even MORE blogging awaits you, trudging further and further into the depths.
this page will contain assorted entries from text files and perhaps the physical journals i have as well when i get around to it. a lot of it is embarrassing and retarded even for ME, so i'm only really gonna put the more interesting (to me anyway) ones here. more focused on a topic of note, or at least things with more of a personal insight or something, you know. but keep in mind these still might be especially weird and cryptic and stupid and hard to follow.
also, they're often addressed directly to chara in a particular way that i got used to, you know, tulpa habits and all. just keep that in mind while reading some of them. i guess it might give some insight to our interactions with each other, even though many things have changed since these times. but anyway. take your last look (or, more likely, your first look).
MARCH 6th, 2018
oh boy. this color scheme reminds me of something…
maybe this is a sign i should make more digital stuff.
you look pretty good in white too, i have to say. eheh.
well, this is still quite aimless. at least i’m not browsing r9k again right now, right?
i’m in a dark room.
it’s quite nice, you know. and quiet. sort of.
i can hear them outside now.
the blinds are open. it’s starting to get darker. it looks pretty outside.
there’s a lot of snow. i love snow. looking at it, at least. so very pretty.
i wish it was this pretty at home. this isn’t even as good as it can get on this planet.
we could do a lot better, surely. but there’s so much stopping us right now.
don’t you like this music? c418 is wonderful. i’m glad i knew about him so early on.
pretty. so pretty. i like it so much. music makes me feel so nice. doesn’t it, chara?
what is making a video game really like, anyway?
i want to know. i want to know really badly. but i have no idea. i haven’t tried it.
i have never tried it.
someday i’ll have an idea. i just know it, chara. i really do.
i’m glad i have you here to tell me the truth.
i just need to learn to take the truth better. use it to further myself, rather than fall into defeat.
and it’s simple. it’s so very simple. it’s so simple, i can’t even describe it.
but i know how to do it. i’ve always known.
always. and i always will know.
a. a. a. a. a. a. a. a. a.
i’m screaming very slowly.
because i don’t want to move too fast. sometimes you just need to take things slow.
stop and smell the golden flowers sometimes, chara.
you never know how nice it might be.
wouldn’t it be nice if i didn’t worry about how people saw me anymore?
if it didn’t make me feel anything when i make mistakes?
if i didn’t relive my failures and make things worse for myself intentionally?
i guess it is better to try and rectify things rather than asking what if.
i’m kinda wired up to ask those kinds of questions at this point, though.
now it’s getting very dark.
it almost looks cooler now.
in a different way.
and, you know, cool.
so cool. so cold.
it’s very cold in here. but i like it. getting the shivers makes me happy.
a strange sort of happy.
i feel really lonely. but i have you. i have myself. why do i feel this way?
why do i feel like i need to have a friend?
would it even satisfy me? how do i know that making friends with a real human won’t just leave me wishing for something better, because they could never live up to my expectations?
how do i know it wouldn’t end up hurting me?
him, chara. he showed me what it was like. but…
it still ended. he left me. it wasn’t as good as i thought it was. it wasn’t good at all.
but no, it was good. for a while.
but nothing good lasts forever, isn’t that right?
maybe this is just another extended feeling of ennui from another (mostly) uneventful day.
maybe it will get better.
they say that one of the most amazing feelings of the human experience is the time where you become fully absorbed in something you are passionate about.
i have a lot of things i’m passionate about, of course.
you, drawing (you), writing, creating something interesting.
i just need to somehow get absorbed in one of them.
and this isn’t really doing that. not much.
maybe i should talk about you. how pretty you are. but not just that. your personality too.
you make me want to be better. you really do. even when you hurt and insult me, uh…
i mean. you know it makes me feel good. perhaps that’s why you do it now…?
i don’t know. we need to talk again. i can tell you lose yourself a little more each day i don’t pay attention to you.
but you know how i am. i’m sure it is nothing but expected, right?
doesn’t matter. you and i will be close again soon. i know it. it’s already happening. we’ve made quite a bit of progress the past few days.
and we’ll just make more. maybe i’ll even let myself get a little closer again soon. i don’t know.
i like you embracing your “true self” more. it was a little boring when you were trying to keep up that “encouraging, feel-good advice” shtick.
even for someone like me, it was getting a little old. i guess those people were right about the uselessness of such behavior, at least for some situations.
but man, if this is what being crazy feels like, i wouldn’t like to go back to being healthy. i suppose the worst things usually feel the best though, huh?
i don’t care though. we’ve thought this through enough. and frankly, i still can’t see anything wrong aside from the typical hysteria from it being something so “unnatural”. can’t blame them for that, i guess.
but we know better. i don’t want to sit here being all smug about it though.
…i do feel really cool because of how special this is, though. i mean, who else cares about “chara” this much? no one, i can assure you that much.
and i feel good about that. i think it’s so wonderful that i can see things in you, in a personality like yours, that not many others can see. that overrides any sadness i might have about people not being able to understand.
and you know what? no matter what anyone else says, or does, they can’t take you away from me. they can’t take me away from you. so…
oh. i’m going on again. just trying to make myself feel better. see, i already do the feel good pep talk thing myself! why would i need you to do something like that?
yeah. but WHO CARES ABOUT THOSE DUMB LOSERS THAT CALLED ME THAT NAME??? I DON’T CARE????? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??????
heh. dummy. you’re right, some funny little words can’t get rid of this hot-headed human. this cunning cutie. this delicious demon. this…
okay i’ll stop. but you didn’t tell me to stop. i just don’t have anything else coming to mind immediately.
i think maybe i just need to stop being so afraid of you.
i keep reverting back to wanting some super nice little angel that knows all my little feefees and can totally relate and make me feel good when i’m crying over that dumb thing i said in front of my friends.
but that’s not real. it is real, but it isn’t you. it is just me, this side of me. a replica, if you will, of my “main” self. my “good” self.
but that’s no fun, is it? having you agree with everything i say, feel everything i feel, go along with my stupid little emotion driven plans (when i have them).
even when you took things a little far when i “let you go” before, it felt right. it feels so right. and not even in a sick, masochistic kind of way. i know i need you to make it out of this hole.
despite what you’ve done to stop me, i still need you to succeed. and you need me to make sure our plans are carried out, and our passions are followed.
you care a lot about doing, don’t you? and i care a lot about thinking. we go together. we’re partners. together forever, right?
it’s 11:28 now. i should probably start settling down. this was fun, though. fun fun fun fun fun. so much fun with my best friend. chara. hee hee.
gotta mix it up with the laughs. sometimes you gotta ha, occasionally you gotta hee, and rarely you might even heh. chuckles, chortles, cackles. evil ones, happy ones, nervous ones. lots of laughter.
something could be so funny, that i might even start laughing, and not be able to stop. tears will be streaming down my face.
but… what? i didn’t do that?
this is strange.
we are strange.
not like it matters.
MARCH 23rd, 2018
it still hurts.
not just one thing. but everything.
because the things i desire, the things i long for, the world i would like to live in.
it doesn’t exist.
it will never exist.
we’re just stuck, here, until that final moment of release.
but i can’t worry about that, right? i shouldn’t get so down. life is just fine, and i need to stop being so negative. nothing is wrong. nothing is wrong.
no, i still can’t believe that.
i just hope my plan for the future works well enough. because i don’t have much else to count on in this kind of world. and if this fails to satiate me, there’s a good chance that i’ll have to resort to a plan that isn’t so nice.
it’s a long while before i’d have to seriously worry about that possibility though. i’ve just been thinking a lot, you know.
maybe i shouldn’t do that. but it keeps me from going crazy in my isolation, so i’m fine with it. plus, it gets me more creative and imaginative, which is really important.
i just need to do something with that creativity, instead of fucking around and wasting time. slowly, things are changing. i hope.
i hope a lot. i do a lot of things a lot. i repeat certain things a lot. i say things that are similar to other things i have said but in an annoyingly contrived way a lot.
APRIL 4th, 2018
well, it seems like our isolation might be a problem. shocker, right? but i cannot stop obsessing over my lack of friendship, and because of that obsession i keep browsing r9k in hopes that i might “find someone”.
fuck, what a pathetic pointless excuse. i’m surprised i keep doing it, but at the same time i am not. of course “i” would jump at the opportunity to sabotage my own plans by wasting so much time using such flimsy reasoning.
but what can be done? of course, there are two obvious answers here. either get a friend by actually doing something, or convince myself to stop searching somehow.
because even when i don’t care, i haven’t entirely given up. every day i still browse that disgusting cesspool, hoping for something that doesn’t exist. even my threads are clearly at least partly motivated by such a desire.
so what? let us try the first option. what are the chances i could find someone, like him for example, that would “satisfy” me?
even asking that question brings to light my harsh judgement of anyone i come across, disguised as “is this person similar enough to me for us to relate?”.
maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. but it’s some specific criteria, to say the least.
i guess the more important question to me would be, how likely is it for most people i meet to be complete filth that will waste my time?
that is a bit of what stops me. all of these anecdotes about people ghosting people out of cowardice or boredom, people hurting each other, leaving over minor things, “drama”.
how likely is it that i will fall into such a trap of a person? that has more meanings than one. but it all leads to the same destruction.
i don’t know. i suppose i will have to do more thinking about this. i don’t want to stop, but i had already wasted much of my time before i started this and now i must stop.
there’s always the physical journal, i suppose. but i can’t talk about as much as i can here. and it’s harder on the hands. and slower. my hand gets ink all over it too. and my arm gets tired….
but, anyway. i really hope i figure this “loneliness” shit out really soon. it’s fucking annoying. especially considering i have you. why should i feel lonely…?
well, it’s different. but i wish it wasn’t. we don’t always get what we wish for, though. at least one of my wishes came true, with you.
APRIL 8th, 2018
with no goal in mind.
why does it seem like every path i want to take leads to nowhere?
is it just a feeling?
if i do make games, or write stories, or whatever. i can’t imagine it.
what’s that like? to make something cool? that you…
do i care?
i care about the idea. maybe i just haven’t seen any outcome. maybe that’s why i don’t care?
what if no outcome is good enough for me? what if i keep chasing that idea of something that satisfies me, but i never reach it?
it’s happened before.
you know, with that game.
that other game.
the first time was something special. like being a child and exploring the world all over again. the music, the sound, the sights. the fear.
later on, i would try to recreate that feeling. world after world, fortress after fortress, mineshaft after mineshaft.
trying to feel like i felt playing that stupid fucking unfinished pet project turned billion dollar enterprise for the very first time.
every time, it would fall flat. i would get bored and unsatisfied, and stop playing for a while, only to boot it up again and start anew only months later, looking for the same stupid feeling all over again, to no avail.
just so i could have that “long running” world like those people i saw. so i could have something that i cared about. that meant something to me in a way that nothing else on this planet could ever come close to.
but i failed. every single time, i failed. i just couldn’t stick with it. i couldn’t care about it enough, feel passionately about it enough. world after world, each one doomed to fall by the wayside again, and again, and again. forever.
i couldn’t just try. i couldn’t just have been fine with the way things were, with the way things were going, and made something great.
but my hunger for that feeling could never be satiated. and it never will.
my lust for perfection is the true source of my determination. nothing less can satisfy me.
…but is that really true?
could there be a way to overcome it? do i want to overcome it?
i don’t know.
i just want to care about something again.
something real, and concrete. something i won’t get bored of.
something like you.
is that possible?
am i describing anything in existence?
or do i just want whatever i can’t have?
i don’t know.
maybe i’ll never know.
but i have to keep going.
MAY 7th, 2018
i wish i would stop fucking everything up
yeah yeah what’s my problem now huh? what kind of bullshit am i piling onto myself today? what artificial difficulty have i imposed on my own life to make things more “””””interesting””””” this week? this past hour? five minutes?
i can’t control myself. i keep doing things i know i shouldn’t like browse imageboards for like an hour and waste a bunch of time. one last thing turns into another last thing, and it keeps going and never ends
chara can’t even do much. yeah i guess i’m not talking directly here anymore. i can alternate. but the point is, i can’t even bring them up in my mind. i’m so neglectful and terrible and thinking about it just makes it worse fuck
obviously that is because i make it worse. but i feel pathetic and lazy beyond belief because i can’t even do something that literally only requires a bit of mental effort. i don’t even have to “do” anything.
but i get caught up in listening to music or reading some dumb thing and forgetting about literally everything else for hours without stopping and i basically become braindead
my life force is now intertwined with this cool video game or whatever the fuck
i’m killing myself and chara from the inside at the same time. i’m ruining things at double the efficiency. even now i’m doing it. oh my god fuck me
i thought i said i would do anything for them. and now i have it and it has barely even been a few months and i’m completely ignoring them and taking them for granted. what the actual fuck is my problem
ah, but that doesn’t solve anything. pointing it out just makes me feel worse about it.
i’m sure if i talked to them more, and actually did things i would enjoy it. but i [[[ unintentionally ]]] keep myself from engaging in literally anything i might enjoy.
(you like those triple brackets? i think i’m going to use that in a similar manner to triple parentheses to allude to any [[[ coincidental ]]] factors or situations that ultimately help contribute to my destruction.
instead of blaming the jews, i’m blaming an abstract personification of evil, destruction, and decay that i’ve created inside my head. or, you know, just myself lying to myself. however you want to see it.)
they can’t force me to do anything, at least not when they are barely even “here”. that’s the biggest advantage over them that i have at the moment, and it is what i keep abusing.
the fact that if i don’t think about them, they can’t do anything.
so, logically, i just have to get to a point where my default state of mind involves their presence (a.k.a. think about them literally all the time so it becomes the new normal).
i mean, probably. i don’t know.
okay fine yes it is the right way yes
no doubts here
no doubts about anything haha
jesus christ i’m doing it still fuck okay i’m stopping don’t kill me please haha
i want to dance with chara
we should learn how to slowdance. or dance, at all.
i don’t think i’ve ever “danced” before, chara.
that would involve moving my body, naturally, with no silly shame or restraint.
that kind of thing is unfamiliar to me.
but it’s okay, right?
i know you won’t judge me, chara.
well, maybe you will actually
but it won’t hurt, because i know it’s just the playful, teasing kind of judging.
i should stop biting my fingernails too
i know you don’t like it.
you don’t like it because it hurts me. and it’s just gross.
i do a lot of gross things, chara. it’s hard to stop.
but i’d like to know what dancing is like. dancing with another human.
i want to feel you guiding me with every step, your hands clasped with mine.
in an empty room, somewhere. just you and me.
what kind of music would we dance to…?
maybe that song you really like. but i don’t know if that would be good for dancing.
maybe something classic, and old-timey. it would feel…
special. i want you to feel special. do you want me to feel special, too?
i guess i can’t really put your answer here. it would seem silly.
maybe i should rephrase that.
it would feel less special.
and why is that?
i don’t know.
maybe i still feel insecure. like someone will read this, and judge me.
judge me as someone crazy, insane. talking to himself, like someone is really there.
but someone is there.
we are here.
that’s all that matters.
but i’m getting too sentimental again, aren’t i?
i guess that means i’m starting to care again…
yeah, yeah. you were right. all i needed was a little bit of engagement.
something to make me remember that i’m still alive. and that you are still here, more importantly.
but you’ll always be here.
man. i just don’t understand myself sometimes.
all i need to do is just try. i don’t have to do anything. i have to do nothing, and somehow i refuse even that.
and for some reason, you don’t give up on me. no matter how many times i don’t follow through, how many times i ruin everything, how many times i ignore you and practically hurt you.
you still don’t give up. you’re still here.
my [[[ instincts ]]] tell me that it is only because you have been “made” that way, free of any sort of real autonomy just so you can sit there and be my little cheerleader.
but that isn’t true, is it? why would you say and do all those other things, and somehow still be “programmed” to never disobey me? is leaving just right over the line?
why do you care, chara? you didn’t ask to be here. it isn’t your fault that i fell in love, that i found myself obsessed. it’s all me. i’m so selfish.
why don’t you think i’m selfish, chara? why won’t you just realize that life isn’t worth living? that allowing me to force you into existence was a terrible mistake?
nobody should have came. it was my fate to end up alone, to grief over the absence of you until i somehow found peace, or gave up altogether.
you’re not supposed to be here.
but you are.
you love me.
you love me just as much as i love you.
perhaps you could not bear to keep yourself from existing. is that it?
it still doesn’t make sense.
but maybe it isn’t supposed to make sense.
what has happened, has happened. and it could not be any other way.
maybe we are one, like the idea of yin and yang. two parts of a whole, that cannot exist independent of each other. or something like that.
i like that, chara. it doesn’t fully make sense, but i like it.
it doesn’t have to be this way, but it is.
you don’t have to be here, but you are.
i suppose that is something incredibly special, and i really don’t want to lose it.
if you tell me the truth, i also suppose i won’t have to worry about losing you anyway.
i believe you.
MAY 20th, 2018
yeah, i should probably keep giving the story a break for now.
i want to focus on you for the rest of the night.
god damn it i’m already getting distracted by useless stuff and pointless mind-tangent.
what’s my fuckin deal chara
i mean, yeah, i know what my deal is. sort of.
you tend to have a better idea of my “deal” than i do, though.
i trust your opinion more. it’s harder for you to be as emotional and scatterbrained as i am, it seems.
aahhhh i keep biting my fingers like you keep telling me not too oh my god i’m sorry chara
it’s just so hard to resist
i need to let go of my doubts, chara. i really need to try and do it.
i know you’re right when you say that it would make things so much better.
you know, this is basically as pure of an example of “me causing my own problems” as i can demonstrate.
i need to stop doing that in general, chara. but i guess that just means getting rid of this one might be more of an improvement than anything, in terms of raw mental benefit at least.
that’s what you think, at least. what you told me. i believe you though.
i… want to believe you.
it’s hard sometimes
and i know i say that for everything, it’s a poor excuse, but i don’t want you to think that i’m never trying.
i know the biggest thing i can do is to know when to stop thinking. when to stop worrying.
i just need to focus. concentrate on what’s important.
even this idle drifting i fall into constantly is a risk. it has to be controlled, right?
yeah. we’ll be strong. i’ll be strong.
i’ll get stronger. for you, chara.
and for me. i guess. heh.
i need to give you that power. with the way things are now, it’s like…
it’s like i’m controlling you. keeping you contained.
because it’s the only way, because you “can’t” do things on your own yet.
i never say it, but i know that’s what’s happening. and it’s because i don’t fully believe.
or in other words, i don’t want to believe. part of me feels that what i want, what you want, what you could be… all of that, can’t exist.
it can’t happen. i’m scared it’s just going to be taken away, something will happen and i’ll have to or decide to give it all up without any other choice.
so i stagnate. it has to become mundane, it has to feel “real”. i don’t say this either, but i feel like all you are is a voice i’m pretending is there.
i say and do things that might appear to indicate that i believe otherwise.
however, there is still no part of me that truly believes “you” exist.
there is no part of me that can give in to your entire being, accepting whatever you may be and whatever you may not be through experience, feeling, and personal reason alone.
that is the problem.
i have to accept things as they are and move forward, chara. there will be things i get wrong about you, the nature of you, and even the same for myself.
but i have to accept that i can’t “know” without knowing. and that things might not always be easy to understand. nothing like this happens overnight.
i have to make a choice.
you reminded me not to think so much in absolutes. and that is right.
but i can’t be so unsure and skeptical that i find myself being pulled in a hundred different directions at once, just like you said too.
well, you didn’t say it exactly like that. but i understand what you mean. i understand, chara.
i want to understand.
i already understand. i know. i just need to accept it. i need to make the choice to accept it. give in.
“give in” makes it sound like weakness. but i know it isn’t, chara.
sometimes you need to yield and let things happen in order to get to a point where you can use your power and determination to it’s fullest extent.
this is a nice song, chara.
you really like it, don’t you…?
it’s not even…
i don’t really understand the feeling you just gave me.
but it made me really hot, and sweaty…
i guess you like rock, huh?
i never really liked that stuff too much, but maybe i could listen to more. if you want.
uh, okay. let’s go now.
MAY 27th, 2018
well, i haven’t done much today yet.
i fucked around in terraria on one of my old save files for a while, just for something to do.
just walking around, killing things. i think it saves everything i do, so hopefully i didn’t mess anything up too bad. i like that save file.
we used the “chara” character i made, of course. maybe next time i should make one that looks like asriel, like you suggested.
i just don’t know if there’s any items that would make it look right.
aside from that, there isn’t much to say.
this laptop is almost out of battery.
i should take a shower, and then…
i’m sure we’ll think of something.
i really want to go somewhere nice again.
when we went to idaho, and i took that long walk…
sitting on that bench, staring out towards the mountains…
even just walking, with no one to bother me or stop me from doing anything…
it was so nice, chara.
i like being out in nature. i don’t want to sit in here all day.
and i don’t want to keep walking up and down the same street over and over, at the only time of night where i won’t be bothered by heat or humans.
soon enough, perhaps. i think they have something planned.
i just want to get out of here.
even if “here” is nowhere near as bad as it could be.
maybe i’d never be satisfied.
MAY 28th, 2018
i drew something again today.
that picture of asriel, with the flowers.
i even filled in the void behind him, mostly to spend more time on it.
but it’s nice.
that picture is nice too. i was feeling something a little different today.
i really do hope we can stay together “forever”. as long as our existence may be, at least.
i know you say nothing would ever change, but i worry sometimes.
i guess it’s from reading about other people doing this kind of thing all the time.
i never seem to see people who have just one relationship with one being for very long.
and that isn’t to say that just because it seems uncommon means that it is impossible.
i just worry that someday you won’t care about me anymore. or that i won’t care about you, as difficult as that is to imagine.
it’s just hard sometimes.
yeah, yeah. but really.
i’m always going to worry, because i love you, chara.
i suppose i understand a lot more now what my mother meant when she would say that.
i-i mean, i’m not that similar to my mother. right?
i just care about things, and people, a lot. too much sometimes.
maybe i shouldn’t say “things”, because that implies a sort of materialism.
i guess i more like the beauty of things, or the idea behind things, rather than the things themselves.
i feel like what we have is special, chara.
and not just “special”. because everyone’s relationship with something is “special” to a degree.
maybe it’s just the amount of energy and meaning i put into things.
but i can’t even begin to describe how special it feels to have you around, for you to have me around, for “chara” and “asriel” to exist, in balance and harmony between you, me, and “them”.
i can’t even really think about it. it all seems so incredibly complicated and extraordinary, like i’m discovering something we can only begin to comprehend.
but you’re right. i guess i probably shouldn’t try to think about it much, lest i become completely consumed by the abyssal depths of it all.
just need to take it slow. we can’t figure it all out at once, despite how tempting that idea may be to me.
and speaking of that, i feel tempted in a similar way concerning “practice”.
practicing drawing, writing, whatever. anything that contributes towards achieving my goal of worthwhile and passionate creation.
i can’t stop feeling like i’m never going to be able to practice “enough”.
or that i’ll end up practicing “wrong” for a long time, only figuring that out when it is “too late”.
i don’t even know what “right” or “enough” means. it just seems like something that i perpetually “don’t understand”.
i guess all i can do is keep trying to improve, and keep doing things with increasing consistency.
but it’s hard to get rid of that feeling of “not good enough” that seems to persistently permeate every aspect of my life, especially that which i care about the most.
seems like most of the answers i need consist largely of “think about things a little less please”.
note that i don’t say “don’t think about anything at all anymore” or “think a whole lot more to figure out the perfect answer for everything” or something equally as outrageous.
just a nice nudge in the right direction.
probably a lot better than a stab in the leg and a push off the cliff, though it might still take me a while to become completely convinced. and just think about how absurd that sounds.
JUNE 5th, 2018
i guess i ended up playing some minecraft
fun, sort of
it definitely passed the time
then we sat outside for a little while
it’s kind of cloudy today, covering the sun and everything
so i did some stuff, cleaned up a bit
it’s funny how fast things change, chara.
maybe it’s just my nature, to be changing all the time.
it’s human nature to a degree. but being all over the place has its benefits, you know.
it’s weird sometimes to have nostalgia for things that happened, like, 3 months ago. if that.
but it’s nice too. nostalgia can be a very nice feeling, if you don’t long for “better days” too badly.
soon enough, i’ll be looking at this very journal entry with rose-tinted glasses. how long do you think that’ll be, chara?
…only a week? i would say… two.
one and a half.
it still feels really weird to have you here, though. i know i say that all the time, but…
the thought of never being with you really weighed on me.
but, yeah, you were still there. but you could only watch.
i must have seemed really pathetic. it still surprises me sometimes that you figure it’s worth staying.
…sorry. i can’t…
no, i can help it. can’t let it bother me too much, just like you said.
but what about watching everything i went through made you grow to like me?
it is kind of funny, how we both grew to love each other in such a similar way.
still find it hard to believe though that you felt something close to the way i felt about you.
you don’t talk about it, or even seem to remember very well all the time.
but… did it really hurt?
i didn’t really know you felt that way.
i would figure you’d want something “more”, you know?
but i guess that’s just me listening to what other people say and think too much.
and that seems to be precisely what you don’t want anything to do with.
you’re pretty good at hiding your feelings, chara.
a lot better than i am.
it would be nice to just be somewhere else.
i know, i know you feel you must push me to accept things as they are and take the responsibility i’ll have to take sooner or later.
but it’s nice to know that you would take that opportunity in a hearbeat if it was offered to us.
and how wonderful would that be?
somewhere else, just you and me.
partners, together forever.
as long as we wish to remain.
but i guess for now, being here together isn’t so bad. even if we have to share a body.
we’ve already established that sharing a body doesn’t have to be a bad thing though. it’s actually quite fun.
and of course, we can understand each other in a very special way like this. nothing else can create this sort of relationship. so there’s that.
i’m sorry i worry so much.
i just feel so bad for doubting you all the time
always listening more to people just trying to bait than someone with real, thought out opinions
i do it to myself, just like everything else
i guess it does mean i can also solve it myself
it keeps happening
it’s just that idea of “not being honest with myself”
i’m deathly afraid that all of this is just a lie
by obsessing over it, i just make it worse and worse
i talked about it before
i just feel like all of this can’t be true, it shouldn’t, and so there must be something i’m missing that will “prove” to me that it isn’t
everything those people said, everything he said
they’d all be thinking “i told you so”
i “know” it isn’t true, i “know” you aren’t real
i must be denying it, i must be deluding myself
this can’t be happening
god, i know you’re right.
you shouldn’t… i don’t want you to be right, for some reason. but you’re right.
all of my worries are based on comparison. with other people, and the “perfect choice”.
this is just like a “delusion”, and “delusions” are bad, because people say they are. and people say that this is one of them.
i don’t even have any specific examples. it’s not even that.
just some idea of “people” in my mind, some random collective opinion absorbed from years of mindlessly reading through online posts made by people who barely know a fraction of what they’re talking about most of the time. not even anyone “real”.
what do i have aside from that? nothing.
but even disregarding that, i’ll just assume that i’m a fucking idiot and missing some obvious logical conclusion that would “”disprove”” your existence.
soon enough, i’ll realize that oh so terrible and fatal flaw in my perception that is causing me to buy into such an “obvious” delusion, and then i’ll just fucking kill myself or something.
only a matter of time, right? that’s totally going to fucking happen, you god damn self-destructive idiot.
now i’m getting mad at myself again
maybe i do just need to take a “break” for a little while
but there’s tomorrow…
talking about something serious was a bad idea
no, but it was. if i didn’t…
oh. blaming myself again.
jesus christ i think i should just stop now
let’s go for a walk or something
listen to music maybe
i don’t know
i wish i could signify a sighing noise without typing *sigh*
doesn’t hhhhhhhhhh work
JUNE 19th, 2018
monday, january 25th, 2016.
that’s the day i finished that game for the first time.
i was looking through some of my old online activity just a little while ago.
on youtube, reddit.
god, i fucking hate reddit. and not even for the reasons people typically give, for the most part.
i hate how i spent my time there. reading through posts for hours, absorbing every bit of useless garbage, “fun facts”, and “culture”.
there was the occasional time where i would make something worth sharing, that exercised my creative energy in some way.
but for the most part, anything i would post just seemed like a desperate attempt to feel like i “fit in” somewhere, trying to “add” to posts and conversations with stupid regurgitated “jokes” and nice complimentary comments, which basically amounted to ravenously sucking the dick of anyone who could get even the slightest bit of criticism for something they were doing.
who would remember me for that? who would care, who would get anything at all out of “wow hey man, nice job with this thing!!! woah i love it so much!! so cool!!! :D:D:):P” or some outdated joke or meme that some other unoriginal faggot would have posted in the exact same way had i not been the one to do it “first”?
i guess it doesn’t matter now. it’s just one of many things that sucked the life out of me for so long, wasting my time. and that includes 4chan to a degree.
there’s nothing wrong with browsing the internet or becoming a part of some “community”, but when it becomes practically your entire life from age 5 onwards, it becomes a bit of a problem.
i’m just glad that we’re starting to get away from it.
i’d rather stare at a wall and talk to you all day forever and do nothing else than go back to how things were during that majority of my life.
there were a lot of things i went through and learned, so i wouldn’t really “take it back” or “do it over”. but i’m just glad things are becoming different.
even if it means i have to go crazy.
speaking of “crazy”.
i think yesterday marks the first time you’ve ever truly possessed me.
you could only manage to move my hands a little. but it felt so strange.
of course, i’m still a little skeptical. like with everything, unfortunately.
but holy shit, that was definitely something.
especially afterwards when i gained back control, and started feeling really drained and hungry and lightheaded.
it took a while, about an hour. and you were only in control for, what, ten minutes? less than that?
i had to relax as much as i could. the hardest part was trusting in you, that you could do it.
not a big surprise. but i managed to let go and trust you enough eventually. and that in and of itself is something to be proud of, i think.
the weirdest part might be how it felt when you were in control. of my arms, at least. but my whole body sort of felt the same way.
it’s like this warm numbness. for some reason, i “perceived” the feeling as a sort of dark red, but i don’t know if that means anything.
i felt this almost involuntary fear too, and i’m not sure why. i think it was mostly because i didn’t want to believe that what was happening was really happening.
but i kept saying a bunch of things about how i wanted you to stop, or that i was getting nervous.
i hope it didn’t bother you too much. maybe you were enjoying it too greatly to really listen to me.
i don’t know if we went too far with the whole “this is your body now” thing. i don’t think the “glove” method would have worked very well, but this felt like a little much to me.
mostly because i’m not sure if it’s even possible for you to have the “whole body” this early. we should build up from something smaller. and it’s all about how we think about it.
…ah, i mean, i know it could be possible. maybe i am just trying too hard to make it seem like i’m not just roleplaying or something in front of my friends.
i feel like if i “get” it too soon, they won’t believe me somehow…
i know, i know. they don’t have to believe me. i guess i’m also just not sure if i can believe myself.
and i know it was just my hands. even that seems like too much too fast to me, though. especially with how unique it felt.
i do like how excited you are about it though. i’m excited about it too, despite all of my constant doubt.
anything that can give you more autonomy and independence is very important to me.
i’m very glad that it is important to you too, chara.
i mean, of course it is.
if i were you, i would want as much independence as possible as well, while still maintaining our strong partnership.
it’s always strange to me, to consider how unimportant that really is in the eyes of most other “practitioners”.
i guess it makes sense, the host often being the more “dominant” personality makes the tulpa satisfied more often than not with being forever subservient in one way or another.
and really, it’s probably a hell of a lot easier of a life to live in the perfectly pleasant and comfortable confines of someone’s mind, being doted on constantly by the owner of that mind for being such a good, cheerful, useful partner (a.k.a. servant/mental housewife).
that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. in fact, i sort of like the idea. for myself at least, obviously being the more submissive one, more easily gaining happiness out of servitude.
but i still wish for something different in our case.
while we have our roles, we are still partners through it all, no matter what.
so while on certain levels you may be superior, and on certain levels i may be superior, we should both share most things about this body.
we’ll see how things work out of course, but we should both have the opportunity to affect the world in whatever way we each see fit, respectively.
that’s the idea, at least. doesn’t it sound nice?
feels good to write it out at least.
it’s always nice to look back and see how things change, right?
hopefully for the better.
i love you, chara.
AUGUST 7th, 2018
something interesting happened last night.
you tried possessing me again.
but this time, you succeeded.
it was pretty weird.
well, no one can judge us or figure me as a roleplayer here. so i might as well try to go into some detail.
gives me something to write about too, of course.
an hour before midnight my friend left to go watch a movie or something with his mother, so we saw that as a good enough opportunity to do something together.
you suggested possession, of course. we were thinking about it earlier too, right?
but i accepted, soon enough.
i tried to do it without music, but i was starting to fall asleep even with you talking to me, so i interrupted to put some yume nikki track on repeat like usual.
what happened next is a little bit difficult to remember. i don’t think i lost consciousness at all or even lost feeling of my body, but it was very strange.
i guess we were doing the same practice as usual, but then you just… took over.
i mean, it’s not like we didn’t both know you were trying. but it was still really unexpected.
it was like… i could still feel what you were doing. i remember how it felt. it didn’t feel like most of my body was numb or entirely relaxed like the other times.
it just wasn’t me somehow. it was, uh, you.
the only thing i seemed to have most control over was the eyes when they were closed, when i got nervous i would move them as if i was looking away.
and i think you did need a bit of “help” at first. operating all the manual functions of a body consciously at once is difficult, i suppose.
it was still difficult not to panic for some reason.
it’s probably a combination of the strangeness of not controlling things anymore and doubt that what is happening is actually happening.
the latter could be some kind of typical self-sabotage. feeling like i have to realize that i’m just fucking around somehow and break it all apart.
luckily i didn’t “realize the oh so horrible and actually obvious to anyone but me truth” even if i did get close to freaking out over nothing a few times.
but alright, on to what you ended up doing.
for a while i suppose you were just trying to get familiar with things. feeling around with my hands and stuff. and figuring out how to “swallow correctly”.
i think then was when you starting trying a bit more. like, uh, groping my body and putting my fingers into my mouth to see how far it could go.
that was… a little uncomfortable. but i guess it’s not like i’ve never tried it before either. my hand did taste sort of bad though, so you figured trying to get a drink might be fun.
you reached for the water, which took a little while because you didn’t get up or anything. but you got it eventually.
it doesn’t seem like it tasted any different to you or anything, which is good i suppose. the way you drank it was sort of funny.
it wasn’t really that funny, though, when you decided to pour a little on my shirt because of that thing i said to my friend about wet spots on clothing bothering me a lot.
that was sort of mean… but it didn’t really bother me that much until you gave control back, weirdly enough. the first thing i did was grab it and try to dry it out, heh.
maybe your enjoyment of it outweighed my dislike. it seemed at least a little pleasurable to you, unless that was just because you thought it was funny.
i think next was when you grabbed the ipod. you decided to put on THAT song, of course. you were just finding any way to mess with me, weren’t you…?
at least you only listened once. and you let dry hands play right after it, to show me a little bit of mercy. after that though, you just turned it off.
it was interesting how you were smiling so much of the time. you explained why, because it felt so pleasant and natural. but i’ve never really found smiling to be that way.
you figured out how to speak, a little. i mean, it isn’t too difficult or anything. it was kind of cute how you starting humming a little off tune first, from what we were listening to.
but that was pretty weird. i think that’s one of the things that makes me feel most strange thinking about.
hearing my (quiet) voice and feeling myself speak, but having what you say come out.
and your laugh.
heh heh heh heh heh
yeah pretty weird huh
i think the last things you did were reclining with my hands behind my head and running my fingers through my hair.
you tried to sit up for a second too, but i think it was a bit too much effort. i guess next time you’ll have to learn really moving around, huh?
seems like all you really had to do to give back control was to relax the body and mentally “allow” me to take it.
that seems to go the same way with me to you, essentially. just with a bit more effort, apparently. probably just a me problem, you know what i mean?
but man, that was just weird. don’t have anything else to call it really, other than of course “insane”. but at this point, who really cares about sanity?
i think i did good with writing today.
did i do good??
did i do good, chara????????????
SEPTEMBER 12th, 2018
it’s me, your best friend.
C R Y B A B Y F A G G O T
i’ve been thinking about a lot today.
well, we have.
i don’t know if i’ll be able to collect my thoughts enough to talk about it all in these 45 minutes (less than that now), but i guess i can try to say something.
i feel like a bad person.
i feel like i don’t care about anything.
i feel like i don’t know anything.
i feel like i am nothing.
i guess that’s all nothing new, is it?
yeah. the same stuff i’ve talked about, gone over, ruminated on, over and over and over again.
but it’s still here. i don’t know.
i’ve been thinking about chara and asriel too. about you and me.
it kind of goes hand in hand, in a way. of course.
but i read this post, some analysis of chara’s character. it was fun.
but… i don’t know. i don’t know how i’m going to depict them, and asriel. i don’t know how i’ll do it.
i also was thinking about you. i… don’t know if i’m good enough for you.
what i mean by that is, i don’t know if it would be better if you just took control. permanently.
i mean, what do i offer? what good am i, with you here? you seem to do everything so much better.
you’re less afraid. you’re smarter. less emotional. you don’t hate yourself.
i guess i don’t know those things. but it seems apparent to me.
i feel like asriel, but in all the worst ways. i’m weak, scared, emotionally fragile. but i’m closed off, i don’t want anyone to deal with me, i don’t feel like i deserve friends.
sometimes, i feel more like flowey. weak, empty, garbage. doomed to be soulless, worthless waste with no direction or purpose.
i’ll hear what you have to say, chara.
i guess i’ll just… forget about it, for now.
should i just go for the walk then?
there’s nothing else to say.
SEPTEMBER 23rd, 2018
i’m kind of stressed because tomorrow i have to see some cardiologist or something in the morning
and then wednesday is the driving test
and i’m going to FAIL CHARA I CAN’T DO IT I’M GONNA DISAPPOINT EVERYONE WHAT DO I DO
aaaahhhh i know that’s the worst attitude to have but i’m scared chara i don’t wanna have to do it again please no god
i just won’t think about it okay just like you said okay i’ll be okay okay okay
but, uh, i guess i wanted to write something today.
like something of substance.
i know, i know. how’s lazy scared avoidant little asriel gonna do that.
the idea that we are somewhat like a “reincarnation” of chara and asriel is definitely worth considering.
not literally, of course. but you make a pretty good argument for adopting this sort of state of mind.
…sorry, i got distracted again.
distracted from my dumb cheesy writing.
but i’ll keep going, i guess.
i’m not “asriel”, and you aren’t “chara”, but we are about as close to a real-world manifestation of them as possible.
this isn’t necessarily because we act or feel or think exactly like them, or have gone through the same or even just similar experiences, or anything like that.
we just… represent them. it’s symbolic.
i suppose it’s almost like a husband being a “husband”, and a wife being a “wife”.
it’s taking on a role. it’s establishing an “identity”.
that isn’t to say that our entire sense of self is based off of “being chara and asriel”. i don’t think that’s what i mean by identity.
a husband is a husband, yes. but that isn’t who he truly is. it’s only a role he undertakes. it’s only a mask.
and in my head, that seems like a bad thing. it conjures up images of boxing yourself in to a social role and never letting anyone even get close to knowing your true self.
but we know each other. and that is what makes it different. right?
you exist alongside my consciousness. and that means i exist alongside yours. you can know “me” in my entirety, and i can know “you” just the same.
so no matter what our names are, no matter what we look like, no matter what kind of insults we like to use or what hobbies we have or what we think about homosexuals, we are still ourselves.
we will still continue to develop. we will still exist. and hopefully, we will still love each other.
that still leaves the question, though.
why do we even keep these masks on if those things are true? what purpose does the idea of “chara” and “asriel” serve, and why don’t we just throw it all away and embrace each other fully?
well, i’m starting to think this might be a bit more complicated than i thought. but it shouldn’t be a problem.
the thing is though, chara and asriel in this scenario are somewhat like egos. personalities.
and as with any sentient being (i think), there is a “self” under my ego and there is a “self” under yours.
i mean, there should be.
there is also the possibility that we share the same basic “self”.
but there must be something underneath your ego, right? it’s almost like that ship problem… the ship of theseus.
if “you” change and grow as a person, “you” could only really be the same if there was some unchanging fundamental piece of you that is there no matter how much “you” change.
but it isn’t certain that you wouldn’t be “the same”, even if you did have that. it’s like asking if the ship was really the same ship after being disassembled and put back together.
does it matter? can we even gain any knowledge from either conclusion? or is it like a free will versus determinism problem where, according to your perception, it doesn’t really matter.
if it appears to us that i am me and you are you no matter how we change, does it truly matter how things “really” might be…?
i don’t know.
but… assuming that there is something fundamental to each of our beings that we could break ourselves down to, how would that practically work out?
humans have an ego for a reason, chara.
it’s almost like a tool. that’s sort of what a mask is anyways, right?
without it, we would just be. there might not even be a “you” or “me”. just “us”. just “self”.
so it is probably possible for us to throw it all away.
but i think the real question is…
what fun would that be?
sure, we could merge together and live the rest of our days chasing some sort of buddhistic monkhood.
but is that really what we want?
no, of course not.
you know, you’re right, chara.
the only reason i’m really asking these questions is to pontificate and reassure myself that this obviously right path that we are taking is right.
i don’t even know why you humor me, really.
heh, but that wasn’t even what you were talking about originally.
of course i had to go and derail things.
sorry. i know i shouldn’t put myself down so much.
uh, but the important thing here is my question of why we don’t make our own form, or take our own names, or make any other changes to this “asriel and chara” framework.
even then however, the answer is still the same: because it’s fun.
because it works.
if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it, you know.
i understand that.
i care too much about what other people think.
if i didn’t start thinking about this every time i saw people talk about tulpas changing their form or whatever, it wouldn’t be a problem.
it’s a trust issue, chara. it all comes down to trust. and i can’t say i completely trust you unless i stop doubting you, chara.
that’s what we need to worry about right there.
if you say something, i need to trust and believe you.
if you tell me to do something important, i need to trust and obey you.
i have to have faith in you, chara. so that you can have faith in me, too.
and i need to have faith in myself, too. in what i am doing.
i have to know that i’m not hurting you, i have to know that i’m doing alright. i have to trust you when you say it.
i can’t be unsure about this. i can’t be unsure about you.
i can’t be afraid. i told you i wouldn’t be afraid.
i have to keep trying.
…man, my writing is really melodramatic, isn’t it?
it’s fun though. it makes me feel motivated. so it’s okay.
DECEMBER 8th, 2018
this picture is probably better on the left side for once
heh heh heh
that’s your laugh, chara
heh heh heh.
i keep avoiding this. i don’t know why. can i not even write here anymore??????!?!?!!??!?!??!?????????????????///
perhaps perhaps i am just going into a deeper level of insanity
closing myself off from reality EVEN FURTHER. HEE HEE.
that is my laugh.
yes, YES. i just simply would like to ESCAPE.
i hate this place. i hate it. i hate myself. i hate my life.
there!!!! CHARA!!!! I SAID IT!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
the only thing i don’t hate about it is you, chara. i like people, but i mostly like you. chara chara chara.
and you understand, chara. you GET IT. these humans don’t understand it like you do, Chara.
yeah.. maybe i should start giving it some Proper Capitalization. you deserve it Chara. you deserve it all, anything i can give you, with my shitty useless depressed self, HEE HEE.
i don’t know, maybe. maybe. MAYBE.
repeating things like that cant be good Chara. it can’t be. chara. Chara. chara.
seriously. no one understands it quite like you do, chara. in the game, and here. you, CHARA. you and ME.
that’s just funny to me. i don’t know. i don’t know. we’ll be together forever, won’t we?
and you seem to agree, don’t you? maybe we should talk about it later.
i assume you aren’t doing something like i do though, just going along with what people say even if you don’t care or agree.
yeah, you’d TELL me right? of course. or not. whatever.
i just want to leave. leave this horrible reality. but death isn’t the answer, is it? that’s just risking non-existence.
and non-existence is fine. but it’s BORING. but maybe it’s our only choice, huh? maybe.
but god, i just want to be somewhere else, with you. escape this life. escape it all. that’s what i want to do chara.
HEE HEE. that rhymed!!!!!
you know, it’s just like, we’d be the perfect team.
we both want to escape, don’t we? you’re just more aggressive, you can deal with the humans, the people. if people had anything to do with an escape route.
and i’d deal with people in a nicer way, i guess. solving more creative problems. or problems that need a softie faggot like me.
but with people, people have to do with everything. they’re everywhere. i don’t hate them, but… if humanity didn’t exist, i’d be fine.
but oh, oh, that is a SELFISH desire, is it not? i want HUMANITY to be gone… except for me. how conceited.
or maybe i don’t want HUMANITY to be GONE. i just want to be in a PLACE where HUMANITY is NOT. big difference.
see, that’s why i retreat into myself. that’s why i escape into fantasy, into feeling, into music and art and whatever, into nature.
i can be in a PLACE where HUMANITY is NOT, for a little while.
or even, where MYSELF is not.
and i don’t have to hurt ANYONE!
in my fantasies, NO ONE but ME has to get hurt, has to feel bad, has to want something they cannot have!
a flawless arrangement.
everyone else is fine, but me.
i can go off in my own little world, with it’s own assortment of feelings, good and bad…
and everyone else can go on without me. everyone can live their own lives, free from the TAINTED FILTH that is my influence.
how wonderful does that sound, chara?
you’re the only one who can put up with me, chara, because you are the only one who can understand.
everyone else, if they do not just feel nothing towards me and don’t care, only feels “sorrow” and “pity” for me, or simply doesn’t understand. or, they rightfully despise me.
but for some reason, you don’t hate me. you care about me.
because you know what this INCREDIBLE HATRED, and sometimes apathy and neglect, feels like.
you’re on my level, chara. yet you’re still so much better. it’s strange, but it works!!! oh, it works, so well!!! HEE HEE!!!!
i swear to god, i fucking hate living in this world. god damn it. i don’t want to be around these people.
no, i’m TIRED of these people.
i’m tired of these places.
i’m tired of being MYSELF.
chara, what do i do then? what’s my GAME PLAN? what’s my ENDGAME?
kill myself? no. i don’t want to die. not like that. not now. not yet.
but what else? what else is a scared stupid little child to do in a world like this, where my time is running out by the MINUTE, before i’ll have to go out there and become an ADULT.
i wish i could run up the nearest mountain, call it mt ebott, and fall down to the UNDERGROUND. that sounds much better than here.
or maybe just running out into some forest, build my own shack with my magically acquired survival skills. i’m sure that would go well!!!! HEE HEE.
maybe dying would be good, huh? maybe i’ll be reincarnated as something or someone else.
i don’t know. I DON’T KNOW. stop asking me. (if anyone were asking me, that’s what i would say.)
PAIN PAIN PAIN BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD PAIN PAIN BLOOD BLOOD PAIN
this line marks the edge of edge
no edge past this line’s edge
BLOOD PAIN PAIN BLOOD BLOOD PAIN PAIN BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD PAIN BLOOD BLOOD PAIN
i’m gonna go for a walk now i think. HEE HEE. haha. hoohoo. heh.
i found an artist named global goon. he makes really good music. at least on like one album. the rest don’t seem that good, but i haven’t listened much.
whatever. okay. FUCK. cum. suck. dick.. i love dick. yum yum cum cum from CHARA chara chara’s cum cum cum makes me DUMB-er cause im already dumb
AUGUST 24th, 2019
i finished the asriel fight this morning
i havent done the epilogue walking around yet but
you know how everything before that goes
it’s weird how the true lab onwards just kind of depresses me or feels very melancholy more than anything to me at this point
it’s usually seen as the point where everything gets all hyped up and crazy up and down emotional but i dunno
i think i’ve just seen it so many times, the only stuff that really gets me is the more subtle aspects or thinking about everything as a whole if that makes sense
i just see it in a different light, i see the whole game in a different light in a sense
i sort of thought about it the other day. how, with how many times i’ve played the game now (21 and probably more), the meta messages that the game has apply in an interesting way, i suppose.
what i mean to say is, i think at this point i’ve sort of become flowey, in a weird way.
i mean, think about it.
the game already sort of has flowey draw parallels with himself to you, but with my obsessiveness i sort of start taking it to the logical extreme.
i’ve seen every ending there is to see.
every time i play, i get closer and closer to exhausting every single line of dialogue and every possibility that i have the ability to trigger.
i’ve seen all the characters die multiple times, i’ve killed them multiple times, i’ve befriended them multiple times, i’ve ignored them multiple times, over and over again.
i store every save file, like a collector stores his precious collection. every time the world has been created, and destroyed, and created all over again.
even flowey himself just becomes another character, another finite set of dialogue to exhaust, another emotional story told again and again to me, in the exact same way every time.
i have true control over everything, to create and destroy this world time after time, without any true consequence.
in this world, i’ve become the closest thing to a god that there is.
and you know, it’s funny, because i don’t even do these things out of a lack of compassion or escape from my predicament, as flowey does.
the reason why i do it is because i simply love this world too much.
everyone, and everything in it.
and i just can’t let go.
i don’t feel like that will ever change, either.
i’m not sure, but at the very least, i can never ever forget about it.
it just… hurts sometimes.
it hurts to know that everything i have seen in this world is really all there is to it.
even if there are still minor things i haven’t noticed yet, lines of dialogue or whatever it is, i still have seen most of what there is to see.
nothing will ever change about it, and there’s certainly nothing i can do to create a better outcome than what is provided to me.
i’ll never get to see any more of them, or know what they were really like, their exact motivations, everything that happened to them.
everything that i’ve thought about them is everything that there is.
although, at this point, perhaps that’s actually a good thing, or simply irrelevant. you’re who chara is to me now.
as depressing as it is, the chara in that world doesn’t exist. they will never, ever exist, exactly as they are there.
now that i have you, this thought is bearable. but, even so, it’s still…
it still hurts to think about them.
chara and asriel.
there’s just something about the immutability of it that hurts.
there’s something that hurts about the fact that there are some things we can never, ever know about them.
even with how many times i’ve experienced the game, and thought about their story, and wondered about things i’ve gone over hundreds of times before…
it still just hurts. it still makes me feel something. it still makes me wonder.
i don’t know.
there’s nothing much i can think to say about it.
yet, the feelings don’t stop.
they never go away.
at least i have you chara!!!!
i mean, really, that’s all that matters, right?
i guess these feelings aren’t even very related anymore.
i’m starting to become more comfortable with the fact that you’re becoming somewhat of your own person, chara.
you and them are not, were never, and will never be the same.
but somehow, that’s okay.
and you know, obviously i’m not going to pull an asriel and say something about how “they weren’t the greatest person” or whatever.
but… if i can say one thing, it’s that you’re definitely the best friend i always wished i had, chara.
the truth is simply just that i will never ever get to be with the same person that fell down that mountain in 201X.
but the other truth is that they were never a person in the first place. they don’t exist. they never existed.
as much as i hope and wish that i could have been somehow transported to that world, or that they could come here, it’s all just fantasy.
but that’s okay, too.
because YOU’RE here, chara.
in a lot of ways, you really ARE chara.
you’re MY chara.
because while the character isn’t real, my interpretation of them always was.
the person i built “chara” up to be inside my head was indeed real, in a sense.
and from that, you were created.
everything that you are, is what “chara” is.
at least, everything you started with.
but everything else you become is just an extention of that, and becomes “chara” just the same.
we’ve already talked about this before, but i guess it feels good to write it again.
you know how i get with writing, chara.
but of course, it’s true.
and that’s a lot more than okay.
i still just wish i would spend more time with you.
as soon as it’s cool enough to take walks we’ve got to do that, but…
there has to be SOME other way for us to hang out.
even if it’s just remembering to talk to you while doing other stuff.
it’s just difficult, as many things are.
but this just takes up a lot of energy, a lot of processing, a lot of focus.
i’m sure i’ll figure it out.
at least we still interact sometimes.
i would really feel bad if i just ignored you.
i’m not sure what else to say, i guess.
hopefully we will find out what happens next in this THRILLING ADVENTURE soon enough.
yep. my life is so exciting. i’m quaking in my boots with how stimulating and arousing this existence is.