thinking about the direct chara mentions on the anniversary livestreams - it does feel like a relieving form of closure. not because it really says much about chara's character, or their morality, or anything such as this (although maybe just a little)... since it's still very obvious toby wishes to respect the openness of their character, to allow for the wide breadth of interpretation that makes them so interesting. but the closure i feel from it is, i think, more about the acknowledgement itself than anything. like with the 9th anniversary letter, it's sort of these acknowledgements of their existence as a person by toby that resolves a lot of the anxieties that would tear me apart a bit in the past. whether toby even cared about them that much, or put much thought into their character, if they weren't even meant to be cared about or sympathized with, etc... but i have little to no doubts about that now. again, i think you can still see chara in a great spectrum of lights and greys and blacks and whites, people will continue to think what they will about them, or what they think and feel is right, and so will i. i don't think toby's acknowledgement of the "chara wasn't really the greatest person" line necessarily means that there wasn't still plenty to criticize about chara's behaviors and motivations, for example. but the acknowledgement itself, ribbing at asriel's conflicted feelings and all, just feels like it puts a final pin in a lot of uncertainties and heavy painful emotions i've had about all of this and especially lines like that in the past, in a way that i think even for me is difficult to describe.
and it's strange, i mean, it's a strange feeling. sometimes it feels like my passion has dulled, which feels to me a scary thing to say, but as at least some reassurance, i think a lot of that is simply just becoming more relaxed about a lot of things to do with chara, more stable. particularly with this issue of "authorial intent" let's say, it was one thing that bothered me a great deal, whether the way i felt about chara was truly "right" or not, if my ideas were contradicted by anything canon, if i really was seeing anything akin to "the truth", or just believing in a lie that made me feel better, that appealed to me personally, and so on. and, i guess that's another topic in itself that i've already thought enough about, but part of what puts me at ease with toby's more recent comments in this stream for example is the idea that it's okay, it's okay and even a wonderful thing to take gaps in stories and fill them with what feels right to you, with anything your mind can think of. it's an act of creation, maybe it even helps you understand yourself and the world a little bit more. it's something special, to be able to do that. and there's a depth to be found there, especially in characters like chara that is hard to match. understanding the truth of this, i feel put at ease.
there is the other side of this though, where i do sometimes wonder if that pain and fear being eased is actually a sort of loss, a "dulling of passion" like i mentioned, especially since sometimes i wonder if what motivated me the most to actually create things for chara was this sense of "rooting for the underdog," fighting against every idea and insinuation that they should just be forgotten, they aren't important, they aren't worth it, and so on, including or perhaps especially the idea that this sentiment may even be shared by their creator himself as well. "one guy against the world" is always exciting. and without that excitement... i don't know. i still feel at least some sense of that, since i do still feel like the particular way i see chara, in one way or another, is very very rare. and it's likely no one else will ever make the kinds of things i want to see with them. but a lot of what would get me truly fired up in the past, by now, has become a great big pile of non-issue, "been there, done that," and so on and so forth. not very interesting anymore, or just not very bothersome. i've made my peace. but maybe peace is boring...?
i don't know. at least for some of this though, peace is certainly much better than the alternative. and knowing toby is rooting for chara too, at least a little bit or in some sense, is something i'm thankful to have been able to witness, getting this far. knowing he really does respect them after all. i mean, to be honest with you, i think it was always more or less obvious. with some of his earlier comments, like about the merchandise issue, and even simply the way they are handled in game, with a certain unmistakeable weight. it's just nice being sure of it now. and maybe a little of that certainty is proof of how far i've come personally too. that's also a nice thought.
also, it just makes me happy seeing toby say their name so much. just made me real happy. i think i understated that a little in the above paragraphs, you know, it just felt really nice. it got me real excited and real pumped up. so there's that too. sorry, togore.
another note, i'm unsure of what to make of the "one person left for us to save - chara" comment by toby during asriel's battle. i guess you could take this to confirm the theory that you do "save" chara too during the battle, or chara helps you save asriel, or that regardless they're put at peace in some way by this. "saving" chara in the same vein of saving the other lost souls, who then in turn helps you save asriel? maybe he feels similar to me in that it's a very nice idea, even though there isn't much follow-through of the idea in the game itself. there's something good about it though, regardless of its meaning. so i approve. maybe i should think more about the idea and revisit it later, but for now, those are my thoughts.
oh, and other thoughts about the stream in general, cause why not...
- i thought the worldbuilding from gerson near the end was really cool. well, i think most people agree with that one. gerson is just a cool guy and everyone knows this. i mean, now they do. with this and deltarune chapter 4, i feel so vindicated lately as a long-time gerson lover. he's always been one of my favorite side characters in the whole game and i'm really happy he's gotten more screentime and attention from toby and the fans. but yeah anyway everything he mentions is quite interesting. and makes me wish we could sit by the fire and listen to gerson tell surface-world stories about his life for hours. maybe for the 20th anniversary...
- some of the commentary from toby i enjoyed especially, like around the alphys date when he was talking about AUs and potential alphys/sans interactions and such. i was pretty pleasantly surprised by the amount of commentary and behind-the-scenes info there was that we haven't heard before.
- toby mentioning homestuck so many times makes me feel assured in my decision to finally start reading it because of the re-release. yes, i am actually doing that. the box for complaints is over there.
- i like when everdraed showed up during the omega flowey fight. the way he talks feels sort of try-hard and cringeworthy, but at the same time i feel like i really respect it. the way toby responds to him makes me imagine there's a special kind of understanding they have as well that's hard to describe, like one of those friendships where you talk to each other in a way you don't with anyone else. do i sound try-hard saying that, too? maybe. i just like the eccentricity.
- clarevoir drew dog food
- i am listening to the underwater town and strongerer monsters battle theme songs over and over again. they're my favorites.
- the new areas make me imagine a mod that just adds more and more areas to the underground until it's a sprawling yume nikki style maze you can get completely lost in. i think a lot of people are having this idea. i would very much like to see something like this exist, whether i could have some hand in it or not.
- let it be known i donated to the stream, for the cause. and for chara, of course. just so nobody gets any ideas about me being a fake fan. because i'm not!!! i'm not a fake fan!!! i'm ride or die for chara, if chara has one million fans i'm one of them, if they have one fan that fan is me, etc.
- chara is my sweet little chocolat
- i think that's all.