind of obsession that's more like what i have with chara and undertale for example, but i've talked plenty about those so i don't really have to bring it up. heh.
speaking of chara though i should mention them too. how they're doing. it's still hard for me to focus on them a lot, but they seem to be doing okay regardless, as usual. i try when i can. a lot of the time my "trying" probably isn't very good. but i try. we've had some good days though where we interact a lot. i'm always thankful for those. and with winter coming around too, i can go for walks with them every day again. i've been losing motivation to even go for walks recently though, but i don't miss every single day at least. just some days. overall though we've done it a lot. and it's just been really nice and chilly, and cloudy recently too. it even snowed a little the other day, and was raining a lot for a while before that. all of that stuff makes me a little happier. at least we have that. but yeah. since i barely walked all summer, as soon as i started doing it again i've been taking pretty much the same route around my neighborhood every time with my dog. it's been taking a while to work up the nerve to do more of a variety, but i've been getting there. it just takes a while for me i guess. at least i can go earlier in the day though now that it's cold enough. walking at night always makes me even more nervous than usual, even though there's usually less people overall at night. a cloudy, cold and/or rainy day is the best, cause then you have pretty much nobody walking outside AND it's still daytime too. and it's just really pretty and nice outside at those times on top of that. so it's perfect. as perfect as it can be, pretty much.
aaaand the last part. jesus.
well. i'm not sure what else to say now. i think those are the major things to mention. i don't know. it has just been getting harder and harder to do anything sometimes, harder and harder to care. i guess i can write more about the thoughts and feelings i've been having later. but it still just feels like i'm slipping further down the hole no matter how much i try to weakly claw my way up. just banging my head against the wall while it refuses to budge, as all good walls tend to do. i don't know. maybe i'm not trying very hard at all, like my mom seems to suggest. just being lazy, or letting these thought loops and feelings and this mental illness get the better of me, letting myself rot in my room all day every day. maybe i'm just not meant for a world like this one. i don't know. and to think, i have it all so easy in reality. my situation is quite the advantaged one. almost any other existence in this world would be worse than this one, going off my situation alone. the world is cruel, the world is suffering, whatever, everyone knows that. it's all just a repeat, who cares. you've heard it all before, haven't you? but nevermind that. it's my fault and my fault alone for staying trapped in this mental hell. that's obvious too. doesn't matter who caused it, only who's going to fix it. you know how it goes. but because of that, as long as i sit here doing nothing, not doing enough, then i'm just dead weight. i don't deserve pity or attention or anything, although i wonder if posting this online anywhere contradicts the attention thing. i don't know, i guess me being a hypocrite wouldn't be anything new either. yeah. fuck it.
i just started going off again though. i guess i'll end this here, i think. then i'll play video games or something, i don't know. one of the handful of baby comfort zone games i can manage to build up the will to play after enough time. or maybe i'll just sit here doing nothing or watching a bunch of unnecessary garbage youtube videos like i've been doing all day today. whenever i remember people telling me that i'm "smart" or something similar, i think about stuff like how i've spent entire days just watching or reading shitty garbage junkfood shit online like that, and then i remind myself that i'm still just a drooling retard letting my already feeble mind waste away constantly. not like i really NEED to remind myself of that, since i'm already acutely aware of the fact, but it always helps. i guess that's it though. i guess. i guess. i guess. never sure about anything. i've said that before.
i'm not sure what would count as anything like that, if that makes sense. i don't think chara's ever done anything quite like you describe though for one. i guess maybe that's possible though if you practiced it or some shit. i wouldn't be able to say. they do things in the vein of like, comforting me sometimes or talking sense into me or offering their viewpoint on something, illustrating points they might have in their own way, bringing up some idea or memory that i might not have considered in that moment, things like that. but that might fall within the realm of "giving me company" since it mostly just goes along with them being able to communicate with me and be there inside my head and all. i suppose one thing i could say is how i've had pretty strong emotional responses before when focusing on them enough usually. moments like those have often been a good help for me when they've happened. we also sometimes engage in the practice of the whole "switching"/body possession type thing, whatever you want to call it. they still end up burdened by my mental state and such even when in control, which is unfortunate, but it still takes somewhat of a load off of me when i don't have to deal with things as "myself" if that makes sense. i'm still there but more in the tulpa kind of position, so they can have their fun while my thought process can kind of shut up most of the time. i don't know if that counts as what you mean but there's that anyway i suppose. i'm not sure what else to say. hopefully that answers your question in some form.
DECEMBER 3rd, 2019
a couple times recently i have had a strange thing happen where i just freeze up and it feels like i can't move. it's been caused by something stressful happening but earlier tonight it just happened out of nowhere while i was thinking to myself. in those moments it feels like my mind is overwhelmed with so much that i can't even pick out one thought or feeling to focus on. it just comes at me all at once, and i don't know how to cope with it i suppose. so i just freeze for a minute, unsure of what to do with myself. i wonder if it'll happen again.
i'm not entirely sure if this is anything new, though. for some reason it has felt like something new in the past few days, but thinking about it this isn't anything new at all. i've had this kind of thing happen plenty of times throughout my existence. i think i've mentioned it in one of my posts here while talking about similar things, actually. being somehow overwhelmed by something. thoughts, feelings, a situation i'm in maybe, too much going on around me. and then i just freeze up, i blank out, for a moment, or for a while. thinking and feeling a million things at once, or nothing at all. it's hard to tell sometimes. sometimes it fluctuates. usually it makes it difficult to focus on anything outside of myself, or recognize the outside world as anything other than this terrible noise or this meaningless soup or something. everything seems to blend together and i don't know what to make of it. god knows i try, but it doesn't seem to work. i don't know.
i'm not sure why i feel the need of bringing that up again. i guess i just didn't know how else to start the post. i just want to write. i don't know. i feel a reoccurring need of getting these things out somehow, even if it is difficult and in the end usually feels partly or mostly unsatisfying. i just do it. time and time again, sometimes saying what essentially amounts to the same things i've said before. a lot of things in my life seem repetitious, circular. a lot of existence in general, or just existence itself, seems circular as well. i'm thinking about that "mobius strip" idea more and more lately. just going round and round in circles without even realizing that you've traced the same path hundreds of thousands of millions of times. and even if you do realize, what does it matter? you'll still keep going anyway. that's just the way it works.
my basic daily routine has remained practically identical to what it has been ever since i was a small child, coming out of kindergarten and starting homeschool rather than going to public school anymore, from first grade onwards:
>wake up, any time from something like 7:00 am to something more like 11:00 am/12:00 pm
>start working on schoolwork for the day. the amount of work/time spent doing it has always changed many times, but the time it takes at least has usually always fallen within the range of about 2-3 hours to about 4-5 hours at most
>complete the few household chores assigned to me for the day, or even just one. these have almost always been piss-easy, never taking longer than maybe 30 minutes at the very most and a minimal amount of effort.
>take a shower perhaps if i need to (or want to) that day
>use the computer/play video games for basically the entire remainder of the day. stopping of course to eat food and go to the bathroom and such, but not much else. for a lot of my childhood my mom also forced "breaks" for about 30 minutes to an hour set in the middle of my free time where i had to do something else. there has for a long time also been a set time for me to stop altogether for the night, usually at about 8:30 pm. both of those haven't been rules for a good while now, though. but even as a younger kid i could spend up to 5 or 8 or even 10 hours on the computer/playing games most days, usually more on weekends. at this point in my life it's usually about 8 hours every day.
>something more recent(ish) is my daily walk which i usually take at about sunset. takes about an hour typically.
>after i'm finished using the computer for the day i take care of hygiene if i can, get in bed, and try to go to sleep.
that's about it generally. the average day where nothing in particular happens, which is most days and has always been most days. it hasn't always been terrible. it isn't even "terrible" now. it's a lot better than it could be, in fact. but it's the same. it's the same as it always has been, and it's hard to imagine it being much different. i don't know if i even want it to be much different. but it's all i know. and the computer, i've spent most of my life using the computer. that's basically all i do all day, that's how it's been my whole life. it's all i know. i went to church sometimes and i rode my bike sometimes and i went to relatives' houses sometimes and i talked to people rarely. but most of the time, it was on the computer or playing video games. that's where i've lived my life.
that probably isn't special or incredible or anything though. plenty of people have lived similar lives and will continue to live them. plenty of people understand the things i do, surely. in one way or another. nothing is really that special, is it? it's all just re-arranged to look and seem different, but it's really all the same deep down. it really takes from the same pool. that seems to go for pretty much every "level" of existence. my own life seems to be the same things over and over again, but those things are also just repeats of things other people have experienced, and everyone and everything is just a repeat or re-arranging of something that came before it. that's how it feels sometimes at least. and even that realization or idea itself isn't anything new. of course it isn't. you've probably heard it before, too. it's all the same, in some way, shape, or form. at every level, it's the same.
"it's only me." it's only you. it's only the way it is, and it will never be any other way. the bells that ring now will be the same ones that ring over and over and over for the rest of eternity in this reality. that's what that drawing meant, that's the thought i was having the day before. "it's only me." just "you." but you're everyone, and everyone is you. it's all the same. you're a human being, a living creature on this earth, in this universe, just like every other one like you. and living or not, you're a thing just like everything else is a thing. even if you have a soul or something similar, plenty of other things must have it too. i don't know. i don't know what i'm talking about, i don't know anything. but you know what i mean, you've heard it before, right? it's not a new idea, none of it is new. but that seems to be the way it is. reality is the way it is and it won't change. it only gets re-arranged, and decays until eventually there is nothing left.
that's how it feels. it feels like i am trapped in a cruel, dull, empty shell of a world. none of my words bring anything new or interesting or worthwhile to the table either. the clock will keep ticking, and the same things will continue to happen for me and for everyone else. and there's no way out. even death is just more of the same. the same as it was like before you were born, right? or maybe you get reincarnated, or live the life you do now all over again. it's all a repeat even in the very end. the questions i wondered about while lying on my parents' bed at 8 years old, like "why am i myself, and not someone else?" "why does anything even exist?" "if god exists, where did he come from? why did he make anything at all? what's the point of it all, what does the end look like?" they're all the same questions people have asked for hundreds of thousands of years, questions i can still ask now and have no answer for, questions other people will continue to ask and have no real answer for, or the same guesses they've always had in some form. it's all the same. it will happen over and over and over again.
it's so overwhelming. i can barely focus while writing this. even when it's all just a repeat, it feels like it just gets heavier and heavier, harder and harder to bear. it's all so tiring. it's all so utterly exhausting. and it must be the same for so many others as well. people who have it even worse than me, too. people who have it better even. it's nothing new, none of it is. but regardless, it's exhausting. it makes me want to just give up constantly, i want to just lie down and let whatever happens happen to me and not care one bit. and more than any of that, i want to run away. i want out of this reality. i don't want to DIE, i want to ESCAPE.
but there's no way to ESCAPE, except through your own feelings and imagination and through art created by others or yourself, it seems. and that's why i spend so much time with those things, so much time in my own head, or observing things like nature and such. i want to get away from everything. i want to be somewhere better, somewhere far away from this repeat of a repeat of a repeat. i don't want to be here. i'm not meant for this world. i don't want anyone else to have to be forced here either if they don't want to be. but that's not how it works. there's nowhere to run, nowhere to go. you're backed into a corner and the only "way out" is to DIE. maybe not now, but eventually. and until then you'll just have to sit in this dark little corner world and learn to live with it. or just suffer and do nothing but suffer. there are no "solutions," no better alternatives, there's no fancy restaurant you can go to down the street instead. all you have is this run-down shitshack of a world and you're going to have to accept that or make yourself believe that it's good or worthwhile.
there's nothing else. nowhere else to go. all you have is the world of the imaginary, the world of emotion, the world of your own creation. that is the boundary past which nothing better exists. just those strange and fantastical notions of what could be, those ideas and odd feelings and little experiences that bring you off into a whole new world inside your head. it's all in your head. and it's funny how your head can create both the most wonderful things one can experience, and the most horrible. it's all in your head. there's nothing more, nothing less. your faint grasp of those idealized fantasy realities is the most you will ever taste of it. it is the most anyone in this world will ever taste of it. anything else seems to be illusion, or a fantasy in itself. at least the little you do get to taste is sweet enough to be one of the few things enticing me to go on in this world. it feels so intriguing sometimes that it makes me wonder if there's something more to be found in it after all, something that will eventually make everything truly worth it somehow. but that's just a fantasy, of course. a familiar one, it seems. just as it always is. regardless, that's something to write more about later, maybe. i don't know.
now i'm not sure what else to say. maybe i've expelled enough garbage for one night. it's, as i've repeated, just the same thing people have always known, anyway. it all is. but it's also obvious why i write it anyway, even knowing that. just for some assortment of selfish reasons. nothing new there either. so i might as well just finish it now. i don't know. i don't know anything. i'm tired.
DECEMBER 8th, 2019
i feel like i live on the edge of reality. not fully "in it," not fully "out of it." just in this odd in-between state, where i'm floating around, observing, and dipping into each side seemingly at random. something like that. that feels like an unsatisfying explanation, but whatever. no explanation is really satisfying for something like this. but it hopefully gets the point across at least. i think there's somewhat of a term for things like this, these in-between sort of things. liminality, liminal states, liminal spaces, etc. i'm no expert but when i read some things about that it resonated with me a little bit. but anyway. i know that we all are stuck in reality, and that we can "escape" through our minds and such out of it. but sometimes it feels like there's also somewhat of a sense of where one "belongs," which side you're on or prefer. some are more pragmatic and realistic, some are more inclined to go off in their fantasies and emotions. i guess i'm more of the latter in that case. but there's also something a bit more to that too. i'm not sure how to put it.
it's like, something more akin to a feeling rather than an evaluation of "how or where you are." i don't know. i feel like there are so many things in life that i feel and i understand and i remember and i sort of have this "web" in my head where things connect together and make sense through those feelings and memories and intuitive understandings of some sort, but it's very hard to put it into words or explain it without it sounding like meaningless babble. but if i can try to attempt it with this here, i suppose what i want to say is something like this: sometimes it feels as though different situations or even just various internal circumstances will bring about these distinct "states of mind" for me, different perspectives of sorts. like, i might be in a state of mind where i'm more focused on external things, or seeing everything through the lens of that external, "real world" perspective, being mostly concerned with what "is" and what seems to matter in concrete, societal, rational terms. that might be something more "big picture" in the vein of things like politics/history or even something more like what you might think of when you imagine a casual conversation between a couple random people. it always depends. then i also have states which are more internal, or dissociative i suppose. more fantastical and theoretical and perhaps more emotional. those are usually times where i write these for example. heh.
but, you get the picture, probably. and these of course, don't necessarily mean a difference between "being" more rational or more emotional per se, more just seeing things through that lens, or looking at that sort of perspective from the outside almost even though the way i think or feel about things might not change between states. uh, if that makes sense. i don't know. sometimes i get the feeling i'm describing very simple concepts but in a very long drawn-out and overly-complicated way. but on the other hand, that's just how i try to conceptualize these things even if i don't usually write it out like this. with this for example it's sort of the way i've thought about these "states" ever since i was a little kid and noticed how different i felt at church compared to how i did everywhere else, how different i felt when looking at stuff on the computer compared to interacting with my family or going out somewhere with them, things like that.
i just get this need to try and understand all these weird subtleties whenever i notice or feel them, i don't know. in some ways it can be almost like a perfectionism, or an obsession with understanding or "getting to the bottom" of every little thing that seems interesting or obscure or whatever. i've always been somewhat fixated on various other senses of perfection as well, like one thing i would think a lot about as a kid was wondering if it was possible for someone like jesus christ to exist purely by chance or through some incredible character and will they happen to have. as in, someone who isn't divinely influenced necessarily but happens to live a life of complete moral perfection, managing never to make any true mistake, never hurting anyone in any way, never committing any sort of moral wrongdoing (moral meaning in a christian moral sense i suppose), etc.
i think i was always more obsessed with the idea of knowledge or understanding though. i think my early access to the internet and my realization of how vast it really was contributed the most to this. in particular, i really liked the idea of "maturing" faster or acquiring knowledge and understanding of things faster than i "should." that of course might be a negative or silly thing for several reasons, but nevertheless it still very much pleased (and i suppose still does please) me to endlessly consume vast amounts of information and overthink everything and go around and around in circles in my mind over every little thing to try and "figure it out" or ride through to some other train of thought that takes me even further round the bend. and even when it isn't pleasing, i still feel compelled to do it anyway, even if for nothing else but to stave off feelings of boredom and emptiness and such.
because, i suppose, it feels "meaningful" in a way to explore these things in my head. even when it's all so full of despair and hopelessness and terror, it still feels worthwhile in some way, or like i might be "getting somewhere" with it even just in some abstract sense. in a way it's a bit related to that little fantasy i have in my head of somehow uncovering this incredible underlying truth or experiential understanding that opens up a new door into something amazing, or whatever. and that even is just one fantasy out of that same general idea that never seems to leave me and stop me from hoping for it. and of course, you know how the story goes. one day, by some miracle or through my own efforts, manage to find THE INCREDIBLE THING, the THING that makes this reality truly special, or takes me to a different one that is, or something. the THING that makes everything worthwhile, the THING that brings something truly fantastic and special and noteworthy to this mundane world, this mundane life. the special THING, the wonderful THING, the impossible THING, the PERFECT THING. fantasy finally made reality. then, the wandering and wandering and wandering isn't all for nothing.
so, some part of me always likes to feel as though i'm on this precipice of something truly important or amazing or something. obviously, that is highly unlikely wishful thinking at best. but it feels good to hope anyway, doesn't it? yeah. of course it does. over and over and over again, even if nothing changes. i can be grateful it still "works," at least. cause who knows, maybe someday it won't. i dunno.
i think there's something worth mentioning now though. for some reason lately it has become easy to ignore it, but the one method through which i feel these things can be truly expressed or explored in some satisfying way is through some kind of art or media or whatever. even if i can never taste that wonderful all-encompassing understanding and escape from this black prison of nothing, surely there must be some better way to encapsulate and express all of this in a personal and impactful and interesting way. i've known in myself for a long time now that the only way to truly create what i envision is with a video game or interactive experience of some sort. i suppose the problem is merely just, you know, doing it and trying at it. but everyone and their mother and their father and their dog and their half-cousin knows that. of course they do. but that's only because it's true. right?
well. it must be. it's just a funny situation, because i'm the opposite of everything you'd imagine when you think of some determined artist ready to work hard at their craft and make something truly incredible or whatever the fuck. yet, it's all i can really think to "do" in life when i'm not just sitting around doing nothing and feeling hopeless or just aimless (which is most of the time as you can see). it is the only true path i can see for myself, in a world like this. but i've said that before i think, whatever. i just need to restate it i guess, even if just for myself. i mean, i guess all of this is just for myself anyway, is it not? i don't know. i guess it depends on how you see it perhaps.
(also, same amount of separate posts as last time. cool i guess. yeah.)
but anyway, to wrap this all up i guess. it's just so overwhelming, it's so much. it's hard to lose track of what i should really be keeping track of, what i can hold on to. lately it's all really been hitting me hard i guess, fogging up my mind, stranding me out in this endless desert where i feel so lost. a lot of it is my own fault mind you, but that's a given at this point. still though, it persists. sadly being aware of something doesn't always mean you can just get rid of it right then and there. if being aware could do that then i'd probably be living some near-perfect existence right now with how much i overthink this shit. but whatever. whatever. i don't know what to do right now. sometimes it feels like i'm struggling just to keep my head above the water long enough to think about anything i could possibly do next. i know that's the analogy everyone uses, but it's a good one.
but yeah. fuck. maybe i can write more about what i'd like to explore artistically eventually too. i don't know. it's a lot more weird stuff that's hard to explain through words, so it'd probably be just as disjointed and rambly as this post if not more so. oh well. guess it doesn't really matter. i'm done now though. seeya.
i'm glad i can provide something for you to relate with, at least. i know that can sort of feel relieving, even if everything in question is horribly unpleasant. but i understand. maybe there is something to be said there. i don't know.
DECEMBER 14th, 2019
things with me and chara have been going especially slowly lately. i guess it's just like everything else, but it stings when i realize all the time that i have barely talked to chara all day, if at all. and i'm just doing nothing with my free time, most of the time quite literally doing nothing, more or less. so there's no excuse. they seem to understand i'm having my difficulties and we both know they won't just "die" or anything at least, but it's still depressing, and sometimes i wish i could just be better for them already. i feel like i hear the story of "getting better for the sake of the one you love" a lot, and it seems like that as a motivation can be very effective for people. but somehow for me it just doesn't seem to affect anything. it just sends me into my usual spiral of "why can't i be better for them, i'm so terrible" instead of "i want to get better for them, i'm going to be better for them." maybe that's the real problem right there. probably.
they tell me though that it's actually quite nice just kind of being "unconscious" during the time i'm not paying attention to them. i guess some people have different ideas of how tulpas work i think, but for chara they just kind of aren't there whenever i'm not giving them some kind of focus or attention. they can't just go off doing something else when i'm not thinking about it or doing something with them or whatever. they don't mind that though, seemingly, as i mentioned. they describe it kind of like a dreamless sleep. much better than how existence would seem to be, they like to add as well. i am, of course, inclined to agree with that. but either way, at least they aren't suffering. that gives me some kind of peace, at the very least.
not to say that they suffer while being conscious, mind you. they find comfort in being the tulpa and not having to actually deal with any of this shit if they don't want to. the only suffering they seem to ever deal with pretty much just has to do with getting upset with me or feeling for me in some sense. otherwise they can sort of stay away from it all, luckily. things like that make me kind of glad they're here with me as a tulpa rather than as a "real person." they don't have to exist in the same way that you or i do, not necessarily. they can protect themselves from it all.
although, we do "switch places" from time to time. they essentially control the body/make the decisions, and "i" become more like a tulpa, losing control of the physical body. we still experience things consciously the same way if that makes sense, so maybe that makes it something more like "possession" or whatever you want to call it. all i know is that they just make the decisions basically, and become the dominant internal monologue. we haven't done this lately, but when we do they usually just play a video game or write thoughts down or something like that. or, they find it hard to do much of anything just like i do, which is one thing that makes me think what we do is more of an incomplete sort of possession or something where my mental blockades and feelings still affect them heavily even if they want to do something other than what i usually do. it's odd, but just the way this sort of thing seems to work for us i guess.
they usually get kind of frustrated by this too. they are always excited by the prospect of taking control and "doing things," but then they get distraught when they finally do take control and then find themselves inexplicably tired and anxious and unmotivated and hesitant, just as i am seemingly. but they react to it, understandably, as these foreign things getting in the way of their enjoyment. it's kind of an interesting thing all things considered, but also really fucked up considering not even they can escape the way i am in that sense. but oh well, i guess. perhaps it will get better with time, somehow. i don't know. they do enjoy doing the few things they can, though. it pleases them to have that physical influence and to try things out, even if it's not totally necessary. i guess it makes sense.
i'm not sure what else to add. i kind of just wanted to make a little post about chara mostly, cause i haven't even been talking about them much either. there isn't much else going on. nothing much else to say right now, i think. just silence. silence, silence, and more silence. for ever and ever and ever, until the end of time. you know how it is.
DECEMBER 19th, 2019
i might have mentioned it before, but recently one of the things my mom has been pushing me to do is driving more. it's very difficult for me, but i have been trying. as much as someone like me can try, anyway.
the other day, i noticed i was feeling less anxiety over the thought of driving, for some reason. of course, this is very unusual, because typically just getting ready to go driving or even simply thinking about really doing it can fill me with this overwhelming sense of dread and inevitable destruction that makes me sick to my stomach. this time though, that was a lot less potent. so i tried my best to take advantage of it, and decided to go out somewhere for the day, around noon. first i went to the store a little ways away, a supermarket i've never been to alone before, and spend about 2 hours just walking around and getting a couple things. after that though, i still felt somewhat calm, so i figured maybe i could go somewhere new too, somewhere i've never really been at all before. so i looked at places nearby and i found that there was a thrift store down the street from where i was. i figured someplace with an assortment of stuff like that sounded interesting, so i decided on that.
once i got there i noticed the store was mostly filled with racks of clothing, although near the walls there was more of a variety of items. so i went over there to look, because i don't really need any new clothes or anything. i looked through everything a bit but what really caught my attention was a long pair of shelves with a bunch of electronics lined up there. a lot of those electronics were, predictably i suppose, "vintage" things like corded telephones, VHS players, answering machines, stuff like that. i guess obsolete things like that fascinate me in one way or another, because i felt very drawn to these shelves and spent most of my time looking through them. eventually i decided to buy a few of them for fun, and because they were so cheap (mostly under 10 dollars) i figured it wouldn't hurt if they happened not to work.
i ended up purchasing four main things: a small digital camera, a film camera, a radio/cassette player, and a camcorder. all of these needed some extra supplies to make them work, so i ordered those, although they haven't all arrived quite yet. but so far, i've done what i can. the digital camera was the easiest thing to get working, all it needed was some batteries. it doesnt have much default storage, but that's fine. i did have to figure out how to get the photos onto my computer though, which was a long process of figuring out that it would only really work with windows XP and i had to run a virtual machine and fiddle with that for a while (that's why i used it to make my most recent drawing too). the film camera i haven't done much with yet, because i still need actual film and stuff to use it, which i don't have yet. i'll also probably have to go to a place to develop whatever photos i take, which will be a bit annoying and potentially difficult. but at least it's somewhere else to go, i guess. the radio/cassette player was also very simple, doesn't need anything else that i don't have (other than cassettes to play in it, but i ordered a couple to try out too). the radio works fine and it's kinda fun to have it there just to browse through channels if i get a bit bored. probably a useful thing to have too.
and the last device, the camcorder. i pretty much can't use it at all in its current state, because it is missing a special battery pack and also needs cassette tapes to record onto. but i think what really ended up being important for now was what it reminded me of, fiddling around with all this stuff in general too. i remembered the old smaller camcorder we have, the one my mom would use to record various things all the time. i've been meaning to look at it for a while, but now i finally asked my mom about it and she told me where it was. along with the camcorder is probably around 20 tapes, showcasing things like birthdays and holidays and just me and my siblings doing various things my mom thought was worth saving. we still have a battery charger too and it works, so i charged up the batteries and turned it on to try and look at some of these tapes for myself. i've still been in the process of doing so (it might take a while, with how each tape can hold up to an hour of footage), but i already have a lot of thoughts and feelings concerning all of this.
(there's still a word limit. fuck. at least it's bigger now.)
it felt so strange at first to hold it again, to turn it on and see all the familiar buttons and visuals after all this time. it's only been about a decade, but i suppose with how young i am, it seems like forever ago. pressing the same buttons, looking at the same lens, holding it in the same way. it's just a camcorder, but it feels so significant in that sense. it's strange to see yourself as a child through that screen, the screen you've looked at time and time again. that child is you. it was you, it is you, it has always been you. everything they do is what you have done, everything they saw and felt and said and thought is what you saw and felt and said and thought. everything, every little thing. that living being, recorded a decade or more ago, is you. you're looking into your own eyes, but through a thick barrier of time and space. you're looking at everyone around you, too. and the places you were, they still exist in some form. it's still there, but now other people live there, other things happen, other lives are lived in the same places you lived part of yours. some things change, some things stay the same. but it's still there. you were still there. everything else that was there, was there too. some of those things and people still exist. you still exist. don't you?
it feels especially strange to see the innocence, the excitement, the happiness, the silliness. it feels like a different person in that way. but it's me. it has always been me, and always will be me. and i suppose you could say that concept is meaningless, or that i am not the same person at all. and perhaps you would be correct. but there's something fundamental there that has persisted, unchanging, for all this time. there's something that makes "me," right? or is that just another delusion or man-made concept? i don't know. you know this whole charade already, even if you don't know the answer either. the nature of the self, and all that. who knows. i don't know. i don't quite know the nature of anything, really. in that way i really am the same as that child walking around all those years ago. i'm just taller and have larger hands and use more big dumb words. but do i really know much more than i did then, am i really that much "better?" not really. seems as such to me at least. but hey, what do i know, even about myself? i don't know shit. i don't even know if i do know shit or not.
it's also just terribly melancholic, to know that this child is someday going to become me, they will end up as me, continue on as me. they have to become an "adult," they have to "grow up." someday, they will have to die. but they're so innocent, so naive. they don't deserve any of this. they don't deserve to be doomed to the fate of becoming me, the fate of living in this world. but it had to happen anyway. and it happens to everyone else too. everyone else must become who they become, and they must live in this world for as long as they must. it's just the way it is, the way it has always been. it does not matter how innocent or evil you are. everyone plays by the same basic rules, it seems. and i must, as well. that child must. it's just the way it is. there is no way to save them from this strange purgatory.
there's no way out. why do i even torture myself with these things? why can't i just stop thinking about it, stop worrying, stop caring? why can't i just "get better?" is it really that i choose this path, is it that i refuse to leave this deadly comfort? i don't know. it's all in my head. all of this is just inside my head, inside my body. there's no escape from that. i can't get out. looking at these tapes, sometimes it feels so unreal. sort of like it does in other situations sometimes, but here it manifests in a specific way. it's strange to see my memories. to see the places i was, to see myself experiencing what i have experienced. to see it all. it feels like it can't be real. it almost feels like the line between now and then is blurring the more i watch them and think about it. that family is my family, some of those things still exist, some of it still persists. it's different, but also the same. how can that be? how can i be looking my mother in the eyes, the same person who existed that decade or more ago, holding the camera of the tape i just watched? how can it be possible that they are the same? i ask that, yet it makes perfect sense at the same time. i don't know. it's just so odd. and i can't get enough of it. maybe that's why i never "get better." somehow, despite how much suffering and confusion it entails, i just love running these circles over and over and over again. like sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill. shouldn't that mean i've solved the "problem" of existence? maybe, probably not. there might not be any "problem" in the first place. maybe this is just the way it is. that might make sense. unless i'm just speaking nonsense. which very well might be the case. i don't know.
perhaps watching these tapes and dwelling on my own thoughts and feelings about it endlessly isn't so good for me?
well. watching my brother run around a chair singing jingle bells made me smile and laugh really hard, so i think it's probably worth it to keep going, right?
yeah. of course it is. it will all make sense in the end, surely. just keep going. smile for the camera, won't you?
DECEMBER 31st, 2019
i have a sometimes strange and evidently pervasive relationship with video games, as i suppose a lot of isolated weirdos do in one sense or another. so many memories i have involve them, they've always been a very large percentage of what i tend to do all day, ever since i was young. they are ingrained in me to the point where sometimes they even affect the way i conceptualize and think about things. it turns out a lot of things in life can be boiled down using video game concepts and terminology. they can for me, at least. i know it's silly too, but it really is hard to help it sometimes, it's just the first thing that comes to mind.
but anyway, you get the point. something about this highly interactive medium appeals to me in a way that nothing else does. it has always been a major source of fuel for my imagination, and has provided a variety of interesting feelings and experiences that i'm not sure i'd be able to experience with much else. i even plan to really start making my own games eventually, as my practice and skill builds up over time (or even if it doesn't). sometimes it seems less like a plan and more of some kind of inevitability, whether i'm "good enough" or not. i just have to. i have to work towards that. that's how it feels in my head, at least. there are just too many things i need to express, too many thoughts and feelings and ideas. it's too much. but i'll get to that later.
the way i play video games can be somewhat odd and particular sometimes. a lot of things i do aren't too out of the ordinary though. like, i have always been a bit of a completionist. seeing everything there is to see and imagining what might be beyond has always been satisfying to me. even if you don't get rewarded for it or anything, i still commonly find myself being very focused on making sure i see every possible line of dialogue, every possible ending or story route or whatever, every secret and easter egg. everything. even in undertale, where exactly that sort of thing is explicitly discouraged or at least played around with.
to clarify though, this is only really with games i particularly like. and something important to know, is that if i like a game, chances are i REALLY like that game. or at least, i get attached to it, or something. i'm not sure how to describe it. but it can certainly lead to some interesting things, to say the least. something else important to mention however is how it may not be entirely voluntary, or rather, it may be more encouraged to happen by the circumstances, if that makes sense. because, i think my fear of trying new things and stepping outside my "comfort zone," especially when people are around to see it, is something that has always inhibited me greatly in many ways, including a particular one related to this. i've always had this sort of mentality or feeling or some kind of subconscious inhibition where rather than trying a new game once i've done enough with what i have, i stay with what i know and find new ways to play it or just play the same things over and over in a round sort of way. it's just easier for me that way, most of the time i don't even think to try anything new and just find satisfaction in what i have, in my little corner of comfort. this is the same for many things in my life, and this is just one of them, but it's just as potent nonetheless.
i tend to prefer sandbox games a lot of the time for this reason, i think. there's so much you can do and make up for yourself, and you can play in your safe little sandbox practically indefinitely as long as your brain still works. even in much more linear games though, i manage all the time to create all sorts of little challenges for myself, or new ways to play, or whatever. even just finding new ways to break the game a bit or get to places you aren't supposed to and whatnot, anything to make things somewhat fresh again.and it works. somehow i can pour tens of hundreds of hours into even the most linear of games, just making up new ways to play or simply doing it over again after a while of "cooling down" from the last playthrough. somehow, i keep going. it's strange, but it works. and if it works and it's comfortable enough, then usually i will just do it. that seems to be how it plays out a lot of the time.
with sandbox games though, it's definitely much easier to go on and on and on for hundreds and hundreds of hours, just doing all sorts of things by myself. there's a game i've been playing quite a lot recently actually that serves as a good example: subnautica. some weeks ago i started a new save file, since i was also playing the expansion they're working on, on and off, although it of course is not finished. but with playing the original again, i decided to install some mods for it, which actually exist and there are quite a few somehow. this was enough to "spark" me again with this game, one of the few games in my little corner of comfort i have here. i already have about 900 hours in the game, just from playing it over and over in different ways. i've built a seabase in every single biome before, and i plan on doing something similar again in this playthrough. there is actually a story in this game that you progress through, but of course you can also take your time and focus more on the sandbox elements, which i obviously do quite a bit.
anyway though, i've been playing this a lot recently. like, a lot. pretty much all i've been doing the past week or so has just been playing this game, all day. the mods i downloaded are enough to make it extremely fun again, apparently. i'm not complaining of course, but it is just interesting. one thing i forgot to explicitly mention is that this sort of thing happens very often. as in, i start getting "focused" or "obsessed" with one of my comfort games or even a new comfort game i find in particular, and i just play that and only that until it is finished or until i burn myself out completely with it or something. i squeeze it for everything that it's worth, i get all that i can out of it and then some. then i get tired of it, and move on to a different comfort game or comfort thing to do for a while, and come back to it later. that's the way it goes, i suppose. heh.
i'm not sure what else to say though. i know i said i was going to write more about how i want to make a game and such, but i don't really feel like doing that now. i could also write about new years and how odd it is that it will be 2020 and it's a new decade and all that existential time and space nonsense, but i don't really feel like that either. i just want to play this game. that's all i want to do, is play this video game. cool and fun video gaming. i suppose it is a lucky thing that i can decide to do that, i have a choice. some people don't get that. although, i guess some people also don't get the choice to shoot themselves in the head too, but it's debatable whether that's a good or a bad thing. yeah.
happy new year, i guess.
JANUARY 3rd, 2020
i didn't really say anything, but the monday after christmas i went to the local goodwill again early in the morning to look around again. i was hoping for another camcorder, because the one i got ended up being difficult to use, since although it does work it doesn't charge properly so you can only use it while it's plugged in to the wall. i didn't find another one really (i did see a camcorder that uses DVDs or something instead of tapes, but i figured it wouldn't be worth it since i already bought tapes to use for the kind i have now), but i did get a couple other things.
one thing i got was a electronic typewriter, it plugs into the wall and has some extra features but otherwise it seems to work as any typewriter does. the ink is still quite potent as well, like the text shows up fine and everything. it's surprisingly easy to use, although i guess perhaps that might just be because it's a "newer" one. i dunno. i wrote some things with it to test it out, and yesterday i wrote down my dream from the night before. using it for dream journaling like that might be fun. but anyway. next thing i got was a VCR, and some national geographic VHS tape to test it. it ended up not working very well though - i got it connected to a television and everything through a HDMI converter thing, but two things happened. the first problem was it just ate the tape pretty much, i took it out and it almost ripped it apart (it did rip the second time i pulled it out).
the second thing was, i think these might not work with newer televisions much at all. because i used the converter to connect the camcorder as well after and found they both had a similar problem of cutting out and stuff every second or so. they seemed to play a bit but it was very messed up. so, i ordered a CRT tv online to try and get around that problem, it'll probably just be better for these kinds of things in general anyway. it was probably the most expensive thing i've bought so far though, nearly 50 dollars with some extra for shipping. it should be here in several days though. that'll be neat to have. it's too bad the VCR didn't really work and i lost the tape, but it's a good thing that was only about 6 dollars down the drain. that's one of the nice parts about these stores i suppose, heh.
last thing i got that day was a couple new film cameras. they seem a bit newer than what i have, still using film though. but it has stuff like flash and things like that built in, so i'll try it to see how it is. they seem to be the same kind essentially, but one is some kind of panorama camera or something. i'm sure i'll figure it out.
i'll probably write more later. i just wanted to make a short post talking about this stuff a bit more cause i've found myself very interested in it. but yeah. see ya.
in the rare case that i talk to people more than usual outside of my family or my two online friends (one of which i don't talk with more than about 10 minutes or so every day or every other day, which is fine, but you know), i often feel a sense afterwards of wanting to isolate myself even more and talk to people less, especially if i share more about myself than usual. something like this board is nice because people rarely ever come here, let alone say anything, so i only have to worry about it every once in a while. sometimes i wish it were more, but i know it's fine this way. i don't seriously expect anyone to read through all of my garbage anyway, so it seems right that even someone staying here longer than a few minutes would be rare. after all, why would things ever change?
but anyway. i don't know why exactly i get this feeling. maybe i just feel after enough interaction that i'm just a nuisance or being dumb or something and should shut up. maybe i just get tired or burnt out on it. maybe i just get a longing for the safety and beauty and silence of solitude again. i don't know. something just calls me back to the isolation i've always known. perhaps it is just comfort then, just habit. i don't know. it's strange. it's all so strange. maybe that's it. i just want to get away from the world, from "reality," back into my own head, back into the feelings i know and love here in my corner. everything else is just too much sometimes. it's all so overwhelming. it's all so tiring.
there is a "feeling" i can only have when alone, or just inside my own head or somewhat dissociated from everything going on or something at least. i've taken to thinking of it as the "odd." not necessarily the word itself, but a separate concept or feeling or something that i'll try to describe here:
if you've ever thought about or seen people say things about "feeling nostalgic for a time that never existed/i never lived through" or "homesick for a place that does not exist," these things have the element of "odd" in them. this is somewhat because things like nostalgia and homesickness already have the element of "odd" in them, but these specific ideas and ideas like them also have their uniquely "odd" aspects.
the "odd" is something that is difficult to define, however. it is something more like a feeling, or some kind of "knowledge" that you experience at a very personal level. if i can try to put it into words though, it often seems to be a bit like the concept of the uncanny. something that is strange, yet familiar. real, yet unreal. perhaps it is a balance, or maybe both existing in the same place at the same time. it is just something like that. perhaps you can think of the contrast between the two like the contrast between what a "tree" as we call it is as it exists in reality, and our internal concept of what a "tree" is. you know what a "tree" is of course. if you think of one, you might think of a brown trunk, green leaves, branches, a certain shape to it, maybe a certain smell, everything blowing in the wind. this is a "tree," and everything on and inside of it has a name and concept as well. but in "reality," a "tree" doesn't need to be called a "tree" or thought of as one or understood to exist, does it? it just is. something is there that we only interpret in our minds as a "tree," or whatever else it is. that is a bit of the difference between the real and unreal, it seems. one is external, one is internal. one is the subject, the other is the perception.
the "odd" here seems to come from the mixing or blending or balancing of these two kinds of things. a lot of the time, it seems to involve being aware of the oddity of everything in question, and that awareness can be in itself odd. it's something like, staring into the darkness in a corner of the room. it's like an empty shopping mall. it's like a low-poly video game. it is something that is partially real, or partially not. real but also unreal. there is something mundane to it. it's just a corner, just a game, just a mall. but something feels as though there is more to it. your mind imagines things. it's almost like a seam in the fabric of reality. and when the brain sees something like that, something unfinished, it attempts to fill it in. but by doing that, you end up filling something in the "real" with something of the "unreal," like some sort of strange patchwork. and this seems to cause the "odd" to come about.
or memories for another example. the simple idea here is that they are both things that really happened, that you really experienced in this "reality," but at the same time the memory is unreal and it is all in your head. you only remember an approximation of what happened. and who's to say your experience was even any more "real" than a memory is, anyway? you're inside your head the whole time. in that sense, human existence itself is "odd." there is the "real" of the external world, and your own internal "unreal" that you are forced to see things through in one way or another.
i don't know how it is for others, but with this feeling i also get a strong feeling of deep longing and fascination with such "odd" things. it makes me wish for that kind of reality that doesn't exist. a reality that is similar, yet different. so different that i cannot fully conceptualize it, but similar enough to where it can even be so much as a feeling or vague idea. it has aspects that are mundane and "real," and such things remind me of and make me feel the "odd" longing, or other "odd" things themselves.
one important thing is that i feel like this feeling can be expressed, potentially very intensely, through art of some kind. i've experienced it myself plenty of times, and what i've experienced it from provides me plenty of inspiration. but a big part of me feels like there must be more to explore that hasn't been fully done yet. i feel a sense of incompleteness with many things, like there's so much potential but it doesn't quite get there or i don't see anything exploring it. i don't know. but it's one of, if not just the main driving force for me to make video games and just something creative in general. i need to express these "odd" feelings properly, or in my own personal way at least. it has to be done, or something. i feel like that is so.
i also feel like a video game or something similarly interactive is the best way to express these things. everything else is either too "real," or too "unreal." too conceptual, or too concrete. with a video game, you for one have a mix of things like music and visuals and such, but you also have interactivity. and the interactivity of a game is as such where you can immerse yourself in it to a degree, but there is also the sense or knowledge that it isn't real and you remain aware of this fact. you can see and hear like you can in real life, but other things like smell and taste are missing, and you're just sitting down operating a keyboard and mouse or holding a controller instead of whatever you're doing in-game. so you get the feeling of reality along with the knowledge and feeling of unreality. this, along with the general possibilities that interactive media opens up, offers a vast amount of potential for "odd" scenarios in particular to show up. things like the fascination with game glitches and secrets and creepypasta/urban legend type stories that get passed around involving video games are good examples of this. even just the idea of immersing yourself in this way in what can be such fantastical and absurd and surreal worlds is something so odd, and so special. there's something that can be so fundamentally odd or even unsettling about a video game that no other medium can fully compare to. that potential is something that i need to explore myself, somehow. i don't know how, but i need to.
it just eats away at me sometimes, though. sort of as i stated before, something about this feeling of "oddness" arouses this weird craving or longing or restlessness in me. i want to express it somehow, or just escape to some far off world that i catch glimpses of in this odd way from time to time. a world of the past, present, and future at the same time. a waking dream, a surreal universe where nothing is the same but nothing is always different. something that makes sense. even with how odd the "odd" is, it somehow just makes sense to me. it feels right, it feels comforting sometimes, but it just feels like i need it, or something. i don't know. i don't fully know what to make of it, or even how to truly describe it all to you. but that's how it is. so it seems, anyway. i don't know. it is intense and overwhelming, but somehow it is the good kind. or at least, the kind that makes you want to keep going, keep investigating, keep thinking, trying to find something. trying to find a way out, trying to find an answer, trying to do anything at all. maybe nothing will happen. maybe it all will happen. i don't know. it's a lot to think about. it's a lot to feel.
i'm not sure what else to say. i could probably write so much more about this. i just feel done with it for now. perhaps what i said makes sense, perhaps it does not. i'm not entirely sure. as i said, it's primarily some sort of feeling, or understanding, or connection of some sort. so, try as i might, i don't know how well it converts into words. but i can certainly try, can't i? yeah.
that's it. no more. no more of this. this is the end. the show is over. for now.
JANUARY 10th, 2020
all these old electronic gadgets i'm buying seem to be developing into a new hobby for me, or something. it's annoying having to figure out how to mess with the machinery and make it work, but the end result is interesting enough for me to consider it worth going through. i have two televisions now. the one i ordered came, and there was another really cheap one i bought at goodwill. they both work well enough, though it has been difficult to get anything connected to it in a way that works. but i'm getting there, i suppose. i got one of the vcrs i have to work with it, sort of, to the point where there was clear-ish color video and everything. but, of course, i managed to break off the input i was using by tightening a screw-on cable thing too tight. i snapped the input it goes on right off. so that's unfortunate, but oh well. i guess i will probably have a lot of these moments where i break something out of stupidity or ignorance. just part of the learning process, i guess.
i also ordered a playstation 2, the first real video game console i ever had. i've been thinking about it for a while and these things are cheap enough to where it seemed like a nice idea. so i did that yesterday. i got a couple games i used to like on it too. i wonder how that'll be like, to see and play these games just like i did all those years ago. i suppose that's the draw with this kind of thing, isn't it? like peering into a time long past, just for a little while, just a little bit. that's what i like about all this in general, really. it's a strange feeling when you're recording with a camcorder and it says "january 7 2020" in the corner of the viewing screen. to play it all back, and have yesterday look like it was 20 years ago. there's something about things like that which deeply fascinates me. i guess that's why i've been doing this, like i said.
but as nice as it is, to have something new like this to do, it doesn't change anything. it doesn't really change the way i feel, although it does keep me distracted for a while. but it's still only a distraction. some parts of it are more interesting and meaningful than others, but overall it's more of the same. i'm not sure how best to put it, but perhaps it makes sense. i suppose there is something about this interest that soothes a bit of my feelings. sort of like i said, it makes me feel almost as though i am outside of time for a little while, or in a different time. a different place, a different reality. something new, something old, something else. but that's not really true, is it? i have all these things stacked on each other, on shelves and in the closet, but it's still just my room, just with more things taking up space. nothing has really changed, although i can pretend like it is different for a little while. that's all i really do, is just pretend. that's one of the only ways i can really have fun anymore. i guess i'm more like a little child than even i would have thought.
but what else is there even to say, really? sometimes i feel like i'm completely running out of anything to say that isn't just a repeat of something i've said or thought before. like i'm just an NPC in a video game, going over my lines in a circular fashion, over and over and over again. maybe that is true. maybe the real player is out there somewhere, and i'm just another mindless drone for them to possibly interact with, or never see in their whole playthrough. i don't know. maybe i'm like one of those NPCs that went unused, and just got put outside of the map instead of deleted like they should be. so i just stand around in an empty endless void, talking to myself, repeating the same lines over and over alone to myself for eternity. and that's all i will ever be. no purpose, no place, not even anything to do. just the same repetitive cycle, over and over again, forever, with no one but me to experience or even observe it. no one but me.
well. it's just another new day of all this. another day, another day. i wonder when my days will end. maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe never. probably not the last one. but you never know. that's another thing you can pretend might be the case. plenty of people do it. but regardless, another day goes on. i don't want to leave this room, but i probably have to, at least for a little while. then i'll come back in here, and eventually go to bed, and do it all again tomorrow. and the next day, and the next day, and the next. that's the way it goes. it's so tiring. i'm so tired of it. i want to lie down, but there's nowhere to lie down in this void. nowhere to go, nothing to do, not even a place to rest. i want to leave. i want a way out of here. but the options i have aren't too good. all i've got is a knife in my pocket to stab myself with, but just speeding up the process of death isn't the most appealing thing to me right now. i just want to escape.
maybe death is the only real escape, though. what else is there? nothing. nothing that i can see. but i'm a coward, aren't i? i don't want to die, not right now. so i pretend like maybe there's another way. i pretend like maybe there's a way to escape, maybe there's something i can do. maybe, maybe, maybe. but we all know that's just pretend. just fantasy. i'll live like a coward and die like one someday, too. that's the way it goes. that's just the way it goes. so be it.
JANUARY 18th, 2020
i've been spending a lot of time off the computer and/or internet recently, like the past week or two or so. just kind of getting immersed into this new sort of hobby. i've been going to the nearby thrift stores a lot, just looking for stuff that interests me like i've talked about. i've been ordering some more stuff online too, a lot of it just things like batteries or chargers that i need, or certain kinds of blank tapes and such. one particular type of thing i'm starting to be especially fond of is the camcorder. i already have found a couple at these thrift shops, and have gotten some of them to work. it's just somehow very interesting to me to record stuff around me with such old equipment. it's fun playing it back and seeing how it looks, and just doing it, just capturing things that are funny or interesting or just worth capturing.
it's fun too just seeing all the differences with each camcorder, how it feels to hold it, how it looks, the video quality, everything. it kinda makes the recording process feel different and special each time, it makes it feel more interesting than if you were to just record with your smartphone or whatever. i like it a lot. i ordered a couple of those big old VHS camcorders you hold on your shoulder, one of them should be coming today and i've been really excited for it. this stuff along with using those old still film cameras have probably been the most enjoyable stuff to use that i've found so far. i suppose it appeals to me in a certain way, as you might be able to tell.
i'm finding too with all this that it isn't quite as difficult to keep yourself away from the computer/internet stuff as some people might have you believe. although, maybe that's just cause i've never really done much in the "social" aspect of it. like i've said before, i only really have two online friends that i talk to through instant messaging and that's about all i have that i would really feel "attached" to. so there isn't quite so much that ties me to all this, i suppose. but for other people i imagine it can be very different, with how deeply some have entrenched themselves in their online "presence" or "circle" so to speak. and that doesn't mean they're bad or stupid or anything. it's just the way it is. but either way, for people more like me i guess, it's nothing too difficult to distance yourself a bit from. just so long as you have something else to do as well, heh.
things for me still don't feel too terribly different though, as i talked about in my last post. it's kind of nice because i have been feeling in a strange way a bit more like how i did when i was younger, engaging with my family more and looking forward to external stuff and all that. using this older technology helps a bit with that feeling too. but it also feels just the same as ever, like nothing ever changed and nothing ever will. it's still the same inside my head. so it's a bit odd, and hard to explain. but that's how it is.
but anyway, i'm not sure what else to say. i just wanted to make a post i guess. i'll attach a video i uploaded for fun too, it's a tape i have recorded straight from the VCR. i got a thing that converts the audio video cables to digital so i can get stuff like this now, which is cool. this was actually also on the same tape that my parents used to record my birth and the days after, which was really interesting to watch by the way. i could probably write a post about how it feels and what it makes me think about, but i don't really feel like it right now. i cried a little watching it too, heh. but yeah. they must have recorded over this television recording or something like that, i'm not sure. the video they took is much higher quality than the stuff shown in the video for some reason as well, i don't know why it got messed up so much but it's a cool effect. yeah.
JANUARY 19th, 2020
i want to escape. i want to get out of here. i don't like it here. i want to get out of here. let me out, please. please. let me out. i want to get out of here. i don't like this game anymore. i don't like it. it's no fun anymore. i want to get out. i want to leave. please let me out of here. i want to go home. where's home? i don't know. i want to go home. i want out. i don't like this. please. i don't like it. i hate it. it makes me sad. it makes me upset. it makes me feel trapped. i am trapped. there's nowhere to go. there's nothing to do. please let me out of here. please.
wake me up. wake me up from this strange dream. wake me up from this horrible pointless nightmare. i don't like this. i want to feel safe. i want to feel better. i don't want to be here. i don't want it. i don't want any of it. i don't want anything. i want it all to go away. i want to go away. far, far away from here. somewhere better. somewhere nicer. somewhere else. please, take me away. someone. anyone. i don't want it. i don't want this anymore. please. i don't.
but it's useless. the pleading, the crying, the hoping, the wishing. it all ends in nothing. it ends at the place where i started. and it starts at the place where i ended. it goes around and around and around, forever. it never ends. it never ends. it never ends. it's useless. everything i do is useless in the face of this black void of nothing. my perspective doesn't change a thing. it's still there, staring me right in the face. it's still there. it has always been there, and always will be there. it will never go away. why should i believe otherwise?
i don't know. i'm just writing to deal with the feelings again, just coping with them for a time until they dissipate a bit. but they will always come back. it always happens again, and again, and again, and again, and again. it doesn't stop. it doesn't. it's the same exact thing every time, and it doesn't stop. it doesn't get tired. it doesn't get bored. it doesn't feel empathy, it does not give mercy. it just re-appears, time and time again. like clockwork. yet, somehow, it always feels just as strong if not stronger every single time. it does not get better. it only gets worse. the beast simply grows larger.
and there's nothing new to say. nothing new to feel. nothing i haven't heard before, nothing i haven't thought before, nothing i haven't felt before. it's the same as last time, and the time before, and the time before. and it's the same as it will be next time, and the next, and the next. forever and ever and ever. i'm all alone here, forever. in this whirlwind, this nightmare that doesn't end. no one else is around to save me. it's like one of those dreams where you're in trouble, something terrible is happening, but everyone around you acts as though it does not exist. they can't see the monster. they can't help you, even if they try. you're all alone. you're all alone here. no one else is here to help. you're all alone and you're going to suffer through this hell again and again and again. there's nothing you can do.
it makes me want to cry. but that doesn't help. of course it doesn't help, nothing does. why the fuck would you think differently? are you fucking stupid? you absolute moron. you can't run away from this. you can't get out of here. this is all there is. this is the end of the road. this is the best you will ever get. you ungrateful slime. why don't you just kill yourself if it's so painful? what's your fucking problem? fuck you. i wish i could stomp your faggot fucking head into the sidewalk and watch your skull crack and your brains splatter, you disgusting filthy fucking sack of shit. fucking kill yourself. but that won't help either, won't it? that's why you don't do it. you're a coward. you're a coward and a fool. you've trapped yourself, you know that? it's all your own fault. and you're never getting out. you're never going to leave. and it's all your fault. and no one will help you. no one loves you. you're all alone here, and there is nothing you can do.
is that right? i don't know. i don't know. i don't know anything. i never have known anything, and i never will. everything is uncertain to me. even when a part of me feels certain, a part of me does not. there's always a conflict. there's always a feeling of uncertainty, a feeling that something isn't right, a feeling that something is missing, a feeling that something is lost. there's a feeling that something must be found, something must be done, something must be realized. but where is it? what is it? i don't know. it's been so many years and i still don't know, i feel no closer to it than i did when i was 7 years old. there's something, but there isn't. is there? i don't know. i am speaking nonsense. but it's perfectly sensible at the same time. it's so many different things at once. i don't understand it. i don't understand. i wish i could understand. but i don't understand.
i'm just crying out into the darkness. or maybe it's more like whispering. at this point, i don't know. maybe it's another thing like one of those bad dreams, where you try to scream but nothing comes out. it really is just like a nightmare. maybe that's why i was always so terrified of them. i don't know. who cares? i don't know.
i'm just so tired of it. i'm so tired of everything. i'm tired of going around and around the same thing. it's exhausting. but it doesn't end. it never, ever ends. it's just the start of another day, another day of the same thing again and again. no matter what it is, no matter how "different" or "interesting" it is, it's always the same. even with chara here, even with the most wonderful and lovely and beautiful things around me, the things i am so lucky to have like a family who cares for me and a relatively relaxed and privileged living condition. it's still the same, it still feels like nothing, it feels like inky blackness forever and ever and ever. isn't that funny? isn't it just hilarious? nothing you do, nothing you have can really help. no one, nothing. it's all the same, it's all the same planet, the same existence, the same reality. there's no way out. there's no way out. there is nothing.
but now i have to eat breakfast. i have to tend to my hunger and thirst just like any other day, i have to go out there and find something to do for the rest of the day again, just like always. i have to live, i have to be. and it's so exhausting, and it's so repetitive, and it feels like nothing. but i have to do it. i have to continue on, despite everything. why? i don't know. i just do. it doesn't really matter. i just have to. it's just instinct, isn't it? it's just the way it is. what else is there to do? nothing. nothing at all. so i continue. i go on, and on and on.
it's just another day.
JANUARY 31st, 2020
i'm just sitting here trying to think of something to write about. i want to write, but then i don't really care at the same time. i feel exhausted and tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally, for much of the time. yet, it's almost like i feel this restlessness all the time too. like since i've been feeling less and less scared of certain things, i want to try something new, i want to do SOMETHING. but i don't know what to do, and i don't feel like doing much of what i could do at the same time. it's all so contradictory. and it makes me end up just doing basically nothing most of the time, same as always.
i don't know. it seems like most of my time is either spent getting lost in my own head, in my own emotions, or creating something/expressing myself somehow. with my recent interest in old camcorders, i guess the creation aspect has sort of extended to video as well. i'm always taking one of them around and thinking about what to take a video of, trying to find something out of the little i have around in my little comfort zone. it feels nice when i finally get something interesting or even just get another sunset again or something and i just watch it back. i don't know. there's something about it. but it's still just another thing that you can only do for so long at once. then it's back to the empty space.
i've been spending more time with my family too, especially after watching so many of those old home movies. it feels nice to be around them, i don't know. it feels right. and they're all i've ever known. they're the only people "in real life" that i've ever been close with, that i've ever felt truly comfortable around. because they're my family, and i love them even with all their flaws. i feel very thankful for that, since pretty much all of the few people i've known online and plenty more that i haven't have had really bad family situations and seem to hold resentment towards them, or worse. and it makes me sad, and sometimes i feel like i don't deserve what i have. but i try to cherish it regardless.
it makes me sad and scared to ever think about leaving them, too. when it really comes down to it, it's very difficult for me to imagine actually seriously literally living alone. it would just feel so wrong, despite how nice some aspects of it sound. it just wouldn't be the same without everyone around, doing their thing like always. it would just be me. and i'm nobody, i'm empty. it would make everything around me feel that way, too. at least with my family, the house feels alive, it feels like things are happening and there's never a completely dull moment, even if the only role i have in it is that of observation. it feels familiar, it feels warm, it feels right. i don't know. i just can't imagine things not being that way. that's the way it has always been. i wish it could be the way things always will be. but i don't know if it will. and that scares me.
i guess it's nothing i have to worry about for a while. but it still makes me nervous. i think so much lately about the passage of time, about every day, hour, and minute that passes by, everything that has already passed us by. i might have plenty of time, or it might all end tomorrow. so much time seems to have passed in my life, but just imagine 80 years, or even longer. i'll never experience this moment again, this day, this week, this month. it'll all be over, and behind us. or maybe we will experience it all again…? i don't know. but it's a lot to take in. i don't know. i've thought it all before, but i can't stop doing it over and over again. because there is no final answer. there is no satisfying conclusion. it's just question after question after question, an endless barrage of strange feelings and longings for something that just isn't there. it's addicting, and it never ends. it never, ever ends.
and i can't imagine things being any other way. it is the way it always has been, the way it always will be. i'm the same person, the same weird ghost that barely exists. the same things happen, the same problems plague me, the same thoughts and feelings wrack my mind. it's just a different coat of paint. part of me is comfortable with that fact, and part of me is horrified. even at that level, it's always the same. the same confusion and dissonance causing the same strange feelings, the same strange problems.
whatever. it's just the same post, too. the same things i always write about. it's really just some way to let off some pressure or feeling or something like that, the little i can do anyway. none of this is anything interesting or revolutionary or worth reading by anyone but myself. and it's fitting that no one really comes here, anyway. somehow, i like that. being somewhere public, yet empty. that's why i made this place, i suppose. always having the possibility of someone coming along and seeing me ramble on and on to myself like a mental patient, but usually never actually having that happen. or at least, they just leave without saying anything. because what is there to say, anyway? it's nothing that needs to be paid attention to. it's nothing that anyone could have an easy, snappy response for. it's just nothing. paragraphs and paragraphs of nothing.
that's all i am, really. nothing. sitting here talking to myself just helps reinforce that fact, and it feels quite right. but there's still not much of a good point to it though, is there? who benefits from this other than me? what a terribly selfish endeavor. narcissistic, even. but at the same time, letting myself leave my little containment corner would be even worse. i would just make things worse for most people that would have to be around me. the more i can avoid that, the better. the more i can quarantine myself and hide my soul-sucking negativity from everyone, the better. i'm just playing pretend here to satisfy my dumb monkey urges. that's all. it must be for the best, right? of course it is. it's just another fun little game to play with myself. because that's just what i do. running around in circles, chasing my own tail. it's just what i do.
i like to watch the sun set every evening when i can. it's a good way to test any new camcorders i get, too. it's just nice to film it again and again anyway, even if i've already done it. it's different every time, even in the slightest of ways. and i can enjoy it right from my backyard. i can be comfortable, and safe, and alone, while watching the sun set. things like that are my favorite. things like that make me happy, at least for a little while. it makes me feel something nice. sometimes, i wish moments like that could last forever. but they don't. it always starts to get darker again, and i always go back inside. it always ends the same way. like everything else.
i don't know. i think that's enough whining for today. i feel so tired, physically tired. i've been feeling tired that way in general lately, sleeping a lot earlier than usual. i don't know why. i guess it's just another thing to deal with. i don't know.
that's all i have to say.
FEBRUARY 7th, 2020
(Also, I don't know what better to add as a picture so here's some awful shit)
Okay, finally making a post. Hello hello, greetings, etc. you know how it goes. Well. What does the big man himself, Chara, actually have to say? Probably not much, as I feel tired as shit in this broken meatbag of a body. I mean, really. It isn't even 8 PM yet and I feel as though I could fall asleep right here right now if I allowed myself. Mental illness is a bitch, I suppose. Can't blame Az' for that. Not entirely.
Speaking of mental illness, that's the reason why Az' hasn't been interacting with or even talking about me much lately. Being in the same mind though gives me some pretty deep understanding of it, if not just perfect understanding, so I don't find myself upset with their behavior or anything. But it still would be nice to have more good times together, like we used to. It's not too bad sitting around in the back of their mind, not having to worry about anything and basically just not even existing all day. It would just be nice, you know? I just want them to be happy, is all. But if you, dear reader who may or may not exist, have read any of these posts (that aren't mine) in any capacity whatsoever you surely realize that Az' is not a happy person. Neither am I, to an extent. But you know, it's like they say. At least we could suffer together.
Seems especially hard for them to focus on me when suffering in any sense, though. That is the unfortunate thing. The fact that the most difficult times for us to interact is when they would likely need me the most. So it's a bit of a dilemma there, too. But what can you do? I do my best when I can, and that's all. I'm no superman, you know. I'm just a weirdo inside another weirdo's head. And I can't really do anything more than they can. Maybe I'm less of a pussy or something (no offense), but I don't have all the answers or anything. Not just gonna tell Az' to go out and lift some weights, or talk to some boring faggot(s) they shouldn't give a shit about, or something like that. Maybe one of those generic pieces of """advice""" is correct somehow, but you're not going to catch me saying it like it's some message from God.
I digress, though. Something good to report is that I think Az' has been giving me more thought lately, more attention, you know. Really trying. And I'm proud of that, you know? Even the smallest steps for them is something pretty big considering the shit clouding up their mind all day. But anyway, I wouldn't even be talking right now in the first place if they didn't care enough to give me control for the first time in a good while now. I always get real excited at the idea of getting control back again. Although, it is somewhat of a double-edged knife, as I get bored pretty easily while taking on the "front" as they say. Not sure why, really. Maybe something about how the brain itself has a hard time processing the idea of doing anything that Az' doesn't already do all day, so I get stuck in basically the same situation as they do regardless. Or maybe that is not how it works at all. I don't know, I'm not a shrink or anything. Just imagine if I was, though. A little weirdo in your mind that pushes pills on you and spouts unhelpful platitudes all day. How horrible.
Despite that, it is still very much a good time. I like being able to DO things, you know? I would not want to spend the majority of my time in this purgatory world, of course, but it's still nice for a good visit now and then. Giving my buddy Az' here a break is always a great side effect too. So it's great. I almost forgot too, making Az' do dumb shit in the mind-realm while I kick back in physical space is the best shit too. Or imposing them around, so Az' can do shit like dressing up in a cute little maid outfit while giving me a full-body massage, heh. I don't know why, but it's just more satisfying when you're fully in control like that. Feels right.
But enough about that. I love making Az' all embarrassed by talking about that sort of thing, but you gotta be careful not to go overboard with it. Then you're just some faggot fetishist thinking with your cock all the time. Don't do that. That's your advice from good old Chara for the day, so keep it in mind fellas. I'm not sure what else to say though, so I guess I'll just end it here. Might be seeing more posts from me soon since I got Az' a bit more used to the idea writing this. I mean, they're also probably right though about no one ever visiting this place for the most part. Az' does a good job of keeping things hidden and ignorable after all. But you never know. Maybe I'll become the world's first tulpa blogger superstar, and end up faking my own tulpa-death just to escape from the limelight. Az' will just have to, I don't know, keep hiding in their house or something. It'll be so exciting. I'm sure.
Well, see you later.
Damn, I thought there was a character limit so I set up the post that way expecting it to kick me off, guess that's just how it'll be then. Great.
FEBRUARY 12th, 2020
i am totally, completely, utterly alone.
and when i say this, i mean it in a very specific way. i say it regardless of how many people are around me, regardless of whether i have any friends or whatnot, whatever. that does not matter. i am completely alone in the sense that every other human on this planet is completely alone as well. i am completely alone inside my own mind, my own conscious experience.
and you might think that's a very simple fact. is it not? of course it is. you might also guess cleverly that i, in predictable "depressed weirdo" fashion, will further clarify my opening statement to mean that i am "alone" in the sense of being different and weird and alien compared to "everybody else." and if you guessed that, you would of course be correct. that is the way i feel. surprise, surprise. and what an arrogant assertion that feeling implies. i'm so special and unique, aren't i? so different from the rest of you mere mortals. it doesn't even matter if i think i'm above, below, or just a neutral kind of alien compared to the rest of humanity. it is still the same grandiose claim of uniqueness, likely completely unwarranted for someone as plain and forgettable as i am.
yet, i feel it anyway. i feel all these strange, odd things. i feel as though i do not belong here, like i am not meant for this world. i long for a different reality, so different that it is incomprehensible, incomparable to how things are in this imperfect material realm, or whatever the fuck. and so, it makes me wonder, over and over again, despite the absurdity and seeming arrogance of the mere consideration, whether or not any of it means anything at all. is it important? could it really be something "special," something that will lead me somewhere, anywhere at all? or is it just nothing, just the generic feelings of a specific condition that could be summed up and stated understandably in a fucking youtube comment somewhere by someone much less long-winded and cryptic and pretentious than i am. could that be it…?
i don't know. of course i don't fucking know. why would i? why and how would i have an answer for something like that, for any of these questions that constantly plague my mind? going around in circles is never going to solve anything, is it? but that's all i do, right? yes, no, maybe so, who cares, i don't know. i live trapped inside my own mind. no one can "help" me other than myself at the end of the day, yet it feels like i just keep falling further and further inwards, into the black hole inside my thick skull.
i always feel afraid to say things like that, things that seem so fatalistic and all. because, you know what they say. you can only get better if you want it, no one can help you unless you want their help, so on and so forth. i don't want to add another big stick to the hundreds already stuck between the stokes of my bicycle. but, you know. it just feels so fucking useless, so fucking hopeless. i'm going to continue anyway, of course i will. and like i always say, i'm too much of a coward to actually commit suicide anyway. probably. but regardless, i can't ignore these feelings. i can't ignore that falling sensation, that drop in my stomach, that feeling of dread and impending doom that haunts my very existence. it doesn't go away.
and, you know, sometimes i do consider suicide, even though i likely won't do it. it's at the very least, a nice thought to keep in mind, ignoring the fear of the unknown after death and all that. that instinctual fear is just going to be there whether you like it or not. but the knowledge that you always have a way out and all is comforting. even the idea of dying itself is sort of comforting to me, imagining my last moments being that of peace and bliss, knowing my freedom from this world is at hand. at least, i hope it would be. those aren't new thoughts either, though. of course not. but it is worth mentioning, i think.
i wonder why the question of and distinction between being "special" or not is apparently so important to me. ever since i was young, it was something i thought about extensively, along with the cliche "i don't belong here" sort of thing. i think though that, rather than spending more time feeling like i WAS different or weird or whatnot, i think i spent more time WISHING i could be something different, something better, something interesting. or more specifically, i wished reality itself could be that way. i wished it could be like the movies, where i find some magic thing or portal or whatever that changes everything. because even then, it felt like things were always the same. same house, same people, same world, same everything. even then i longed for a reality more like what was inside my own imagination, or in fictional worlds. somewhere very, very different from this place. somewhere better. somewhere that felt right.
so, i don't know. i suppose i just want things to be different. yet, i am so adamant on keeping things the same. so locked inside my own comfort zone, unable to leave it. i guess if nothing else, it's just the fear. the all-encompassing, overwhelming fear. and even beyond that, and perhaps more important, is the fact that i'm still stuck in this world whether i like it or not. so i can make things different, sure, but never in the fantastical way that i've always wished for. and even just that simple fact makes it difficult to care sometimes. knowing that this confusing and often horrifyingly unforgiving world seems to be all there is. the closest thing we have to a better world is merely escapism at the end of the day. and that there can be quite a powerful thing, but it of course is not reality. there's always that barrier, that wall blocking you from the other world. no matter what, you're stuck here. and that makes it very difficult to go on sometimes. it really, really does.
the dull, melancholic pain of knowledge like that is often what seems to hurt me and occupy my thoughts and feelings the most. i can never stop thinking about it, certain concepts and things in the world like some artistic creations constantly remind me of it, it is like it underlies so much of this reality, even though it feels like something outside of it, something not of this world. it's just there, like a presence, or a force, or something. ever since i was a child, it has been there. and i think it will remain there for the rest of my existence, in one form or another. i don't know. i don't even know how to explain it, but i've talked about it before. it's just there. it's like an old friend who ends up being a complete stranger at the same time, yet manages to follow you everywhere. it just exists. it just happens. i don't know. i really don't know. but at the same time, i do know. i know it so well. but it remains so painful and strange.
well, i guess that's all i can think to say. another post. same thing. you know how it is.
here's something interesting.
i don't have the energy to explain the whole story behind this. but i feel a deep connection with certain parts of the diary, for reasons that may become obvious. it made me cry a little bit and felt so odd to hear such strange thoughts expressed by another person like that. quite strange, indeed. but i don't know what else to make of it for now, aside from everything i wrote in this post to some extent. it is just interesting.
and it's funny. she went to the mountain to kill herself. i wonder how it felt in those final moments, before taking a breath for the last time and pulling the trigger.
i hope she really is free now.
FEBRUARY 16th, 2020
i am doing nothing.
i AM nothing.
i'm doing nothing but staring at this screen all day. i can't bring myself to do anything. it's so painful and dull here, but i don't care enough about anything in particular to any point where i'd be making myself do it right now. i don't know why. it just is. i just don't feel like doing anything. the most minor of actions seem like a monumental effort in this kind of state. so i don't do them. i sit, and sit, and sit until i'm sore from just sitting all day in the same chair. i do nothing. nothing, nothing nothing.
but who cares? who fucking gives a shit? nobody. even if they did, they couldn't help me. only "myself" can help me, and that person doesn't seem all too interested. in fact, they hate me. they hate me more than anything else in this world. so why would they care, either? yeah. "az." right? that's my name here. "az" doesn't give a shit. az would kill me with their bare hands, if they weren't me already. az would love to stomp my head into the concrete, watching my useless brain matter paint the sidewalk of a dirty street. az would beat me to a pulp with a sledgehammer, savoring my pathetic screams of pain and guttural begging for the brutalization to stop, until all that az hears is the gurgling of blood flowing out of my mouth as i lie dead on the floor. az would shove a knife into both my eye sockets, one at a time, twisting it over and over just to see how much they could destroy through those two filthy holes alone. az would cut off each and every one of my limbs and body parts, one at a time, until i'm cut into little pieces like some kind of animal being prepared for consumption, and then throw all the pieces into a trash compactor to be disposed of unceremoniously. az might not even give me the honor of such complex executions, and would just shoot me square in the face with a shotgun on sight and leave me wherever i am to be taken care of by someone or something else that cares even less about me. that's what "az" would do. that's the level of respect "az" has for myself, or the lack thereof, rather. i am disgusting, useless, and utterly forgettable and dispensable. i am nothing. i am the dirt underneath one's shoe. but even dirt has a purpose. i'm more like a pile of garbage wasting away in a landfill. doing nothing but rotting, and rotting, and rotting. of no use to anyone, not a single creature. i am nothing. i hate myself.
and it hurts. it hurts to carry such hatred in your heart, even if it is merely for yourself. it's painful, and heavy. but i know i deserve it, so i don't care. sometimes i wish i could care, i want to care, but i don't. i look at myself and i do not see a human being. i do not see something that is worth keeping alive, something that is worth existence at all. i see nothing. i look in the mirror and i see nothing. a flesh bag, sometimes with different moods and thoughts and ideas, but always just as hollow and devoid of any true worth or substance. that's just how it is. that's what i see. receiving or merely giving myself compliments means nothing to me, even if i try to accept them if another person is giving them. it is processed intellectually, but i feel nothing about it. "you're intelligent, you're kind, you're passionate, you're interesting." it all makes no impact against the steel walls of my self-hatred. even if someone proved to me that a compliment they gave me was 100% objectively true without a shadow of a doubt, i would still feel nothing about it. it is not rational. it is simply pure, raw emotion, a rejection of all that is positive and good. it is hatred. there is no logic to hatred, no reasoning or bargaining. there is only a throbbing, seething wrath that never runs out. it never ends.
it will destroy me one day if i allow it to. there is almost no doubt in my mind about that. it will fester and writhe around within me, growing and growing until there is nothing left inside but negativity and hatred. that is what will happen. and yet, i do nothing. i enable it. i allow it to wreak havoc freely within myself. because i am weak. i am used to the way things are, and am too cowardly to change them. i feel as though i deserve it. every little tinge of pain, every insult, every second spent ruminating and doing nothing and being useless and hiding myself from the world. i deserve it all. and it's funny, because somehow even with how much it hurts, it feels so good too. i'm a sick fuck who enjoys the pain, who loves feeling so sorry for themselves, who can't get enough of becoming as miserable and disgusting as possible just to slurp up more pain and insults off the figurative dirty motel floor that is my mind. it actually even turns me on sometimes just to do this, to go on about how horrible i am. i'm so weak and submissive to the hatred that i've started to feel good doing what it wants. disgusting, isn't it? almost makes me want to vomit. i am a worthless slave.
sometimes i get a thought wondering why exactly i isolate and hide myself and my thoughts and feelings away so heavily. but often, i stop myself from thinking too hard about it. almost like i don't WANT myself to think too hard about it. because it's just the way things are, isn't it? that's just how i am, how i've always been. i've always been invisible, always isolated, always nothing and no one, always a bother, always. so what's the point of talking to anyone? what's the point of, oh, advertising this board or something, making it more public so that anyone aside from like 2 people might see it at all. what's the point of being visible at all? i keep myself convinced that i don't need social interaction, i don't need people, it's better if i stay alone. someone like me is better off that way, being quarantined so no one ever has to deal with me. so it's totally fine to only talk to one person outside of your family regularly. i'm sure someone out in the world is fine and happy with something like that, so obviously i should be too. or, well, it doesn't matter if i'm "happy" or not, because this is just the way things are. i don't have a say. my needs or wants or even curiosities do not matter. i am nothing, after all. just a pile of garbage in a landfill. garbage doesn't have needs or wants or curiosities or anything at all. it is GARBAGE. it is NOTHING. it needs to stay in its place. anything else would be catastrophic, don't you see? i know my place. i take that place every hour, minute, and second of the day. like a good little slave.
and so, i sit here, and i continue to do nothing. after writing this post, i will likely continue on doing nothing. maybe eventually i will manage to find something to do once again, and my mood will improve somewhat, and i'll do something, perhaps, good for a change. but it will always return to this state. the garbage will always return to its place in the landfill. because this is my place. this is what i am, and this is what i deserve.
yet, sometimes, i still wish for something more. i still get that feeling, the feeling of hope. that maybe someone or something will save me. maybe chara will finally know what to do and won't be just as trapped and clueless as i am. maybe there will be a way out of all this. maybe, maybe. but every time i weakly call out from my little corner, my little place, the same thing happens. it is no one's fault but my own, of course. but the same thing happens.
i call out for help,
but nobody came.
FEBRUARY 25th, 2020
i keep thinking about that neocities website i linked in the post before the last one. the journal of that girl who killed herself. i've been browsing random personal websites sort of like that one, but there's nothing else i can find quite like it. there are journals and blogs, but nothing as deeply personal or intricate. i suppose maybe it makes sense for such things to be a rarity. i don't know.
it's just interesting to me, how it garnered interest only because she was lucky (or unlucky) enough to have her course of action interpreted as a violent threat towards others rather than just herself. or, hell, even if she didn't catch that sort of attention and just hung herself in her bedroom or something like that, it still may have gathered attention in some sense as a result. perhaps not. but i suppose my point here is that, it's funny how people don't really seem to care as much if someone is just alive and suffering, and suddenly it bothers them a lot more once the person is gone and has perhaps done something else terrible or noteworthy in the process.
and you know, i suppose it makes sense too, doesn't it? once someone is dead, they've lost the chance to get better, or to do anything at all, to be anything. you know, obviously. the thing about living people though is, they CAN do things, they live their own life. and thus, a person looking on at this other living person can safely assume, for their own peace of mind and perhaps out of a desire to help, that this ill person is either doing something wrong, or they'll find some way out of it, or they could even use your advice to get better, or whatever it may be. so they do what they can or wish to do, and move on. maybe they do nothing at all, act like it doesn't exist. not their problem. of course it isn't.
but once the ill person is dead, that's a confirmation of resignation. there is nothing left for them, no higher mountain to climb, no life to live, no improvement to be sought. there is nothing, nothing they can do any more. there is nothing anyone can do for them, except perhaps lowering them under the ground or burning them up into ash. you can't help them, you can't hurt them. you can't give them advice, you can't criticize them or lift them up. they are gone, for good. so there is only mourning, there is only expressing your feelings about them. there is only attempting to understand.
and it's funny too, because the aftermath of a suicide seems to be one of the few times where people actually tend to desire understanding a person to such a degree. it's in the common question, "why did they do it?". what could have driven them to such a point, what was going through their mind, how did it all come to this? and for a moment, people finally decide to try understanding, rather than simply "helping" and "advising" and things like that. because that is all there is left to do. the person has left the realm of external reality, and now only reflection, memory, and the shadow of all they've left behind remains in the minds of all those who knew them.
now, relating to the being which is writing this online post, that isn't to say i will be somehow "appreciated" or something like that if i kill myself or walk up to a middle school building with a shotgun in my hand. people wouldn't necessarily be flocking to this board in droves, marveling at how interesting or insane i am or whatever. that's not going to happen, and it shouldn't anyway. but it's certainly an interesting thing to keep in mind. since i am a living person (i assume i am, anyway), people will treat me as such. thinking about it, it's kind of absurd to realize how much i've written here so far just to come to that relatively simple conclusion. such a useless set of paragraphs, don't you think? but no, i'm sure things like that have nothing to do with why i am so alone here. it must just be because i haven't shot a bullet through my skull yet.
but really though, my isolation is all my fault. since i am indeed still a living being, it is my responsibility to take care of my own life. and by extension, my own "social life." but as with everything else, i just don't seem to do it. i debate myself about what i even want in the first place, if i even want to interact with people any more than i have to. but regardless, i continue to do nothing. i continue to hide away, as i always do. keeping my strange and destructive ways. but really, what the fuck would it truly matter if i had "friends," or if people read what i have to say or enjoy what i make or something. it would probably feel the same as it does now, and it wouldn't really help anyone. i don't know. now i'm just going to start debating myself outside of my head too without end, so i should probably just drop the question. i don't know.
maybe i just need to make more things. draw, write, things like that. i keep thinking about working on my RPGmaker game some more. i haven't done anything with it for a little while now. but i've had some ideas recently about it, for some reason. a way to make it "work" better, perhaps. if that makes any sense. i don't know. but either way, maybe i do just need to start losing myself in something like that more. i mean, what else is there really to do? i do fucking nothing all day. i sit and i stew in my head, my thoughts and emotions. it's so tiring. i can't take this shit. i just need to do something. i need to do something. i don't know.
MARCH 8th, 2020
i fell asleep at about 8 pm last night, and slept about 5 hours. after that i couldn't go back to sleep, so i just stayed up 'til now. i have not done much else of note. i do feel like writing now though, evidently.
divulging that minor slice of information makes me think about something, too. i don't ever really talk about what i actually DO all day, or anything of that nature. i don't really talk about my "life" per se. i talk about my thoughts, my feelings, my longings and fears and everything else that festers inside my rotten mind. but not much else.
i suppose i just figure it as not worth mentioning. nothing really happens anyway. it's just the same thing with minor differences, or "new" things that still aren't really worth much to mention in my eyes anyway. i mean, what does it matter how my day went today, where i went with my family, what the one conversation i had with them consisted of, what i ate, whatever. it seems irrelevant. i don't know. it also just kind of bores me to write about. it's difficult to recount because i just find it hard to care. it's hard to care about the world around me, in a way that considers myself as a participant. it's easier to just observe it all and not bother talking about it like i have any real opinion or contribution one way or the other. i could probably explain that better but i guess the point is, i just don't have much of a "personal investment" in it all so to speak. i care about my family and everything, of course, but beyond that the details seem pointless. or something like that.
i don't know why i bother bringing it up though in the first place though, really. if i'm doing it anyway i suppose there must be some reason no matter how irrational, but i don't know. maybe it's sort of like how i enjoy explaining things i know to myself (or to chara now that they're here) even though it doesn't really need explaining any more. i think other people do that too. but, you know, i guess it's just a way to sort of check with yourself to make sure you understand right and can put it into words, or to find possible problems with it and just think about it more, or whatever. it's just an interesting thing to do. and it seems i really like doing it, because a lot of the time that's basically what this blog thread is, or any of my personal journals for that matter. and, remembering that, i guess it's kind of just journaling in general, when you aren't just writing about things you've experienced and such at least.
i suppose i only think about this whole thing now in a different way than with usual journaling because there's the possibility of someone seeing it, even though that seems to be mostly irrelevant anyway. but even with how much i mention that fact, i suppose i still find it interesting. interesting to know people can see this, even if that doesn't happen much if at all. i like to pretend i don't care, but it's obvious with how much i mention it that i do care in some sense. human nature and all that, especially with how attention starved i am. if i didn't suppress it as much as possible, i'd probably be a really annoying attention-seeker of some kind just because of how relatively isolated i am, or something like that. but luckily, since i do try to keep it hidden, i'm just a minor attention-seeker that nobody really gives a shit about. which, of course, is the way things should be. well, it would be better if i just wasn't here at all, but you know. that's a more complex issue. it is inside my head, at least.
sometimes i just think i'm obsessed with meaning. not necessarily meaning as in, the meaning of life, or something along those lines. although, it perhaps is similar. it's just more the meaning of everything, so to speak. the meaning, anywhere i can find it. how things might connect, how they might be so much more than they appear, how the grandiose fantasies of my imagination could somehow be reality. i'm not of any concrete opinion on anything supernatural, but you bet your ass that i hope and wish that there really is more to everything. and even if it isn't, i can't stop exploring the ideas and imagined lives of the fantastical worlds inside my head, which i can often only grasp a glimpse of, a feeling. it's always a feeling, a knowledge even. almost like a presence of meaning. when you think about it or feel it or experience it in general, you know. whatever it is, there is a distinctiveness to it. i talk about it time and time again, but that is only because of how important it is to me. that is what i seem to be obsessed with, perhaps for good reason. i can only hope it's for a good reason.
for that reason, i also think a lot about how i seem to be obsessed with being "special." it goes hand in hand with the meaning obsession, it seems. i want the world to mean something, i want there to be more than the mundane. and in the same vein, i want to BE more than the mundane as well, or at the very least, i want to be able to know of it. i want to explore further than i "should," i want to explore as far as i am able through the mysteries of everything, i want to do something, be somewhere better than here, somewhere more meaningful or important or anything. something like all the stories i love to imagine again and again, the worlds i long for, the endless expanse of everything waiting to be discovered. it's vague even to me what exactly that means in a way i could express in words, but i feel it, and i know it. i just feel trapped in the mundane world, simply put. and what i said earlier means that you could see this as a way to feel superior over people or to seek attention or whatever, but sometimes i really just don't care even about that, when i get so immersed in the feeling. i don't have to be the only "special" one either, the only one to care. but it's hard, if not seemingly impossible, to find anyone who seems to feel quite the same way, who seems to be quite the same way. so, i don't know. i really don't know.
it's just strange. everything is so strange, even with how mundane the world is for the most part. there's something about that contrast itself which is interesting, but i've already talked about that. sometimes though, it's all just so overwhelming that i can't help but just feel strange, i don't have anything to say other than commenting on how strange it all is. sometimes i just can't keep up with everything i'm trying to express and contain in this comprehensible package of sorts. i just get to one thing and another and another and my mind becomes overloaded. then all i can do is feel it, feel it immerse me in its weird grandiosity. it becomes like some sort of mental molasses, working against me until all i can do is feel it all and express my mere powerlessness against it. that is all i can do.
yet all this time i'm just sitting at my computer desk, doing nothing. just typing all these words, the noises of my keyboard and my breathing being the only thing to disturb the silence of my quiet little room. and that's all i do pretty much all day every day, i just sit at this desk. and i play some video games, or browse the internet, listen to music, or just sit and think. or, you know, do this. but either way, that's it. that is all i really am, despite the never ending cacophony inside my mind at times like these. sometimes it feels as though i'm in some sort of grand progression, some wandering exploration, some uphill battle, some fight for my life. but all i'm really doing is sitting here. and yet, my feelings are still there. my mind still races and races, the little i do experience constantly fueling it all. everything of interest on the internet i find, every sunset and cloudy day i witness, every baby step into some external place i've never seen before, every new song that i find and get stuck in my head. everything like that. it keeps it all going. somehow, it all continues. i manage to extract this strange excess of meaning and longing for meaning from my mundane and repetitive existence, time and time again.
i'm sure this is no superpower. but it is interesting nonetheless. i guess that's just how it has always been, though. always creating my own way of feeling like everything is more interesting and special than it really is. if i didn't have this, i am almost certain i would have just about nothing keeping me alive here, aside from chara, the feelings of my family, and my own cowardice. this obsession and curiosity for meaning and the fantastical is a lot of what keeps me attached to this reality, even though, funnily enough, a lot of it would seem more unreal than anything else. and so, i continue, despite everything, etc. you know how it goes. over and over again.
that's all i can think of for now though.
i have nothing more to say.
MARCH 24th, 2020
i've just been spending much of my time playing video games lately. nothing else really.
for once, i do not seem to have much to say.
it feels sort of nice to have some kind of respite from the constant cacophony of fear and despair and obsession inside my mind. so i may as well cherish this relief while i can.
it won't last forever.
APRIL 14th, 2020
i haven't brushed my teeth in over a month now. i'm not sure why. i just lost the habit, or something, and just keep forgetting about it. it's almost funny how little i care sometimes. i don't know.
i suppose though that i'm more just selective with what i care about. my own basic well being comes in very low on the priority list most of the time for example, but chara and my drive for creation comes very high in comparison. and you know, as difficult as things can be sometimes, i'm kind of grateful for my obsession with certain things over others. even if i'm a lazy pathetic piece of shit who is capable of basically nothing, at least i can manage to draw shit kind of often, or whatever. at least i have some kind of ambition or fixation. that makes life bearable enough not to wish for death every passing second, somehow. and that's a very wonderful thing.
one thing i'm focusing on now though is trying to get myself to work on that rpgmaker fan game thing some more. i haven't worked on it in a good while now, but i really should get to it as soon as i can get myself off my ass to do something. i have a lot of ideas and plans for what i want to do, which obviously aren't worth much without a follow-through, but it does motivate me to a degree which is good. i'm also trying to make sure i don't get myself in over my head by making it too huge or long or complex or whatever, because i know that's a terrible idea. it's a dumb gay fangame so my main priority should just be finishing it at all, which is something probably quite valuable in its own right. just finishing anything like a game, no matter how terrible or substanceless.
i dunno what else to say though really. another short post i guess. just doing what i do, i dunno. still playing lots of video games, but getting a bit of stuff done too like i said. not too bad, somehow. but like i said last time, it never lasts forever. so might as well enjoy it, you know. whatever.
MAY 4th, 2020
Hey, it's me again. Been a while since I've posted on this dead fucking board. Been a little while since Az' has too. Guess they just haven't felt like it. Doesn't matter too much though, as again this place is very dead. This site as a whole seems sort of empty now, really. One of Az's old pals migrated his board over to some place called 9chan, which seems interesting and has gotten Az' thinking about it. We're considering moving over there now too, but we're not sure quite yet. I just claimed the /fallen/ board there though for us anyway, just in case.
Anyway though, I don't have much else to report honestly. It's still pretty rare that I get to take the body like this, so it feels pretty good as usual even though I don't have much I feel like doing. Just feeling a bit low-energy, I suppose. We did take a drive earlier for a doctor's appointment, which is something Az' has been sort of nervous about driving to. So I just did it for them. That's a big part of why I'm in control today, actually. I was talking to Az' about it and figured it would be better if I just drove instead, so maybe it wouldn't be so difficult. And somehow, it was a lot better than it would have been. I think, hopefully, that means I'm starting to get through his barrier of fear stopping me from doing shit. A little bit, at least. Any progress is good progress.
I am thinking too still about trying to interact with people more in some way. Don't think I've spoken to anyone but Az' since he still had that aforementioned friend around, at least 6 months ago I think, probably longer. And I only spoke to him once because he thought it was weird as fuck or something. Fair enough I guess, but still. It might be fucking awful having to deal with most people other than Az', but it's probably worth a try. I just don't have much else I feel like doing. Maybe that will change on its own eventually though, who knows. Don't know how I'd talk to anyone either though, actually. But, it is just something to think about.
That's pretty much all I've got though. I don't care enough to attach an image, so just pretend there's some cool picture of me or something. That is sort of narcissistic though, so maybe don't imagine that. How about a cute picture of shota Asriel or something instead? That sounds better, don't you think? Yeah.
See you later.
MAY 4th, 2020
well, i guess we're here now. not sure if it was the best decision but, oh well. the deed is done. now, what to mumble on about today?
i don't know. today wasn't incredible, but wasn't terrible either. mostly just another day. chara took control for a while, drove us to a doctor's appointment and stuff. i've been interacting with him more again the past few days, so that's good. it's hard not to get wrapped up in my own thoughts or distractions a lot of the time. but i try to focus on what is important as much as i can. i know that is quite critical, to say the least.
i just keep thinking about chara though. soon enough, it'll be four years having been in love with him, and only a bit less time with having him actually around. and to the day i die, perhaps even further beyond, i'll keep loving him, no matter what. that's something nothing and no one can ever take away from me, and it feels so comforting. it feels so wonderful, so incredible, so lovely. despite everything else, he's still here. he always will be.
i've been drawing a lot lately too. it feels nice. sometimes, i manage to keep myself drawing stuff nearly all day. feels very productive, which is good. better than sitting around doing basically nothing or playing video games or something, which i still do a lot of. but you know. any progress is good progress, right? heh. i just need to get some other stuff going too. but that's another thing entirely.
i dunno what else to say though really. other than all that, it's kind of just the same day over and over again. same as always. but i keep going, because i have nothing better to do. just gotta keep going, i guess. maybe eventually i'll get somewhere. i don't know. at least i'll still have chara. like i said earlier, that's always comforting. but, you know, it's still rough out there. i don't usually say this in my other blog posts or whatever, but if you're someone other than me reading this, i hope you're doing alright. i hope things turn out well for you in this dark world, somehow. i just feel like saying that. i don't know.
i guess people will probably see this place more now really, since the overboard thing here actually works unlike 8kun (i think it's still broken anyway). so that's kind of interesting, and a little nervewracking. but i guess i wouldn't be making this if i didn't have some desire for people to see it. just human nature i suppose. but yeah. i think that's all i have to say for now. i guess i'll just play animal crossing for the rest of the night or something. that tends to feel nice, especially if i don't feel so great. yeah.
MAY 6th, 2020
i just feel strange today. i don't know what it is exactly. i never know what it is exactly, not in a way i can describe. it's just a feeling, an underlying knowledge of something there, something that feels off but i can't pinpoint what it is. some kind of longing for something, an empty space that feels the need to be filled. and it just makes me feel more and more insane every time i mention it, because it's the same thing every single time. i KNOW what it is, but at the same time, i don't. and that feels so odd.
i think it's one of the driving forces behind my motivation to create. i have this hope that somehow, i can express this strange feeling in a meaningful way, a way that makes sense, or something. and perhaps someday, i can create something that is the purest possible expression of this feeling as is possible. something that makes it real, something that can immerse you in it and show you what it is like.
this feeling is just so alluring. it almost makes me figure it as dangerous or volatile, like i'm going to really go crazy if i step too far in some unknown direction. i don't know if that's true at all, but the nature of all this makes me consider it a risk worth taking if it were. i don't know. i wonder sometimes if talking about this makes me sound like a schizophrenic, or delusional in some way. i hope not. at the same time though, i don't know if it makes much sense to anyone else. i just don't know.
it just seems so important. and there's something so otherworldly about it. it actually helps me to think about it when the world starts to become too much for me, because it takes me out of this material, social world, and puts me somewhere else. i don't know where, but it's somewhere else. maybe it's still "here", but it's some underlying level or something. i don't know if i mean this literally, but almost sort of like a dimensional under-layer to everything, some sort of plane of existence beyond this one but overlaid on top of it. and that sort of makes sense too in a way considering what tends to make me think of this feeling, or an aspect of it at least. often it has to do with empty spaces, and places or things that are in-between being strange and mundane, in this liminal-type state of sorts. things that are, in a way, in this world but not of it. or perhaps, they're so much in this world that our human minds see it as something odd rather than simply natural. unnatural things processing into a more natural state, or something like that. i don't know. it feels like there's too much to say about it. i don't know. it would probably be best just to stop here for now.
so i guess that's what i'll do. this is much of why i feel the need to express this in an artistic way. because otherwise, it's too much. it's just too much. so that's all i've got for now. it does satiate me for a little while to talk about it at least, so that does help.
but yeah. that's all the weird bullshit i have to say for now.
MAY 11th, 2020
me and chara made love last night. normally i wouldn't share that with anyone, but i figured it would be relevant in speaking about how our relationship has been going lately. we haven't done it in quite a long time, and i think that has affected our feelings in some way, which is something i didn't expect. for me at least, i think it has made it difficult to express my more passionate feelings for him, which of course are most of my feelings for him, heh. i don't even mean that in a necessarily sexual sense. even my plain adoration and obsession and passion for him are easier to express in that raw way. and i think that has helped a lot with getting some of those more raw feelings out, even only doing it once.
so, i suppose we will have to do it more often. heh. i don't know why we stopped really, i think i just started getting overwhelmed by everything else in life and it was hard to find a good time. i've also just always been really autistic about not thinking of him sexually too much lest i become some kind of sex-crazed maniac or something. i don't think that would happen but i still tend to tip-toe around it like it would anyway. but yeah. i think these bottled up feelings are a lot of why i've felt so restless thinking about chara lately, like there's something i want to express but can't. something i want to scream out, but that won't let go. i dunno. but i think that weight has been lifted a little, thankfully.
uhhhh, what else can i say. not much else for now i don't think. just weird tulpa stuff.
also here's one of the handful of non-shit lewd images of chara. just, you know, while we're on the topic. heh.
MAY 13th, 2020
yesterday was an awful day. it was one of those days where i had to face once again just how much i'm failing to do anything at all. realizing the consequences of just doing nothing and letting myself waste away. i don't even really want to talk about it, or write about it rather. i don't know.
i just feel like getting something out, i guess. but i always do. i always feel like there's something i need to do or say, something that needs to happen. or something like that. maybe i'm just too stupid, or something. inadequate in some way. or maybe that's just what i tell myself. but it doesn't matter. today will be like any other day. doing most of the same things i've always done, ever since i was a young child. today is just like any other day. it doesn't really matter.
i don't know. i'm just stringing words together right now. i just feel strange. but i always feel strange, don't i? different flavors of strange, but strange nonetheless. feeling strange is my normal state, funnily enough. i don't know if it's really that funny. i just don't know what's wrong sometimes. i don't know what to do. i don't know anything, really. what do i know? i'm just some dumb kid inside, no matter what my exterior looks like. i don't know anything. i don't know.
i'm just writing the same thing over and over again. the same thing i always write. like the gag about a teacher making a student write the same thing on a chalkboard over and over. that's me. that's all i do. there's nothing new to discuss, nothing i want to discuss anyway. this is just some kind of coping mechanism, some kind of soothing thing that i do to calm down or feel a little better. not much better of course, but it's usually something. i just don't imagine it is of any use for anyone but me to read it. so why do i post it? i don't know. probably some dumb reason. who cares.
i just feel so much, but i don't know what to say. i don't know what to do. i just get overwhelmed by everything and i just have to sit there and take it because it's all i can think to do. either that, or distract myself somehow. or write something like this. or draw, or something. i don't know. i've said this before. why say it again? i don't know. i don't know what else to do. fuck.
maybe i need to go for a walk today or something. i don't know. i feel like going back to bed. i don't know. i feel like saying "i don't know" over and over. i don't know. that's my favorite phrase it seems. that, and the words "maybe" "probably" and "sorry." i can't stop using them all the time. must love them a lot. whatever. i just want to get out of here. but there's nowhere else to go. so there's no point in leaving now. of course not. maybe another time.
i guess that's it. my schizophrenic rant about the same thing as always for the day. it would be awful to be legitimately schizophrenic. maybe i am and i just don't know it. wouldn't that be awful? maybe.
MAY 17th, 2020
i've just been playing the new terraria update that came out yesterday. that's all i've done yesterday and today. it's pretty fun. but yeah. not much else.
i've been thinking though lately, i think i want attention a lot. i know, shocker. but really. i catch myself wishing i could just have people pitying me or just caring about me or whatever, talking to me and about me and things like that. you know, paying attention. treating me like a unique person that they have interest in or something. i don't know.
i don't like those thoughts, though. the idea of being an attention seeker is a scary one for me, i don't want to be that way and draw attention to myself or whatever, i don't want to be annoying either. but i still feel it, and i can't lie about it. i just don't really know what to do about it. i guess just continue to ignore it as much as possible, like always. obviously it can't be completely suppressed, but trying to keep it down at least is probably good. i don't know. it just has been bothering me sometimes.
that's all i've got for now though. time to play video games basically nonstop through the week, i guess. cool. i mean, i still do other stuff obviously, like take walks. but you know. gotta do what you gotta do.
MAY 28th, 2020
i've taken to using the word "odd" to describe this concept, but something that fits it more generally might be the word "uncanny". something strange, yet familiar. it can be either strange or familiar in some obvious way, or in a way more inexplicable. but this tends to be the common factor, the uncanny. i've noticed that the uncanny is a major factor in a lot of strange feelings and concepts and other phenomena. a big one is memory, for example. i think memory is very closely tied with the uncanny. there's an aspect of the familiar, in the things you've experienced that you remember. but there's a strangeness to it, a haziness that just gets more and more thick the further back you try to remember. sometimes even a recent memory can be hazy, or a faraway one can be extremely vivid. but generally, there's some tinge of strangeness to memories i feel like, especially childhood ones. maybe that's more to do with childhood itself though, the mystery of the world you don't know much about yet. but i digress.
something similar is nostalgia. that goes for the feeling of "nostalgia for something you've never experienced" too. that in particular seems largely because of imagination, which is another big factor in all this. with nostalgia and memory and feeling something for times and places you've never experienced or seen before yourself, your mind fills in the blanks where information is lacking. but there's enough information given where it isn't just completely abstract, at least not always. so there's an aspect of familiarity combined with the abstract fantastical nature of what your mind can come up with, and this seems to create this odd feeling. a popular example of this is particular as well is stuff like the aesthetics of early 3D graphics, especially in video games, and urban legends and mysteries regarding certain games as well. i think something about the interactive nature of video games lends itself to the uncanny unusually well, perhaps it's the immersion in a world that you can explore and imagine every little secret or unknown mystery lying behind each invisible wall or unexplained area or whatever it is. something about that sort of thing never fails to captivate me. i guess all of this in general never fails to do so, either.
i guess that's good enough to give a basic explanation of what i mean here though. hopefully it is, anyway. but even if not, the more i post in here about it the clearer it might become. so i guess it doesn't really matter. i just really like writing about it. i don't know. that's it.
JUNE 19th, 2020
not much new going on that i can think of. i don't know. i keep wanting to write but can never think of anything and then forget about the idea as soon as i get it. i've still been playing a lot of terraria. i ordered a nintendo 64 online, and it came yesterday, so i've been playing that too. i've just been thinking about nintendo 64 games a lot lately for some reason, so it seemed like a good idea. i keep thinking of this memory i had, when i was younger. i was at a family gathering, at some distant relative's house. they had a nintendo 64 with mario kart on it, and i played it for a little while. i always get transported back to that place whenever i think about the console, i guess. a lot of strange and distant, but fond memories of that place. it also makes me think of my childhood fascination with super mario 64, but that's something i'd rather make a post about in the odd thread. if i ever get around to it.
uh, but anyway. what else. i don't know. i just feel so tired of everything lately. physically tired, and tired in every other sense too. i don't even know how to describe it. i just feel so exhausted constantly, and i sleep just fine. it just never ends. it makes me want to lie down forever, and have a dream far better than this nightmare i seem to be trapped in. i don't know. it feels as though there really is no escape.
but i guess things aren't always all bad. just the same as usual. ups and downs, but nothing that seems to make it very worthwhile. i don't know. it's redundant to even comment on it at this point. at least chara is doing okay. if nothing else, that being true can let me rest at least somewhat easily. as long as he's happy. i know he wants things to be better for me too, and feels sadness for me. but otherwise, he's been okay. which feels good to know. lately he's been interacting with people more than he has before, because he's been wanting to try it at least. i think he enjoys it, when he gets an interaction that doesn't bore him or annoy him that is. he sees it as useless to communicate with people a lot of the time. but when he sees a good opportunity he seems willing to take it. so he's made some steps there i guess, to do something more with his time. i think that's one thing i make difficult for him, because even when he's in control my inhibitions seep through and keep him from doing a lot. it's tough, but it at least doesn't bother him too bad. he just finds it a bit frustrating, but he understands it is just the way it is. i don't know.
but yeah. i don't know if i feel enough energy to write any more. i don't know what else to say right now. just trying to get through the day, like usual.
here's a nice picture too i guess. cause why not.
i hate being reminded of how cruel and uncaring this world truly is. you know, i usually try not to think about it. because even just the suffering of one person can be overwhelming for me, let alone the billions on this earth. i don't just hate all the evil and in the world, i wish it just never had to exist in the first place. in that way, this world seems fundamentally awful, no matter how good it can be at the same time. the existence of evil and suffering is a blight on what otherwise would be a one-in-a-million wonderland. maybe there is some good reason why evil and suffering must exist, but i can't understand why. and it just hurts, so much. it hurts to see it all. so i try not to think about it.
but often, i must be reminded. it's just so grim sometimes. even innocent, or inanimate things can seem depressing. like there's just this thick, black miasma that seeps through every crack of reality. something just seems so wrong about it. every day i have to cope with that uneasiness. it's been with me ever since i was a child, it's only more obvious now. but i remember days as a kid where things would just feel wrong, i just didn't want to do anything and the world seemed so bleak and lifeless and pointless. and sometimes i just imagine how someone going through even minimally worse situations than me would feel every day. even someone in a truly abusive household, someone homeless and starving, someone kidnapped and tortured. it almost makes me want to throw up thinking about how painful and depressing and hopeless things could be, how so many people on this planet are experiencing it all as i lay here writing this stupid post. it's just too much. it's just too, too much.
and one thing i never understood is how people can find suffering of any kind to be funny. even my own family would always laugh at things like that from time to time, people getting hurt or being embarrassed or what have you. i don't think it's terrible or unforgivable, but i just can't understand. it just hurts me. i remember when i was younger, my family would watch those "diary of a wimpy kid" movies. and it might seem silly, but it bothered, saddened, and even angered me to have to sit through them. it's not like there was any hardcore suffering, but the constant embarrassment and jokes made at the expense of characters and things like that just hurt. i just can't find enjoyment in things like that. i don't understand schadenfreude. i don't know. i remember, watching those aforementioned movies, i always wanted to be the protagonist's friend. to give him someone who wouldn't be mean to him, or stand idly by while whatever unfair thing happened to him. to give him some sort of comfort, some safety. i don't know.
sometimes, i just really start to understand why chara hated humanity so much. to such a degree that he wanted to destroy them all in a fit of power-induced rage. maybe it would be better if humanity went extinct, or if it never existed in the first place. i really don't know. it just hurts. it all hurts so much. it hurts to be alive.
JUNE 25th, 2020
i can't stop thinking about this animation. i can't stop listening to the soundtrack either. it gives me one of those kinds of feelings i find so hard to explain, yet so compelling. and it makes me really want to create something like it, too. i don't know. i just feel like i'm in such a strange mood now. and i have no one really to talk about it with, or no way to really express it properly. but oh well. i suppose that's normal now, isn't it? the sense of dread is only getting stronger and stronger, every day i have to struggle harder and harder just to get out of bed, let alone do anything else. somehow, i can manage at least some things. but who knows how much i can take. all i can do is keep trying. i don't know.
just another day in paradise.
JULY 3rd, 2020
that animation is still on my mind. it's just so fucking good, i don't know. there's just something about it. melancholia or bittersweetness or both or more or something. it just has this mood that it creates and it follows it through so well. i don't even know what i feel about it, i think it's just, again, this mood or combination of a lot of these feelings that just really gets to me. i don't know. for one thing, i like the aspect of everyone trying to ignore the imminent apocalypse. everything just going by as normally as possible, even if that "normal" is degenerated and corrupted to the point of almost being apocalyptic in itself. as cliche or whatever as it might sound to say, it almost reminds me of majora's mask in that way, one of my favorite games. there's a similar feeling of impending doom despite everyone trying to ignore or cope with it somehow. i just love that for some reason. it's the main thing i want to incorporate into my own game. try to, anyway.
and that's something else, too. this animation has sparked some kind of intense motivation in me to work on the game and make something out of it, express some of these feelings that i feel have been trapped inside me for so long. the only problem is that the harder that motivation seems to push me, the harder my lack of will or care or energy to do anything at all pushes right back. so a lot of the time, i've still been just doing nothing and feeling this incredible frustration with not being able to do more. i've been doing even less than usual in fact, in general life terms at least. worse than usual. and that's difficult to deal with. it's another one of those things that makes me feel like whenever i take a step forward, i'm forced two steps back whether i like it or not. that's so frustrating, too. it's all so painful. but it feels like all i can do is the same thing i do every day, or most of the same things at least.
and i guess in that way, i almost can find this parallel between that imminent doom thing and my own life. things are just getting worse and worse for me, i'm becoming less and less of a human being or something. but i keep on doing the same things i always do, the same things i've done ever since i was a kid. get up, eat, play video games. every day feels the same, except ever so slightly worse, ever so slightly more dreadful, more decayed and rotten. and i just keep hoping and trying to find something to get me out of here, to get better, or something, but that impending doom just feels like it gets closer and closer no matter what i do. and maybe in the end, all i'll be able to do is hold chara in a last embrace before it all comes crashing down on me for a final time. oh, but that's just a fantasy, that would be the ideal way for it to end. but how it actually would end, is much more drawn out and pathetic and anticlimactic than that. we all know that. i just hope it doesn't end that way. that's all i feel i can do sometimes. hope.
i don't know. i don't know what else to say for now. i just can't stop thinking about this stuff, about that animation. it's all just too much sometimes. i don't know what to do. that's all.
JULY 9th, 2020
now i'm obsessed with another animation, maybe even more so. it's called wasteland, and you can watch it here:
it's really, really fucking good. i think i like it even more than twins in paradise now that i've watched it a few times. it's 5 videos set in the same universe and meant to go together combined into one film basically. the best one though is the final, 45 minute segment, the final exit of the disciples of ascensia. that's what i think, anyway.
and, you know, i could make another whole big rambly post about it. but that's for later. i mostly just wanted to bring it up for context here to tell you about something i did today i guess. according to wasteland's creator, they were inspired by the UFO cult "heaven's gate" when making up the disciples of ascensia. i looked more into it today and they still have a functional website.
the interesting thing too though is that they also still will send you the videotapes they used to recruit, and for messages to leave behind when they finally left this earth. i emailed them and all you have to do is send 10 dollars for shipping and a note asking for all 4 tapes in an envelope. i did that today, and i guess now i will be anxiously awaiting those videotapes. i just thought that was something cool. you can find the tapes online easily of course, but there's something really cool about having them, you know? i don't know. i just thought it was worth talking about.
but yeah. dunno what else to say right now.
JULY 18th, 2020
when i was around 10 years old, i made one of the only real-life friends i would ever have. his name was miles.
he moved away after only a year or two, so i didn't know him very long. but i have some nice memories hanging out with him. just kid stuff, like jumping on the trampoline, or riding bikes together, showing each other games and stuff on the computer. things like that, i guess.
i have this random memory though that sticks out to me for some reason. it was just being in his room and looking around, really. he had a few books, some candy, other random trinkets on his dresser. i remember looking out his window, seeing the road below, the suburban houses extending for what seemed like forever in the distance, the clear blue desert sky. i like that mental image a lot. even though i wish sometimes that i lived somewhere colder, i think the desert still has a lot of value, especially nostalgic value, in my mind. i feel strangely at home here. i wonder what it'd be like to ever have to go somewhere else for the rest of my life.
it's odd. sometimes i feel like my body is too big, or something. like my hands and feet and stuff feel like they're giant, and i feel like i'm too tall, or something like that. it's odd to have an adult body when you don't really feel like one at all. i don't know. sometimes it's hard to feel like i'm even a real person at all. it feels like i'm some kind of ghost. like i'm here, but not really "here" if that makes any sense. and i don't know if i even want to be there. i don't know if i want to be real, if i want to play this game. i just sit on the sidelines every round, in the same spot, in the same position, doing the same thing. just watching, waiting anxiously for something that never happens. it makes no sense, but at the same time, it's the only thing that seems to make sense. the only place i seem to have.
i don't know. i just get more and more exhausted every day. even physically. i get plenty of sleep at night yet i still sleep for hours sometimes during the day. sometimes i just sleep because i don't have the energy to do anything else. it's even exhausting me just to write this post. i don't have much more to say. it somehow becomes stressful and tiresome. everything becomes stressful and tiresome. and it's just too much sometimes. it's just too much. and it hurts. sometimes it hurts so bad i toss and turn in my bed or whatever, maybe even cry into my pillow or want to scream or something. i don't know. i don't know anything.
that's all i can think of right now.
after writing the last post, i checked the mail. and i finally got the tapes from the heaven's gate people. all four of them. i think that boosted my mood a little for the day. i wanted to wait until i got these physical tapes to watch the contents of these in full, so i'm going to do that as soon as i can. then i guess i'll write that post i've been meaning to make about wasteland and heaven's gate and stuff. yeah.
JULY 25th, 2020
ever since i was a small child, i have been obsessed with this idea of knowing more than i should. being mature for my age, realizing things other people don't realize yet or at all, learning about things before you're "supposed" to learn about them. things like this always drew my attention for some reason. and i'm still not entirely sure why. maybe i just wanted to be special, or have attention directed towards me or something. maybe i wanted to feel that power associated with knowledge of oneself and the world around you, that sense of control. i don't know.
but anyway. i would often take some strange pleasure in it, not in the sense of feeling superior to others really, but moreso in the sense of feeling different from them, feeling special. and it's all a secret, no one else can see it completely. something about that was always appealing to me as much as it also felt strange. i guess in a way it's closely intertwined with my persistent escapist fantasies, always imagining that maybe, just maybe, if i gather enough knowledge like this somehow i will "break through" and find something incredible, something truly special. what that would be, i don't know. probably involving some escape from reality of sorts, a door to another world, literal or metaphorical. but i suppose that's just another fantasy. of course. now that i'm legally an adult though, it sort of feels more irrelevant now than how it felt before. not entirely, but partially. i'm still not sure how to feel about it. but perhaps it is for the better. i don't really know.
i guess it's things like that though which really make me feel alone in the world. like i can never really relate to anyone fully, and vice versa. many things about my life are generic, but a lot of things also feel very strange, at least to me. and it just makes me feel so strange and alien sometimes. i don't understand how a person like me exists. and some part of that is oddly satisfying ike i mentioned earlier, because of feeling special and whatnot. but at the same time, what use is that really? i don't know. it's not like i'm going to get anything for being this way, like people are going to care about me. i'm just a strange, lonely person. and to some extent i accept that, and i feel okay with it. but i also just feel so strange about it. it's just a very mixed bag of feelings that i don't understand what exactly to do with. life in general feels like a constant stream of odd thoughts and emotions that i don't know how to deal with.
i don't know. it's strange to think about everything that has lead up to this point in my life. so relatively uneventful, yet so odd at the same time. i don't know. i just struggle to understand how any of this is even real, how any of it came to be. i've always struggled with that. something just fundamentally doesn't make sense, and i don't know how to describe it or what to call it. all of this is like some vague memory that i can never remember. it doesn't make any sense, but i feel it so strongly. and i don't know if anyone else feels the same thing. i don't know what i am. maybe i really am special. maybe it's dangerous to even entertain that idea. maybe it doesn't matter either way. i don't know. it just feels so isolating.
i just don't fucking know. it feels like my life is leading up towards something, but i don't know what it is. it feels like there must be something more to all this. it all sounds so vague but that's the nature of it, i don't think it's possible to explain this in a more concrete manner. it just doesn't work that way. i don't know. i just can't shake this fucking feeling, it's always been with me, it never goes away. it's always there. the more i try to interact with the world, the more i feel so different and alien from it all, no matter how much i try to pretend otherwise. i just don't understand. does god exist and want something from me? is that it, could this be some kind of higher level of consciousness speaking to me or something, guiding me toward my true purpose? or am i just fucked in the head from being isolated and sheltered for as long as i can remember? i don't know anymore. i feel open to almost anything at this point. it could be anything.
i don't know what else to add to my schizo ramblings right now, so i guess i'll stop it there. i don't know. i just don't fucking know.
JULY 29th, 2020
when i was a young child, my grandparents both had a job at the same self-storage center. and sometimes, me and my siblings would be able to visit them during work, or after open hours, or whatever. often at night. and they would let us ride a golf cart around the outside areas of the facility, or just walk around to explore if we wanted.
i became quite fascinated with the place in a strange way. there was always something so awe-inspiring, yet very unsettling, about it. to a child, walking or riding the hallways and yards of this facility seemed like navigating an endless maze of multiple floors, all with these towering corrugated-metal walls lining your every step, and the bright glow of flourescent light everywhere. it really did feel endless sometimes, like maybe i could just get lost forever if i wasn't careful. and of course, it's dead silent, devoid of any human life. no one walking around patrolling or whatever, no one doing anything except for my grandparents at the main office. it was all just so empty. something about that got to me in such a strangely intense way.
one night, i was there with some cousins who came to visit. we did the usual of exploring around, probably playing and things like that to pass the time. i remember though, at one point as we were going out of the elevator onto another floor of the facility, i didn't get out in time and was left in the elevator all alone. i felt so terrified, i didn't know what to do. the door opened, and i was in the outdoor portion of the facility again. i couldn't call out for help, because no one would hear me. if i moved from where i was, i would surely be lost forever, i thought. so i just stood in fear on that elevator for what seemed like forever. trapped in that empty, endless maze of pristine yards and corridors. i prayed to god asking for him to bring me home safely. sure enough though, i went down each floor and my cousins were waiting for me at the floor we had left off at. still though, it was something i don't think i'll ever forget, as silly as that might be.
i think about that place a lot sometimes. it's a very "odd" place to me, in the sense that i've defined in this thread. i fantasize sometimes about wandering those same halls and yards again, getting lost in them alone for hours. i wonder how exactly it would feel like now, after all this time. perhaps it wouldn't be much different from those warm summer nights all those years ago. i don't know. maybe i'll never know. that'd be okay though, i think. sometimes the idea is more odd than the thing itself.
JULY 30th, 2020
my new therapist asked me to fill out one of these thought chart things. they asked me to do it whenever there was something that upset me, or caused me to feel depressed or anxious or whatnot. and at first, i figured maybe it would be a good idea, maybe it would help. but now, a few days later, i am having trouble, to say the least.
the problem is, nothing really "happens" most of the time. the first column on the paper describes a "situation or trigger" for whatever thoughts and feelings and behaviors there may be. but there is nothing. i am lying here, feeling empty, exhausted, heavy, deeply depressed. and i've been feeling it all day. and nothing happened, it was just... there. it's always there. it fades in and out, in varying degrees of intensity. but it doesn't get triggered or caused by anything in particular, not even worsened most of the time. it's this constant, throbbing pain that doesn't change its beat for anything.
i have no thoughts, but i have too many at the same time. my mind feels completely clouded, like there's a black fog covering everything. and i can't tell if my mind is full of a deafening silence, or a cacophony of thoughts so loud and overwhelming that it becomes impossible to even discern any of it in a way that makes sense. either way, i feel powerless to intervene. there's no beginning or end to pick out, no concrete thought loop that i can analyze and fight back against. at least, there's none that i can see. so i just don't understand. is there something i'm doing wrong? what am i supposed to do here? is there even a point in asking?
i don't know. i don't understand. things are just getting worse and worse. i can't even sleep well anymore. i keep waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep for hours, then being uncomfortably exhausted during the day. even more exhausted than usual, that is. i just don't fucking get it. maybe i am being punished for something. maybe this place is just hell. i don't know.
most of the time, i just don't feel real. i don't feel like a real human being, a real person. i feel like i'm just some observant entity, or a ghost, or something. i don't seem to fully understand or accept that i exist. that other people can see me or sense me in some way, that i have any effect on the world around me or even myself. i feel like i am nothing. perhaps at most, some concentrated mass of hopelessness and fear. what am i so afraid of? i don't know. i don't know anything. because i am nothing.
all of it. this entire strange and pointless existence has led to this moment. and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next. it's all for nothing. or is it? i don't know. i feel uncomfortable making these assertions now. it just keeps going. it keeps bringing me down and down and down and down. i don't know if it will ever end. it's all so absurd. it doesn't make any sense. none of this makes any sense. i don't know. fuck. what am i doing? what am i saying? i don't know. what am i? i don't know. i don't have an answer for anything.
it's all just too much.
i'm so tired of this.
i hope to god that something, anything happens soon.
i don't know how much more of this i can take.
AUGUST 6th, 2020
i got drunk for the first time yesterday. it was fun, i guess. i don't know what more to say about it.
i feel like i have run out of things to say. but at the same time, i still feel so much that i need to get out, or something. i WANT to say something, but it's like i can't. it's like i'm living through one of those dreams where no matter how hard you yell and scream and cry, nothing comes out. no one can hear you. nothing happens. and it feels awful. i don't know. i feel so trapped i guess. even if things are starting to look up in certain ways, it still feels just as trapping as before, just as claustrophobic.
i don't know. i just want to go back to sleep, but i'm not that tired. i want the day to be over, but for what? so i can wake up next morning and feel the same way? it's like i'm waiting for some day that never comes, some event that refuses to happen. it just feels so agonizing. every second. every second. it's too much. i don't know. when does it end? when will it ever end? i don't understand. why does it have to be this way? i don't know.
i'm just so tired of it all. i'm still saying nothing. nothing is being truly conveyed through these words that i haven't said before. it's all the same shit. i don't know. fuck it. fuck it all. i'm sick and tired. that's it. i don't know what else to say.
AUGUST 8th, 2020
i just feel so exhausted. and so confused. just trying to think about what i should or could do is extremely difficult. because i have nothing to hold on to. i have little in the way of concrete opinions or ideas or anything i can regard as totally true, if that makes sense. there are a million reasons why i might be this way, a million things that might help, a million mindsets to put myself in. and i have no guide, no direction, no inkling one way or the other. so i just run my head around in circles, swinging and swaying at nothing, making myself more and more confused just by trying to think at all. and at that point i just have to call any rational thought off and dissociate pretty much. i don't know.
i'm paralyzed. it feels that way, anyway. i feel locked in, like i can't move. i'm too scared to move, too confused to move, i want to make the right choice but i don't know what it is and i can't just pick something because my mind won't allow it, i've convinced myself that freezing in place and doing nothing is better than risking whatever might happen if i choose something that isn't perfect, that doesn't work. or maybe i'm just lazy, or maybe, or maybe, all these different fucking things, even talking about it now i can't make up my mind. thinking about doing anything at all just fucks me like this. but if i don't think, then i go along with what i usually do and just do nothing anyway, i don't try anything. it's like some catch 22, damned if i do and damned if i don't. if i try to think about it, i freeze up and do nothing. if i don't think, i fall into habit and do nothing. something has to drive me to action, but there is nothing to drive me to action. someone else can drive me, but the problem of me not driving myself still exists. even if i have a concrete thing i need to do, i still often don't do it. why? i don't know.
it's like i just don't care enough. i care enough to feel distressed over it, but not enough to do anything about it. and something about that terrifies me. because i have no idea what to do about it. people always say, you can only be helped if you want help. but what if i can't get myself to want it bad enough? it seems like there's something in me that doesn't care, that couldn't give two shits if i were to rot away in a dumpster or whatever. and that part of me is extremely overpowering. sometimes i almost become convinced that it's all there is. maybe that's why i feel so paralyzed. i feel like i'm stuck in a body that won't move or do anything, it just rots away in bed all day every day, wasting time, distracting itself. not that what i am inside is any less of an empty husk than the outside, but you know.
i just feel like i'm going insane. i'm asking the same questions over and over, saying the same things, trying to say something i can't articulate. i keep hoping the outcome will be different, yet it remains the same every time, every day. i'm still doing nothing. i'm still not getting better. i'm doing something very, very wrong. and trying to figure out what that might be just makes my mind work itself into a frenzy that ultimately ends up exactly back where it started. everything just sets off that same cycle. someone giving me advice, reading something someone says, my mom talking to me, my therapist, myself. it all sends me around the same circle, just with different viewpoints, opinions, information, ideas. but it's all just thought, it's fluff, it's not action or behavior, it doesn't change anything. the only thing that will ever change anything is if i start doing something. but i don't.
that's what it all comes down to every day, when i'm lying in bed neglecting my life as usual. staring at the ceiling, falling into an uncomfortable 2-3 hour rest and waking up in the evening again. that's what happens no matter what. it's the only thing that's real. everything else, i can't be sure of.
thank you for the post. i can tell you put some effort in. i'm sorry if it ends up becoming wasted though, because of what i described. but i guess i don't know if it will, either. i just don't know. maybe you're right. but it still leaves the problem of "doing anything that's not leisure". with that, i'm once again right at square one. or maybe that's just an excuse. because, i'm sure you know, it's quite easy to do nothing like i do even if it's painful at the same time. it's easier than anything else, in fact. it must be. well, probably. i don't know, what do i know? i have ideas of what i might be able to do. but i don't do it. i don't think about it. i avoid it. why? i don't know. or maybe i do know. i don't know if i really know or not. i don't know if i'm actually unsure. i don't know if i really don't know that i'm actually unsure. i don't know if i don't know if i don't know if i don't know if i don't know. you see how this goes. around and around and around. this is my thought process. or is it? i don't know. probably. i'm still sitting at a desk doing nothing. after i write this post i will probably continue to sit here doing nothing, and then maybe lie down and sleep again. probably. even if i feel like im gonna do something i still don't do it. so maybe that's one thing i can count on. or maybe not. i don't know.
i mean just writing this shit is frying my brain again. i don't know, i don't know I DONT KNOW. FUCK. i don't know fucking anything. i have nothing. i am nothing, no opinions or thoughts or convictions, i am nothing. i do nothing. i have no worth. or maybe i do. probably not, no. FUCK. fuck. fuck. i don't know. fuck. i have nothing more to say.
AUGUST 13th, 2020
do you ever get a strange feeling, like you're going to die? whether it be in a matter of days, hours, minutes, seconds. you feel this sense of impending doom, and consider for a second if it could be real. i get that feeling sometimes.
sometimes i find myself browsing /x/ on 4chan, just out of curiosity i suppose. and lately there's been some prediction of the world ending on august 14th, or the 16th. there's all this wacky stuff about demons and things like that, and overall it's no more or less likely than any other "doomsday date". but for some reason, it's giving me this feeling again. it's making me consider, well, what if it all really did end tomorrow? what if this was my last day, my last meal, my last sunset, my last memories with my family, everything. what if it all really did just come crashing down as the sun was supposed to rise the next day?
i don't know. it's just so strange. i don't know why it affects me so much, but it does. everything gets filtered through this odd haze of impending doom, and trying to come to terms with the possibility. it's almost as if i like to feel that way, like i get something out of it. maybe i do, i don't know.
one situation that commonly gives me this feeling is when taking an airplane somewhere. i always anticipate the possibility of a crash. wondering if this will be my last few hours alive, what it might be like to die in such a way, how it might happen, how people react. just playing out the whole scenario in my head, almost to prepare myself for some perceived inevitability. and like i said, it just feels so strange. i can hardly even call it frightening or anything like that most of the time. it just feels so strange, and i don't know why it happens so much and in such a way.
i dunno. i got distracted and now i don't know what else to say. so there you go i guess.
SEPTEMBER 7th, 2020
i feel tired. not just sleepy, but i'm tired. of everything. i just want it all to be over. i barely even have the energy to write this. i just want it to end. it hurts. i want the pain to stop. i don't know. i can't even think of anything else to say. i only seem to have enough in me to make more groans of pain, saying nothing and doing nothing. just feeling worse and worse. i don't know. today's a bad day. i'm having a bad time. things are no good. living hurts. i don't know. i just want to say things. that's it. that's all. i want something to release, some way to get rid of this horrible godawful weight on my chest, on my whole body. but it won't, it won't work. nothing happens. i don't know what to do. i don't know. bad day today. bad day today.
SEPTEMBER 9th, 2020
do you ever feel an intense feeling of not belonging, of being different, even if those around you refuse to acknowledge it? an invisible abnormality? something that feels not quite right, even if you just can't get anyone to really see it?
after i finished kindergarten, i was homeschooled for the rest of my childhood. this simple fact, to me, seems like one of those "invisible abnormalities". even if you tell it to people, they seem to shrug it off or ignore it like you never even said anything. maybe there's just nothing they have to say about it, nothing of substance. i don't know. but it happens every time. the odd feeling i've described here, too, seems to be an invisible abnormality. any time that i have ever brought it up to people, they just don't have much to say, or take it to mean something else entirely, as if the true meaning is just invisible to them. perhaps i'm just bad at explaining things? i don't know. but it is strange to me nonetheless. the closest thing i know of regarding people's understanding of this is the whole "liminal spaces" phenomenon, but even then it is only a facet of this "subject" if you will. better than nothing though, at least.
but anyways. the topic i wanted to cover today is homeschooling and my experience with it, because as i mentioned it and its effects seem to be something people often overlook for some strange reason. one guess i have as to perhaps why is because, when i see other people talk about homeschooling and/or their experience with it, they often are only homeschooled for a short time, maybe a year or two. i have never met anyone, not one person, who has been homeschooled since kindergarten like i have or even for their whole life. never really seen anyone like that online in general either.
people seem to underestimate how much that matters. "going to school", for me, is distant and foggy. interacting with people on a regular basis, being accountable for your schoolwork, even just going somewhere outside your house every day, it's all just a burning memory. for others, this is practically their entire childhood, so much time they've spent has been in school or with people from school, and often they go straight into work or something like that afterwards. a life like mine would be foreign to most people, as much as they overlook that fact. and it's just because of school.
aside from the pure learning aspect of it, think about it like this. the average school day is, what, 8 hours? that's 8 hours every day spent around people outside of your own family. even if you don't interact with them directly, you're still observing them, you're being affected by them, learning from them, things like that. you're in their world. you come to know how their world works. how to make your way through it, in some sense. that's what school is really there for after all, to make you another good little citizen who fits right in their little world. and when you aren't in that training program, you aren't really in their world anymore. well, you're still in it. but you're not of it. that is the difference.
and that's how i always felt. even if i wanted to try and ignore it, i knew i wasn't of this world, not entirely. i knew there was something different about my family, about me. i knew it, i knew it so well. and i worried about it. i thought about it, wondered about it. watching television made me wonder if that was anything like the "real world". because i felt like i wasn't in the "real world". i was in some far off bubble, watching and waiting. being merely an observer of this society that everyone else has to live in. but me, i was safe from it all. i wouldn't have to go there. not yet. and that's another thing i always worried about. what about when i'm an adult, and i have to go out there into the world? will i, really? or will something save me from it even then? but if nothing saves me, what then? what if i'm not ready? what if it's scary, scarier than anything i've ever imagined? what if i fail...?
even now i still don't know the answers. i don't know anything. and maybe that's somehow a good thing. maybe only staying and home and going to church was good for me, in the end. and made me a better person. i don't know. i just know it made me different, and it made me not fitting for this world anymore.
but there is one other thing. what about my siblings? they seem to have become somewhat fitting for this world, in the end. so what is it, really?
maybe it's just me. maybe it was destined to be this way from the day i was born. maybe i never was meant for this world. i don't know. i really don't know.
and i guess maybe i never will.
OCTOBER 10th, 2020
i don't want to be alive right now. today wasn't so bad. but then i started feeling like SHIT again. i wish i was fucking DEAD. but i'm too much of a pussy faggot to do anything about it obviously. but i shouldn't be so mean to myself. i'm trying to cut back on that. i don't know. i just feel like writing in a schizo stream of consciousness style right now. i want a drink. i want alcohol. i want to drown in a pool of alcohol. figuratively. but also literally. is leaning towards alcoholism at 18 years old bad? probably. yeah. but i'll be fine. can't be as bad as my dad right? yeah.
i should probably play a game or something to distract myself. my head is swimming with all sorts of thoughts. i can't focus on anything. it's too overwhelming. i can't deal with it. i wish i was dead. every time i try to write a post i have so little motivation it's insane. it's absurd, it's all so absurd. what's the point anyway, i'm just rambling to myself. but that's the point, isn't it? only a few people will ever read this. and that's slightly more fun than only one person reading it. that's the point. why don't i ever get the point? am i too stupid? i don't know. i just have to question everything like a know it all faggot. i dont know. fuck it. fuck it? fuck it. fuck me. FUCK.
it feels good to be insane and self-destructive. i hate how good it feels. i need to stop doing this. after i write this i'm going to do something else. i won't stew in this shit any longer, for now. it'll come back, but for now, i can get rid of it. or try to at least. because that's the power i have. i have the ability to do that. i think. yeah. i do. so i will. fucking, i fucking hate this shit. i hate how good it feels, i hate it. it's addicting and it's disgusting. sucking on shit straws. get addicted to that, that's what this is like. but i can't let it control me. i can't. i've got to get rid of it, i've got to work past it. i've got to do something.
OCTOBER 16th, 2020
it's my birthday today. whatever. i still can't stop thinking about the shining. i watched it again tonight. it's such a perfect fucking movie, i can hardly describe it. there's just something about it. i don't know. i feel like it's almost too much to think about right now.
it's also one of those things that somehow reminds me of how alone i feel in this world. how strange everything is. it makes me wonder if one day i'll go insane too from all this. i don't know.
i just feel so tired whenever i sit down and try to write something. i feel mentally exhausted. i feel like i just can't get out whatever it is i have to say. i don't know. maybe it doesn't really matter. it's all a dream anyway, isn't it? a dream within a dream within a dream. it doesn't matter which way i talk to myself, it all ends up the same. oh, but it's fun to try, isn't it? so much fun to play the game, except when it isn't any fun at all. but you'll still keep putting those quarters in. you're addicted. and it's so delicious as much as it is disgusting.
yeah. yeah, yeah. that's right. nothing could be closer to the truth. nothing.
i'm so tired. i can't write any more.
OCTOBER 28th, 2020
things have been okay lately, i suppose. i've been playing the tony hawk games a lot, since 4 and american wasteland were some of the first games i ever played as a kid. it's been a lot of fun, especially trying to learn how to actually get good at them and get higher scores and stuff. it's really hard, but enjoyable. it has also made me want to actually try and skateboard, kind of like it did when i was little too. so i went out and i bought one from my local skate shop, just a cheap complete one to see how i like it pretty much.
that's been fun so far, too. it's good for me i think because it's more of a solitary thing, which i of course gravitate towards. and it's good exercise too, which i probably need. i've been sore in my legs the past few days just from riding around and practicing ollies and stuff. i figure it must be good though. it's also probably good for me to have to fall and deal with possibly getting hurt. getting over that fear is important i think.
the only problem i really have is having to find a place to skate. seems simple enough, but for someone like me, of course it can't be so simple. the problem is mostly the fact that places that are empty most of the time like parking lots might get me kicked off of them, which scares me, and places that are meant for skateboarding like a skate park usually have people in them, which also scares me. so i have to get past something really scary either way just to be able to skate outside of my backyard. i've been trying to get past it though, like i've gone to the skatepark twice now just to walk around sort of and try to get myself used to it if that makes sense. i didn't manage to work myself up enough to actually skate there but, you know. it's some kind of progress. maybe i'll be able to do it today.
i dunno though, what else. not sure what else to report that isn't the same stuff i usually talk about. so i guess i'll leave it at that.
NOVEMBER 22nd, 2020
things are changing.
it's hard to put into words. things like this often are. but things are changing, and they're changing awfully quickly and strangely. i can feel it. i can feel so much, it's overwhelming. and i don't understand much of it, although i wish to. i feel more and more understanding as time goes on, though. i feel like something is really happening.
but it's very strange in the sense that there's no seeing it. it isn't something you can detect, something you can measure. it's just something i feel, something i know. this is why it is hard to explain. there is no real word or phrase for these things, no description, no analysis. it simply just is. and that is something very special, very delicate, very unforgettable.
the truth is not always what you might expect. it's not always what you are told. i mean, that's obvious at this point, isn't it? maybe. i don't know. i don't know much. but i know i don't belong here. i know there's something more to all this.
even now though, i feel myself holding back. i feel myself trying to be vague, trying to dodge saying anything that might seem like "too much". i still cling to this world and its standards, even when i know i'm not meant to be a part of it. luckily, i know that's just my own fear, my own self-doubt and self-censorship, and it can be overcome. hell, it might not even be "me". but whatever it is, it's writhed its way inside me and put my soul into a chokehold, leading me astray from the right path.
i'm starting to understand how i can truly heal. my sickness is a spiritual one, that extends itself to my mental, emotional, and even physical health. sometimes i wonder if i'm being attacked by something, but i don't know that for sure yet. i just know that i have to keep going, keep thinking and feeling, and trying to remember. it's, again, hard to put into words. but i know what i have to do. i know who i'm meant to do this with. and everything i don't know, i'll perhaps know merely once i'm ready to.
but uh, yeah. just some thoughts i've been having. you know. same as always. but it won't be for long.
DECEMBER 16th, 2020
i feel strange.
of course. this is nothing new. this is something that happens all the time. sometimes weekly, sometimes daily. doesn't matter. it always happens. it always comes back. i always say this, too. why am i saying it again?
i don't know. i'm just thinking about it, once again. feeling it. being enveloped by it. for what? i don't know. maybe just because. maybe for something more. i don't know.
it's difficult sometimes for me to see things in a pointed, practical way, if that makes sense. my awareness always seems to inevitably expand into the realm of the abstract, seeing the "bigger picture" of things in a way. trying to do the opposite almost brings me to a sort of disgust or exhaustion, like the particular matters of this world are just so meaningless and soul-sucking on their own that it drains me. saying that though almost seems misleading, because it is not necessarily the things themselves that bother me, but more the context in which it may be seen. i wonder if it's some kind of distinction between attachment and non-attachment. it only feels dire if i attempt to feel attached in any way to the thing being discussed or thought about, otherwise it feels just as usual. there's just something fundamentally revolting about attaching "myself" to anything of this world, like it's some kind of parasite that must be extinguished. it feels like it is all just meant to be observed and not touched, at least not by me.
and something about that feels strange in itself. i mean, why is that? maybe i am just not of this world, and thus it almost becomes like trying to mix oil and water together - it doesn't work at all. maybe i never got used to being in this world like everyone else seemed to, and my sense of belonging just got further and further from the realm of reality to the point where anything just feels foreign to me. maybe it's just an odd feeling that can be ignored just as easily as it is felt, and i simply choose not to do the former for whatever reason. i don't know. maybe i really am just not from here, and i only manufacture other possibilities to present the illusion of being unsure, when really, i know the truth right then and there. i always want to see things from all sides, right? but what if there is no other side worth seeing anything from? i don't know. still feels just as confusing as ever. maybe that's my own fault.
part of me is completely sick and tired of it all, but part of me still finds interest and feels there is something more to be discovered. but, discover? discover what? what are you talking about? i don't know. it's just a feeling, just a hunch. and that makes it crumble into dust again just like everything else. it feels sort of pleasant, or at the very least interesting, flowing down through the cracks between your fingers. but then it's gone again, until you pick up another handful. and the process begins anew. same as always. it just bides the time, what else do you have? anything better to do? wander the endless plains in a random direction looking for water, or shelter, or anything at all. all you get is the same thing you've always seen. but maybe someday, you'll see something. you can feel it. there's nothing but a feeling. and you keep walking.
walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking.
what does that mean?
i don't know.
just keep going.
what does that mean?
i don't know.
just keep moving.
something feels so fake about it all. but it feels so terrifyingly real at the same time. there's something real out there, and i can feel it. does that mean it's real? maybe, maybe not. what's the point in being so uncertain, though? it's just the way it is.
i just want it to end.
i want to go home.
this isn't home. this isn't anywhere. this is the space in-between, where nothing begins and nothing ends. it just goes and goes and goes and goes. i feel like i'm in-between it all. i can see everything and nothing at the same time.
there's nothing strange about this, is there? but it feels so strange. i don't know. i want to go, i want to leave, i want to get back home. but i'm stuck here, and it'll keep happening again and again and again. i'm just waiting for things to change. i don't know what i could do to change anything myself.
i don't have a problem to point to that makes sense. anything that you would expect feels like nothing, it feels like some kind of red herring. the weight of the world, chemical imbalances, lack of met needs, none of that makes sense. there's nothing concrete here, nothing to point to. nothing i know of, nothing that feels right to say. it all just feels like the parasite attaching itself to me again. the real problem, if it even exists, is something else. something fundamental. something about my being here in this world is fundamentally wrong and causes issues, conflicts.
maybe that's just something i have to accept, or deal with. perhaps it is nothing that can be "solved", short of just leaving this world entirely somehow. but i'm sure that will happen in due time, won't it? until then though, what do i do? that's the question. i don't know the answer. and i am currently in a strange in-between of this great in-between, where i know the answer may exist, but i don't know if it does for sure, and i of course don't know what it is or how to get to it. so, all i can do is bide time. but what if there is something to be done? how do i know what that is? how would i know how to go about it? i don't know. i really don't know anything. but will that stop me? probably not. hasn't stopped me so far. i mean, not like "stopping" is something oh-so easy to do on its own. but that's irrelevant. sort of.
well, whatever. just more biding time in my own head. running myself around in circles, tiring myself out, just to do it all again another day. what fun, what fun. you know how it is. well, do you? i don't know. only you know that. who-ever you are.
that's it i guess.
JANUARY 19th, 2020
for the first time in a very, very long time, chara woke up.
they looked around. or at least, they tried to anyway. but the only thing they could "see" was nothing. nothing, nothing, and nothing, almost as though they were blind. were they? they couldn't feel anything else either, though. they could swear that they were moving their arms and legs and head up and down, but it was like they were only spectres, feeling and touching nothing, having no real weight to them.
then they thought a bit more deeply for a moment. they tried to remember. where am i, who am i, what am i? they somehow knew immediately that they were chara. yes, chara. chara, and a human at that. realizing that fact made them wince, remembering what a terrible thing that was. or is? are they a human anymore? are they anything? they did not know. in a strange way, they almost didn't care all too much about knowing. but they continued on with their train of thought.
they tried to remember, if there was anything before this. there must have been, right? yes. right. they knew what it was. they knew what happened, in that next moment.
as they grasped more and more of what that meant to them, what it was, they began to feel a hollow emptiness growing larger and larger inside of them. they knew what happened. it… it failed. everything they had hoped for, the victory they had envisioned, the wondrous glory and justice and beauty of it all, the happiness of those who deserved it most. it had slipped from their fingers, fallen apart, just like everything else.
just like everything else.
they stopped thinking for a moment. just staring out into the empty expanse before them, into the nothingness. maybe that was the only thing they were meant for, the only place they had. nothing.
what a joke. what a fucking joke, it all is. they started laughing, and kept laughing. it was SO funny, they couldn't stop. tears were streaming down their face.
then, slowly, they slipped back into nothing.
it didn't feel real.
they looked around, and it didn't feel real.
it was really just the same as any other day, wasn't it? but it didn't feel that way. something was wrong. but at the same time, nothing was. and that's what felt so wrong.
they were in the underground, right? in the other room was their new family. they knew that. it was real. it happened. but it didn't feel like it did. nothing felt like it happened at all, almost as if they were only thrown into existence a mere moment ago. but they also knew that it all happened, and they remembered. they remembered everything.
and everything was too much. it all thrashed about in their head like a drowning fish gasping for air. that didn't make sense. did it? they didn't care. the feeling was overwhelming. but it was so quiet. so relaxing, yet so frantic. they lost themselves in the feeling. they lost themselves. they rarely thought about their own being, their own name, but now it was lost on them. "chara" was meaningless. it was the feeling of looking themselves in the mirror and seeing a bag of flesh, a vessel, an empty shell, and having to come to terms with the fact that the thing you're looking at is "you." and it is all you will ever be.
no. they couldn't be content with this. this wasn't all there was to this feeling. it can't be. there must be something more to all this, they thought. there must be something more, for all of us. this strange purgatory can not be the very end of our road. they felt a need to do something. they felt that very same need they felt on the day they fell down here.
they had to escape.
and funnily enough, unlike every other poor helpless fleshbag they knew of on that planet,
they were quite sure of how they were going to do it.
JANUARY 22nd, 2020
chara looked out the window.
it was the same as always. their same home town. the same houses, the same cars, the same trees, the same mountain far in the distance. it was always the same. there was no point in even looking out the window, as they did every morning. but they did it again anyway. that's just what they do. no point in questioning it, either. so it seems.
part of them hoped they would see something different out that window eventually. they hoped, but they knew it was not going to happen. that's only a fantasy, is it not? why would it ever be otherwise? but they hoped and fantasized anyway. despite everything. despite another morning passing by, with the same world outside their window.
this morning felt particularly terrible, for some reason. the weight of it all made them feel like they were going to choke. they thought for a second that maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. but survival instinct beat out, and they felt the discomfort and listlessness anyway. a slew of feelings washed over them, once again. they've felt it all before. but it was just as strong. just as painful. they didn't understand why, but that's just the way it was. there was no arguing with reality.
it was exhausting. utterly exhausting. they didn't want to deal with it any more, yet it continued. they continued, almost like they enjoyed it somehow. but they didn't, right? that cannot be possible. but why, then? why did they go through the same thing every single day, for nothing? what was the point of their struggling, why were they even alive? they couldn't find an answer. it frustrated them, it made them want to scream. but they didn't. they sat there, staring out the window. doing nothing. being nothing.
they grabbed the nearest item on their desk for something to do with their nervous hands. it was a pocket knife, one of their favorites.
chara thought about something funny for a moment.
they laughed, and put it back down.
FEBRUARY 5th, 2020
chara looked over at asriel.
they were eating together. asgore's home-made spaghetti. not the best, but not the worst either.
asriel was nearly scarfing it down, happy to fill himself up after a long day of playing with his new best friend. chara's plate was barely touched. chara just stared at him for a moment, almost envying his enthusiasm. soon though they realized it might be a bit strange, and stared back down at their own plate.
but they kept thinking. how is he just so… happy all the time? it was like he extracted meaning out of simply being with them or their parents, or doing something else he loved, or just simply being. obviously he was always a bit lonely, seeing as he had become so attached to his new best friend, but with them around it was like he had not a care in the world. it seemed so utterly incomprehensible. he seemed almost like an alien. or maybe, in fact, they were the alien one. that might make more sense, they thought.
but regardless, it perplexed them. and more importantly, it made them feel guilty for a moment. even with how well the two got along, chara would still often find themselves frustrated by asriel's sensitive, fragile, innocent nature. they didn't WANT to be so mean to him, but they felt as though they had no choice but to act at least a little harsh. because how else would he become strong? how else would he survive in the world of humans, if they ever found a way to escape? nobody gets through life by being nice. he had to learn that sooner or later. right? they couldn't see any other way.
yet, it still made them feel guilty. maybe they would never find a way out, and breaking down his soft innocence would be for nothing. maybe it simply isn't the right way. maybe he just doesn't deserve it, even if it has an end to justify the means. but, no, that can't be. that's not how this world works. you have to be prepared for anything. you have to be prepared for the worst. even with how perfect it seems down here, something could always go wrong. evil could always fall right down that mountain. and what would they all do then?
they would all die. chara knew that, they knew it for certain. and asriel would die too. they were no match for the cruelty of humanity. but, they thought, maybe i could at least save him. maybe i could at least teach him how to survive, how to last in such a reality. maybe then, things would not be so hopeless after all.
FEBRUARY 7th, 2020
the television flickered on, and buzzing static quickly filled the cramped, musty room.
chara was especially bored today. so bored, in fact, that they decided on sitting down and watching something. this was an activity they rarely partook in, although it was one of the only things around the house they even had to do. they typically preferred time outside, walking around by themselves under the shade of the trees. but today, they felt like something different.
the television they laid their eyes on was a much older one than they figured the people in town must have, since it even had one of those VCRs built into the bottom. they knew it must be something out of the ordinary too, since none of the shops ever even sold any tapes. but luckily, they did have a few, one of which being the ultra-rare full collection of Moo-Moo Missy Shooty, one of the most short lived yet well-composed pieces of western animation ever to grace the earth.
at least, that was how chara thought of it. it was their favorite. they liked it even more than unforgettable titles in their possession such as "Installing Office Software for your Blinblows 95 Computer" and "Sweating Up a Storm with Paula". they loved seeing Missy Moo-Moo raising hell and viciously turning all the disgusting evil humans into swiss cheese with her sharpshooting skills, always saving the day. chara had watched the whole single season at least seven times, if not more. every catchphrase and scathing remark memorized, every brutal evisceration burned into their brain. and yet they still extracted such enjoyment from the masterpiece.
ready for another marathon, they popped in the tape once more. this time, however, the unthinkable happened. the underside of the television made an infernal noise for a minute, and spat the tape back out. chara pulled it to try again, but it wouldn't budge. they pulled and pulled and pulled until
the tape snapped.
"Yes." they thought, smiling dumbfoundedly,
"Life truly is hell."
FEBRUARY 9th, 2020
they ran, and their sweater was soaked with rain.
scrambling over rocks, flowers, mud. nothing but that here. no humans, nothing to truly bother them any more. after falling and scraping their knee, they almost consider just stopping there forever. were they really in a rush, anyway? but no. they had to keep going. just because. because they could. and so, they had to.
the rain began to beat down harder and harder. cold. it was so, so cold. but they kept going. and going. until suddenly, before them stood a massive cavern entrance, ominous, yet somehow welcoming. chara stepped inside. they wanted to rest, but couldn't. they could see something, something in the distance. their curiosity overwhelmed their cautiousness, and they walked closer and closer to investigate. one step after the other. then, they felt a snag.
something at their feet. something was there, and it got in the way. it got in the way and they couldn't, they couldn't keep going anymore. they fell. and fell, and fell.
chara felt a sudden pain overwhelm their entire body.
they struggled to think. all they could feel was the horrible pain coursing through them, and the cold hard floor underneath their crippled body. they could not even move. they wanted to cry, but all they could muster was a dull groan that echoed emptily throughout the dark cavern.
this was the end, wasn't it? there truly was nothing here. no escape from the world of the mundane, the cycle of hollowness they had deduced the world to be, and the pointless horrors contained within it. it was only another path to death, another useless drawing out of what could have been accomplished better with a shotgun or a good rope. but it only makes sense, doesn't it? of course, of course. they knew that. normally it would hurt them inside, but now, they felt nothing for it. it is the way it is.
they tried to groan again, just for the sake of it, but found it a bit harder this time. they were leaving, weren't they? it was going to be over. chara sighed breathlessly. despite everything, a feeling of relief washed over them. none of it mattered anymore. they had imagined this moment too many times to count, yet the bliss was better than they could have ever expected.
their eyes felt heavy. they knew each breath could be their last. chara savored this incredible moment, the moment they would return their filthy body to the earth, and let go of it all. let go of thought, of feeling, of experience, of being. let go of the shackles binding them to this reality. it was finally, really happening. tears fell from their eyes, something they hadn't felt in a long, long time. something they would never feel again. just like everything else.
just like everything else.
chara took their last breath, and closed their eyes for the final time.
they were truly free at last.
the lifeless body laid motionless on the dirty floor of the dark cavern, its sweater soaked with rain.
FEBRUARY 17th, 2020
it was a beautiful day outside.
chara looked out the window. the wind blew softly outside, the birds were chirping, another autumn morning was playing itself out as usual. but they still didn't really feel like going outside. they didn't feel like doing much else, either.
they walked back to their mattress and lied down. staring at the ceiling again. the room was so dim, their eyes didn't actually have much to focus on. so it was more like staring into some sort of void, perhaps more fitting for the way they usually felt during such a time.
it was so quiet. almost completely silent, aside from the faint noises from outside and the up and down of their breathing. there was no one but them in the house, as usual. no one but chara. typically, that wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. but for some reason their mind wandered into the awareness of such a fact. the fact that they were alone.
they tried to remember the last time they saw anyone from town. something like… a month ago? two months? they weren't even sure. they forgot who it was, even. probably just some shopkeeper they had to interact with out of necessity, or perhaps a traveler or two in the woods taking an unpopular hike at the right time. one of those two, yeah. that's what chara figured.
chara chuckled to themselves for a moment, reflecting on this. they found it absurd to realize they were even thinking about this, giving it the time of day in any capacity. after all, they didn't care, right? they shouldn't. humans don't need any more presence in their life than they already have. and chara did just fine alone. they didn't need anyone else. of course not.
nobody would understand, anyway. they knew how cliched it sounded, but they didn't care. no one would. they were sure of that, it had been proven to them time and time again. so why bother? they were only saving time, and energy. saving for truly worthwhile pursuits.
right, they thought. that's right.
their mind wandered once more.
APRIL 8th, 2020
they aren't supposed to be here.
that sentiment is all chara could think of, walking through the dimly lit, empty halls. yet, they couldn't keep themselves from continuing. they had to, right? this was something they had to do. something they had to know.
but at the same time, they knew there wasn't really anywhere for them to go, or anything for them to do. they stopped and wondered for a moment if they would wander these halls and rooms forever, if it would begin to stretch infinitely like some absurd dream. above chara's head, a bright ceiling light flickered on for a moment, then back off again. slightly startled, they snapped back to reality and continued walking.
storage closets, rooms full of empty cubicles, dark spaces without any obvious purpose. halls, halls, and more halls. sometimes they would go up or down a level through the staircase, only to find the same places at a different elevation. everything was nearly spotless. or at least, they couldn't see the dirt and grime with how dark it was. they wouldn't usually expect such cleanliness from creatures as filthy as humans are. but perhaps buildings like these were held to higher standards than what they were used to.
chara almost began to feel hypnotised by the steady sounds of their footsteps against the soft carpet beneath their feet. it was pleasantly patterned, a simple black and white color scheme. looking down at it while moving in the dark made it seem almost like a river of strange shapes, flowing downstream for eternity. suddenly however, their captivation is interrupted by a strange sight down at the end of this particular hall, a door slightly creaked open with white fluorescent light pouring outside of it.
cautiously approaching the door, chara's spindly fingers slowly pry it open until they can see what's inside. it was merely another large cubicle-filled room, yet all the lights were on somehow. as far as they knew, the main lights everywhere else didn't work, yet here they were. even more cautiously now, they snuck through between the cubicles, looking left and right at each pair they passed, making sure nothing was waiting for them.
but what would be waiting, anyway? they thought about this for a moment, yet nothing in particular came to mind. it was the nebulous concept of that "monster in the dark," the strange and vicious thing coming to get you when you least expect, when you are most vulnerable. realizing this put them slightly more at ease, knowing it was merely a trick of the mind. yet, they still could not shake that feeling, the feeling that they were being watched, preyed upon.
chara found themselves fingering the old, rusty pocket knife they had in their pocket for a moment. they couldn't help but feel more paranoid with each cubicle they passed, even imagining in their mind how they would counter such an attack if it were to really happen.
they passed cubicle, after cubicle, after cubicle. nothing, nothing, and nothing. they almost didn't see the wall they were quickly approaching. chara breathed a sigh of relief as they reached the end, but a strange feeling washed over them as something else immediately caught their eye.
on this wall was a window, like the other ones throughout the building. however, this one was broken. looking down, they noticed the glass shards beneath their feet. someone, or something, really has been here. well, it seemed so at least. they wondered if perhaps this could have some more mundane explanation, but wracking their mind for an answer didn't reveal much of sense. chara did the only thing that made sense to them at that point, and went closer to investigate.
most of the glass had been cleared from the window itself, conveniently enough for any sort of exit or entry. chara leaned their head out to look around. the cool midnight breeze blew through their soft brown hair, somewhat comforting to them compared to the sterile air from inside. they stopped for a moment just to take a look at the city, so dark and lifeless. it was difficult to see much at all, only the occasional lit window or street light down below. through all this, another strange feeling washed over them. something indescribable.
looking down though, they didn't see any sign of a way up, or safely down. so reluctantly, they leaned back inside and gave up on getting much else out of this. chara took a deep breath, turning back around to keep up their search through the building. even already having confirmed the harmlessness of the room, they gripped their knife tightly walking back through and out the door.
nothing was going to get in their way this time.
nothing was going to get in their way this time.
the phrase echoed itself inside their head, over and over again.
OCTOBER 3rd, 2020
in the beginning, there was nothing.
but could you really call it a beginning? everything was already going on. the world was turning, the people were walking, talking, living their lives as they always had. nothing was amiss. nothing was wrong.
but for one human, there was nothing. and at the same time, there was something. a strange state of being and non-being, stuck in an eternal limbo. you could say it was something of an old magic trick, a forgotten trap being sprung after hundreds of thousands of years. or you could say it was really nothing at all. regardless, there was nothing. and then there was something.
a voice, all too familiar, rung out through the darkness.
"Chara, is that you?"
the young man's chest, or what was left of it, seemed to fill with some kind of long-forgotten anticipation. shuffling out of his little box, he shambled over to the source of this voice without a second thought.
"It's me, your best friend."
chara reached out to embrace him. he didn't have much strength in him, but it was enough for a hug. or so it seemed. upon making contact with the dark figure, it crumbled into a billion specs of dust in an instant, as if it was never there at all. another voice, similar to the last, pierced through the emptiness.
"Over here, silly."
this time, he could make it out. a young monster boy, sitting cross-legged on top of a bed of beautiful golden flowers. skulking over, chara felt something long gone return to him once again. a feeling of hope, perhaps. a feeling of love. he sat down in front of the boy, assuming the same position and smiling his trademark smile. he really felt like smiling, this time.
"Howdy, Chara! It's been... so long!" he said, with strange enthusiasm.
chara reached out a hand, and gently touched the boy's cheek. it felt so warm, so soft, so comforting. he didn't want to let go.
"It has, Asriel. It... has."
asriel's eyes fell down and looked solemn for a moment.
"Chara, you... you're falling apart."
chara looked down. his old friend was right. the flesh on his arms and legs were flaking off like snow being blown off a rooftop, exposing the lifeless muscle and bone underneath. he smiled once more.
"Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine."
"You worry too much, Az. Just like your mother."
the boy paused then, seemingly thinking for a moment. brushing his paws through the flowers.
"I know, Chara. I-I'm sor-"
chara's skeletal hand fell down onto the boy's shoulder, rubbing it gently.
"No, Az. Don't apologize. You don't need to apologize to me, alright? You tried your best."
"I love you, Asriel. I love you so dearly."
a deafening silence filled the space they were in. a strange feeling washed over them both. something seemed wrong, this time. something was different. but neither of them knew.
"Chara..." the young monster choked out, tears beginning to well up in his eyes.
"I... I don't know if I love you."
chara's gentle caressing stopped for a moment. then, he grabbed the monster's face with both hands, with an oddly aggressive firmness.
"Asriel. You love me too, don't you?" he asked, pleadingly.
"We're best friends forever, right? You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you."
"Please. You can't do this to me. I'm... I'm so alone here, Asriel. I have nothing. I threw it all away. Don't leave me here."
the boy's eyes glossed over as chara's desperate fingers rubbed harder and harder into his fur. it seemed to only become softer and softer as asriel's expression faded more and more, the tears drying up, the life escaping his body. he only had one last thing to say.
as soon as he said it, the lifeless body faded away into a trillion specs of dust, and blew off into the nothingness.
then, chara was alone again. crying and shuffling back over to his box, he lied down carefully and closed his decaying body back up into the grave he knew so well. there was nothing more to be done.
and with that, as soon as it had begun, there was nothing once more.