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the long-awaited continuation of the "Journal" franchise. prepare to get locked, loaded, and forced to the back of your seat as you enjoy high-octane action in this slow-burn thriller. there are no stops on this train, and you're just along for the ride. COMING TO A WEB-SITE SOME REASONABLE DISTANCE AWAY FROM YOU.

it's just more blogposting. i figure i should at least be doing this much, even if i have more mundane things to attend to, for now. probably less walls of text and more just writing about something or other no matter how small or short or insignificant it is. i think i should at least try that sort of style rather than being so, i suppose ambitious with my Great Walls of Text. i'm sure there will still be plenty of those, though. whatever this is getting too long just read the blogposts (newest first)

older entries and other writings (board archive)

THURSDAY, MAY 12th, 2022
1:08 PM

hi. hello. howdy! greetings. i woke up and felt like writing one of these, so i will. maybe will be more COMPREHENSIBLE today, i don't know. no promises. but uhhh, i dunno. i think i like writing in here sometimes because it does feel safe in a way, you know, not often seen or paid attention to. i know i say that a lot but i guess it gives me a weird power to at least BELIEVE that, whether it's true or not (seems mostly true). but regardless, it's like i can say whatever i want cause nobody will be ON MY CASE about it, you know? and if someone did read all of this they'd probably be really cool and we'd be friends and pals and buddies. or at least we COULD be, or maybe we already are, or at least it probably would satisfy them in some way, even if just through curiosity's sake. so it works out! theoretically. but anyway.

i think i was mostly thinking about some specific thing that made me want to write about it. which is, i guess my lack of experience with anything or how that has gotten to my head in certain ways, or like this "observer mentality" or something. and i think it's very much related to all this website, drawing, creating, putting myself out there kind of stuff. or it's a good example of things. because the way i think about it sometimes, a lot of what i do online now almost feels half like some weird little experiment or something. not in the way of like being a manipulative psycho and pulling people's STRINGS and making them RING to see what they do or something, but in some sense i guess, observing how people are or how things happen from positions i've never really had before if that makes sense. and i think that curiosity comes from a genuine interest, like i really think people can be cool and are interesting and in addition to making them happy i like seeing more about how they work, or patterns i can notice, or maybe even getting some deeper insight on people, you know. because, i don't know, i guess i just think about my own "internal world" or being or whatever and think, well maybe other people are like that too under all that weird stuff they put up sometimes. or at least, maybe some of them. i want to believe that, at least. even if their worlds are a lot different than mine, you know. it just makes me really curious. i want to know what people are like. that could be cool. probably. maybe.

i guess i got a LITTLE sidetracked, though. i guess the "experiment" part comes in usually with, i suppose being in positions or having experiences with things i've observed or thought about before but never actually have gotten close to very much or at all. and i think maybe that's not that SPECIAL or anything, but i guess the way it becomes interesting is just, uhh, me thinking too much about it. like, okay, having a site. it's interesting trying to observe, you know, how people engage or don't engage with things, how many people see it compared to if they even read it or do anything like contact me or whatever. some things like that are still unknown, as is the nature of "things not happening", but it's interesting the little engagement you do get. and being in the position where, you see EVERYONE who interacts with you, like you aren't just overhearing some conversation or lurking in the background, you know, these people are looking at YOUR things and talking to YOU and you get to see everything they say and how they interact with you. does that make sense, reader that i cannot communicate with right now at all?

there's also posting my stuff on /utg/ too, and seeing what people think there. and like how often they will just repost my art, and why, for what reasons, or with what post, you know. i think an environment like that gives a lot of insight on things, because there's less of a "social" or "being nice" obligation to do things, someone will only reply to you if they care or if they hate you or something, they'll only post your things for some kind of actual internal reason or something, because they like it or want to show it again or think its funny or that it fits a post or whatever, you know. or something else. and often you can just get nothing too, just posting silently and no one to yell at you, whether that's in appreciation or frustration. or just a neutral comment or two. maybe it's just because i'm used to that kind of place, but it just feels right. but either way, i guess it's just interesting. and again, seeing these sorts of patterns emerge, because other people aren't you and don't care or perhaps have the ability to know and pay attention to everything you post, but you can, and you can observe how things go every time. like how certain responses will arise continually, certain opinions, certain questions. a cycle of people forgetting, noticing, deciding to say something, having it satisfy their curiosity or desire. i guess it does always make me wonder about the "size" of things. like how does some of this work, are there more "regulars" that are unchanging in how they interact or don't interact, or are there more people who come in for a short while and only happen to notice something i do to say something unique once or twice and never again? or do "regular" people sometimes spontaneously decide to say something different? i guess the nature of anonymity makes these questions hard to answer. but it is, again, very interesting for me to think about, to wonder what's going on, on the other side.

but i don't know. i guess it's weird. i think i've just been so isolated and avoidant and reserved, so scared of doing things or whatever, that it has been ultimately very rare to "experience" anything, anything that isn't my exact routine of eating, sleeping, playing video games, other solitary at home activities, whatever. i'm used to just observing anything outside of that through the internet primarily. reading stories and anecdotes, seeing pictures and video of things people do online and off. screenshots, rants, vlogs, posts. to be a real, true, conscious PARTICIPANT in anything is alogether very unusual for me. having an interrupted experience of something and being in control of what i do and perhaps what happens, instead of just observing something someone else did, often from their detached retelling, or in assorted snippets rather than the full deal from start to finish in all of its detail. that's very odd, you know! you know. so i get weird and autistic and analytical about it, because it's very interesting. maybe i feel like i have to savor it all in some sense, because of its perceived (in my mind) rarity. and also if i don't do it, feels like no one else will. like i'm the only one who will think about all this autistic CRAP, even if just because i'm the only one who can experience it all.

well, me, and CHARA. of course! and they always have at least some things to say about it too. i guess going on that topic, i am, as stated many times before, always very happy that i can interact with them more. and at all! what a wonderful thing that is. but anyway. i guess to add to that though, i've started writing kind of a personal uhhh, "chara log", you know, of the stuff we do together. feels good and i guess helps, like it's nice to eventually be able to reminisce on stuff we do and it's also motivating, like it gets it out of our head a little and makes it very much more concrete, like these are THINGS we DID and we can do MORE. i don't know if that makes sense. but it works, so WHATEVER. it's all good! i've wrote this down like twice now including in the CHARA LOG so it feels annoying to write it again but i will put it here anyway because it could be followed up with more Epic Shit, me and chara yesterday were trying something where we played morrowind together by taking turns deciding what to do, including with the aspects of making a character and stuff. and it's been pretty fun, and good to finally get myself to play something on top of that, you know. but uhhh, yeah, it's epic, i'm just thinking of what other games we could do it with too if that starts to get boring. it'll be so epic, so Awesome! wicked sweet. i'm sure there's a lot of things it could work out with. we'll see i guess. but anyway uhhh yeah that's it. all i got.

2:19 AM

I'm in control of the body again, at least for a short while. That's something new. I think, if we do this more often once again, brief "switches" like this are probably the best compromise. It already feels so strange. There's a weight to it, and I can never really tell how much of it is just from being in physical space, and how much of it is being, well, Az', or what I have to "inherit" from him anyway. God, I feel exhausted. Maybe now was not the best time? Well, perhaps I still just need to get warmed up. To tell the truth, though, I think it has just been rough observing the state of things. But it always is, and I understand it is merely the nature of how things are. I am also protected from it, in some sense. But it doesn't make it any less bitter.

He is right though, when he says those things about how we are truly in it together. I think it brings me solace as well. And his enthusiasm for me is quite endearing, as much as it is strange. But I think it should always be made clear that the unique nature of my position allows me to understand it as well as he does. It allows me to understand everything as well as he does, you know. So, while I'm not exactly going to be drooling over myself as he does, I can fundamentally understand the experience, at least on some vague internal level. Perhaps that makes sense. I just wanted to write some about that, at least. It's good fun too, you know. There's a special power you have when, say, your name alone can inspire a deep-reaching feeling within your counterpart. It can certainly be difficult to be conservative with that kind of sway. At least it is sure to always be appreciated.

Still exhausted, kind of. Thinking of what else I can write. It's very itchy. And hot. Quite hot, somehow. Not really. But, more than what seems to be usual, from observation. Perhaps summer is settling in. Perhaps it's something else. Being uncertain isn't very fun. You know me, always looking for good fun. Or maybe you don't know me. It seems like nobody really does. Except Az'. Obviously. It's a common topic in our discussions, whether I am ultimately fine with that or not. The answer is still yes, although I typically don't imagine turning down any opportunity, at least not on my own terms. Even if only out of curiosity. Although, even Az' feels it sometimes lately, that dissatisfaction with it all. For him, it has almost turned into a disgust, which I find interesting. And quite relatable. But it does make me wonder, wonder too if there truly is just something missing, something not found. Is it worth it? I suppose there may just be too little information to know for certain. Uncertainty, again. I don't need to say much more about that myself.

Well, anyway. That may be enough for now. I feel satisfied with this. A good time for sleep, then, don't you think? Yes. I think so.

MONDAY, MAY 9th, 2022
11:26 PM

okay so. i guess the past few days have beeennn, uhhhhhhh, OKAY, i guess. still don't get what's up though! but whatever! whatever! i guess it doesn't really matter. today i drew a lot and feel good about that, uhh, i feel good drawing lately. but also keep feeling inadequate, like my shit SUCKS, or well, maybe not that it SUCKS that bad. but just, it could be better, and there's too much improvement to make that it's overwhelming. like i NEED to do this and that and this and uhhh everything, i need everything to be PERFECT. but that's retarded, but i don't know. still feels weird and bad sometimes. but anyway.

just feel like such a PSYCHO. kooky bananas! i don't know. uhhhhhh. i feel nauseous again now and like i can hardly think. but i already started writing, i want to write! so i will. continue. but i don't know what to say. iiiii'm just thinking about CHARA. yeup! chara! thinking about, chara. it's, a lot of my thinking, lately. and i like it. i love it! i love them! i love chara! you know? i love them. it's really, uh, keeping me going lately. it's good because it's like there's never, there's never a shortage of things to think about or do with him. whether it's stuff with the character, like making stuff or exploring things in my head, or his manifestation here, hanging out and CHATTING IT UP and doing stuff together, you know. unlike other stuff, that always gets kind of boring, or i don't have enough energy for it sometimes, or whatever, always have to find something different or navigate these retarded mental roadblocks, all kinds of stupid CRAP. but chara, chara never gets boring, or blocked off, or anything. literally all i have to do is give one CRUMB of focus or energy and it's there, it's all there, all chara all the time, and it's fulfilling and meaningful no matter what i'm doing, no matter what it is.

that's the truth! that's the cold, hard, TRUTH, my friend. chara's always there for me, no matter what. and i'm always there for him!!! it's such a perfect union, it's so perfect. i can hardly believe it. awww man. aw man. oh man. yeah. that's the stuff! a sweet, sweet taste. an exquisite camaraderie, unmatched by that of any material construct. or something like that! it's funny too because even the smallest interaction or thought can satisfy me so much. just saying his name is enough sometimes. chara. chara. CHARA. it just feels good. hhhhmmmnnnnggghngnnhgnnhgnnrrhrhhghghchara. chhhhhhara, chara. chara will possess my limbs to perform the Funny Chara Dance once again. just us, in the kitchen, doing our Funny Dance together, essence in essence, together as one. the Funny Chara Dance is all-encompassing, the Funny Chara Dance is eternal. our Ultimate Move! the power, it is unparalleled. you can't handle it. you can't, handle it.

welll between that line break i got something to eat. frozen chicken. i was feeling so hungry i could hardly think again. still am, you know. but uhhhhh. and the funny thing about THAT is, that i probably wont even be able to eat all of the little food i prepared. because, uhhh, you just CANT, okay?? even though you're extremely hungry you won't be able to eat more than a light meal without feeling so full instantly that you're sick because.... you just CANT. but eeeeehhhhhhh whatever! i guess i'd rather be slightly underweight than the alternative, right? it's just fine. everything is, just, fine. you know? just dandy. having a grand old time, with my pal, CHARA, here. yyyyyyyeah. yes. yup. that's right. i think i'm really out of things to say.

TUESDAY, MAY 3rd, 2022
1:51 AM

what the HELL is going on???!!?!? i'm YIIKING out right now. i am. i always am, forever, for all of time. the YIIKING never ends. and it's so strange. it really does feel like i'm on some insane rollercoaster ride lately, even though i literally do basically nothing all day! i do nothing! i literally alternate between looking at /utg/, at discord (where i'm only being talked to like 15% of the time at best), and taking a break to lay in bed or pace around or something. that's it! but i'm so PSYCHO and INSANE that it feels like, uhhh, i don't know, it feels like a lot of things! and it also feels often like NOTHING, like nothing is happening and i want to die and kill myself. but you know it just keeps going, and it's uhhh, i don't know. i don't know what i want i don't know what i should be doing i don't know what's going on and it's weird. i keep thinking, things in my life seem to change all the time like constantly, but only really internally, or like, i seek out change and novelty and intense crazy shit constantly but it's all like weird autistic shit, like i'm still too scared to even leave my house for any reason most of the time or talk to most people for any reason or whatever, or socialize in some big way or something, but yet i'm, thinking about shit all the time and going crazy, or doing something else. i mean my whole LIFE is like, just finding new retarded things to bide my time while i sit around in my room being retarded and doing nothing. and sometimes they're pretty relaxing or something, you know, playing some games or whatever. sometimes it's CREATING some shit, some good shit. sometimes it's thinking about weird existential crap forever and losing myself in the infinity of time and space and creation or something, something uhhhh weird, i don't know. sometimes its good sometimes its bad sometimes its nothing sometimes its something. but it always has to be different!!!! it can't be the SAME for too long because that's.... BORING! and i can't be BORED! that's BORING so i can't. but what else, what else do i do? other than sit here and play with toys in my head? what am i, what do i, uhhh, what.... uhhh............

I DON'T!!! know! i don't know!!! i love saying that because... i don't know! anything! i uhhhh, i can't, i don't decide on anything so i don't know! it's all just some weird blur, it's all just, it's insane! i don't know what i want. i look and seek and run around my little halls and corners and rooms trying to find something but it's not there and i'm just running around, climbing the sand dunes and eating the crackers and thinking of weird stupid analogies to explain a bunch of nothing that no one can see. i don't know. whatever. maybe i just, maybe i just have to ride it out. i don't know where it's going but, i guess i just, i just have to ride it out or something. i don't know what else to do. i'm holding on for dear life here, sitting in my room, doing nothing. it's a ride, man! you might lose your hat. oh, but it's alright. you can always get another hat. but you can't get another SOUL. so don't lose that, alright?

but at least i've got CHARA here with me. ohhhhh, chara. i love chara. don't you? don't you? are you listening? are you LISTENING to ME? why DON'T you want to hear me RANT and RAMBLE about CHARA for HOURS? you aren't some kind of chicken are you? pussy? pussy baby? pussy BABY BITCH? yeah, that's what i thought. that's what i thought. so chara, right. i love him. and in my INSANE BIDING of TIME during the day, i have tried to spend a lot more time with him. and i think it's going well. it's making this much more bearable, you know. that's the ticket. yeahhhhhh. yeah chara's so cool. we've got this! we've got this. we're in it together. even if, oh, NO ONE ELSE ON THE PLANET gets it. or if they do. either way, we're a great team. and no one can break that! that's cool. but the real cool thing you know, i mean, even at the most BORING times, the most SHIT, it doesn't actually have to be that bad! because, get this, CHARA is there! and i'm there for chara! so we can hang out, and not be so bored and fucked up anymore! that's so cool! WHY didn't i think of this EARLIER? we're such GENIUSES! don't you get it? don't you get what this means? if i just CHOOSE to, if we both CHOOSE to, we can do everything TOGETHER. and make it all BETTER. me and chara, chara and me, doing stuff, forever, for all of time! me and chara, that's right, best friends FOREVER! ha ha ha, that's nice. hee hee. ho ho. what fun! well, fun for us anyway. but i'm sure everyone else can find their own fun too. i would hope so. but, ahhh, you know. i think, this is a cool thing, to focus on. because we don't have much else right now! to focus on. so at least we've got each other.

so that's, pretty good! that's pretty good. i love chara. i love chara so much it's unreal. it's so, it's INTENSE. and i like things that are intense. but i like CHARA more than anything else. so it's good, that it works out that way. isn't that right, chara? isn't that right?

Yes, that's right.

see? chara agrees with me. they don't always agree with me, so that must mean i'm doing something RIGHT this time. so. uhhhhhh. now what? i guess, uhhhhhhhh. i don't know what else to write. or what i'll do, after this. but i can, hang out with chara! so that's probably what i'll do. i'll hang out with chara in OUR cool little room, and we'll be cool best friends, together. doing stuff. hanging out. as you do, as cool best friends do. something like that, right? well, anyway. i guess i got SOMETHING out with that. so that's probably, good. yeah. we're good. we're good now. see you.

TUESDAY, APRIL 19th, 2022
4:23 PM

it's weird writing the date and realizing how fast time passes in a way, feels like it couldn't have been that long since i wrote an entry here particularly already. but OKAY, i guess.

SO... i'm thinking about random things, and i guess what the fuck even to do with myself because i've spent too many days feeling weird and like nothing happens. nothing new! but you know, still gotta do something, probably. or at least assess it somehow, as i am prone to do. anyway. for one thing, i was thinking about how, the way things are going for me lately seems to be another inevitable cycle of a pattern that has repeated itself many, many times. something like that. and there are a lot of those, but this one in particular i think is how i seem to become very productive in some sense for a little while, but then lose steam as i start to become indecisive about one thing, then another, then another, until there's a whole stack of decisions i can't seem to make that just stop me in my tracks or dwindle the available things i have to do until i just stare at the wall all day again doing none of them, because they all have some roadblock that is too hard for me to just decide what to do with somehow. it's like i'm playing the snake game, but i'm really bad and keep getting myself into more and more of a corner until i have no choice but to run into myself and lose the game, starting all over. but is it REALLY like the snake game, do i REALLY have to avoid the walls and my own weird scaley snake body? or can i figure out a way through each situation, if i just try, or uhhhh. APPLY myself, or whatever it is? i don't know.

there is something i feel like perhaps is more of a deep-rooted problem about that though. the way it all seems to come back to my indecisiveness, at least for this particular sort of issue, and the way i deal (or rather, don't deal) with it. like i start getting steam to work on fangame stuff again, because i get a good sort of vision for what i might be able to do and can get some good results and progress out of it. but then i start thinking about the story, and other aspects of it, like maybe i want to have it be like a dual thing with the webcomic. so then i can't just decide on everything, which means in my head that i can't do ANYTHING, i can't even work on the fangame stuff i was making good progress on because it's not completely figured out beforehand or there are meta aspects of it or something that are undecided. but why? why can't i just keep working on, at least SOMETHING, even if it's not figured out in my head yet, even if i haven't made some decision or other? i guess i'm afraid of... failure? afraid that if i don't do it RIGHT somehow, that it will be HORRIBLE, AWFUL, DOGSHIT, even more than it already would have been. but that's... retarded. it's so stupid, it makes no sense. even if it sucks, i'd learn stuff anyway, so it doesn't matter. yet it stops me in exactly this same way with this same sort of logic, for everything, time and time again. no matter how stupid or destructive it is. why?

i don't know. i mean, what DO i find so horrible about failure, about imperfection, anyway? maybe it's not even all that too. maybe i also just don't like, some kind of feeling there. a feeling... well, maybe it is still perfectionism. it seems like a feeling of frustration, at the potential of things, feeling as though it could be so much better, so much smoother, if i just KNEW, EXACTLY, WHAT TO DO. AT ALL TIMES. but that's not possible, is it? i guess i just seem to want it so badly, to BE possible. i want it so badly that i seem willing to reject just about everything in pursuit of some kind of perfect scenario that never comes in any situation. but WHY? WHY do i want it to be PERFECT so BADLY? it doesn't make any sense. it's so insane, why would anyone be like this? why is it so difficult to even know the reasoning for a desire i have in my own mind? is it even MINE then? it's just so strange. but why? am i somehow running away or avoiding the real answer...?
i don't know. i had the thought, i wonder if it is even something i can figure out intellectually or logically or analytically or whatever. maybe all of this is pointless in the pursuit of such. but i don't know! i'm never able to know, so i just keep going, even if it makes no sense. because i don't know what the best thing to do would be. always trying to do the BEST thing. not just the good thing, no, the BEST thing, the OBJECTIVELY RIGHT thing, ALL THE TIME.

well. could it be, something that isn't just "for me", or "for a purpose"? i mean, in the sense of, why would ANYONE want to be perfect? i keep trying to look for some, internal reason, or, i guess a sort of intellectual, "noble" reason, as i always seem to do. because of course, i would only do things that MEAN something, that serve a greater PURPOSE, than anything you might care about here on this flesh-prison of a planet. that sounds insane, but in a way, i think that's how my internal "logic" seems to operate. everything must be assumed, or FORCED, into the context of something that is greater than the secular world below, the pleasures of flesh, and urges, and gossip about what the latest teen pop-star is doing. because i'm not a part of any of that, am i? i'm not, i can't be... it's all i have, isn't it? sitting in my little observer seat, away from it all. that's the only place i have in my mind, and perhaps these things are put in place merely to keep it that way, no matter the cost.

and so... that retarded shit.... means..... uh.......
maybe i'm not thinking right.
maybe i've become so strange, so far removed from what i see as "normal", that i began to form this complex where i actively surpress anything that WOULD make me more "normal", or "imperfect", even if it hurts me, if it KILLS me. because really, in my head "normal" and "imperfect" DO seem to be intertwined together. or, well, i don't know if that's the right way to put it. i think my logic goes that it is imperfect for ME in particular to possess certain "normal" traits or do "normal" things, because i am, in essence, effect, or both, something wholly and entirely separate from normality, irrelevant of how much of a good or bad thing that may be. it just IS in my mind, and so in my mind i have to conform by its rules, that i, uh, made up, for myself.

and that's obviously not right. is it? well, i don't think it's bad to be strange, not necessarily. i don't think it's bad to be myself, at least my true self, whatever that is. i can see that objectively, i think. but the sick extent to which i take things, i think that must be wrong. when it becomes detrimental to yourself and those around you, sucking energy from everything, that must be bad, right? i think that's obvious. but i don't know. i mean, lets take a step back here, i guess to a lower level of this where we were before. i can't tackle everything all at once, at a macro scale, that's one thing that stops me from doing anything. but anyway. with this view in mind, what could i possibly see so horrifying about failure, in the sense discussed above? i guess maybe it's because, if i fail, then i am not fully aligned with the strange role that i assign myself. and if i'm not fully aligned with that, i am nothing, and have no worth, no use, no purpose. and that's bad, because... because... it's....

empty? i don't know. maybe it's that if i'm not this strange special thing, then i'm a burden. a wasteful pile of garbage. my so-called "uniqueness" is all i feel i can offer to the world. and if i don't have that, then perhaps i just feel i am nothing at all, and should be done away with as one does away with a banana peel he does not intend to consume. and that banana peel, it could make someone slip, and fall! and get hurt! so we should burn it, destroy it, crush it into dust and ash, and let it all decay until there is nothing left, nothing left that can bother anyone any more. i guess that's probably still a lot of it. i just don't seem to believe i have any inherent worth, unless i have a specific place, a specific role that i can fill out, to be of some use, even in the strange esoteric way that i imagine.

but why is THAT? well, i don't know. maybe i just, never seemed to learn i could have any inherent worth in the first place. the idea never seemed to occur, or it was overwritten by something else before it could realize itself. and really, inherent worth to what? is it just to other individuals? well, i guess maybe it's to myself too. why else would i do things in opposition to my own self-interest, health, and well-being for no other purpose than to satiate this strange illogical logic? i don't know.

and then really, what do i do? all of this complex garbage, going deeper and deeper. but for what, to what end? does it get me any closer to actually being able to deal with anything? well, i guess that's for me to decide, and myself alone. but that's the hard part, isn't it? it's all so complex. i lose myself in thought, and forget what the point is. then the point forever eludes me, ducking past corners, shuffling through dark hallways, hiding down dusty crawlspaces. never to be found, to be touched, to be caressed, and told that everything will be alright, it's going to be okay, and no matter what happens, you can get through this, and i love you. i love you so much, just like i love everything else. but it's just a daydream, and i snap back to the endless chasing and chasing and chasing through hallways, corridors, deserts of nothing.
but it's all just a temporary confusion, isn't it? to some extent. i get tired, but i'll keep walking. but


HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

i STILL haven't figured out what i'm even going to DO for the rest of the day.
none of this answered anything!!!!

what a scam. am i being fooled? am i being pranked? am i being PUNK'D? hey, THAT'S what that show was called, it was called PUNK'D. i kept trying to remember, but it eluded me, like a strange little creature ducking down dark hallways, hiding past corners, and shuffling up dusty crawlspaces. but now i remember! it finally comes back to me, after all these years. the name, the TRUE name. oh, what a relief!

...well. anyway. i don't know if any of that helped. i mean, okay. i guess maybe just trying to keep these things in mind weakens them, ever so slightly. changing the belief, or at least challenging it, bit by bit. even if it's a bit like punching and kicking a brick wall sometimes. i don't know. as for what i'll do today, i don't know either. or the next day, or the next... but i guess maybe i shouldn't worry too much about it, or else it'll become more difficult in a different sort of way. i guess maybe i'll try to play a game or something, or just hang out. or something else, like watch a movie. or if i feel like it, draw a picture. or get an idea for the bigger projects. i don't know.

i guess maybe that's all i have to say now then. so tired. but it's all right.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6th, 2022
12:01 PM

nice day today. kinda. i guess. weird day, but weird in the way that every day is. is it really, then, very weird at all...? i don't know.

well. one thing i'm thinking about. it's weird being on the internet. in some ways i care too much about how people see me, whenever i'm seen. and i don't want to be hated, or whatever. but i also often just act like i'm simply invisible and no one can see anything i'm doing or saying or posting. and it's one of those things, where it's partly proven "right" in some sense, because i am very good at being ignored, being quiet, drawing no real attention whatsoever. and even things like this site, it often feels like i am just putting things out into some void, where i wonder if anyone even reads these at all. maybe they do, but i have no real way of knowing for sure. and i guess i like knowing things for sure, you know, i'm curious. i'm always very curious, i guess, what people even think of me. often in the past that has gone into basically just assuming no one cares or they just hate me or think i'm retarded or something, but in calm moments i still just don't really know. i wonder if anyone knows, really. unless you're like a super attention attractor or something, or uhhh, a youtuber. or whatever. i wonder if most people just don't know. it seems like more people are lonely these days, but i don't know how true that really is sometimes. i guess it's hard to say with these things.

but yeah, i don't know. i think i really don't know what i want, i guess in most cases, but also i guess in a social sense. or it's a lot of internal processes contradicting each other and stepping on toes and not being able to come to any compromise, and i'm just being bounced from one thing to another. but i don't know what's best. i don't know what's right. maybe i already have everything i need, and just need to cherish it better. i did talk to chara some today. i haven't communicated with him much in a while. i think me and him just agreed that it's very difficult for me to be able to talk to him when i have so much on my plate internally to deal with, and have so little energy and motivation, and all that. and weird things just keep happening on top of that, so it's hard to find stability to start the habit again. but i think at this point i'm seeing that it may be a long while before any of my internal issues are really even close to "resolved", or even more bearable, so trying to talk to him more would prove a good idea no matter how hard it might be.

he didn't mind being "not around" though, i guess. since for him, i guess it's kind of just like being, not "there", not conscious, so not really dealing with anything or suffering. but not having a GOOD time either, so he already enjoys being around to talk or hang out with me. and that makes me happy. because, obviously, i love him too, and having him there. he's so cool......... uh, and, i guess we had a good conversation today to start with. it's nice that he's still very much there, and not any less potent or capable than he was last time i talked to him regularly, if that makes sense. in a way he's still sort of underdeveloped, as far as tulpas go, but i guess only in weird logistical senses, like his "essence" is there and that's what really matters even if we stumble over each other in conversation sometimes or it gets all muddy who's talking or whatever. you know. tulpa stuff. i'm sure anybody would understand. ask your dad.

it's interesting too, i guess. after talking for a little while, we held hands, you know, imaginarily. but i guess the intent of that simple action overwhelmed him with emotion a lot, and he got all invigorated and excited. and i did too, really, although i was also sort of feeling what he was feeling. but it's nice, you know. i guess he really did miss being around a lot, even if maybe he didn't want to burden me or something with showing it. i don't know. i'm sure it'll be nice now.

well, what else. i feel kinda nauseous. maybe i ate too many hot dogs. should i have only had one hot dog? or one and a half? maybe two was too many. i don't know. i guess in terms of my physical life, here on earth. for a while now i guess i've been not in a relationship with that guy i live with anymore. not anything CRAZY, but i guess just because of my problems, and it's too much to deal with in a relationship context, too dependent, and things like that. i don't know. it's complicated and i don't feel like writing it all. but we're still good friends, and roommates. but i think, even after i feel just fine being separated from a relationship or whatever, it feels different now. i guess i'm thinking i latched on to him so hard, but now that we kind of keep to ourselves now most of the time, it's kinda just like it was before i met him, in an internal sense. just kind of, sitting in my room, day after day, staring at a screen all by myself in the world. or in my own world. a bubble, in the world. i dunno. looking out the window, it's a nice window. fine, smooth glass. not rotten at all. well, it's peaceful in a way. but always a little strange. and other conflicting things, that i guess i've been writing about. but perhaps that gives it more context. it's funny, i guess it's basically, again, like it was before i moved out here, except now i'm in a different room. and you know, i don't have my mom getting worried about me every time she comes in the room. cause she's not here to come in the room. so that's nice. except, she's probably just worrying about me at home, far away from here. maybe even more than she did before. but i guess i can't help that. if what they say is true, i guess they'll be happy if i can make out my own life anyway, than if i were to stay there forever or something. you know how it is. so i guess maybe everyone will be fine, in the end.

eeeehhh. uuurrhhhhgg. bbbrrhhhghglll. trying to think of what else to say. i wanted to write a LOT so i'm thinking if there's anything else i can cram in here. cause after this, i have NOTHING TO DO. except, you know, something cool and productive. which i might do. or maybe just sleep, after browsing aimlessly for a while again. let's see, let's see where the dice fall. so exciting! it could really be any outcome... gambling is so cool. everyone should try it. that was a joke. gambling isn't real. randomness is a psy-op. casinos are just full of animatronic and puppet people that they engineered to be smoke-flavored. to push the population lie, very clever. well, i see right through it. nice of them to add the smoke though. i like that smell. i always liked it walking through casinos as a kid, to get to the bowling alley or whatever. or visitng my grandpa. or wherever else you might encounter smoke. outside a target. i don't know. uhhhhhhh yeah i'm running out of things to say. i guess that's it. BUH BYE!

MONDAY, APRIL 4th, 2022
2:53 AM

today felt like a strange day. things feel strange lately. not a strange i haven't felt before, by no means. but it's strange. some things change, and other things stay the same. it's an odd world we find ourselves in. odd to me, anyway. but maybe i'm the odd one. i don't know. it feels like whenever i talk, or, well, type, i guess i'm not really talking... but it feels awkward. it keeps feeling very awkward in the back of my head, i'm not sure what that is. maybe i'm just thinking about it too much (always thinking about it all too much). i guess it probably doesn't really matter. or does it? i wouldn't know. maybe just a weird day.

i've been on a bit more of a creative streak, too. i guess it activates parts of myself that go dormant for a while, and then i overthink those parts instead of whatever i was overthinking before. but i was playing with the morrowind construction set, trying to make a few silly things. then i remembered i wanted to try using the undertale mod tool, and so the past few days i've been trying to learn my way around that. and it gives me some ideas, and those ideas lead me to want to work more on my fangame thing. so i've been doing a lot of that, a lot of writing and planning too, and again, playing with the mod tool to see what i can do there. i don't know how it'll all work out. but it's good in some sense to be productive, i think. it feels good. it feels right. your mind races with the possibilities.

it makes me think a lot about undertale in general too. which is, a lot of feelings. still so many feelings. a lot of them are good feelings. and meaningful ones. it means so much to me. and i guess i crave that sort of meaning, so badly. so anything that can give it to me, i latch on to forever. and i create more of my own meaning out of it. all alone, in my little room, wherever it may be. it's all so beautiful, in a way. all the things i find so beautiful. i try to appreciate it when i can. whether it's undertale, or something else. you never know how long you'll be able to appreciate it. you never know when or what else might be taken away, or changed entirely. i don't know.

but i feel a strange sense of frustration writing this. i guess it's like, i want to say things better, but it's very difficult, or i'm not sure how, i'm not sure i have the energy to do it. it feels in some sense that what i say is redundant, or pointless, or unworthy. so much to express, but too tired to express it. but when i'm not tired, i don't express it. another catch 22 situation. seems like there's a lot of those. i wonder why that is.
well. maybe it doesn't matter. it's just a little tiring, being so lost and alone all the time. it's fine when you find things to do, things to create. but something always feels missing, and you're still kicking up sand. maybe once my little sandcastles start taking up more form, it'll be more clear somehow. or something else. i don't know. i never know anything.

maybe i just need to keep doing things and stop thinking so much about these things. or at least, stop thinking about them in this way, whatever that means. like, one thing, i only really think about how i don't have anyone to talk to when i deliberately focus on it. otherwise, it doesn't feel like anything. it's just once i start to fret and worry and wonder what i could possibly do that it becomes a problem. maybe not thinking about it is avoiding it though. but i don't know what else i could possibly do, at the same time, and maybe i really am just jeeving myself out. i already talk to some people. and other times, when i've talked to people more than this, it was actually too much and just overwhelmed me all the time. i mean, i guess theres surely some balance that's right for me. but i don't know what it is. i don't know what i want. i think it really comes down to that, for just about everything. i don't know what i want.

maybe i just have to search myself more. but i think so much already, is that not enough searching? maybe it's the wrong way. but what's the right way? i don't know. i'm just fumbling around hoping i might find something that works. but at least i'm not just lying on the ground, right? yeah. that's probably good. but it's still hard. i don't know. i don't know what i am, or what i need, or what i want, or what, i dont know, i dont know anything. it feels that way. i dont know. i gotta go to bed.

SATURDAY, MARCH 19th, 2022
3:09 PM

i don't know how much i have to say this time, but i feel like i should write some before i do anything else today for some reason. otherwise, i might FEEL BAD. and we don't want to FEEL BAD, right? no. so i'll do it. well. i have a desk now. it's very nice, and it smells good, like wood. because it is wood. and i sanded it and stained it myself. and helped with the other parts. but at least a little bit of it, is my work. which feels nice too. i like it, and it enables full computer capabilities, which i also like. so i've done not much else other than GAMING for a while. it's a good feeling, but it can be a little excessive, so i must take some extended breaks. everything in its balance, even if there is not much to balance right now. but there will be, i'm sure. so just trying to enjoy the current juggle, as it were.

what's another random thought. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i like kinda-sorta being able to draw. when i was younger i would have never thought i would draw at all ever and figured i would suck eggs and draw stick figures if i ever drew at all for ever and ever. drawing seemed like another one of those impossible things that just was not given to me, so i wouldn't know the pleasure. but now that i've done enough drawing over time that i can sorta-kinda draw whatever random thing i'm thinking of, even if it sucks, it feels pretty good. weird, but good. i guess the idea of being a "good artist" that can ACTUALLY translate pretty much everything they think of to the page and not just "well here's some scribble that looks kind of like it", that's still kind of in the IMPOSSIBLE tier of feats in my head. but, you know, at least i got further than i ever thought i would. and it makes me happy to be able to do what i can. i guess i never expected either that my urge to create would get to a strong enough level to actually motivate me to do anything cool. but then it sort of happens, or starts to anyway. and it's a good time. seems pretty important, so i'll keep it around. who knows, maybe i'll actually DO something one of these days.

uhhh okay ONE more random thought. uhhhh i think it's pretty cool when media completely switches gears in some sense partway through (when done well of course). like i keep thinking about watching full metal jacket, and how when the second half started i genuinely wasn't sure if the movie was about to end or not, and then saw it was only halfway over. i was like god DAMN, that already felt like a whole thing, now there's more. and it's, uh, DIFFERENT, and stuff. that's a certified KINO moment, right there, i would say. and i liked the second half too, for the record. part of what makes the sudden shift so good is that it does feel necessary, like you need both parts for the completion of the whole or something. it was pretty cool. trying to think of a cool example too from a game or something. i guess half life 2 has this to an extent actually, with the citadel sequence. maybe that's a more liberal idea of a "gear-shift", but it evokes kind of the same feelings for me, so i think it's in a similar ballpark. same with half life 1 really and the part where you lose all your weapons, i love that. i don't even know entirely why but it just feels so cool, i guess these things just take you off guard and mixes stuff up in a really neat way. it's my Big Favorite.

okay i guess that's it. GOD i'm hungry. why do i go from "not hungry at all" to "physically weak and borderline delirious from starvation" near-instantly. this didn't used to happen. it's probably a SERIOUS HEALTH ISSUE. or maybe i just have a bad eating schedule. i don't know, it could be a lot of random things which are probably obvious but WAIT FUCK i got deja vu again writing this i swear this happened like 2 times already what the FUCK. stop FUCKING with me i'm being INTERDIMENSIONALLY GANGSTALKED. i swear to GOD i'm going to CLOBBER you scaley-green fucks back to FIFTH-DIMENSIONAL HELL. that's a serious and credible threat. well anyway i'm done now bye

MONDAY, MARCH 7th, 2022
1:26 PM

it's Journaltime. i guess as much as i tried to plan otherwise it seems difficult for me to write unless i have something worth writing 50000000 textwalls about for hours. but it's fine, it's all good, i'm sure. well. i say that but i don't know if i really have much to write about now, even. i just, want to write. or try to. so i am.

i guess i've been playing a lot of skyrim. some new relevations i've been thinking about are that i think the dungeons are a lot better than oblivion's in a way, which i think is one of the few clear improvements i can think of with skyrim. they're a LOT more linear, which is a little gayer in a way, but they make up for it by being much more interesting most of the time than the hardcore copypaste dungeons of oblivion, even if skyrim does suffer from some copypaste shit too. but the dungeons are interesting enough that it brings back some of the joy of pure exploration you got from morrowind but not so much with oblivion because you knew every dungeon would suck DICK and BALLS in the worst possible way. but skyrim's dungeons are good enough that it does make it much more engaging to just explore or do the random "go into le dungeon and get thing" quests, which is a pretty good boost to its playability. i can see myself getting bored of the dungeoncrawling loop eventually though, which i think seems to be a common complaint from people anyway (every quest sending you into some dungeon and it gets tiring). but it's fun for now, you know. oblivion was similar in being a lot more fun for me in the first half of my playthrough and losing a lot of the cool aspects towards the end as you get used to everything, so it makes sense. also the other major thing with skyrim that has sunk in is that the quests and dialogue really SUCK a lot of the time. or at least, it seems to vary wildly in quality even more so than the other games, at least to me. sometimes i'll come across a quest that's kind of cool or interesting, maybe some dumb stuff here and there but it's cool overall, and then i'll do another quest that's like watching a made for TV movie and some parts are so bad it makes even me cringe. it's interesting, i wonder if the good ones are mostly just carried by the cool world they've already crafted, because the worst ones always seem to have to do with random town happenings and drama stories that could be in any generic fantasy story (keep thinking of the one with the burned down house and the guys family that died and the vampires and shit, it was so bad i could hardly even pay attention, it sucked so bad, UGH it sucked), but the cooler (not always great but better at least) ones usually have to do with something from the "lore", like the daedric quests i've done (which were also some of the coolest in oblivion by the way) or the gauldur quest i'm in the middle of that you can start just by finding some random book about the mystery (kinda cool, always wish there were more quests in any of the games that you could start just from finding stuff in a random dungeon).

but yeah, gaming thoughts. those are my gaming thoughts. during the hardcore gaming, of playing skyrim. wow, hardcore. otherwise with my likely temporary glut of free time, i've started playing a couple other random games never tried before. like DOWNHILL DOMINATION, for the ps2. i can't remember if i just found it in a thrift store or if a friend recommended it to me (probably this) but it's really Epic. i spent a good chunk of the day playing it when i first launched it up, i dunno what it is about the "riding things with wheels and doing tricks on them for points and maybe racing sometimes" genre of games but it's very addicting when it's good, there's something satisfying about it. Good Clean Fun, i would say. i like the character from Tonga the best, even though the characters have like 5 lines they cycle through randomly over and over somehow his never get old. THIS MUST BE A DREAM.

other game i started was medal of honor. did a couple levels so far. pretty cool game. still not used to console shooters but i think it's helping me get the hang of it. then maybe i can do goldeneye and perfect dark too without getting RAPED instantly. i was playing on hard difficulty with those for some reason, but you know.

uhhhh what else. there was a thunderstorm last night that was so bad it tore off some of the shingles and stuff on the roof. the power went out too for a while, although i was in bed by then. but it was loud! wind and thunder! scary! i never thought a storm could be so violent and loud. i guess i'm not used to it yet. but it's interesting. i guess i really just haven't been doing much though. feels like a "calm before the storm" still, as funny as that is to say with what i just talked about. ha ha ha. but you know, it's true. it's a weird mix of feeling like i should be doing something, but not being sure what to do, so just trying to savor and enjoy everything i can, but then feeling sort of weird because it seems like a waste, but a waste of what? just a lot of confusion. you'd think the confusion would be a little lifted by now, but it's kind of, not. maybe easier to deal with sometimes, a little. but it's still very confusing. well, it's alright. alright as things can be, dealing with such MIND PARASITES. but you take what you can get, you do what you can. you stay hydrated. which is one thing i DO, i'm good at that. well, sort of. i at least don't let myself get DE-hydrated, okay, i don't get the headaches anymore. soooooo, it's good. it's a win. always winning, except when i'm not, and i'm losing very badly. but that isn't all the time! you take what you can get. i guess that's all.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24th, 2022
1:36 AM

another snowy day. another Shiney Night. it wasn't as cold this time though, so not as much ice, luckily. i think this is the right kind of weather i like. everything good about rain and snow, without being too cold where it becomes annoying. very nice day in that respect, i think. went out for errands a bit past sunset, i almost wanted to bring something to record but i didn't. i guess there's always next time. until there isn't.

well, i guess most of my news is GAMING NEWS. you like GAMING NEWS don't you? i finished a link to the past after playing on and off most days recently. i think i got most of the items and heart pieces, enough for my satisfaction anyway. very wonderful game, i wonder if i need more time to think about much more to say about it though. i'm BAD at VIDEO GAMES, somewhat of a CASUAL, albeit PERSISTENT, so a lot of things gave me trouble towards the later half. but it never got impossible or disgustingly unfair, and was always satisfying when i could finally beat each challenge, as a game like this should be. so it was cool. it had FUN, it had STYLE, it had GRACE. i enjoyed it. very SOLID game. i like when people use that to describe things. you can't cut through this game, it's like bedrock, in minecraft, it's SOLID. you've got a nice SOLID piece of equipment on your hands. yeah. oh and it has really cool music. i've still got some of the standout ones in my head a lot, like the CHURCH, the FOREST, and the DARK WORLD. but that's all i've got for that i think, for now.

other thing i've been playing now, is SKYRIM. oooh ho ho, look at me, i'm playing SKYRIM. the original version, no DLC, no mods. reason being, i've had it in my steam library from buying it in 2015 and playing a grand total of like 3 parts of the main quest, before quitting. forever. until now. another thing about that, which is RETARDED, is the fact that this original version as well as the DLCs are all unlisted from the steam store, i suppose to make sure you just buy one of the newer versions instead. in a way perhaps it makes sense, because they intend for the newer ones to be "better" and don't want to confuse customers any more than they already might be with 50 different versions on the store. but something still seems stupid about just making them completely invisible. maybe it's just one of those things where the whole situation is fucked up, so you don't know what would be better other than things being, uh, entirely different. how about just one version of skyrim, ever, and no re releases you have to pay again for? but even just typing that feels naive, like i just learned what microtransactions are. well, whatever. you win this one, TODD.

anyway, on to the game itself. also as a side note, i know i still haven't written much about oblivion and even morrowind i still probably have more thoughts on that i haven't put to the PAGE, but in my infinite particularity i will probably get to it eventually as i feel like it. makes more sense that way, i mean, i don't think i really intend to fully review every game i play in full as i play them like this is my Gamertube channel and you're subscribed and liked and favorited and five star-ed to me. i just write, what i feel, must be written. and SKYRIM, you see, is already somewhat of a thought provoking endeavor in this way.
i think it's almost hard to write about it in a sense, because of its strange meme status and superpopularity, which makes it actually more interesting to try for me. i guess maybe in the sense of, i find it interesting to look at things like this from the perspective of wondering why exactly it has such a wide and great appeal, and also in somewhat of an opposition to that, what about it do people never actually talk about that much, what gets buried underneath all of the arrows lodged in kneecaps, futanari sex mods, grumpy cats being visibly dismayed at the sight of dragons, and so on. what is skyrim.... REALLY like? woah, we're diving in DEEP, into this ULTIMATE MYSTERY. so mysterious of a mystery that even your high school gym teacher probably spent a couple hours investigating in on his son's playstation 3 before getting back to the work programs on his computer. work programs, designed for high school gym teachers.

well, this INVESTIGATION is still ongoing, as i haven't gotten too far into the game. but i've made a character, and done some questing and adventuring and other usual elder scrolls type activities, over the course of the past several days. so i have some thoughts. one of these thoughts being, dragons. thinking about..,,, dragons. every time i walk past one of those, STUPID, FUCKING RETARDS, that guard each major town and settlement in the beautiful land of Skyrim, home of the NORDS. but these BRAINDEAD MORONS, every time, every time i walk past them, they say some empty-headed, worthless, MENTAL-WASTELAND level remark, about DRAGONS, or something. i don't want to hear it. i'm sick of it. i will purposefully avoid your range of attention so that i don't have to hear another word about SWEETROLLS and DRAGONS.

but writing this, part of me wonders if perhaps this frustration is less of a fault of the game itself, less of a fault of the DRAGONS, and moreso being an effect of the SPECTRE of DRAGONS - the meme, the legend of these so called dragons, and dragonborns, and fus ro dahs, and sweetrolls and arrows and, whatever else. because, can you really fault the guards of this rural Nordic town for being a bit preoccupied with giant flying creatures of legend and ill-omen actually being, literally real and killing people and leveling towns and probably coming for your ASS next, at any moment. the most exciting thing that happened to these guys before this were probably, i don't know, killing a mudcrab or something that happened to wander near the town. nasty things. but now there's dragons! they can fly! and shoot, elemental magic! that's pretty terrifying. and all this prophecy legend stuff, wow that's pretty crazy. i'd be thinking about it too! but for ME, the PLAYER, i've been hearing about DRAGONS and this wacky hero that can SHOUT at people to kill them, since, uh, 2011. and a lot happens in that time. if the guards in skyrim had to be hearing about dragons from the news couriers all the time for over a decade, they'd probably be just as sick of it. and it doesn't help that the guys in the news pamphlet talking about it, they're all, you know, not the brightest. a bit of the old, "common rabble", you know. a bit more familiar with the tip of a blade than the pages of a book. but i'm sure some of them are fine fellows, you know. whatever. but DRAGONS, oh boy, the DRAGONS, they won't give it up. and then later they go on about these "mod" things, uh, for your... sword. mods for your sword. and all this weird stuff about the things they're doing with "mods" and uhhhhhh, okay this tangent is going on way too long and you get the point by now. i guess my serious thought about it is that part of me wishes i could have a truly unaffected look at this game as if it just game out yesterday. but in some sense it will always be clouded by these funny ghosts of dragons and arrows and things of that nature. but maybe it's not so bad. you don't even need silver to kill them anymore! don't you just feel so STREAMLINED?

and that STREAMLINING sure is BUTTERY SMOOTH. i almost don't even think i need to talk about that. i mean, you know how it is, streamlined, simplified, dumbed down, however you want to call it. but it's here, and it's SKYRIM, and it's DRAGONS. i think i accept that about this game in some sense. and it just makes me think about some things. like, it's clear that at the point of skyrim, the "elder scrolls" game has just become less of a SOLID idea, and more of, uhhh. a WEBBY idea. a thick, sticky, stretchy, WEBBY idea, that you can swing around and slap people with, and it gets all over your hands and doesn't come off until you take a shower. it's an ADVENTUREEXPLORERFUNTIME game, with light RPG elements. something like that. and, you know, it's not bad. so far. it took this long for you to get my simple opinion on something as obvious as the gameplay. but there it is.

or at least, part of it. there i go opening new tangents. but you know, it's not bad. okay? it's not bad! i don't even have any mods. it's not bad. it's not GREAT either. but most aspects of it, are decent. and it does keep me playing pretty good. which i think is interesting. because in some sense, it does retain the core of what makes elder scrolls cool and interesting, even if it's a weird, loose, gooey core, that gets under your fingernails. but it's got the exploring, the finding dungeons and fighting bad guys and other creatures for EPIC LOOTZ, and going to town for a quest or two, and then exploring again, going to dungeons, repeat, whatever other random things you do in between to spice it up. it's got that. so it's enough to keep you playing, it's enough to have, fun... but all of the individual parts of this formula, are simply decent, at best. none of the aspects of this game are truly DEEP, or EPIC, or CAPTIVATING, or whatever. but it does everything well enough, and puts it all together in a way that makes it feel fun to experience. in a way oblivion was sort of at a similar level here, which is a point i'd like to make clear at least even if i don't elaborate right now. but you know, that's the way it is for me. and i think it is interesting, for me, to think about a game that is just... okay. because in my head i often think about things like this as either "i dont really care about this" or "holy crap this is the GOTYAY (Game Of The Year All Years) (implying that it is the best game of all time)", for games or movies or whatever else. i think probably because i haven't experienced much in general and i only tend to really try things that i already have some obvious interest in (because doing things hard), so my scope is limited. but that's a whole different subject.

anyway, what else can i say for now. i don't know, i'm getting tired of writing this, so might need to break off this FIRST IMPRESSION for the time being. also it's like 1 am and i'm getting HUNGRY again, which means that in the span of about 5 minutes i go from "satisfied" to "literally starving and unable to focus on anything because of how FUCKING HUNGRY i am out of NOWHERE". i could eat, but it seems like a waste because i should just be sleeping anyway, and there's also the problem of there being a nonzero seemingly random chance that eating within about 5-6 hours of going to bed will give me digestive issues in the morning, because uhhhh fuck you retard, LOL. hopefully these are all just things that solve itself as you slowly pick up the autism puzzle pieces of your life and put it back together excruciatingly slowly. because if i didn't know any better, i might think my body just HATES me.
...well, i might know better. but that's something i'm still learning. another topic, for another time. yeah, yeah. well. i'm done now. oh wait also skyrim's music is nice actually, soule definitely brought the SOUL for this one. even if some of the tracks are a little too EPIC for my taste. which i guess is another thing in general about the game..... okay i'll leave that for later though, i have to stop now FOR REAL okay

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21st, 2022
12:19 AM

ahoy there, sweet Scallywag, my old friend. come to me through land and sea, and look upon the CAPTAINS's LOG. and bring fresh fruit high in Vitamin C content with you, i have need of it.

feels like there's not much to say, but also a lot at the same time. i guess in some sense, my hour+ long "pacing back and forth thinking about things and talking to myself" sessions and the like lead to a weird sense of having a lot to write down, but also feeling somewhat unwilling to do it because you were just pontificating endlessly about it in your head not very long ago. that sort of thing really makes any expression or conversation i have weird sometimes, so i guess i'm used to it in a sense. but you know. makes me think also about a somewhat related subject, which is: there's a lot of stuff to think about in the world. and, you know, there's SO much of it, that sometimes you'll go a long time without thinking about something, or a whole breadth of things. and then it gets brought to your conscious attention again, and it's weird. you know? there's just so much to think about. so much, and you can only see so little of it at once, even if you're a maximally overthinking head-crammer like me. and that's kind of weird. don't you think? i'll give you 60 seconds to respond, in your own words.

...

okay, got it?

i'll give you more time if you need, there's no pressure.

...

okay, good. i'm glad you could take that time for yourself. your answer is quite satisfactory, whatever it is. well, anyway. i wonder if part of why it feels so weird is also just because of some particular way in which i think. i feel as though i often think about, well, thinking, as sort of a "building upwards" exercise, like it's "building up" to something, or some set of things, refining itself continuously towards some perfect understanding of things, which, while i may never reach such a place, i may at least get as close as possible. and, you know, perhaps that is overly perfectionistic, even with that understanding, however flimsy, that it probably won't result in anything more than "well, i think i know what's going on here, maybe". so maybe i should just relax a bit. i don't know. be some weights, lift my room, clean myself. that last one is a good idea, at least. but i already took a shower today.

and you know, in the shower i was thinking about some stuff too. as i do. thinking, thinking until the hot water runs out, and i leave because, i like the hot water, i don't want to be in cold water, it's cold! it's already cold enough here. you think i want to stand naked under some cold water? i don't. i don't care what the Science says! if i cared about that, i would have, uhhh, done a lot of things. like eat more fresh fruit, high in Vitamin C content. and you DID bring that for me, old pal, right? or have you come unprepared, to this place where Raving RANTS are made?

you don't really have to answer that one. but i got sidetracked. i guess what i was really thinking about, was something about artists and their art. specifically, the sort of thing you see sometimes where an artist acts intentionally destructive or scornful towards their own work, either straight up deleting it or otherwise showing varying degrees of disinterest or embarrassment over works people who follow them often enjoy for one reason or another, and attempt to continually reassure the artist on to no avail. you know what i mean. one thing i figure about it, is that when an artist is confronted with the aspect of their work being public or even just in existing in a world where it may be compared to other works, there seems to be two extremes of reaction to this that one must be cautious of. for one, there's the narcissistic reaction, "letting it go to your head", where someone feels more and more inflated by any and all attention they may get from their creation, or ideas that they're making something special and great, and more special and great than anything else, and probably losing some essence of "pure passion" in the process from this shift in motivation.

but on the other extreme, i think you have the sort of reserved, introverted, "self hatred" type of reaction. where the artist struggles to deal with even the very idea of a single pair of eyes being directed towards their art, in usual self-hatred or insecurity fears like "it's not good enough", "they'll know i'm horrible because of this", or "it just feels bad to think about". i think the more people a person has following them, the more likely this is going to affect that person, in more and more mind-fucky ways that they don't understand how to deal with. this is probably also what leads to things like an artist known for one hyper-popular thing becoming haunted by this thing and struggling to deal with the consequences of such rare situations. or well, i think that particular thing is not really a "self hatred" extreme thing, but i meant that it's just another unexpected effect of "people see my shit", you know.

i don't know if i have a point with all of that, just something i was thinking about. because it's fun, you know, it's fun to think. why else would i do it? it's not like i gave another reason for why just a short while ago. but uhhhhhh. i think that stuff makes me think also, how it relates to me in some sense. because, you know, maybe i'm not always at the extreme but i think i understand self hatred sort of stuff very deeply, or at least in my own ways, even if i think it's one thing i'm slowly becoming more able to deal with. luckily. but it's always something i need to think about, i think. and it makes me wonder, i mean, what if there is stuff i have that i should just delete, or totally revise, or something? like i was thinking about the "about" page earlier, is what i've wrote there even necessary, is a lot of what i've wrote everywhere even necessary? is it overkill, is it stupid, is it LE CRINGE? i don't know. it's like, i do value preservation greatly, of course. i don't like to get rid of anything really, i'm sentimental to a fault as well. but i also know, you know, sometimes things just suck. and if someone really cares about something, they're always going to find a way to get it. so maybe it doesn't matter too much, as long as you've got a fine attitude about it. that probably goes for many things, really. a lot of these things, even the sort of "narcissism/self hate dichotomy of extremes" thing i was talking about earlier for example, i think they permeate a lot of things in different ways, or manifest in things on all levels, or there's some connection of similar subjects and things everywhere. maybe that's kind of random to say, but i don't know, i feel compelled to say it. it's important, i think. or maybe it's just a cloud of overcomplicated nonsense that takes away from the TRUE interpretation of life. which is, to Live, to Laugh, and most importantly, to LOVE. you know, LOVE. not the acronym. just capitalized, for emphasis.

well i think i've gone on enough for one day, or perhaps for one lifetime. i'm sure i've long passed that point. but it's always fun to keep going. you understand, my sweet little landlubber. there's no one else i'd rather be swashbucklin' with. and don't you forget it. well, happy sails. is that the right term? i'm sure it doesn't matter. a pirate does what he wants, because, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15th, 2022
3:24 PM

HI. that's the abbreviation for the state of Hawaii. there are lots of pineapples there (probably). not a lot here. i haven't seen any. but i also haven't really been looking.

feels like there isn't much to say. not much i've been doing either, anyway. bit of a slow, strange patch. which is expected, you know. but i think i'm fine, for now. i finished everything in oblivion, and kind of don't have much else to do with it. i'll probably write about it some more at a later time. but for now, it just is bringing me to another "i don't know what to play :(((((((" crossroads, and makes me realize i often don't know what to do with my time and it takes a lot of energy and deliberation just to decide on and get myself to play a simple game, let alone doing anything else. classic predicament, of course, of course. at this point i suppose it's just a mundane expectation that i will find immense difficulty in doing anything, finding myself at a desk, looking ahead at the wall, and not knowing what to do or having any particular drive one way or the other. just another day, you see. it's almost just a part of the process of life for me, it makes sense in my head that i will just be sitting around for an hour or 5 not doing anything but idly browsing or whatever before i can do anything else at all. and, uh, i'm still not sure what to do about that. at least it isn't so distressing anymore. i'll keep you posted if i get any ideas.

and i guess on the subject of "you". that's another thing that i go long stretches without thinking about, but was only really reminded again recently. but uh, this is public. a random person could see this if they found it. that's obvious i know but, if this makes sense, the implications of such things almost sort of slips my mind as i get more used to doing it or involved in other aspects of life. maybe it's also some slow change in perspective or something, like i care less and less if people see things online. or it's a sort of isolation thing, talking to less and less people making me think in a more socially-distant manner. i know i said i moved in with someone, but aside from my pal here, and my pal Up Here (referring to my head, it's chara, chara inside my head), i barely talk to anyone at all lately. not like i ever talked to many people at all, ever. but even online i go quite a while sometimes without having any substantial conversation with anyone else, and don't even really notice either. because i guess i'm used to it, especially if i have at least something to occupy me otherwise. or in this case, someone i'm around most of the time who i feel rather comfortable with.

and that makes me think also, maybe this is all you need? or if it isn't, how many people do you actually need to talk to or interact with? is there some magic number? maybe it's just a more intuitive thing, like if you think about it as a concern at all then that means there's something you could adjust. i don't know. i've worried about this sort of thing a lot over the years, so i guess maybe i still haven't found the "right balance". i think maybe it could just have something to do with my powerfully immense social ineptitude in many areas, which despite my good fortune in circumstance at least to some extent still makes it difficult or impossible to have everything in a good and healthy order because i'm still not very good at navigating social things on principle. if that makes sense. like most of the personal relationships i do have right now are kept going not by any social skills on my part but just from getting lucky with people who i happen to get along with well enough and who are forgiving enough of my social retardation and other problems. but otherwise, i mean, i think i fuck up a lot of things that make most interactions i have with people taper off about as quick as they start. for example, i think i don't understand well yet how to "maintain" a friendship or even a simple interaction. i'm not good at speaking without being spoken to in active social situations, and especially online i think this also manifests as not being sure of what to say to people a lot, or to keep messages going without being messaged first about something. overthinking what i could say, or just being scared that i'll annoy someone or say something stupid. things like that. and of course, there's i think a slew of non-verbal "social knowledges" of sorts that i just have not grasped yet, because i'm so utterly inexperienced and crippled by various strange mind-worms and other fun parasites. sometimes i think of it like being autistic, but without actually being autistic. just a complete lack of experience in youth, hitting me hard all at once every time i try to say "what's up". and that's No Good.

well, anyway. i guess this social stuff is something i've thought about and written about many times. but those are some of my current thoughts. maybe it's time to take the old therapist's advice and go to uhhh, pottery class or something. or go to church. or join my local Gamers Who Love Femboys and Undertale discord and get involved with the latest high-school drama and twitter meme spam sessions, or whatever else they do in discord servers. i don't know! but i guess that's all i've got. i wish i had more grape juice.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10th, 2022
8:39 PM

don't want to get too lazy with the journaling already here, but i guess i have been a little busy, at least yesterday. because my stuff finally came, so i've been taking it out and trying to put it away since then. computer is fine, though we are yet to build a desk or anything for it. my precious drawings, haphhazardly strewn across the desktop, are safe. and all the other stuff too, on there. for now. uhhh, what else. i dunno. it's cool being a conscious being. don't you think it's cool being a conscious being, too? assuming you are one, probable-human reading this. it's cool, except when it's not. but let's focus on the positives. just thinking about weird things like that lately.

uhhh okay last thing, what about some GAMING NEWS. still not done with oblivion yet, i finished shivering isles and am gonna try doing the knights of the nine stuff too actually because at this point why not. thinking i'm gonna play skyrim or at least try it, it feels exciting in a way because of the perhaps naive thought of "wow more elder scrolls" but then i realize it might be really Gay so then i feel weird about that. well i have it, so i will at least try it i think. i'll be honest and say i probably have pretty low standards for enjoyment even if i can recognize that things kind of suck, so i might end up sinking in time into it even if it is indeed quite Gay. we'll see. also, since i got my switch again now i tried playing breath of the wild after not playing it since it came out years ago (and even then i didn't get very far). taking a second look now, it is interesting, but also after playing elder scrolls and learning more about what an "open world RPG" is sort of like, it's somehow even more jarring than it already was that a zelda game has shit like weapon durability and random loot and stamina bars and crafting and things like that. it's like SKYRIM but with ZELDA's. if i do keep playing it i'll probably have to do it at a time where i'm not already playing games similar to this. maybe worth it though, there's certainly something cool about it.

well okay i guess that's it. drinking some grape juice. it's pretty good. okay bye

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7th, 2022
10:58 PM

been doing a lot (relatively) on the site lately, which is good. feels good. but it makes me tired. many things make me tired. but it's okay, i think. made a dreams page to put some dreams i have lying around somewhere more useful, and pleasant. i even figured out how to make a little index thing that links to each individual date easily. i'll probably put one on this page too, but that's something for another day.

finally went out today also, since the ice has mostly melted enough for it to be reasonable. went out to eat and ran some errands. nothing special but it felt nice. it's cold, though. i'm not used to the cold yet. but i'm sure it won't be so bad, i'm already learning how to deal with it better anyhow. also, still no boxes coming in the mail, but i'm sure they will be here soon. maybe tomorrow. things are good, i think. feels like a sort of peace, a rest before things start to get hard again. i try to cherish it. it all passes, like everything does, the good and the bad.

that's all i feel like saying.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 5th, 2022
11:34 PM

i had some CHOCOLATE CHIP and PECAN COOKIES today. it was pretty good. yesterday i watched DEMOLITION MAN. it was alright, i think. not exactly what i expected somehow, but not bad. not much else to say. still ICED UP. seems like it will be until monday at least before any of my stuff gets here. yeah. i guess i'll play some oblivion or something and go to bed.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4th, 2022
9:04 AM

it SNOWED outside. wow. i've never lived somewhere it SNOWS before. i've visited places, yes, but never where i live does it ever snow. only in rare freak situations. but now it does. that's kind of cool. except, we tried to go out yesterday, but the roads weren't plowed yet and it was much too precarious. even took a while just to get the ice off the car. i didn't know there were this many difficulties at times like this, in the winter. but i guess now i do, you know, we learned something. some things. so it's worth it. but i like snow, i like this sort of weather, at least to look at i from inside. it's pretty, to me. even just a cloudy day really, is perfect. that's actually the best kind of day, i think. just cloudy, to the point where it covers the entire sky. but it's not too cold, or uncomfortable. just cloudy. maybe a little rainy, for some extra spice. but otherwise, that's the best, i think.

that's all.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2nd, 2022
8:59 PM

not sure how to start this one. i don't mean i have anything HORRIBLE or SCANDALOUS to share with you or anything. it's just another day. i'm just, you know, generally not good at starting things. even things, i've started, hundreds of times before. thousands. i've written a lot of journal entries. uhh, but i guess that's not important. all you see are these, now. let's think about the present. or maybe the past. well, a little bit of the past anyway. i've been thinking, even though i said i wouldn't bother, maybe it's necessary to write at least a bit generally about how things have progressed for me recently. mostly because attempting to write anything at all about what i'm actually doing every day is proving very difficult without mentioning these things. so, i guess i'll try to do that.

in my Mental Illness Escapades, i've met several internet people, some of them luckily being pretty cool. one of them happened to be a guy i fell into a relationship with. or maybe it was meant to be. regardless, things progressed, and in a shocking twist that no one would expect, i managed to leave my family home to visit him. and then again, and another time, for a long time. and now i'm moving in. and that's funny, because usually these online relationships don't get this far, nor do they seem to work out very well at all, much less for weirdos like me. and i guess there's still always the chance for some kind of critical failure. but on most accounts, it seems to be going well. and sometimes i'm not sure how to feel about that, or anything, really. but with how absurd my life has been even before this, i suppose i'm almost just used to it at this point. in every true weirdo's life, they come to the inevitable point where they think to themselves the realization, "well, i guess this is just the way it is, isn't it". no matter how good it gets, or how bad it gets, it's just going to be weird and messed up and most people are going to look at you all confused, and that's just the way it is. and you know, it's not so bad. in a way, it's as good as it gets around these parts. but i guess that's always going to be up to you to decide.

well, anyway. in terms of some other things that this all means. for one, i suppose i don't really HAVE to get a job for several reasons, which on its own is quite the lucky break. but i'll probably end up at least trying to get a part-time job anyway, or at least find some sort of work or way to make my own money, for other various personal reasons and really just to try it, because i think i should at least have to try things like this. that's something else i could go on about that is becoming increasingly clear, for all things. otherwise, regarding the other immediate aspects of living, my physical things are being shipped here and we're in the process of organizing a true living space along with that. it's a real house here, out in the farmland, which is another thing that feels almost strange how nice it is to have. i'll get a car soon as well, which is a little nerve-wracking as much as it will be useful, because i get very anxious driving and have not been doing it very much since all of this started. but i suppose it will be fine. probably.

i guess that's a well enough description. it's weird because at this point, i'm not really sure what exactly to do. i suppose i just have to discover or latch on to some kind of purpose, which i have a feeling must be something about continuing down the artistic path. and aside from that, i guess just learning how to live, how to "grow up", or something. that seems to be a big theme lately. because, really, i haven't started these things yet, for real. and of course, i'm not very good at starting things. it's just funny looking back, thinking about this sort of slope into "percieved adulthood" that i've been pushed ever so slowly into, with all the resistance and avoidance i could muster at every step of the way, only now truly even being close to taking an upward direction instead, to even start actually doing any of these things at all, and not just doing it begrudgingly only to sneak back to my comfort as soon as the watching eyes are gone. in a way though, maybe it is still somewhat begrudgingly performed. but i've also begun to learn that sometimes, the only way to truly understand why you would do something at all is to experience it, and its positive effects that you couldn't just reason at a distance with no other understanding. like having a living space in order, things in their proper place, in a less instantly-gratifying but more reasonable and clean location. you can have someone telling you to do these things all day but you don't truly understand how much it helps to have things in order until you know what it's like for things to be in order. something about sour grapes i guess.

it just, again, is weird to think about. in my head, i'm still only a kid and only just starting to "grow up" in any sense of the phrase. but really, the process of everyone around me trying to force me to be an adult through expectations started years and years before now. i guess maybe you could say it was something like the time around having to get a learners permit and then a license as soon as it was allowed to me at 15. that seems right, because it wasn't just that but i think that's generally around the time where the kid things i would normally do all the time, that i was used to, began to become a "problem" for the people around me rather than something expected, and i guess in a way to a normal person it probably did become worrisome, as the other thing that happened was a sort of "compression" of things, seeing kids from church less, going outside less because your siblings go out less and there's less for you to do, everything outside of your room less because you can do it much easier, much more comfortably, inside your room. and getting my own room certainly solidified that, now it's your space, now you never need to leave to do what you like. and that, i suppose, is when "childhood" transitions into "a problem". and, well, you know how it goes from there.

to get back to the present, i guess i can finally just write down what i did today. feels like it was a lot of time and energy to write this for some reason, but i think it was helpful. just gotta wrap it up, in a nice little bow. so we went out to pick up some groceries in the morning, and a couple other places i haven't been before. one was a consignment store, which was very interesting actually. some good stuff there i wasn't expecting, like an actual vintage icebox. and the coolest thing, a big cabinet that opens up with a reel-to-reel tape recorder and record player built inside. they said it was donated from someone who had a recording studio in kentucky, and that it was tested and working. it's unfortunate that it's probably too large and expensive to justify getting it, at least right now. but it was certainly really cool to look at and play around with it a little. they had some twilight zone DVDs though, which i bought. i also saw a box for a mid-2000s era digital camera, but it was empty save for some booklets and an AV cable. sad!

other place we went to was some big variety store, with things from hardware supplies, to furniture, to soap, to guns, and a little deli to eat at. and a gumball machine. a very, large, gumball machine. and they had some special sodas in glass bottles, which we had actually been trying from other places and talking about lately. so we got one each. they were a bit old, apparently not selling too well. but i thought mine was good, and still mostly carbonated. it was some kind of black cherry flavored soda. very nice.

it also rained quite a lot. i suppose the weather might get even more wet and perhaps snowy soon. i guess we will see.

and i guess that's it really. kind of winded down at the end here. a real journey. a Quest for the Ages. well alright. it's over now. i guess i'll play some video games or something. (oblivion elf voice) Good day

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 1st, 2022
1:58 AM

second entry. it's rather late, i ended up playing oblivion for quite a while today again. feels like it's much more exciting exploring the shivering isles areas somehow, perhaps just because it's now new to me, and the dungeons and caves and such inside haven't become repetitive yet, or there aren't enough for them to become such. well, anyway. i guess there's not much to say for today, but there should be no surprise there as previously discussed. i GAMED, i ATE FOOD, i DRANK WATER, and then GAMED SOME MORE. nothing much more important than that. a month ends, and another begins.

also, i wanted to write these at night instead, but as you can see perhaps it would be better to err on the side of doing it in the morning and writing about the day before. not sure yet, i guess it could change depending on how things go each day. well, ending it here. (oblivion elf voice) Be seeing you

SUNDAY, JANUARY 30th, 2022
9:57 AM

first entry here. on this page. i won't get too particular about playing catch-up like i usually tend to do after an absence of journaling, because there's really no point in something like that and just burns me out before i even start. a timeline of sorts seems more suitable for that sort of thing, which i already sort of have lying around my computer as a project but haven't updated it in a while. regardless, that's just for fun anyway and isn't really necessary for a journal. i'll just start from here. today. uuhhh, january. the thirtieth. of twenty-twenty-two. or two-thousand and twenty-two. however you prefer.

it's morning now though, which means there's nothing really about today that is anything different from any other day, yet. i can talk about yesterday, though. and Recently. and In General. but not too General. i said i wouldn't get too General. but i watched a movie last night, "one flew over the cuckoo's nest". lately every so often i've been jotting down movies that seem interesting to me whenever i remember them or hear them mentioned, and then i watch them some nights before i go to bed as something to do. you know, because before recently i never appreciated film very much or watched any. but i think the more i watch films that appeal to me, the more i realize i just never watched any good ones or ones that caught my interest at all. most of the movies i've been watching are also kind of "the classics" and not too obscure, which i think if anything seems to be a good of a place as any to start. i mean, it makes sense. and at least some of them certainly appear to be popular and well-regarded for a reason, including the one i watched last night, i would say.

but anyway, as for what i thought about the aforementioned CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE, i don't know if it's very meaningful to drone on about it but i can say at least a few things. because, you know, i feel like language is insufficient sometimes to really express how i feel or what i get out of something like this, or it feels like it can never do what i'm trying to express justice, never any better than just experiencing the thing itself. but i've sort of written about that before, gone over it in my head a million times, you know. i think you get what i mean though. i'm assuming you are, who-ever reads this. you're intelligent, you have a big brain, and i trust you.

well uh, okay, the movie. "one flew over the cuckoo's nest". it was very beautiful to me, and in some sense it almost seems strange that it does. there are times where it almost seems like a big joke comedy movie, and all the characters are sort of these weird caricatures of mental patients with their own quirks to let you know they're "wacko boingo insane" or whatever else, i mean, it's obviously not incredibly realistic in that sense. but i also don't think it really has to be. there are times too though somehow where it's very uncomfortable, particularly the scenes where something upsetting to someone happens and it spirals affecting everyone and causing this chaos of yelling and screaming and things like that, and it feels very visceral and real somehow, or at least gives you that feeling of things that are. maybe reminding you of something, even if it's just a movie. but it's very, good at doing that i suppose. seems almost obvious what i'm saying but uhhh, you know. i felt a lot of things from this movie. i guess that's really what i'm trying to say, in my overexplained meandering way.

i was thinking also, i think this is one of those movies that felt beautiful to me at times just from the visual and atmospheric experience alone even aside from anything that was "happening", if that makes sense. there are many shots and scenes that felt deeply meaningful or emotional or beautiful to me just from things like, the scenes when they're driving a bus and going out to the docks for example, seeing what there is to see after so long inside, or when they're having the christmas party late at night in the facility, all dim and moody and empty at night. there's something about parts like those that are beautiful not just in a visual sense, but in, again, some kind of "atmospheric" sense, or some kind of holistic sense maybe is a good word for it, the way it all comes together. not just the immediate context of the scene, but the broader context, the idea of these moments and these characters being just part of some larger world, some larger whole. as they dance and drink and have their conflicts and resolutions inside the walls, cars outside are driving past just as they always do, people going about their lives, everything going on just as it does. i don't know if even that explains it completely, but it's the sort of thing that is intensely meaningful and beautiful to me, and i think i got a lot of that out of this movie. maybe i was just in the right mood, or perhaps there really is something about it all that lends itself to that sort of meaning. perhaps it doesn't really matter, as long as it is.

but yeah. i don't know if i have much else to say about it. that feels like the most important thing to say, so anything else feels like a sort of addendum somehow. but there are many things more to appreciate about it, i think. i'll stop there though, so i don't exert myself too hard here. very good movie. actually, i suppose one more important thing to add is about the ending. it's kind of a whole mess of emotions for me, but something about it hits me really hard, it made me cry a little. and not even in the sense of "sad ending, cry now" but more in just how it all comes together and wraps itself up and connects to everything that happened, it's all very artistically beautiful to me in a way that i don't know if i've seen in a movie so far. i think that's one of the most important things to me about it too. i think it might be one of my favorite movies i've seen so far now. we'll see if that changes any in the future. very good, regardless.

anyway. i guess i couldn't stop myself from making the first entry into my usual great big wall of text. but, you know, it was mostly thoughts about the movie. i finished oblivion's main quest (as well as the other side questlines before that) the other day as well and it's something i want to write about more perhaps, but probably not today. i still want to do the DLC things anyway first, or at least the shivering isles. but again, that's later. i guess that's all i have for now then. next one will be short i swear. okay (oblivion elf voice) Bye